When you grieve you go through an anger stage. Forget the order of grief. That's total bull.
The stages of grief come in no order and have no specific time frame. So, anger is a stage. It's a stage I come in and out of. And lately I have been a bit angry... because I have started to realize the shitty hand I was dealt... and listening to people tell me things like "God has a purpose" "there is a reason for everything..." "you're going to be so much stronger.." is just stupid.
As time goes on people think they can slip away silently and quietly go back to their normal lives and leave me behind to figure out my own. Everyone thinks I need them most in the first month. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. I need people now. In times where I am alone and everyone else has gone their own way and continued on their path of life... getting engaged, married, getting their masters, having babies, buying houses...
I still need my friends. I still need people to invite me over... OR DRIVE OVER and visit me. I need company. I need to be invited out. I need to get away.
And it's weird but sometimes I feel like some people watch me as if I am some kind of project. My life is a real world soap opera. Everyone can tune in and watch what happens. Will I find love again? Will I go crazy? Will I go to the hospital? Will I survive? Will I do something drastic to myself?
And at the same point I do feel some pressure to try and change... to be different and act different.
I am told I will be different. I will change.
But honestly I was perfectly fine the way I was.
I had NO problems with the "old" me. Why do I have to find myself again??? I thought I did this in college.
And why doesn't anyone else have to find themselves too? I know a lot of people that should be finding themselves more than I need to.
Oh, and if I hear one more person say "You look tired" I will punch them in their face!! YES. I look rough. I hardly ever wear make up anymore.. I have been through a lot. I am grieving. I cry a lot. I am tired and worn and just making it through the days barely.
So, if I look "tired" ... which means "you look like shit" let me apologize. I should be focusing on impressing people more I guess.
rant over.
3 comments:
I can commiserate on this one so much! Most people who want to "find themselves" or change have a choice in it. The painful part for us is that we didn't have a choice. It was thrust upon us and forces us to change who we were despite the fact the we were very content with who we were to start with. Makes me angry too!
I love that line "I know a lot of people who should be finding themselves more than I need to". Made me laugh so hard because it is sooooo true!
I think people just regurgitate what they hear other people say to people who are grieving ('it was meant to be', 'he's in a better place', etc.) not realizing how hurtful that is because it MINIMIZES our grief.
It's too bad people aren't more careful about what they say - I think they often just don't realize the impact their words have.
I hear you! People really have no idea. And what's worse, is many people have no idea how lucky they are that they are so clueless about grief.
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