tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6688789322305167572011-07-12T20:51:02.701-07:00More Than Life ItselfThe grass was always green...under my own feet.Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.comBlogger156125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-40138461565501052362011-07-12T16:44:00.000-07:002011-07-12T20:51:02.736-07:002011-07-12T20:51:02.736-07:00On my own again.Today I went to my new school to check out the band room... and the rest of the school. I finally got rid of all the boxes and stuff in my car I have been keeping in their in high hopes it would find another home. It was nice having Ryan there to help me unload everything. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thankful I am to have him in my life. Not just to help me unpack into my new school... but so much more. Someone that wants to help me and take care of me.<div>As I walked around my new room and placed the boxes down I started to get multiple feelings stirring around inside of me.</div><div><br /></div><div>excited.</div><div>that I found a job.</div><div>that I am getting a new set of students. a lot of them actually. </div><div>that it's a well established program.</div><div>that's it's a new beginning.</div><div><br /></div><div>nervous.</div><div>because i am on my own again.</div><div>i will no longer have Nicole to hold on to. </div><div>she was perfect at that time in my life. when i needed the support and someone to help me out.</div><div>but now that i am back on my own again i feel like i have to relearn to ride a bike.</div><div>part of me is terrified... about starting over. about being accepted by students again. about not having a fall back. if something goes wrong it's my neck back on the line. it's all back in my hands. </div><div><br /></div><div>And to think... it's not like I haven't done this before! I have taken programs that barely existed and tripled their size. I have won thousands of dollars worth of grants. This is my 5th year teaching. </div><div>i hate being afraid of EVERYTHING now.</div><div>the worry and the fear. </div><div>it's overwhelming.</div><div><br /></div><div>i try to remember what it's like on the first day of school and i can barely remember. maybe because this time last year i was still in some sort of fog. i didn't even finish my year at walker. i had to leave with a month of school left. </div><div>there is a lot of responsibility in teaching. a lot more for band directors. </div><div>so, i guess it's normal to be scared.</div><div>but it's also normal to be excited.</div><div><br /></div><div>and I guess I'm not so alone. </div><div>I have Ryan... and as we moved stuff into the new room today he seemed more excited than me. it was like watching a kid explore a new playground. </div><div>he was in and out of all the rooms and touching everything he came across. </div><div>it was cute to watch.</div><div>i know that this is something he wants to do as well.</div><div>And although it was fun to explore the new room.. my mind started reeling with to-do lists. </div><div><br /></div><div>This will be a good, new start for me. </div><div>This will be what I need.</div><div>It's going to be fine on my own again.</div><div>to make my own decisions. to live out of the shadows of others. to take responsibility. to create my own thing. mold it and make it my own.</div><div><br /></div><div>but for now... i shall enjoy the rest of my summer :) </div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-4013846156550105236?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-578318402290489792011-07-11T19:41:00.000-07:002011-07-12T08:09:48.444-07:002011-07-12T08:09:48.444-07:00ughSo, I think I have an ulcer.<div>i know, i know. i need to STAY AWAY from WebMD and all it's web doctor friends.</div><div>i should just wait for my doctor's appt. on thursday. </div><div>but yesterday I was in soooo much pain I was very tempted to have Ryan take me to the hospital. </div><div>soo... it was either that or google my ass off trying to figure it out.</div><div><br /></div><div>all signs point to ulcer.</div><div><br /></div><div>but no matter what i think i still have to go in thursday for an endoscopy.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>i hate not feeling well.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-57831840229048979?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-58374075468578633042011-07-09T21:22:00.000-07:002011-07-09T21:55:26.319-07:002011-07-09T21:55:26.319-07:00Lucky in Love<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Today I posted this picture of Ryan on my facebook:<img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eG8k_u04Ajc/ThkpZLJxV0I/AAAAAAAAAQ8/gqrSo7cvOcU/s320/PAPER%2BRING.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5627574721843386178" /><div><br /></div><div>It's a picture of Ryan making a ring... made out of a straw wrapper... and placing it on my finger. He has done this before... and when he makes them I wear them all day. As silly as it seems it feels good to wear something on this finger again... even if it is made out of paper. Even when I wear John's engagement ring I now wear it on my right hand. Once in awhile I slip it on my left for the feel of it. I miss it's weight. I miss looking at it while I drive. I miss being engaged.</div><div>One of my friends commented below the picture that I have "struck gold twice" and that I am "lucky in love." I have never been able to put the word lucky together with my life. The combination never makes so much sense to me. But I tell Ryan all the time how lucky I am that we found each other. But more so than anything I tell him I blessed. </div><div>Because I truly believe it's a God thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>And as weird as it seems... to think me, a girl that has lost it all, is lucky in love... perhaps I am.</div><div>John was AMAZING. </div><div>We had a relationship people could envy.</div><div>We figured it out.</div><div>We were IT. we were the people you wanted to be like. </div><div>When he died I was sure that NO ONE would ever even come close to filling those shoes. I would never love like I loved John.</div><div>In fact, I didn't really think I would be able to love again at all. </div><div>It just didn't seem possible. </div><div>Guys were scum. I found the best one.</div><div>What do you do when the best guy in the world dies?</div><div><br /></div><div>You eventually find someone...</div><div>and realize that they just as amazing.. and in their own unique way. </div><div>And you create a relationship that is surprisingly perfect. </div><div>And this person loves you for who you are.</div><div>and they don't judge your past.</div><div>and they respect the affection you still hold for the person you lost.</div><div>and will do anything to make you happy.</div><div><br /></div><div>I struck gold twice.</div><div>I have found the two most amazing men in the world. </div><div>God sent me not one... but TWO angels.</div><div><br /></div><div>I just really hope and pray that God will allow me to keep Ryan.</div><div>I still have a fear of him being taken from me.</div><div>and i don't know if that fear will ever go away.</div><div>because the happier I get.... and the more in love I am... and the stronger our relationship grows... means the harder it would be on me to lose that. to lose again.</div><div>I try so hard to push away the fear.</div><div>To pull out of dark thoughts.</div><div>To try and live my life now and not focus on the what ifs and the looming fear of death.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to truly enjoy the happiness I have now with Ryan.</div><div>It's what I deserve.</div><div>Well, it's what we both deserve honestly.</div><div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-5837407546857863304?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-83964410243701858782011-06-30T14:15:00.000-07:002011-06-30T14:42:52.362-07:002011-06-30T14:42:52.362-07:00My heath, dad's health, Ryan's help.Lets start off with a big THANK YOU JESUS to my dad's recent health news.<br />A couple of weeks ago my dad passed out on a Friday night at his house... I was told by my Aunt Larue he was out for about 15 minutes. being unconscious for that long is NO GOOD. My other aunt found him and called the ambulance. <br />Now... keep in mind that this happened on FRIDAY night.<br />When did Autumn get a phone call????<br />Sunday night.<br />My dad waited two days to tell me because he didn't want me freaking out.<br />i am the delicate flower after all. <br />everyone is very cautious with me.<br />and i understand.<br />i am an emotional volcano ready to explode at any moment. <br />i am by no means "dormant."<br />but.<br />you can't just hold off important information like that from me.<br />so, not only was I upset because my dad was in the hospital... but i was upset because it was kept from me.<br /><br />I had to get all my updates from aunts, sisters, and brothers.<br />dad would never tell me anything directly.<br />apparently he may have suffered a mini stroke. that's what an aunt had said.. and a sister. but i am still not 100% sure.<br />he broke some ribs during his fall and had to get stitches in his foot and his finger.<br />What was supposed to be a couple days turned into ONE WEEK as doctors poked and proded to find out what had happened. Thank GOD everything came back ok.<br />His heart is fine.<br />His nervous system is fine.<br />Just a little high blood pressure... which i would expect from my stress ball of a dad.<br />And a bit of high cholesterol. which actually was surprising cause he's mr. "nutrition." or at least he comes off that way when he tells me i need to lose weight all the time.<br /><br />it was such a stressful week for me.<br /><br />my dad raised me my whole life.<br />he is IT.<br />he was the best man in my life until John.<br />and then until Ryan.<br />I am his baby girl.<br />i am his youngest.<br />he is my daddy.<br /><br />and the last thing i needed was to lose someone else in my life. <br />i just know i can't handle it right now.<br />i just know it will crush me.<br /><br />and so, I am thankful for the break.<br />I am thankful my dad is here and healthy and safe.<br />I really want to hold his arm when I walk down the aisle one day.<br />whenever that day may be....<br /><br /><br /><br />and then there's me.<br />a wreck to say the least.<br />emotionally more than anything.<br />my anxiety and depression wears down on me all the time. it keeps me from sleeping, from eating healthy, from enjoying activities... it's a pain in the ass.<br />So when physical symptoms pose a problem.... i freak out.<br />I am VERY cautious of feelings of sickness now.<br />almost to an extreme.<br />but i do the best i can to eliminate things on my own.<br />lately i have been having a constricting, tight feeling in my throat.<br />it reminds me of my freshman year in college where i had trouble in my throat to the point of suffocating... and had to get a shot in my ass at the ER. it was a memorable night for me and the 5 friends that joined me at 2am the night before we left for the sugar bowl with chiefs. <br />but this time it isn't quite as extreme. i can breathe... but swallowing is a bit of a challenge.<br />it's on and off.<br />sometimes i get it and sometimes i don't. BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!<br />and as much as i try and resist this... i turn to Google and webMD. WORST DECISIONS EVER. They will make you feel like you have the worst illness/disease ever. You will turn off your computer thinking you are dying.<br />so. i decided i am no expert and went to the doctor last night. just a walk in Urgent care.<br />After checking out my throat and ears they suggested a GI specialist... cause most likely it's my esophogas. (sp??) awesome.<br />but.. the doctor just asked if i wanted a steroid shot just in case.<br />i figured it work in college and it would work again.<br />wrong.<br />VERY PAINFUL SHOT.<br />no help for my throat.<br /><br />so. now i have a tight throat and a throbbing ass. lovely.<br />My GI appt. is next week. I will keep you updated. I really hope <br />Ryan has been a saint during EVERYTHING. He went with me to LW to visit my dad... and didn't judge me for the town i grew up in. come on, lake wales has it's small town charm. i just couldn't ever live there again. ever.<br />he went back with me for father's dad to see my dad again since he wasn't supposed to be driving. well, supposed to be. obviously he didn't care because i heard through the grapevine he was driving the next day! dad!!!!!!<br />it was neat... having a three family father's day. it was somewhat like christmas... visiting one family after the next.<br />i guess i always wanted a big family.<br />and now i have it.<br /><br />the morning started off with ryan's family and we had a grill out lunch with his parents and brother and his wife.<br />then we headed over to the Seays for a joint james and Matthew birthday and father's day. I love how comfortable Ryan is with John's family. it's a rare dynamic that we have in our lives but he totally gets why i love them so much. and they really like him too. (phew)<br />the last part of the day was spent in LW with my dad.<br />all in all it was a good day. as we rode home we both were rather happy. there's nothing like spending quality time with the people you love. and i got a lot of love that day. and i got to share that love with everyone. i love family.<br />and ryan turned to me and told me how much he enjoyed it too.<br />i think we both long for that family affection.<br />and i know we both look forward to starting our own one day.<br />but right now we are enjoying the family of us right now.<br />me and ryan.<br />i like our relationship.<br />i like where it's headed.<br />especially since as of sunday we are officially in ...<br />OUR VERY OWN PLACE!<br /><br />We signed the lease and moved in on Sunday and even though it's a disaster with boxes everywhere and a ton of unpacking... it's our little 2 bedroom apartment bliss.<br />no more ghetto apartment complex with weird neighbors.<br />no more walking up three flights of stairs.<br /><br />it's a much more peaceful atmosphere.<br />it a place that is "ours."<br /><br />and although i am sure many people would be surprised i am moving in with someone after only 4 months of dating. but seriously, he moved in after month 1. <br />i guess i don't really care.<br />because it makes me happy.<br />and that's the part people should care about.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-8396441024370185878?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-78178656907453256992011-06-20T15:13:00.000-07:002011-06-20T15:53:29.390-07:002011-06-20T15:53:29.390-07:00Dreams, Dates, and Men that are Blue<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>For once it isn't me having the strange dreams.<div>In fact, for the girl who always has had such VIVID dreams... and dreams that I can actually go back and recall in great detail.... I haven't been dreaming that much lately.</div><div>I take that back.</div><div>I have been forgetting my dreams.</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div><div>Last week Ryan asked me "so, did you have any wild dreams last night." I immediately started to think that maybe I was doing some weird moaning or flailing about in my sleep. "No... why?" </div><div>Ryan looked surprised.</div><div>Like my answer was unexpected.</div><div>He then went on to tell me he has been having reoccurring dreams where John is there... and me... and Ryan... and I have to choose between them. </div><div>of course any man dating a widow will have the occasional "dead guy jealousy." it's weird. they aren't even a threat at all anymore... yet my affections towards John will never go away. So, i guess these dreams would be considered normal? </div><div>As Ryan explained to me the dreams he literally started to tear up.</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><div>He said that John never spoke to him... but he could tell that he didn't like Ryan for trying to take me from him.</div><div>(Ryan never has really had conversations with John so it makes sense he doesn't hear his voice in the dreams).</div><div>Ryan says that he wakes up feeling horrible.</div><div>he is terrified of losing me.</div><div>LOSING ME.</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><div>Oh no. now we are both afraid of losing each other.</div><div>Ryan has had dreams were he has lost me before. but never to john. my deceased fiance. </div><div>I of course state the obvious.</div><div>that john isn't coming back.</div><div>and i do not have to choose.</div><div>thank GOD.</div><div>can you imagine???</div><div>no.</div><div>i don't want to.</div><div>it's hard enough loving a man on earth and a man in heaven.</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><div>my heart has been pulled on enough.</div><div>to choose between them would be tragedy at it's finest.</div><div>Ryan just cares so much about my happiness. </div><div>he once told me he wished John were here... and that he would gladly give me up to John if it would make me happy.</div><div>it was a little chilling to hear that.</div><div>because it's so sacrificial.</div><div>but now that i have ryan in my life... i don't think i can imagine him not in it.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>just as i once couldn't imagine my life without john.</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /></div><div>So, moving forward.... Saturday night.</div><div>I have a new job. yay. well... i mean i transfered to a new position at universal.</div><div>part time.</div><div>8 dollars an hour. i am really moving up in the world.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>i am now going to be working at blue man group.</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><div>as an usher.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>so, my new supervisor asks me to come out and see the show...which i have. a million times. but i figured it would make for a great date night with Ryan. of course! </div><div>everything started out so great! </div><div>we got to city walk and had sushi and i introduced Ryan to his first sake bomb! </div><div>see:</div><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-W5Ye3lLEQBk/Tf_LRaRLsgI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/BboApJXC9ts/s320/sake%2Bbombs.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5620434359951274498" /><div>it was a lot of fun! </div><div>and as we got to blue man we met up with Bryan, my supervisor, and he was really nice and all was well.</div><div>before the show started the BMG do some nonsense stuff with the audience where they point out certain individuals and do clever things like "this person won a gold medal in curling..." etc. etc. </div><div>then they pointed out a couple and asked them to stand up.</div><div>the couple was sitting right next to us.</div><div>and then i see the dad from the row behind slip a red box secretly into the guy's hand.</div><div>OH NO.</div><div>Then you know the next steps.</div><div>he gets on a knee.</div><div>he asks a question.</div><div>she puts her hands over her face in shock.</div><div>she says yes.</div><div>she hugs and kisses him. </div><div>there is mass applause.</div><div>it's your every day proposal.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>at blue man group.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>well. </div><div>i wasn't quite prepared for that.</div><div>and i left.</div><div>rather quickly actually... and i didn't know where i was headed... but i knew there was no holding back.</div><div>i left Ryan at the seats. baffled i am sure.</div><div>because when i had looked at him he was applauding with everyone else and had a huge smile on his face.</div><div>i guess that's what i should have been doing.</div><div>i guess i should have been happy for them.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>but i ran away.</div><div>behind the seating area.</div><div>and i cried.</div><div>at first just wiping away streaming tears.</div><div>then loud little sighs and moans.</div><div>loud crying. oh yes, the loud crying.</div><div>it wasn't my loudest... but it was loud enough to be noticed... by another usher and best of all: my supervisor.</div><div>he was really nice about it. he went in the back and got a whole BOX of tissues and said I could keep the box. i passed on the box. i grabbed like 5 or 6 though. </div><div>ya see, he already knew about everything because i mentioned it during my interview.</div><div>and i wasn't even playing my widow card.</div><div>i was just trying to explain the change in my life to explain why i needed to switch roles at universal. sometimes i feel like it's a puzzle piece that should be shared so people can understand the decisions that i make. i mean, do i really need to pull my widow card for an hourly job anyway?</div><div>
<br /></div><div>so now i am embarrassed.</div><div>i haven't even started the job yet and my supervisor has already tried to comfort me during a meltdown/sob session. </div><div>he starts to apologize.</div><div>"i didn't think about where they were sitting...we were just told today... i would have had you come another night..."</div><div>
<br /></div><div>he's blaming himself?!</div><div>for my lack of happiness for others and inability to cope?</div><div>
<br /></div><div>i returned to my seat a few minutes later.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>and i was pretty apathetic for the rest of the show and night.</div><div>i was unmoved and unpleasant. </div><div>and as we walked to the parking garage ryan scolded me on ruining the night over strangers.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>and then i pulled the "you don't know what it's like" card.</div><div>but inside i felt guilty.</div><div>ryan was right... for the most part.</div><div>i let others... strangers... and their happiness... their own happy day... take away MY happy day with someone who loves me very much.</div><div>and grief does that.</div><div>it's a thief of happy moments.</div><div>because it takes other's situations and makes them personal.</div><div>and now that I got my first proposal since John's death out of the way... I will be better next time around. </div><div>
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<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-7817865690745325699?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-50481915397298080682011-06-16T13:32:00.000-07:002011-06-16T16:33:09.764-07:002011-06-16T16:33:09.764-07:00ready, set, goal.I read a facebook status today that said "my life could be a lifetime movie.."<div>oh man, the days I have thought that thought. </div><div>the days i still think that thought.</div><div>and as my life moves forward.. i feel like the movie-like circumstances continue to unfurl. </div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div>a drama. definitely a drama.</div><div>or a romantic comedy?</div><div>one of those for sure.</div><div><br /></div><div>but then there are these days... where i feel like.. my life isn't such.</div><div>it isn't the story that one would want to grab at Barnes and Nobles or spend $10 to see at the movie theater. </div><div>I mean yes, what happened with John was completely tragic and out of the blue and we have a love story that rivals The Notebook any day. And yes, I have found love again. True love again. A love I had thought would NEVER come my way EVER again. ever.</div><div>and he's such a great guy.</div><div>and we have a great love story. </div><div>and i have had so many obstacles come my way... through losing friends and family, losing my job, dealing with suicides and murders, divorced parents, an absent mother, a unique family dynamic, etc.</div><div>but I still feel like maybe this is just another story. </div><div>and that even though I have been through all of these things... if i died today... would I actually be remembered in years to come? would my story be remembered? what do I have to give and leave behind? what will my legacy be? </div><div><br /></div><div>i was in a downward dog pose today doing deep thinking. (isn't this where everyone does their deep thinking?)</div><div>and then the thinking continued you in the shower... (where a lot of my deep thinking usually occurs. )</div><div>what can i do to make a difference? to push myself? to be recognized? to feel accomplishment??</div><div><br /></div><div>then i watched the Biggest Loser.</div><div>and if you ever want to be motivated... watch the final episodes of that show. and i watch these people with tears in their eyes and joy on their faces when they see these numbers pop up on a screen which represent pounds of unhappiness shedding from their body. </div><div>and then one girl cries out "i'm not just happy about losing the weight. i'm happy because i finally finished something i started for once in my life..."</div><div><br /></div><div>and my light bulb popped on. </div><div><br /></div><div>...all day i couldn't really place my finger on why i was so discontent. </div><div>and then that was it.</div><div>unfinished business.</div><div><br /></div><div>my life still has soooo much purpose to it. there is still so much i want to do.</div><div>no, im not 100% sure what i am doing in every direction in my life but i know that i need to start picking paths now and start following them through. if i am not able to find a teaching job by August then i need to follow a new path. i need to go back to school or i need to choose a different career... even if just for a year. i need to start a diet and exercise routine that is going to work for me and that i won't fall away from. i need to set goals for my weight and stick to them. and then i need to follow through and reach that weight goal. (thank you Diana for being the motivation for this). </div><div>and i think a big part of this unaccomplished feeling stems from loving John for so long. and finally getting the chance to prepare a marriage and then having that stripped from me. that i still own an engagement ring but no wedding to follow. that i know for sure that when i eventually marry, and I can already say in confidence i want Ryan, that i will be accomplishing one of the biggest goals i have ever had... and the longest. since i was a little girl. </div><div><br /></div><div>i just feel that having so many lose ends in my life makes me feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile. i have too many hopes and dreams and i need to start making bigger steps to make them happen. if i want to travel the world (like i know i do)... then i need to start looking into jobs that give the finances for that. if i want to not live in apartments my whole life then i need to start saving money and putting it towards a future down payment on a house. if i know that orlando makes me kind of miserable then i need to start setting my eyes on places where i will be happier. </div><div><br /></div><div>it's all about setting goals.</div><div>and then actually achieving them.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-5048191539729808068?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-7235488696577322522011-06-03T19:28:00.000-07:002011-06-03T19:52:39.051-07:002011-06-03T19:52:39.051-07:00fragile.there is something about an unknown number showing up on my cell phone screen that excites me...<div>could this be a job offer?</div><div>did i win a million dollars?</div><div>is john calling from heaven?</div><div><br /></div><div>well... usually the first one.</div><div><br /></div><div>and lately it's been nothing but disappointment. I literally keep my phone on me at all times. i will stop what i am doing (even teaching) if i notice it's an unknown number... in hopes that someone on the other end has good news for me. but no. no good news. </div><div>it starts off the same "how is your day?" REALLY? it WAS good... now go ahead and make it a bad day. just don't ask that question right before you tell me I am going to remain poor. or that you are about to shoot down my hopes and dreams. </div><div>no news is good news? well that's pretty much bullshit too. because that means that companies and schools haven't even given me the time of day. so at least when they are rejecting me they put some thought into it. </div><div>the crazy part to me is today Universal called and rejected me in the Guest services dept. But Ryan, my fantastic and amazing beau, got in. (we had a group interview together... it was quite odd.) and i have been with the company since 2007!!!!! </div><div>luckily, one of us got in. </div><div>so... it's Ryan's turn to bring home the bacon.</div><div>but his two part time jobs will NOT suffice. </div><div>it's not enough for us to live on. comfortably. or even in a surviving manner. we need more money... we need to pay rent, bills, etc. ya know... the stuff so that people can live. as i have mentioned before i feel like i deserve these rights. to live in happiness.</div><div>i guess i feel owed.</div><div>i feel like i deserve a break.</div><div>and i shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way.</div><div><br /></div><div>i realize i have been crying a lot lately. every day for quite awhile now. i can't remember my last cry-less day. in fact, it makes me feel bad for ryan. he sees this crying girl everyday with a slew of problems. i feel like i am whining. i feel like a complainer. how long do i get to use the excuse of losing john? it's just that i feel like there's this domino effect and i can't stop the tiles from falling.... something will eventually have to give, right? i can't have this misfortune forever?? i was listening to "firework" today by katy perry ( i know, real cliche) and the lyric "maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you down the perfect road." it gave me a bit of hope. a bit on inspiration. because really what if that is the case.... that God is going to open a bigger door for me?</div><div>but i understand that it's not gonna just fall into my lap. </div><div>that i have to work for it.... it's just that i don't feel like big things are going to happen for me when i can't accomplish anything even close to big. i don't have a degree for something big. i don't have the background or knowledge. i don't have money. how can big things happen for me? i don't even buy lottery tickets. big things can only happen when you go after them. and i need to go after something.</div><div><br /></div><div>last night i watched a montage of pictures of john that his sister put together. i hadn't watched the video for awhile. but, last night i took time. i sat in the bed. macbook in lap. ryan to my side with his macbook in lap (don't worry. mine belongs to the school. boy, im gonna miss it.) and i watched. the stream of tears instantly hit me. i held in every single sob that i could to keep ryan from hearing. i honestly try to hold back my crying when Ryan is around... but i can't help my feelings. i just want him to think i am more put together than i really am. it's like i was broken into a million pieces and someone put me back together with that paste/glue we used in kindergarten. it doesn't work at all. it barely can glue pieces of paper together. and yes, i did try and taste it. </div><div>that's me. broken. put back together poorly.</div><div>just fragile.</div><div>if i am not careful... i just may shatter again.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-723548869657732252?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-80848227925786449262011-05-31T19:31:00.000-07:002011-05-31T19:53:05.613-07:002011-05-31T19:53:05.613-07:00the seasons of my lifefor those of us living... life goes on. <div>and on and on.</div><div>and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.</div><div><br /></div><div>"a season for everything..."</div><div><br /></div><div>i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly... </div><div>it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below. </div><div>john.</div><div>my job.</div><div>my bank account.</div><div>my figure.</div><div><br /></div><div>or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?</div><div><br /></div><div>john died. and i found ryan. /</div><div>i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?</div><div><br /></div><div>perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life. </div><div>i am assuming that is where i am.</div><div><br /></div><div>some good news though. </div><div>my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it. </div><div>figures.</div><div>but, we made it through.</div><div>i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.</div><div>the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally. </div><div>and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.</div><div><br /></div><div>the weight of finding a job worries me.</div><div>and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with. </div><div><br /></div><div>so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.</div><div>should i take a leap of faith to do something new?</div><div>or continue my passion to teach?</div><div><br /></div><div>the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner. </div><div>even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."</div><div>it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john. </div><div>and that is ryan. </div><div>the two men of my life. </div><div>the men who would never let me down.</div><div>and still never will.</div><div>even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.</div><div>i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.</div><div>i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.</div><div>one on earth.</div><div>and that is what damn good support team.</div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-8084822792578644926?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-83384527674160186982011-05-22T18:11:00.000-07:002011-05-22T19:01:10.866-07:002011-05-22T19:01:10.866-07:00always the bridesmaid. never the bride.there are 5 wedding invitations on my fridge.<div>despite the title of this entry... i am not a bridesmaid for any of them.</div><div>in my mind, the twisted mind that i now obtain, i have a feeling that no one would want me to be in their wedding. out of pity. or fear. that they might hurt my feelings. </div><div>but at least I am being invited. </div><div><br /></div><div>it's still odd though... the decorated pieces of paper. with their floral patterns and solid colors. RSVP dates and cursive writing. </div><div>that i have never got to create my own.</div><div>but yet, there is still evidence i was there. </div><div>i still wear my ring. </div><div>i asked ryan about it and he thinks that's it's ok. (did i mention how awesome he is?). it stays on my right hand... the evidence of where i once was. engaged. planning a marriage. </div><div>and it wasn't to be.</div><div><br /></div><div>and here i am... attending all the weddings of everyone who will never have to experience what I did. they made it. they have obtained their dreams. my dream.</div><div><br /></div><div>my roommate got engaged to her boyfriend the other day.</div><div>after dating for about 4 months... they are engaged. like that. </div><div><br /></div><div>it's times like these where i am like, "seriously???"</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-8338452767416018698?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-35842146872681392152011-05-18T15:37:00.000-07:002011-05-18T16:42:40.697-07:002011-05-18T16:42:40.697-07:00fight or flightfight or flight is a response to stress in animals.<div>an animal can choose to fight it's stress or flee from it.</div><div>a zebra will most likely choose to run when a lion is nearby.</div><div>a human may choose to hit another person when they feel threatened by them.</div><div><br /></div><div>for me... when my stress goes up... my anxiety goes WAY up.</div><div>and then i have an urge of "flight or flight."</div><div>Lately all I want to do is run away from my stress. Or run to Ryan.</div><div>When I found out I lost my job I quickly got in my car... cried the whole way home.. and ran into Ryan's arms when I got there.</div><div>When my roommates piss me off I quickly go to my room and shut the door. I don't want to see their stupid faces and the messes they make and won't clean up. I don't want to argue anymore. Or fight about it... because it's not worth my time anymore. THEY are not worth my time anymore. I just want to avoid it.</div><div>Sometimes I feel a panic inside of me when I haven't heard from Ryan for a few hours. Even when he is a at work. I have literally had thoughts in my head to go get into my car and drive to his work. I have had to resist urges to show up at his work just to make sure he was there and ok. That's just weird.</div><div>and I know I sound like a lunatic when i come up with these thoughts. and i know what i am thinking isn't rational. it's just weird.</div><div>ryan tells me CONSTANTLY that he loves me. yet, I long to hear it all the time. It's like I need to know at all times that Ryan loves me. And does he still love me 5 minutes later? Why yes, yes he does.</div><div>I know a big part of this stems from my trauma. </div><div>In fact, it may all stem from that.</div><div>and i really think i have worked hard to make sure it doesnt interfere with my life. but i am afraid one day it will bite me in the ass. </div><div>what's gonna happen if one day i flee?</div><div>and i just leave my job because the stress has gotten to me?</div><div>or whatever crazy things my brain wants me to do.</div><div>i am so nervous about having to maintain myself like this.</div><div>i am longing for the day where i can live each day with low impact of stress and full capability of breathing. long sighing breaths of air. the day where my job is secure. the day where Ryan and I find a place together and we no longer have to live with slobs. </div><div>Slobs that, let me tell you, had the audacity to ask us to buy them more coffee when we used it like a couple times yet they used ALL my paper towels, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. etc. Now why the hell do you think I should go out and buy you coffee?! Just selfish.</div><div>I mean, who the hell deserves this? </div><div>I can't even come home stress free because I have to face THAT. </div><div>I can't even consider this a home.</div><div>It's where I live.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am waiting for my home.</div><div>at the end of June.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>...as you can tell... I am a bit pissed off right now at my situation.</div><div>I can't get a break no matter what. </div><div>and i have tried the positive outlook. i have tried the pissed off at life outlook... everything seems to come out the same.</div><div><br /></div><div>shitty.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-3584214687268139215?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-8805690487602017402011-05-15T05:49:00.000-07:002011-05-15T06:27:22.874-07:002011-05-15T06:27:22.874-07:00doors shutting.I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks not. Unintentionally. At first... it was for a good reason. I was busy with life. very busy. With Ryan and work and friends. All seemed to be going well... <div>and then this past week... the day I had been dreading arrived. </div><div>My principal called me into her office and gave me the news that I would not be returning to my school next year to teach. of course, this hit me hard. And I became quite sad. and then mad.</div><div>First off, I love my job. and i loved my new school. I get misty eyed just thinking about leaving these kids... </div><div>And then there's the fact that I have not been able to keep a stable job for more than two years. This was my 3rd school in 4 years. RIDICULOUS.</div><div>I have never had a chance to watch my babies (6th graders) go through their whole three years and watch them move on to high school. I have never had a program cycle through that I can say was completely MINE. </div><div>I also have not obtained tenure due to the fact that I was once in another county. </div><div>And let me mention the worst part.... the school that I am at now TOOK ME AWAY from the school that I was once at. they ASKED me to come over. And at the time it was a great idea. I needed change and a fresh start. I needed new. I was weak an vulnerable. I was on the verge of quitting teaching because I couldn't handle the routine that reminded me of my life with John. Going to OMS refreshed my teaching spirit. </div><div>And yet, was this even a thought process when the decision to not hire me again was made???</div><div>My associate even told me she would fight for me. Yet, when the day came... I saw no fight. Instead she cried. And I went home to sulk for the day on my once again unlucky fortune. </div><div>I then got angry.</div><div>With all the shit I have been through how can someone honestly take away my job? My income? my safe haven? The place that helped rescue me from my darkness? I don't know if people truly think through the impact that have on others when they make these very serious decisions. or maybe they do. and they have to go to sleep at night with that burden on their shoulders. which is reason #1,503 why I could NEVER be a principal. </div><div>I know that money is tough. </div><div>I know that 2 band directors is where cuts can be made when the budget is slim.</div><div>But honestly, you just let go a girl who hasn't had a stable life in quite a while. </div><div><br /></div><div>A girl who is trying to start a new life. </div><div><br /></div><div>Ryan and I are moving into a place together. On our own. (thank god) no roommates. no stupid annoying neighborhood. No more ghetto. </div><div>Just me and him.</div><div>Starting OUR life. together.</div><div>with no job in the picture for me and a part time job for him... HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?</div><div>It's been causing me restless nights and extreme tension. I know the phrase "when one door closes... another one opens..."</div><div>but for me I feel like I have had way more doors opening then closing. </div><div>and how frequent will doors be closing in my life.</div><div>I can't help but see nothing but one door after another opening in other people's lives. And I am struggling day to day.</div><div>I just pray a big door opens very soon.</div><div>and stays open, please.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-880569048760201740?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-18847915222821884392011-04-28T16:26:00.000-07:002011-04-28T17:14:00.057-07:002011-04-28T17:14:00.057-07:001 year.<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>How does one go about recognizing their lost loved one on a d-day? death day. the day of their death.<div>i know there were many ways i could have gone about it. it was something that was on my mind constantly as the date approached. i had so many options. </div><div>i am guessing not many thought i would take a cruise with my current boyfriend. </div><div>but i guess that's ok. </div><div>because as I have stated before, there is no rule book for grief. it's a learning experience in which we all need to find our own path.</div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--n1L6jsCvZQ/TboBpyDxReI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/FfRv7kKvsh4/s320/photo-18.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5600790903912482274" /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><i>this photo was taken of me and John's dad on the way to his funeral... </i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>I have contemplated what April 22, 2011 was going to have in store </div><div>for me. </div><div>Was I going to be washed away with an overflow of emotions? would i break down? </div><div>before Ryan came into the picture I had thought of spending the date with my family... and then after consideration... decided that it may not be the best choice. My family was first on the scene to pick me up on that darkest of days. To re-live that would be almost like having a second funeral. To sit around in sadness.... to relive that day over and over again. A day which i re-live almost everyday anyway. There isn't a thing in the world that can take away the picture of finding John in the bed... eternally sleeping. Nothing.</div><div>but if i could do anything to lessen the blow of April 22... going on a cruise with a new found love would probably be a good idea.</div><div>and it was.</div><div>and it was still painful.</div><div>and i am sure it isn't easy for Ryan.... for a couple reasons. </div><div>first, he hates to see me upset... and i know he feels helpless in that he cannot take back what has happened or even give back what was taken. And second, he shares me. He shares my love with someone who isn't even alive. but, none the less... my heart has been divided into parts in which he is just one. (now granted a big one now)</div><div><br /></div><div>now. </div><div>a few months ago... actually a while ago... i wrote out in detail ALL the things that had happened THAT day. that dark day.</div><div>from walking into the room to the sirens and the screams... to the coroners to the funeral...</div><div>and I have been telling myself I will publish it so others can fully understand. but i just can't seem to do it. and i thought i would on the anniversary. but once again i am holding back. perhaps I never will share all those details. perhaps they are meant for me... and perhaps they are things you don't want to hear. but then again, there is always this part inside of us... deep inside of us... that longs to know... what REALLY happened and how did it all unfold. </div><div>i am telling you now.</div><div>right here and now.</div><div>it's something i wouldn't wish upon my most evil of enemies.</div><div>because there is just something so raw about it.</div><div>something so tormenting to the heart and soul... to see the love of your life dead in front of you. cold, stiff body and unfamiliar face.</div><div>the person you left was not the person you came home to.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>and then sometimes i am like... "is this seriously the hand i was given?"</div><div>and we can go back to the "unfair" game.</div><div>it's a game i know well.</div><div>my life is unfair.</div><div>and it's easy to get stuck in the unfair rut.</div><div>to think about nothing but all the bad things that have happened. </div><div>and neglect the wonderful things.</div><div>and i don't want to be in that spot.</div><div>i want to be able to look back on all the wonderful times i had with that wonderful man. that contagious laugh. that brilliant smile. those strong hands. the sweet soul. the strong heart.</div><div>funny how something so strong could be the thing that took him away.</div><div>a heart.</div><div><br /></div><div>what has my life come down to after 1 year of grief?</div><div>what advice can I offer to a person just starting the journey?</div><div><br /></div><div>1) dont rely on medication. just dont fucking do it. you WILL regret it, i promise. when it's time to get off of them (and you will want to... trust me) it will be a horrible experience that will make you feel worse than you did before. try other means before turning to drugs. drugs will not take the pain away. they will help numb you. but thats all they can offer. </div><div><br /></div><div>2) dont follow the 7 steps of bullshit. grief doesn't follow steps. just like life doesn't always follow your well made out plans... just grieve the way you need to. no one but you understands how you feel no matter what people try and tell you.</div><div><br /></div><div>3) stick close to your friends and family. THE REAL ONES. You will have those that are there momentarily and then you will have those that will stick with you the WHOLE time through. those are the ones that will carry you the furthest. </div><div><br /></div><div>4) Pray. and don't stop. have people pray for you. if it is ever offered... take it.</div><div><br /></div><div>5) Love God. as much as you can say you hate Him for taking away your love... He still loves YOU. it wasn't something personal against YOU. it's not a "lesson." it's just... life. as much as I cringe to think of it that way. there is no vendetta. </div><div><br /></div><div>6) find someone that is going through the same thing as you. i found other young widows (and they found me)... seek out others who TRULY understand. If you lost your 25 year old fiance then it isn't always so helpful to talk to someone who lost their 80 year old grandma. </div><div><br /></div><div>7) dont give up on living. life will move on with or without you.</div><div><br /></div><div>8) try new things. this is the time in your life to experience something new and give your mind and soul a renewal. i took up photography and i changed jobs. </div><div><br /></div><div>9) blog. write. sing. ... have a CREATIVE outlet in which you can release your inner thoughts other than spewing words to other's ears. </div><div><br /></div><div>10) get away. go on vacation. take breaks. people need to get a fucking clue that you need time to yourself once in awhile. and if they can't accept that than really fuck them. i know from personal experience. ugh.</div><div><br /></div><div>11) if people can't be happy for your happiness than they aren't worth your time. any moment of joy should be praised! if someone makes you feel guilty for having happy moments than they aren't being good friends.</div><div><br /></div><div>12) laugh. just laugh. </div><div><br /></div><div>13) cry. and cry a lot. it's totally fine. even in public. you DO NOT need to explain yourself. trust me, i tried it all the time... and why? i had no reason to. i don't have to validate my grief to strangers. they can get over it.</div><div><br /></div><div>14) stay involved with your past life. although living in the past will hurt and there are things that WILL change... please do not DROP everything you once had. that means friends and family. favorite places and movies and music. those are still part of you. if things become too painful then tuck them away for a time when you are ready. i just recently started watching specific genres of movies i had taken a break from since John's death. but i missed them.</div><div><br /></div><div>15) it's ok to love again. if you lost love, that is. don't let anyone tell you different. I know John would want that for me... i know he wouldn't want me to stay miserable and alone. he would want me taken care of and honestly I think he helped send Ryan my way :) </div><div><br /></div><div>16) reach out to others. volunteer. do charity work. find others that need help. you may feel like you have it the worst.... but go out in the world and see that there may be others that have it even worse. now help them.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>... that's it for now. im sure not the most SOUND advice. but advice none the less.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-1884791522282188439?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-32789351511342102042011-04-17T11:17:00.000-07:002011-04-18T20:36:13.414-07:002011-04-18T20:36:13.414-07:00the road to transformationA popular quote in the grief community is "ruin is a gift. ruin is the road to transformation."<div>ok, mainly the widow community. because our loss really does RUIN us. And if you were in shoes such as mine....John's death made the rest of my life seem bleak. It didn't really feel like I had much of a future left ahead of me. The darkness was all around and I refused to believe there would be a light. </div><div><br /></div><div>April 22 is almost here.</div><div>365 days worth of grief.</div><div>365 days missing John.</div><div>365 days worth of transformation.</div><div><br /></div><div>My growth since April 22 of 2010 cannot truly be measured. And whatever you would use to measure it... I would go beyond it's capability. </div><div>But even though there has been growth... I will only continue to grow and learn from my experience. for the rest of my life. </div><div>John's death is making me who I am. It's making me who I will be. It's made me who I am today. I have not changed completely.... but I know for certain I am NOT the same. Maybe in good ways. perhaps in some bad ways. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have grown stronger through this journey due to many, many people....</div><div>my loving family, supportive friends, the kindness of strangers that have heard my story through my blog or through my mouth, and then finally... through the adoration of my new love, Ryan. His unconditional love and support amazes me daily. As soon as I met Ryan I felt this surge of confidence restored into my life. And as our relationship continues to grow I know that I will only continue to grow. Not just because of Ryan's pressence in my life... but a big part, yes. </div><div><br /></div><div>I NEVER thought last year this time I would be here. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had just gotten back from North Carolina... wedding dress shopping with my family. Crying over "the one" dress we KNEW I had to have. John had just gotten back from Dayton after a great season with TCI... feeling a little under the weather but still completely excited about what our future had in store for us. Completely content. Completely in love. on cloud 9.</div><div>it only was a few days later that made the happiest time in my life to the most horrific.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>and now....</div><div><br /></div><div>where can I say I stand?</div><div>I am nervous to proclaim the happiness I have inside right now. because I am.... happy... though.</div><div>I am also sad. Sad that those dreams never came to fruition. That I was stripped from something I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. And that I was stripped away from the man I was absolutely smitten for. </div><div>and who I never thought could ever be replaced.</div><div>and i was right.</div><div>who could ever replace John, truly? </div><div>But even ryan knows this answer..</div><div><br /></div><div>no one.</div><div><br /></div><div>My love... has not transformed. </div><div>my love for John.</div><div>It's the one thing that has remained a constant.</div><div>because there was nothing that broke our love. </div><div>just distance. heaven and earth.</div><div>I have kept his space in my heart. it has a permanent residence. </div><div>And I have created a new space.</div><div>For Ryan.</div><div>and for my friends, family, and even strangers that have been there for me throughout all of it. the good times, the saddest of times, and the new times. the time of renewal. out of my ruins.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am a Phoenix. </div><div>And I am rising from the ash!</div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-3278935151134210204?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-20523328301328992892011-04-12T20:16:00.000-07:002011-04-12T21:25:46.111-07:002011-04-12T21:25:46.111-07:00self destruct in 3...2...1....i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....<div><br /></div><div>not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent). </div><div>one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..." </div><div>so. lo' and behold: google.</div><div><br /></div><div>and here you go:</div><div>http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/</div><div><br /></div><div>specifically read these:</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(17, 17, 17); line-height: 22px; font-family:Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;font-size:14px;"><p style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.571em; margin-left: 0px; ">The <strong style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; ">diagnostic criteria</strong> for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:<a href="http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/#foot_19" name="foot_src_19" style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; color: rgb(35, 97, 161); text-decoration: underline; ">[19]</a></p><p style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.571em; margin-left: 0px; ">A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following: </p><ol style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1.571em; margin-left: 1.571em; "><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330099;">Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated. </span></li><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#6600CC;">Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.</span> </li><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; ">Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped). </li><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#6600CC;">Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation. </span></li><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#6600CC;">Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings. </span></li><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#6600CC;">Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home. </span></li><li style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#6600CC;">Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation. </span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#6600CC;">Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.</span></li></ol><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">and i know that this can get in the way.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..." </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">just sad.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">did i mention i am in love?</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">of running off ryan.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">of losing him.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">even though he says it isn't so....</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><br /></div></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-2052332830132899289?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-9447220571239121822011-04-01T21:52:00.000-07:002011-04-09T16:03:04.363-07:002011-04-09T16:03:04.363-07:00Meet Ryan<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nK_JiwDoP2Q/TaDlc_D63iI/AAAAAAAAAQA/gwr7aKwaLEA/s1600/st%2Baugustine.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"></a><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Who is this mystery man... ? this AMAZING fellow to sweep me off my feet? The man who took a leap of faith and enter a relationship others could easily turn their back to. A man who loves me for who I am. All of me. Past and present. <div><br /></div><div>Let's start here:</div><div><br /></div><div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jzAYGg4PAmY/TZatEpCHEJI/AAAAAAAAAPw/6II5ee0u5kE/s320/universal.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5590846282672836754" /></div><div>This was our first official picture as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a weird feeling to take it... but exciting at the same time. It took me some time to post this pic publicly... I felt like I had to keep this secret for a bit...which is no fun. </div><div><br /></div><div>but it really started here.....</div><div><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MLCFpDvauZ0/TaDgUa8Xu_I/AAAAAAAAAP4/jE_gCXsLoME/s320/denver-airport-address.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5593717378628697074" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 224px; " /></div><div>Where is that, you ask?</div><div>It's the Denver airport. We had originally met here in 2004. me, being the social person I am, introduced myself after noticing he marched corps. (it was the city finals was in that year...) now keep in mind I hadn't started dating John until Nov. 2004. I met Ryan August 2004. Weird. </div><div>he was 17.</div><div>i was 20.</div><div><br /></div><div>it was mostly talking.</div><div>and some eating.</div><div>and then an exchanging of something new: FACEBOOK. (which had just launched in 2004..) (weird thing is though it was only for college students at first and i think that summer it had just opened up to high school students...)</div><div>(yeah i was in college and he was in high school. lol)</div><div><br /></div><div>7 years down the road we "meet" again. </div><div>i introduce myself as if he were a stranger (although in my mind knowing i have met him before). when you have the "widow brain" syndrome you just expect to forget everyone. it happens. i can't even memorize all my students names yet. AND IT'S APRIL.</div><div>he reminded me that we had met before. it wasn't until later that night he explained where.</div><div>now keep in mind Ryan is working with TCI. He teaches visual. he isn't a drummer like you expect. in fact, he plays trumpet.</div><div>he is teaching a show that is dedicated and inspired by John. he's teaching my dead fiance's show. </div><div>the same night we re-unite we decide to go on a date the next day... </div><div>A DATE.</div><div>(i had to clarify actually the next day. lol)</div><div>by the end of this date (Feb 13) we realize there's something that has sparked. </div><div>by midnight (now Valentine's day) we are hooked.</div><div>the next day we decide to be "official"</div><div><br /></div><div>well.</div><div>officially secret.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>i was completely nervous to let anyone know i was dating someone. </div><div>especially john's family. </div><div>i remember i told annie first.</div><div>then John's mom.</div><div>who told John's dad.</div><div><br /></div><div>ryan's issue was everyone at TCI. These were all of John's best friends.</div><div>he didn't want to look like he was creepin' on John's fiance.</div><div>he felt wrong for feeling right.</div><div><br /></div><div>but eventually we told...</div><div><br /></div><div>and guess what?</div><div><br /></div><div>everyone has been very happy and supportive. </div><div><br /></div><div>i guess i feel bad for doubting that people would be unhappy or disapproving of me trying to obtain happiness again. but, i now know for a certain that i found it. it doesn't make it one lick easy. it makes it easier. </div><div><br /></div><div>anyway... not gonna lie....</div><div>i love this guy.</div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nK_JiwDoP2Q/TaDlc_D63iI/AAAAAAAAAQA/gwr7aKwaLEA/s320/st%2Baugustine.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5593723023321128482" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px; " /></span><div>he makes my heart happy.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-944722057123912182?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-10048155265804272002011-03-31T20:27:00.000-07:002011-03-31T22:05:43.347-07:002011-03-31T22:05:43.347-07:00He's a keeper!Once again my blog is taking the back seat. And it's not like I want it to. I really do want to share and write down all the things that have been happening in my life... it's just also because of my new chapter in my life that I have decided to give it a bigger focus. But I really feel like it's important to share this part. Because it proves a point. It proves that you can find happiness and love again. It is out there. For all of you skeptics. And for those of you who have never found it at all. I have found that. <div><br /></div><div>again.</div><div><br /></div><div>In a few minutes it will be April.</div><div>The month I have dreaded.</div><div>The month I never thought would come again and the month I swore I would never make it through. </div><div>But, without expecting this... I have someone to hold my hand through it... literally hold my hand and tell me it's ok. A man. A man who hasn't run away from this. Who embraces it.. because it makes me who I am. Crazy and all i guess.</div><div>I am not saying April will be easy. at all.</div><div>I just know for certain it will be easier.</div><div><br /></div><div>And through these past few weeks I am VERY certain this is true.</div><div>Because through dating Ryan I have realized what an amazing person he is. What a strong heart he has and what a sweet soul he has as well.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yesterday was a big step.</div><div>Ryan got to meet my other parents. </div><div>Ryan got to meet John's parents.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know this situation may seem odd for some people. Especially for those who have had a bad relationship with the in-laws after losing their loved one. I get that. You really couldn't care less to introduce your future beaus. You couldn't give a damn what their opinions were or even if they ever knew. This is NOT the case with John's parents and family. Because they are VERY much still my family.. and will always be. (as i have stated before many times).</div><div>I asked Ryan if he was ready.... and he was. </div><div>John's dad had wanted me to come over and finish sorting out John's things before the 5th of April (John's birthday). </div><div>I knew having ryan come with me would be a good thing. </div><div><br /></div><div>It was refreshing to go back to the Seay house... it's been awhile since I was there. It was a different feeling walking in holding the hand of someone else. But, it wasn't a bad feeling. just different. Ryan met Jim, Sarah, Annie, Edgar and the boys. Everyone was very receptive... even the boys were clinging to his legs once they got comfortable. They did ask me once "is this your dad?" I laughed and said no. "Mr. Tim is my dad." </div><div>"who is this?"</div><div>oh dear. what do you tell 3 year olds??</div><div>"this is ryan."</div><div>ok, that was easy.</div><div>no need for a big explanation here.... 3 year olds just want a concrete answer anyway. details can be explained later.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ryan and Jim sat in the living room and chatted.</div><div>Then the three of us sat in the kitchen and chatted.</div><div>Then we went upstairs... oh boy.</div><div>We entered the room which was once mine and John's room. I pointed this out to Ryan... showing him where I slept and pointing out John's Phantom Regiment frame on the wall. He looked it over... actually very interested in everything....</div><div>i am sure that this is his way of getting to know John better. to understand the man who loved me before. </div><div>Then Jim sat me down and showed me the final things needed to be sorted out of John's... ties, drum keys, little trinkets....</div><div>and then the box.</div><div>which held all of John's personal items from his wallet and car.</div><div>The box we all hated to go through.</div><div>Jim left the room for this part. It was hard enough as it was... and he had already began to cry... in front of me and ryan. I was nervous. How would Ryan react??? He sat there silently and rubbed my back. I almost felt as if he wanted to reach out to Jim too. But the moment passed... and I was relieved it did. </div><div>I sorted through the box with ryan by my side. He held me close and rubbed my back as I shuffled through John's credit cards, IDs, pressed pennies and a picture holder... filled all with photos of me. I took each one out and kept them. I offered them to Ryan and he said he felt bad taking them... I guess as if taking them away from John. Which I understand.</div><div>I kept a pressed penny that said Braves on it. John's favorite baseball team. Ryan is a yankee and that's ok. I will root for both :) </div><div>I kept a piece of paper a fellow employee gave to John stating what a great job he was doing at work.</div><div>And everything else I placed back. </div><div>John's cards have no more use anymore... and I just know that keeping these cards are not what I need.... especially considering I already have so much other things of his. </div><div>I cried while going through all these things.</div><div>i cried because this was all that was left. </div><div>John's life placed into ziplock bags and tiny boxes. Pieces of him distributed to those who loved him most.</div><div>But no John.</div><div>Ryan wrapped his arms around me when we were finished.... he held me until I stopped crying and then joined me to walk down the hall to John's parent's room to watch a dvd Jim had made. On our way down the hall I made note of the room where I had found John. I wanted Ryan to know. But he had already figured it out. He asked me if it was the same and I told him no... that it had been changed dramatically. </div><div>I also showed him the other quilts I made for John's family. </div><div>Then we watched the video of John singing at a 50s party at school. It was hilarious to watch. We were all laughing.</div><div>Ryan included.</div><div>He doesn't grow tired of hearing John stories, or comforting me when I cry.... he actually loves listening to them. </div><div>He is almost inspired.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today I told him a story of a Valentine's gift John had gotten me and my roommates once and Ryan was like "this is good information to know..."</div><div>I make sure Ryan knows that I don't try to compare them. I don't flaunt things like "John did this... and John did that...why don't you?"</div><div>It would be very odd if any of these things were replicated.</div><div>Now, odd coincidences... yes, those happen. But, those are just what they are. A coincidence.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ryan's respect for John's place in my life and heart is admirable. He truly is a one of a kind guy.</div><div>And John's family realized this immediately. </div><div>As we left the house John's dad bragged on how Ryan was so brave to take on two dads and the spirit of my ex fiance. </div><div>And he then assured him that all three were pleased to have him in our lives. </div><div>This was refreshing and weird.</div><div>first, hearing ex fiance was odd. it sounds like we broke up.</div><div>second, it does feel like i have extra support both earthly and spiritually looking out for my well being and making sure that I am taken care of.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was a successful visit.</div><div><br /></div><div>when i got home I had an email waiting for me from Jim</div><div><br /></div><div>Subject: Ryan</div><div>Message: Is a KEEPER!!!!!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I couldn't agree more :) </div><div>I think I will keep him. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>ilymtli.</div><div>still.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-1004815526580427200?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-30055201185920944052011-03-21T19:20:00.000-07:002011-03-21T21:21:07.496-07:002011-03-21T21:21:07.496-07:00In Your Corner....blogging has taken a back seat lately.<div>for multiple reasons.</div><div><br /></div><div>1) life.</div><div>life is happening. </div><div>2) Work</div><div>School has been kicking my ass lately.... mainly because it's MPA season. This time every year is a time to do the freak out thing. every music director goes through it. especially in orange county. the pressure on your kids performance is overwhelming. it almost takes the fun out of it. the fun out of teaching. three strangers judging you and your kids on ONE performance... and then the rest of your colleagues judge you from there. </div><div>but something happened this year.</div><div>i decided to taper off my medication. well, paxil. and it has been one hell of a ride. as in HELL. Nausea, dizziness, tingling, vomiting, dry heaving, extreme headaches, exhaustion, etc. etc.</div><div>UGH.</div><div>so, on the friday before MPA week I got terribly sick.</div><div>just, horrible.</div><div>i came to work thinking the feeling would subside like it usually does. throughout all the reading I have done it always encourages you to "get out of bed!" And i did...</div><div><br /></div><div>but in the end i sat in my office and struggled with myself.</div><div>i couldn't stay.</div><div>when i told nicole she was furious... as i guessed she would be. i felt bad. but always hated feeling bad for feeling bad.</div><div>i honestly have done an AMAZING job of keeping my emotions out of my work life. this day it was different. i needed to go home and rest it off.</div><div>and i did.</div><div>and when i came back on monday my principal called me into her office and said i would not be conducting my bands at MPA. that nicole would take over for me.</div><div>that the stress was just too much for me.</div><div>i was just mortified.</div><div>that this is where my life had come down to.</div><div>where my emotions literally have taken control of my life. that people consider me too unstable to handle situations under pressure.</div><div>to be honest it had NOTHING to do with MPA and all to do with my medications. </div><div>as much as i begged it ended up nicole did take my band.</div><div>and they did great.</div><div>i went with nicole when her band performed. and i did break down. quietly. silently. in front of a parent actually.</div><div>because john died exactly one week after MPA last year. i remember he sent me these amazing text messages telling me what a great teacher i was and how my kids would do great because of that. he was ALWAYS in my corner. </div><div>i scanned through his last texts to me. i read the ones he sent to me last year during MPA while I was stressing out here and he was working with tci in Dayton. I hated that he wasnt around during my MPA. back then it seemed like a big deal.</div><div>now.... now that i know....</div><div>i would have skipped it all just to have a few extra days with him. by the time we both got back from our trips after MPA/Dayton we had 4 days with each other. But, they were great days. Great, great days. </div><div><br /></div><div>which leads into #3.....</div><div><br /></div><div>3) Ryan.</div><div>who was unexpected and now ... so appreciated. Ryan was an answer to a prayer. a prayer which i had been praying for a while now. his companionship... our relationship... has flourished in a short time and has given me a brightness inside which i have not had in a long time. it's a small bloom of a beautiful flower. i can see good things happening in it's future.... but really trying to live in the moment and enjoy now.</div><div>when i wake up everyday and go to my bathroom there is a quote on the wall that says "live one day at a time..."</div><div>this is my new motto.</div><div>and will be for the rest of my life.</div><div>with Ryan we take it one day at a time. </div><div>i do not try and compare him to John. I do not expect things from him that i once had. i only expect him to be himself. something different and new.... which is totally ok to have. </div><div>this doesn't mean i have forgotten john. nor does it mean i don't long for john's existence in my life.</div><div>all i know is that I have a new person in my corner.</div><div>someone that looks past the grief and the sorrow and sees something inside that others may not see.</div><div>he sees me.</div><div>he sees who i am.</div><div>and even maybe who i once was.</div><div>he doesn't see death.</div><div>he doesn't shun me if i cry or if i tell a memory.</div><div>he embraces it.</div><div>he doesn't give me a hard time about my emotions and the crazy roller coaster of shit that accompanies my medication withdrawal.</div><div>he says i am amazing and sweet and kind.</div><div>and beautiful.</div><div>obviously, he sees something that i can't even see....</div><div>but he says "i am in your corner... " and i know he means it.</div><div><br /></div><div>4) withdrawal</div><div>as you may have gathered from the above writing... medication withdrawal is a BITCH. At least coming off Paxil is. I don't people quite grasp it's seriousness. and honestly i feel there are people that don't believe me when i explain it.... like i am weak and making up excuses. like i just need attention or that i need another thing in my life to feel bad about. trust me, the last thing i want is to feel like shit physically on top of what i feel emotionally.</div><div>NO ONE should have to go through this. and i wish i had done my research before i got on the meds... but in a time of crisis... in a time where all you can think about is dulling the pain... you will do anything. and medication was an answer at the time. </div><div>the other day John's dad sent me an email after i told him what happened at work and with my withdrawal. He said he was proud of me. PROUD of me for going off the meds and being strong... and he ended his email with "im in your corner.."</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>All these amazing people in my corner.</div><div>some very apparent and present.</div><div>some in my corner and are far away.</div><div>some ... i don't even know about but are there from a distance... thinking of me. rooting for me.</div><div>i have people who want to see me happy. they want to see me better.</div><div>they are on my side. on my team. and cheering me on. some... perhaps carrying me through sometimes. </div><div>it took some time for me to realize how many were in my corner. </div><div>but, now my eyes are opening.</div><div>and of all those people... 2 amazing men... one on Earth and one in Heaven are rooting the hardest.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-3005520118592094405?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-52444070083324292532011-03-08T18:24:00.001-08:002011-03-08T18:46:05.103-08:002011-03-08T18:46:05.103-08:00Pursuit of Happiness.Have you ever heard a song and loved it so much you literally listened to it over and over and over...<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>and over...</div><div><br /></div><div>and over again.</div><div><br /></div><div>That was me this morning. On my way to work.</div><div>I was in a good mood.</div><div>I was listening to Pandora radio on the Girl Talk station. ONE OF THE BEST STATIONS EVER!!!!</div><div>Then I heard this song by Kid Cudi called "Pursuit of Happiness."</div><div>It's a Hip Hop song... and yes, at the beginning it talks about drinking and drugs... but the song SPOKE to me.</div><div>Mainly the chorus:</div><div><br /></div><div>"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know that everything that's shining aint always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it.... I'll be good...."</div><div><br /></div><div>So. I downloaded the song off itunes immediately.</div><div>immediately.</div><div>and listened to it the rest of the way to work.</div><div>then after work. the whole time home. yes, 30 minute ride home.</div><div>then i ran a bubble bath and hooked up my ipod to my Bose and played it again. </div><div>ON REPEAT.</div><div>my roommate must think I am crazy.</div><div><br /></div><div>there's always a part talking about dreaming... </div><div>he says "tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'... you really don't know about nothing... </div><div>tell me what you know about night terrors. nothing!"</div><div><br /></div><div>I have been having CRAZY dreams once again.</div><div>They are completely vivid. They almost always involve John and sometimes randoms like Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0 *uhhh*</div><div>But most dreams aren't what I want them to be.</div><div>I get so upset (mainly jealous here) when I have people come up and say "oh Autumn!! John was in my dreams last night and saying "everything is ok... blah blah blah wonderful things... blah blah."</div><div>WHY THE HELL ISN'T HE COMING TO MY DREAMS AND SAYING THAT???</div><div>WHY DOES HE LEAVE ME ALL THE TIME???</div><div>WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE ME???</div><div>Separation anxiety? yes. i believe so.</div><div><br /></div><div>I just don't think some people understand some of the things I think and feel... and dream. What do you know of this nightmare? NOTHING.</div><div>I wish I could tell you, friend, how to understand.</div><div>I wish I could give my boyfriend the answers on how to make things better.</div><div>The last thing he wants is for me to be sad. </div><div>Funny, that was the last thing John wanted too.</div><div>So, how come that's the main theme here?</div><div><br /></div><div>I am on the pursuit of happiness.</div><div><br /></div><div>I had found it once.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to find it again.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>and keep it.</div><div>is that too much to ask?</div><div>isn't that a God given right I have?????</div><div>Isn't it an American right I have????</div><div><br /></div><div>It's just something I feel like I am not allowed to keep. </div><div>Ok, so I find John. </div><div>We make it through the good and the bad. We perfect our relationship. We worked hard to get where we were.</div><div>WE PURSUED HAPPINESS.</div><div>And it was taken.</div><div>John died in the peak of happiness.</div><div>I have fallen. </div><div>far from that happiness which I once sat comfortably with and sipped our cup of happiness tea.</div><div>"oh hi, happiness. come sit for awhile. everything is just dandy.... sugar?"</div><div><br /></div><div>everyone has a different version of happiness.</div><div>perhaps yours is money.</div><div>perhaps yours is fame.</div><div>perhaps yours is to travel the world.</div><div><br /></div><div>mine is to be in love</div><div>to have the love i had before and to continue my story.</div><div>to be a wife one day (and a damn fine one at that!!!!)</div><div>and to have kids and to love my family.</div><div>to focus on raising my family, enjoying my work, and loving everyone whole heartedly.</div><div><br /></div><div>Pursuing money and fame is difficult. it takes a lot of hard work and charisma. it takes getting the door slammed in your face or switching jobs until you find the right one.</div><div>you pursue on your own mainly. if you fail... if you fall... you most likely won't carry others down with you.</div><div>Pursuing LOVE is scary!</div><div>anything can happen.</div><div>you are depending on another person to take care of your heart. another person to trust, to depend on and to love you unconditionally.</div><div>with the wounded heart i have... i often fear that if it gets hurt anymore it will surely burst. but, would i rather that than risk never loving again?</div><div><br /></div><div>Am I lucky enough to fall in love twice and be loved in return???</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm pursuing it.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-5244407008332429253?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-90846501179448935102011-03-07T19:30:00.001-08:002011-03-07T20:13:26.045-08:002011-03-07T20:13:26.045-08:00Ghost of Blogging PastThis isn't my first time blogging.<div>My blogging adventure started in 2001. yes. 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>You can find my high school/college blog below:</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://WWW.livejournal.com/users/phoreverphantom">MY OLD BLOG</a></div><div><br /></div><div>Sometimes I go back to it and read. I read about things back then that were such a big deal... and now sound quite petty.</div><div>my first entry was from my senior year in high school. It was Christmas eve. I am talking about my dog throwing up on the carpet and how christmas has lost it's Christmas spirit. Then I start getting into my obsession with drum corps and specifically my fascination with Phantom regiment.</div><div>All of the things that unfolded back then led me to the path I now take.</div><div>Let me show you.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was because of my band director passing away in 2000 that I decided to become a band director and attend FSU.</div><div>It was through marching band competitions that I met my boyfriend, Tim. </div><div>Tim introduced me to something called drum corps. DCI.</div><div>Tim helped convince me to audition at a phantom regiment camp.</div><div>at this camp i met my future best friend, allison. </div><div>(we didn't know it yet...)</div><div>when i didn't make Phantom I decided to fill a spot at Pioneer.</div><div>this was where i met my very close friend Meredith and Gordo. People who I still talk to today. a lot actually. </div><div>it was through pioneer that i met my next boyfriend, Brian.</div><div>it was through Brian that i grew a love for the cavaliers and the state of Michigan.</div><div>It was through my education at FSU that I joined the Marching Chiefs and met the best friends I will ever have... including one of my BEST friends... Evan.</div><div>because i had a horrible roommate i eventually got a two bed room all to myself. </div><div>because of this two bedroom room many good times were had with those said friends in that said room.</div><div>it was because of another friend that i decided to end my relationship with Brian. (something at the time i didn't think would happen because i swore he was "the one.")</div><div>because i broke up with brian and because lack of interest from that friend it was were i had the chance to follow my heart to a different person.</div><div>it was through chiefs AND drum corps that I met him.</div><div>John.</div><div><br /></div><div>it's hard to imagine if things would have gone a different way. back then i was struggling with decisions on college, stressing about what drum corps i would make, worried about making friends in college, dealing with roommates, starting serious relationships and ending them (badly), falling for the wrong people and then falling for the right person. At the time those situations seemed like the end of the world. but yet, my world still spun.</div><div>I never knew what the future held for me.</div><div>I want to tell the Autumn that wrote this blog to chill out. Enjoy those times now. It's not such a big deal... because you will have a hard road to follow in the future. </div><div><br /></div><div>and will i look back on this blog one day and have these same feelings? will i be accepting of what happened in the past and the present it will eventually bring me. do things really get better? as of now... they are looking up. looking way more up than before. i can look back in my earlier writing in THIS blog and see such a dramatic change already. </div><div>then i compare it to my OLD blog and wow.... life changes quick. it throws curve balls. it doesn't always go the way you planned. it is unpredictable. unchanging. always moving. always exciting. always going.... and will continue to go.</div><div>Lyrics from a Regina Spektor say "This is how it works... you're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath."</div><div><br /></div><div>And that's what we have to do.</div><div><br /></div><div>We have to breathe until our dying breath. And I only hope that as my lungs expand and compress that with each inhale and exhale of my breath...that I give it value in my life. That i don't take advantage of the life i have been given. the chances i have been given to meet amazing people.</div><div>and even though i only got john for a little over 5 years....</div><div>if God walked up to me and said "Autumn. You can have John. but only for 5 years..." I would say "where do I sign?"</div><div>because those years were worth it. </div><div>the pain i hold now can't take away the love i had then. nothing can ever take that away from me.</div><div><br /></div><div>and no pain can also prevent me from trying to be happy again. or accomplishing that happiness. because i feel like i have taken a step. a step in the right direction.... </div><div>although i am dipping my toes in the water to feel the temperature.... i do long to jump in. a head first dive. because i would love to dive into happiness again. the happiness i have had before. that i still have somewhere. somewhere deep inside of me. </div><div><br /></div><div>i want to look back on my life one day in the future and be proud of what i accomplished. i want to be proud of how strong i became. i want to be proud of the hurdles i overcame and i want to honor my John by being HAPPY for him. Because really that's all he ever wanted. he didn't mean to hurt me. he would have never wanted me to feel this way. that's why i know that the new relationship i have started is good. because it brings me happiness. a butterfly in your stomach feeling. a can't wait until the next time i see you feeling. a rapid heart rate feeling. the feelings i had once before. and surprisingly had them during my whole relationship with John. they didn't die off completely. just not as intense as the beginning. i forgot what it felt like. the beginning of a relationship. you feel elated... with a small sense of "i can do anything" attitude.</div><div>now imagine that coming from someone like me that has lost so much. it's a big deal. because losing John was the most helpless I have ever felt. And now I feel like I can breathe and move again. </div><div>i am breathing.</div><div>i am finally breathing. </div><div><br /></div><div>it doesn't mean i am in the clear. </div><div>i am VERY aware of what lies ahead. </div><div>April is going to be so very hard for me.</div><div>And that's where love and support from family and friends comes in.... and me reaching inside myself and pulling out my innermost strength from myself and God. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-9084650117944893510?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-18636145837511086612011-03-06T18:48:00.000-08:002011-03-06T19:14:22.866-08:002011-03-06T19:14:22.866-08:00You'll Never Walk AloneI can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.<div>It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ma3Nax8yyOE">MYNWA</a></div><div><br /></div><div>or listen to the Madison scouts version:</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee00oCVR-Lw">Madison Scouts</a></div><div><br /></div><div>...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.</div><div>The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing. </div><div><br /></div><div>why do the lyrics speak to me?</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, 'Times New Roman'; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#CC0000;">When you walk through a storm<br />Keep your chin up high<br />And don't be afraid of the dark.<br />At he end of the storm<br />Is a golden sky<br />And the sweet silver song of a lark.<br /><br />Walk on through the wind,<br />Walk on through the rain,<br />Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on<br />With hope in your heart<br />And you'll never walk alone,<br />You'll never walk alone</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, 'Times New Roman'; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, 'Times New Roman'; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">everyone is different when they are upset.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">some run from their problems.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">some turn on themselves or others. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">im going to go ahead and say he's awesome. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">because he is.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">and i never doubted it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">because i know i am not your average girl anymore.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what?? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">ugh.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">WHERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS TO DATING AFTER LOSING????</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">Can someone please tell me.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">Can i get some answers pronto please?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">why do i have to do this on my own? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">with my crazy brain.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-1863614583751108661?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-11205587831105157302011-03-04T20:36:00.000-08:002011-03-04T21:15:22.562-08:002011-03-04T21:15:22.562-08:00flawsSometimes I surely feel like I am my own worst enemy.<div>i really tend to make things harder than they are sometimes.</div><div>and it's all because of a few flaws i have. these flaws are my weaknesses. they cause me to fall. to fail. to flounder. </div><div><br /></div><div>1) patience.</div><div>i have none. this has to be my number one flaw. i want things and i want it now. surprisingly, i seem like i have shown a lot of it during my life. i waited over 5 years for john to propose to me. i waited 21 years to have sex. i didn't get a car until i was a sophomore in college. </div><div>obviously i have shown patience in my life by force or desire.</div><div>but as I get older it gets less and less. </div><div>i hate waiting for my life to get better.</div><div>i want it better now.</div><div>i want to feel good 100% now.</div><div>i dont want to wait for good things to happen. i need them now. more than ever. i am losing my patience with people daily. other people's problems just tend to bug me now. </div><div><br /></div><div>2) envy.</div><div>i have admitted this struggle before. </div><div>no one would EVER envy the life I live now. at one point i thought maybe others would. and did i find that important? that for once instead of me envying everyone else that i might the kind of life that could be envied? being in absolute love. being supported. having my future planned out just the way i wanted it. i can't believe i was envious then. oh, the lessons i have learned. </div><div><br /></div><div>3) laziness</div><div>i think this is just the depression taking over... but i have found myself too tired to do the things that i used to love to do. things like cooking for instance. I used to love to cook. now i get tired just thinking about it. so, lately i have either been eating things like apples and chips... or i grab fast food and caramel lattes. apparently i am surviving on this. i also suck at cleaning, organizing and thinking in general. </div><div><br /></div><div>4) anxiety</div><div>all in all this messes me up the most.</div><div>and the problem with this mostly is that i can't really help it.</div><div>I have yet to learn to control my anxiety and panic on my own. in fact, my anxiety is growing steadily worse. now that i am dating i find anxiety interfering with my relationship. i worry. i doubt. i panic. this is normal, however. after the great loss i have been through it is easy to be anxious... and worry about a new found relationship. "will he still like me if..." "will he leave me?" "will he leave me?" "do i scare him off?" </div><div>i would love to have a worry free life. i can only imagine the things i could accomplish if this would get out of the way. but it's a road block in my life. causing me to miss out on important moments and to make situations inflate much worse. </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, i have many many many more flaws. these are just the ones getting in the way right now. the ones that hold me back from my true potential for peace.</div><div>and i am working on them.</div><div>at my own lazy pace.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-1120558783110515730?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-41961541979686215972011-03-03T21:10:00.000-08:002011-03-04T20:30:09.644-08:002011-03-04T20:30:09.644-08:00Compare/contrastBecause I am a teacher I am very familiar with different techniques to teach students concepts.<div>One thing we learned about were Venn Diagrams (yes, even band directors can use them). I am sure many people remember doing them at some point.... here's what it looks like:</div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DnUie4TY_f4/TXB1eAnNB5I/AAAAAAAAAPg/28a0Ogvacs4/s1600/venn-diagram.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 232px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DnUie4TY_f4/TXB1eAnNB5I/AAAAAAAAAPg/28a0Ogvacs4/s320/venn-diagram.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5580089096733001618" /></a><br />Now, I have been warned about the comparison thing when getting into widow dating. It's a big no-no but something we all seem to do. Anyone would do it. <div>I find myself often times comparing certain aspects of current boyfriend to John. </div><div>They have their differences for sure. Height, hair, body shape, body hair (lol), sense of humor, music tastes, sports tastes, age, etc.</div><div>But the weird thing about this whole thing is often times I don't find myself looking into the things that made them different but rather being astonished by the things that make them similar. The weird thing is... I didn't know this ahead of time. I wasn't seeking out another John. No one can fill those shoes. No one ever will. Nor should anyone ever try. </div><div>But it happened. </div><div>I found these things.... sometimes that creep me out.</div><div>They both worked for TCI. They both marched in drum corps (like me). They both lived at home with their parents and were seeking at job at age 24. </div><div>My bf is in California right now working with the Santa Clara Vanguard. </div><div>John went to an SCV camp several years ago.</div><div>He had called me and let me listen to the hornline play "Send in the Clowns." I remember how quiet I was. I cried. </div><div>John and boyfriend are connected to quite an amount of each other's friends. Yet, they met once. </div><div>Boyfriend watches ALL THE SAME EXACT shows I used to watch with John.</div><div>Boyfriend has different musical taste than John but both excel wonderfully in music. </div><div>I mean is it any surprise that he is a musician?</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess what I am trying to get at here is that there will never be a comparison to John. ever. No one could even come close. </div><div>But, boyfriend as some AMAZING aspects as well that can bring out a freshness to my relationship.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't want to compare. </div><div>I just want to experience something different while longing for what used to have been....</div><div><div><br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-4196154197968621597?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-7247777666179189042011-02-27T22:42:00.000-08:002011-02-27T23:01:42.329-08:002011-02-27T23:01:42.329-08:00just say no to drugslately my body has been experiencing a lot of various things. mostly things i am not very fond of. i am having a hard time separating my physical feelings into what it's cause it.<div>is it grief? </div><div>is it my medication?</div><div>is it something not even related to either?</div><div><br /></div><div>i feel as if i have become somewhat of a hypocondriac. i visit the doctor way more than a normal person should. if i have a sign of anything... i go to the doctor. part of this is driven by the fact that we didn't take john to the doctor. we didn't think it was anything serious because honestly his symptoms were mild compared to some i have experienced with a flu. so, out of caution i do tend to frequent the doctors offices.</div><div><br /></div><div>but a huge part of me knows that coming off medication is doing this to me.</div><div>even though i am doing it slowly...</div><div>i am pissed that i ever started it.</div><div><br /></div><div>when John died all I felt was hurt and pain. it hurt so bad that i didn't think i was going to survive. i thought surely my body couldn't handle the extra pain and stress it was going through. and it was making me sick....literally. i couldnt sleep. i couldn't eat. i was dry heaving. i couldnt stop crying. </div><div>so i wanted to make it stop. i wanted the pain to hurt less. i wanted to feel as if i could make it. so, i caved in to anti depressants. </div><div>i believed that was the answer for the time being.</div><div>and perhaps it was.</div><div>but it's no panacea.</div><div>i still grieved. i still hurt. i still had restless nights. just maybe a little less intense than before. but now... now i have my regrets. why didn't i just let my body go through the process on it's own? i mean, our bodies are meant to go through it.... and i have God by my side. why couldn't i just trust Him enough? I am not saying that if you believe in God you don't need medication. but as far as me... i think i could have made it without them.</div><div>but i made my decision.</div><div>and now i am paying for it.</div><div><br /></div><div>lately my body has been tormenting me.</div><div>one day i am fine and then the next i feel like absolute shit.</div><div>first, i am always dizzy. sometimes i feel like i am going to pass out at any moment. my body feels faint...but i never fall. i wonder why it doesn't happen. </div><div>my heart rate is it's usual crazy speed. over 100 bpm. that's freaking ridiculous!!!!! i have always had a high pulse and some people say "oh it's normal" and others say "you should get that checked out." so i am left here concerned. </div><div>another doctor's visit???? really?! great. more paranoia.</div><div>my throat has been bothering me for over a month. it's some mild sinus infection... also causing fluid in my ear.</div><div>so on top of paxil and wellbutrin and clonazapam... i added amoxicillan. Oh, and birth control pills. </div><div>my eating habits have changed. i went through a period where i could barely eat and now i am only eating certain types of foods. i feel like a hormonal pregnant woman.</div><div>oh and heartburn. </div><div>i have tons of heartburn. and acid reflux. it makes eating uncomfortable. now i have to be super cautious about spicy food. which i love!!!</div><div>on top of that my tongue (which is half paralyzed) has been extra tingly. it's bothersome. when i think about it. and now i am. and now i am mad again. wish i would have never gotten my wisdom teeth out. :( </div><div>tummy aches. woke up this morning with a big tummy ache and had to deal with it all night.</div><div>i also woke up with a mild panic attach i think which was triggered by a dream.</div><div><br /></div><div>oh. and my hands shake. i have no control over it. its not very noticeable. but i had up a dvd to my friend the other night and she noticed it right away. i was embarassed and put the dvd down quickly. i feel like i am 80 years old. </div><div><br /></div><div>sometimes i feel as if i am in a trance or paralyzed. </div><div>where i cant get out of the bed or when i lose my thoughts and forget where i am. i have short term memory now. i will forget the DUMBEST things. </div><div><br /></div><div>oh yes. dry mouth.</div><div>HORRIBLE.</div><div>so, i went to Godiva today for my free chocolate. i got a truffle. i decide to eat it as i walk into banana republic....</div><div>i take a bite of half and go into full panic when irealize i can't swallow it and its stuck. i start gagging and coughing...nothing happens. i had to just wait for it to slide down my throat. </div><div><br /></div><div>i just want to be normal.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-724777766617918904?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-62054792908408270572011-02-25T21:11:00.000-08:002011-02-25T21:31:16.213-08:002011-02-25T21:31:16.213-08:00love trianglepeople are happy about my new found relationship.<div><br /></div><div>so am I.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>but, I have this fear.</div><div>a couple.</div><div>they dwell inside of me. </div><div>they keep me anxious.</div><div>First, I am afraid of getting hurt. When I decide to get into a relationship it is with the intent of staying in that relationship. Of course. I guess that is everyone's intent, right? Maybe not. </div><div>My heart is now back out there.</div><div>It's being divided again. What's left of it. </div><div>And I am gradually giving it to someone else... trusting them. </div><div>I guess after what I have been through before... you think I would be able to handle the risk. But it almost makes it worse.</div><div><br /></div><div>Second, I don't want people to forget John.</div><div>Now that I have found someone I am happy with.... I have this fear that others will want me to move on completely from my connection with John. Ok, not completely. but i fear that they think my relationship will heal everything 100% . that they won't have to worry about me anymore. that all of a sudden things are fine and good again.</div><div>i will admit... i am blinded by my feelings currently. </div><div>I cry less. </div><div>I have more smiles.</div><div>But I have not forgotten. I will never forget.</div><div><br /></div><div>My dreams make sure of it.</div><div>My brain ensures me that the life I shared with John really did happen. The memories and the dreaming.</div><div>Last night I dreamed that John was here. And he died. And everyone in TCI blamed me. </div><div>It was sad.</div><div>I knew it wasn't my fault but no one believed me. </div><div>I woke up upset. Of course.</div><div>My John dreams are never truly pleasant. I think 10% of them have had happy endings. </div><div><br /></div><div>I just don't want my dating life to overshadow the many years of happiness I had with John. They existed. He existed. He dwells in my heart. I had to make room for another person and now I live this odd 3 way love triangle. </div><div>I am very pleased with the way things have been going with my new ...boyfriend. hehe. boyfriend. still weird to say. but at the same time it's an exciting word. </div><div>2 weeks and I'm hooked. </div><div>he's a great guy.</div><div>and i think John would approve.</div><div><br /></div><div>Regina Spektor worded it perfectly:</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px; color: rgb(160, 82, 45); -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; ">No, this is how it works<br />You peer inside yourself<br />You take the things you like<br />And try to love the things you took<br /><br />And then you take that love you made<br />And stick it into some<br />Someone else's heart<br />Pumping someone else's blood<br /><br />And walking arm in arm<br />You hope it don't get harmed<br />But even if it does<br />You'll just do it all again</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px; color: rgb(160, 82, 45); -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px; color: rgb(160, 82, 45); -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-6205479290840827057?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668878932230516757.post-70363092542117843602011-02-23T19:32:00.000-08:002011-02-23T20:00:20.348-08:002011-02-23T20:00:20.348-08:00books. chapters. beginnings. endings.When I originally went to a book store after John passed away I had a hard time finding a book that was truly fitting for me. <div>They had books for loss. But it wasn't specific enough. </div><div>They had books for widows... but we hadn't been married yet so a lot of the information couldn't apply ... like fianances and wills and things like that. </div><div>They had books for Christians. they had books with poems. Books with stories of other people's losses. but none were never quite the same as mine.</div><div>I feel as if I have a unique and unfortunate story. </div><div>I feel as if the only way I could truly understand my misfortune is not to read a book but to write about my journey through the grief. Creating my own sort of book. A book that perhaps would never relate to anyone else exactly. But could serve a purpose. </div><div>As time has been going on.... yesterday was 10 months.... I have found myself in situations where I wish I did indeed have a book or manual on how to figure things out.</div><div>A book on what to do with your engagement ring if you were never married.</div><div>A book that just listed a bunch of generic responses to people's stupid questions.</div><div>A book on how to introduce yourself back into your social circle.</div><div>A book on how to control your public crying.</div><div>A book on explaining your grief to others without scaring them away.</div><div>All these would have been helpful. But, I had to learn on my own. The hard way. The only way I will grow... is doing things this way.</div><div><br /></div><div>10 months ago I was a broken person.</div><div>I was crushed into a million pieces. My life was shattered about and I didn't have the strength to even begin to pick up the broken mess. I was not myself. I had lost half myself... if not more. I was at square one.</div><div>I was lost and didn't see a speck of light at the end of the tunnel. </div><div>I saw darkness. I sat in the darkness. I allowed darkness to become my neighbor. To wrap around me and fester. I allowed it because I did not know how to fight it.</div><div>Originally I found myself clinging to others.</div><div>And at the time... that is exactly what I needed. </div><div>I needed others. Because that's the time in your life when you certainly do need a firm foundation to lean on. </div><div>I eventually weened myself off of consistently leaning on others and found out how to start living on my own. Although it's truly heartbreaking.</div><div>Everyone is different. </div><div>Some people enjoy the solitude. </div><div>I enjoy sharing life. With others.</div><div>With the people I love.</div><div>And I had been sharing my life with the person I had loved more than anything else in the world. And to lose it suddenly doesn't make you gain independence immediately. Although some thought this would be my true cure. "to go find myself."</div><div>Obviously that's why John had to die. For me to find myself.</div><div>I say that's a horrible excuse.</div><div>I had found myself before.</div><div>It also led me to John.</div><div>I am not saying that I have not grown since his death.</div><div>I am far more strong than ever before. </div><div>I also have some weaknesses that I have never experienced before too.</div><div>I gained some strength in some areas and lost it in others.</div><div>It's a give and take thing.</div><div>Although I saw nothing but take... take.... take....</div><div><br /></div><div>Now I wish I had a new book.</div><div>"How to date after losing the love of your life for 6 years and starting your life all over..."</div><div>But, I think I am doing a good job so far.</div><div>I have slipped back into a new stage of life that I never thought I would experience again.</div><div>I can't say it's not exciting.</div><div>because it is.</div><div>because i can admit that i get butterflies.</div><div>because i can admit that i get giddy.</div><div>and honestly... there can't be anything wrong with that. </div><div>there isn't a thing wrong with being happy.</div><div><br /></div><div>now awkward, i am rather good at.</div><div><br /></div><div>i have a habit of bringing John up frequently. </div><div>i have told boyfriend i will work on limiting this.</div><div>boyfriend.</div><div>i just said boyfriend.</div><div>when we finally decided that was what we were we practiced saying it to my roommates. it was for me mainly but he went along. </div><div>"this is my boyfriend, ____"</div><div>"this is my girlfriend, autumn."</div><div>it was funny.</div><div>it was a good exercise.</div><div>sometimes the word seems foreign. even though john had been my boyfriend for 5 and a half years and my fiance for only 17 days i dont recall calling him my boyfriend during the last year.... it was almost implied that he was more than just that.</div><div><br /></div><div>now i do have a boyfriend.</div><div>of one week. and a couple days.</div><div>i cant remember my first week with john. well, bits and pieces. </div><div>but i can't remember them clearly. </div><div>maybe because our relationship took 3 months to initiate. </div><div><br /></div><div>having a boyfriend at 27 is not odd.</div><div>its not unique.</div><div>its not uncommon.</div><div>having a boyfriend and a dead fiance is odd.</div><div>and i thank the boyfriend for being so respectful of this weird situation.</div><div>because he actually tries to understand.</div><div>something even the closest of friends couldn't do. </div><div>he knows he is sharing a space in my heart that also belongs to john.</div><div>he knows that john was a huge chapter in my life.</div><div>a long chapter. </div><div><br /></div><div>and i have started a new chapter.</div><div>and so far i like where it is going....</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>and i can see that light.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/668878932230516757-7036309254211784360?l=autumngracehassell.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01309299074271755923noreply@blogger.com1