Bated breath

Shakespeare created a phrase often used...
"waiting on bated breath."

And I often feel this phrase directly refers to an action I do quite often.

Bated breath: the condition of waiting for something to happen; subdued breathing due to high emotions.

I live on bated breath.
Especially lately.
The end of the school year has always been very stressful for me.
I have lost my job twice now and it's always a terrifying feeling when the end of the year comes around. Will I be safe? Will I be rehired? Did I do a good job? Will I be able to sustain myself?

The bated breath from waiting to know about my position next year comes from a bigger aspect that has popped up in my life lately.

Ryan and I want to build a house.
Not just a house, but a home.
A place that is ours.
As adults.

We have found a place where we want to live.
We have a realtor and have picked out the house we want.
We actually started taking steps. It's not just "talk" anymore.
We took ACTION.

So, with bated breath I have been waiting to know if my job is secure for next year so I could for sure start the process of getting a home.

And today I got a chance to exhale.
I was told my job IS secure!!! YAY!!!!! Halelujah!!!!!!!

Which means... I can actually start moving forward with my life.
So I just put in my application for my mortgage loan.
Big girl stuff!
I can't tell you how happy my heart is... thinking about the future...

... but for some reason I am still very guarded...
I haven't completely let go.
I am a contained happy.
I even cried a little yesterday when I heard we could move forward with our house.
But I still feel like I wait with bated breath....
because I am one that has had my future stripped from me before.
And so perhaps all my life I will live with bated breath.
Until I see it actually unfold before my very eyes....