This really is my life

Can this be my life right now?
What happened to it? Why me? Why now?
Is God testing me? Is my faith being pushed? What's happening to the world around me?

I always thought I was a positive example of a person who could take a crappy hand that life has dealt and turn it around. I really thought I had made up for some of the shit I had to deal with earlier on in life. I thought I was in the clear and that I finally had the life I deserved.
Then 2010 showed up and blew me away. I mean, it started out fantastic... and ever since April 22... it just has been merciless.
I don't mean to make my childhood sound like a complete disaster. My parents divorced when I was 3, I spent a lot of time living with my grandmother, and I got most of my clothes from Goodwill. I was very close to my grandmother... who passed away the night before my brother's wedding on January 28. When my father and I first moved to Lake Wales (from Tampa) we didn't really have a place to stay. We lived with my mom's family for about a year. That was a disaster... not to mention lots of drama going on there all the time. We finally found a place of our own. A double wide trailor. Yes, I spent most of my middle school and high school life growing up in a trailor before my dad got a house... in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere, FL. In high school I escaped in music and band and grew extemely attached to my band director, Dennis Kusy. He wasn't just a teacher. He was my friend. And I was fascinated with him. And then one day we went out for a drive... he dropped me off at school... and I never saw him again. He died in a car accident at age 24.
I was mortified.
I had such a hard time getting over his loss. I still think about him and dream about him... he's still in my thoughts at times.

And then I fell in love with THE most amazing man ever to exist.
And I loved him for 5 years completely. Complete love. Untouched love. All consuming love. He was my world. I orbited around him. And then he was gone.
And I have been trying to mend myself for several months now... and then ....

I get a phone call from my dad.
He asks me if I am at home and I told him I was in the car.
He says "Ill talk to you when you get home."
This is the dad code.
This means something is wrong. Im going to cry and he doesn't want me to wreck my car.
I told him to tell me right then and there.

Wendy, my dad's on and off girlfriend since about February/March, commited suicide.
Sunday evening.
My dad was at my aunt's and she took his shot gun and shot herself behind our house.
Thankfully my dad didn't find her. But the sherrifs did and they held him custoday as a suspect for hours...
of course I was shocked and overwhelmed. and I felt completely sad for my father... who is already going through enough... along with me. And now here we are...
it's like death follows me.
As much as I feel for my dad right now I am also very angry at what Wendy did. It was selfish. completely. to her family and friends. to my dad. to me. she took her life. at our HOME. a place where I feel like I can never return to. she put my dad in an awful position and left her son all alone without a mother.
I just dont understand how someone can get to that limit.
How someone can get that far and feel there is no possible way out.
It just doesn't make sense. and it's another thing that never will.

So.... now the weirdness of my life continues. the hurt and anguish. the unbelievement of it all. how I can't believe the reality I live in now.
So many said it couldn't get any worse.
I guess that isn't so.
I just don't want to get hurt anymore.
I just want to heal. or try to at least.
i want my dad to heal. i want John's family to heal.
for the sake of my sanity i need healing. I need to live life full of life and love. not death and sadness.

that's all i ask.