"How are you doing?"

Probably the worst question I get all day.
And my response is always the same. It's usually nothing.

There are few people that are allowed a response.
mainly just close friends and family... and people that understand the question like Andi and Nicolle.
But other than that I usual don't answer. It's an awkward silence. One they were most likely expecting I assume.
But I don't know how to answer it.

I have even asked it to my friend, Andi. She lost her husband exactly 1 month before I left John. And we agreed we are allowed to ask each other.
We understand that it's more of asking "is today shittier or less shitter than usual?"

and I am sure others mean the same. but honestly i don't know how to answer it sometimes.

and then you get the stupid questions like "are you ready for summer?"
Umm.... NO.
What could I be possibly doing this summer now?
NOT planning my wedding. NOT spending time with the person I love most in this world.
NOT taking a mini vacay to St. Augustine with John.
What do you think I am looking forward to?

I will admit, however, that I am going to see my sister in NY.. and John's brother and sister-in-law in the city... and I am looking forward to that. But this was not the summer I had planned.
This isn't the typical teacher excited to be out of school and escape the chaos called middle schoolers summer.
As relieved as I will be when that final bell rings that day... all it will do is leave me empty and alone.
because really my future looks so empty right now.
everything is a huge blank.

i have NO idea what I am doing.
I am trying to make it day to day... which leads me to my nexct question I hate.

"what are you doing this summer..." or "what are you going to do now."
This question just is wrong.
How can you even ask me that?!
I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to heal as much as pssible. I can't make plans. i can't make promises. i can't think ahead.
i just do what i can.
i am lucky i bought a plane ticket for NY and actually set a date to fly up.
but i did.
but that's as far as a i got. it's a one way ticket anyway. i didn't have to think about when i needed to come back home.
although i think staying away too long might be painful.

as of right now... i don't know what my summer looks like. it's a far cry from last summer.
my last summer with john. the best summer i have ever had.
we traveled miles and miles... from the coasts of costa rica to the mountains of switzerland.
we seized our opportunites.
we let ourselves enjoy our youth, our time together.
i am so glad we did.



This was a photo from last summer before we left Costa Rica... so many feelings/experiences from that one.
we were so excited about going to Europe in a week.
my fear of the ocean had just begun after almost drowning.
I was dissapointed in losing a job opportunity.. and being quite jobless at the same time.
the magic lost the championships.
the excitement of zip lining in the rain forest.
john insisting that the mural on the wall looked like me...
family time. and everyone being there. the whole seay gang with significant others.


my summer won't be that again.
it won't be that ever again.