sutures

This is Cecilia. She is now keeping me company in my bed. When John and I lived in our apartment in Orlando we had a night ritual with her. We would turn out the lights in the room and call her. She would run in and lay right between our heads. By the end of the night she would end up on my pillow. It was a routine that I loved. And it never failed. She slept with us every night.... sometimes in different spots. But always in the bed with us.


This weekend I got to spend some time with wonderful people. Some people that go through what I have been through can't stand being around others. But I don't mind. I feel like when I am around people I get distracted from my lonliness. There is a break in silence and always something to occupy my mind. It doesn't mean I don't zone out sometimes. Because I do that a lot too. And I still cry publicly. Everyday. It doesn't matter where I am. And I could care less who is around.
Friday morning I went to a dedication of an AED device at a park where my friend Nicolle lost her husband. His heart stopped and if there had been an AED device present he might still be alive. Nicolle never got a clear answer to why Bryan died. Most heart cases come out this way. We know John died from myocarditis... and they only way he would have lived through was finding out in advance and getting an emergency heart transplant. The dedication was wonderful. It was nice to see Nicolle and Bryan's family. It was nice to be around people that understood. That evening I had dinner with Liz's mom, Deb. Liz is John's sister-in-law who now lives in NYC. Her mom Deb is such a fun mom. The kind that everyone wants to have. She and I had drinks and ate appetizers and had great talks. Her mom makes me still feel connected. She comforts me in knowing that I will always be a part of the family.
Last night was Marie's birthday. Marie is Jeremy's g/f. And Jeremy is a close friend to John. And of course, they are both friends of mine. It was a large group and I think I did rather well. I was socialable and I laughed genuinely at the table. I didn't leave once to cry in the bathroom. I think the sangria might have helped. I would sometimes glance over at Jeremy and Marie. Mirror images of me and John. Not all couples are to me. But they are. She's much sweeter than me, in my opinion... but Jeremy is like John.. funny, and loving. You can tell he really loves Marie. It's sweet and at the same time kills me. Watching others in love rips my heart apart. Over and over again my heart rips.
One of my favorite lyrics from a Postal Service song is "your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."
Even though that song is about a couple separating from each other... the lyrics make sense. Every day my heart tries to mend itself. And everyday I rip the sutures out. Whether it is from watching other couples, going through John's things, looking at pictures or watching old videos... the pain of it all won't stop. It's not going to heal for some time. And if i everdoes... what a huge scar I am going to carry. John will always be ahuge part of my life.

I suck at getting things done now. I am sure I mentioned it before but I feel like I am getting worse. I am an organized person. I make lists and check them off. Lately I make lists and it will take me days to get things checked off. Everything exhausts me. I had "go to the bank" on my list for several days. I finally went on Friday. I considered it a big deal. When I unpack one box I take a break. I sit down and eat a snack or lay in my bed and listen to music or watch TV. Calling people is one of the biggest things I slack at. And emailing/replying to facebook messages. I have made it a priority to write back to anyone that has sent me a message on facebook. When it all began I had over 50 messages to reply to... that is not counting the hundreds of wall posts! I still keep getting the messages. I still getmessages from people who are still finding out about John. I know... one minute my life is wonderful and perfect. I'm engaged and in love and planning things and having fun. The next my world is shattered. My wall once filled with "congratulations!!!" is suddenly flooded with "Im so sorry... I am praying for you." All within 17 days. From one huge extreme to another.
Outside our apartment door are boxes and boxes. Empty. Most labeled Autumn and John. Now trash. But I have no energy (or room in my car) to start taking them to the dump.

My sleep schedule is still a bit off although I am finding myself more tired at night and willing to sleep at an earlier hour each day.

Tomorrow I want to get as much stuff possible checked off my list. I am determined to be productive. I have to be. I need to be. This lethargic way of life isn't me. But then again this life in general doesn't feel like me anyway. I am re-finding myself. And it's confusing. I am starting all over. I feel like I have gone backwards. Single woman. Living with roommates (the same ones I had in college.) Going out, drinking, etc. I would much rather be settled down on a cozy couch watching TV with John.
So, here's to a productive day tomorrow and hopefully something pleasant and unexpected along the way.

Lists

As you might know.
I like to write lists.
For everything.
They make my day feel complete... and I love checking stuff off that I do. Not just checking it off... but literally scratching it off.

John got accustomed to these lists. He relied on them. If something had to get done... it had to be in a list form. Or else forget about it.
Sometimes I would come home and be like "John, why didn't you bring the laundry up..." and he would reply "you didn't put it on my list." These became an issue sometimes... i would often tell John that just because it's not on the list doesn't mean I don't want him to do it. He was stubborn. It had to be written down. So, eventually I made sure EVERY DETAIL made the list.

Here is what a list might typically look like for John:

- make your car payment
- call work about our trip to _______ and request off
- bring up the laundry
- clean Cecilia's litter box
- pick up some chicken for dinner
- bathe Metallica
- make the bed
- love me
- kiss me when I get home

He might not always get to everything but he ALWAYS checked off the bottom two. It never failed.
And that made me happy.



I listened to John's last voicemail to me today in the car. BAD IDEA, I KNOW.
But, I needed to hear his sweet voice. The voice I woke up to everyday and the voice I fell asleep to every night.
In the voicemail he apologized for not doing the stuff on his list. He said he wasn't feeling well and he was sorry and he loved me.

He really liked those damn lists. Secretly. They made him feel just as accomplished as me. They gave him an order and a purpose.
And I am sure there were days he didn't like the list. the litter box cleaning days. That was his job. He took the laundry upstairs and he dealt with the cat poop. I cooked dinner and washed the dishes. It was a perfect team system. And it all worked because of my OCD with list making.

I sometimes write my friends emails in list format.
Like for instance to Evan I might write something like this:

1) I can't wait for Pie Festival
2) What pieces are you playing for MPA?
3) Can I borrow a cow bell?
4) I love short days. (Wednesdays..)
5) Your new boyfriend is really cute.
6) mews.
7) I love you
8) When are we hanging out?


And she would reply in list format.
It's caught on. My friends start to do it now... and so do their friends. The same lists I started to keep my life in order and John on task.

I find it hard to make lists now. They are so empty. I do laundry still because I have to. I pick up my many prescriptions from the store I have now. I don't make dinner. I don't go to the store. I still pay bills. I don't get to tell John to love me and kiss me... although I know he still does love me very much and would gladly kiss me if he could.
I don't understand what to do right now. My list is blank. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE NOW? It has completely lost it's purpose.
My list was so full before John died.
I had wedding errands all the time. We were setting dates and appointments and my biggest dream was coming true. I finally was going to marry the love of my life.
And then the lists would have continued.
I would eventually get to add on to that list as our future rolled on together.
- pick up groceries
- pay mortgage
- buy diapers
- make the bed
- love me
- kiss me when you get home



I am still completely lost.
My list is empty.
John's list is empty.
I am so lost.