I miss....

I miss so much.
I miss things large and small.
I miss it all.

I miss how John would pick me up and carry me to bed if I fell asleep on the couch...
I miss holding his hand in the car when one of us would drive...
I miss hold he would wrap his legs around me in the bed...
I miss his contagious laugh...
I miss his stories... no matter how long it took for him to tell them or how many times he repeated them...
I miss his jokes... I miss how he made me laugh...
I miss how he used to call me beautiful every morning before I went to work...
I miss watching him interact with his nephews...
I miss dragging him to the mall and watching him whine...
I miss sharing food...
I miss our little dates...
I miss making hot chocolate...
I miss our obsession with roasting marshmallows...
I miss how we never agreed on the color of his peacoat (it's black. he said it was blue.)....
I miss how smart he was about politics....
I miss watching him teach...
I miss him making sushi and how proud of himself he would be....
I miss jumping into his arms when he would come home from work...
I miss his smell...
I miss him in his glasses...
I miss the way he would look at me when I was naked and vulnerable...
I miss his notes and cards...
I miss celebrating every occassion together...
I miss late night talks...
I miss his sweet texts every day...
I miss his phone call at lunch...
I miss making him dinner...
I miss watching new movies together...
I miss taking pictures together...
I miss traveling together...
I miss his curly hair...
I miss touching back...
I miss his strong arms and shoulders...
I miss his round butt...
I miss making bets all the time with him...
I miss watching sports with him...
I miss getting dressed up... but only for him...
I miss tripping over his shoes on the floor...
I miss doing his laundry and folding his clothes...
I miss taking walks with him and Metallica...
I miss baking with him...
I miss his cadillac and how happy he was of it...
I miss our apartment....
I miss our upstairs room in his parents house...
I miss flirting in college...
I miss his tiny shorts...
I miss his sweat...
I miss his hoodies..
I miss watching "our shows" on TV together...
I miss his obsession with Waffle House and Bojangles...
I miss road trips...even though I always ended up driving the whole time while he slept...
I miss painting together...
I miss pumpkin carving together...
I miss going to theme parks with him....
I miss his voice...
I miss singing along to songs in the car with him...
I miss him laughing at my "car dancing"....
I miss his "Mr. Whiskers" voice...
I miss him being in photos with me...
I miss him carrying the groceries inside for me...
I miss his soft baby face...
I miss his hairless chest...
I miss his gentle kissing...
I miss him getting frustrated when I would be showing too much PDA in the grocery store...
I miss him drumming on anything and everything...
I miss how he would get upset when other guys looked at me...
I miss modeling new clothes for him after I went shopping...
I miss watching him build things like a man...
I miss watching him tear up at emotional things...
I miss how he looked dressed up for work in a suit...
I miss him dressed down to just his boxers...
I miss buying him boxers..
I miss buying him ties...
I miss his gin and tonics...
I miss the good times we had with friends...
I miss our embraces in drum corps...
I miss our silliness in chiefs...
I miss helping him write his papers for classes in college...
I miss him laughing when i sang the harmony parts in church...
I miss him interacting with my family...
I miss his sunglass tan...
I miss him wearing my favorite jeans...
I miss the relationship he had with my dad...
I miss him saying i love you frequently....


i miss him. i miss him. i miss him.
Why did my John have to be taken away?
The pain is just awful.
Who could possibly ever take his place?
He was absolutely made for me.
I cherish every moment... I wish I could relive them all but not just in my memory. But that's all I have now. The memories. The photos.
The remnants left to remind me that yes, John was in my life. And he made me a better person. And I feel like I did the same for him. And I truly feel that when he died...he knew he was greatly loved. Loved more than anyone else in the world. And I was greatly loved in return.


JOHN'S QUILT DONATION UPDATE: $50 has been donated so far. Thank you Courtnet and Phil for being the first to donate. It means so much to me.