stuck.

Im starting to feel like I am in a bit of a rut.

I know, how could I? I just had a good thing happen. Kelley has moved in and I can finally ease up on my finances. And also have company when times get lonely. I love it already. Today I came home to cooked pizza... and she also bought hummus and watermelon. HOLY CRAP. Two of my favorite foods!!

but. as far as just my life in general... im sort of stuck.

i am getting antsy.

I have a big travel bug.

it's actually a problem.

i have to get away. often. and far.

i need that time.

i like to explore. i love adventure. i like seeing different places. touching history. mingling with the locals and learning culture.

i want to go. i want to go now.

work is starting to pick up. MPA is next month and the musical rehearsals have begun. the pressure and stress has set in.

spring break is far away. and this may be a good thing because i dont have anything planned. if i go into spring break without any plans i will be very depressed. the last thing i want to do is just stay here for a week sitting on the couch and watching multiple episodes of "Ghost Whisperer." ha.

(sadly this is what i have been doing lately)

there are so many places i would like to go visit. it just feels odd if i visit them alone.

it's like i feel guilt for john not getting to experience these trips with me. if i ever take another one.

i guess this is when i say how thankful i am for the trip to europe we had two summers ago! what perfect timing in our lives and what memories we created. i dont think i will ever have an opportunity like that again.

with the way my life is turning out financially.... i can go ahead and wave it goodbye.

and i dont know if i would be able to handle it alone.

Honorary Seay

I have made my way back to my second home: North Carolina.

I am in a familiar place with familiar, loving faces. My brother, my sister-in-law and my 3 nieces. I also met up with my dad and puppy here. That's right... my dad took Lily up on his own and now has declared I will no be getting her back. ha.

I usually make my way up here for he holidays. Last year the family actually came to me for Christmas. But, even when I would fly up here (with John) we always left in time to have Christmas Eve and Christmas with John's family. It will be weird... not going to their house for Christmas. I will not be in Florida until Dec. 28... the day after my birthday. I will not be attending the Christmas Eve dinner with the Seays or attending the Christmas Eve service with John's dad at his church. Where we sing Silent Night holding candles in the dark and everyone doesn't know the second and third verses. And John rolls his eyes as I sing in harmony. :) I will not be waking up in the Seay house this year and watching the boys unwrap their gifts.... or doing my gift exchange with my secret Santa. It's all changing. Although I am with my family here... I am still leaving behind my family there. It really makes me feel torn. I always felt that way at Christmas anyway. But, I just wanted to make John happy. I wanted to experience a big family Christmas. And it makes me so sad to know that I lost part of that.

But... I have something to be thankful for. Something I feel many widows don't have to be thankful for. I am still VERY close with John's family. I have met many who have lost their spouse/boyfriend/fiance and have found that the relationship with the family of their loved one have dramatically deminished if not completely fallen apart. Death can turn people against one another. People want to point blame. They want to ignore what happened. They want to disconnect from the reminder of their loss. And often times that means disconnecting from the person that was closest to them. Their wife. Their fiance. Theiur girlfriend. It's a tragic story. But one I am thankfully not having to experience. I think the bond that I created with John's family before his death has reflected a lot in the relationship I have with him after his death. I mean., this was like my second family. I lived with them. I took family vacations with them. When they did something as a family... I was right there with them... holding on to John's arm. A big part of why our relationship has stayed so strong is because the type of people John's family is. They are some of the most loving, thoughtful, sacrificing people you will meet on this planet. Especially Jim Seay.

When I went over for Jim's birthday the other day I was immediately greeted with a hug as I entered the house. Then Jim asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him to pick up the boys. In the car Jim started to burst into tears and let me know he was having a hard day. He said all he wanted for his birthday was John. I lost it two. And there we were. A familiar picture. Jim and Autumn crying together. We are comfortable doing this. We aren't ashamed. We know that it's ok to cry... and then we quickly try to compose ourselves. We picked up the boys and then went back to the house for birthday festivities. Whenever we have our family gatherings now there is just something missing. Obviously John. It's so obvious. It's on everyone's mind. And it drives me crazy that it isn't mentioned. I just want to scream it out sometimes "anyone else notice who's missing????" I always feel like John needs to be recognized. That he's being left out and forgotten. He should be there celebrating with us.

During gift opening I had a mild breakdown. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes. What set me off? A gift Sarah had made for Jim... DVD's that were a compilation of all their VHS tapes of home videos. Many were of the kids... younger versions of John, Annie, Billy and Henry. Although I did not know this younger version of John Seay... it reminded me of how he was gone. And what remained were things such as these. Video tapes. Proving his existence. John used to always talk about these video tapes and we were always supposed to watch them together and laugh. I cannot imagine the strength it will take for any of his family members to watch these now. For it is something I would not be able to do yet.

When it was time for me to leave Jim walked me outside to the car and hugged me. We sobbed some more and I told him how thankful I was and how lucky I was to have them still in my life. I explained not everyone had that. Jim then told me something that was very insightful. He told me that when he got to Heaven and stood face to face with his son that he would want him to be proud of the way he took care of me and treated me. Jim feels like taking care of me is something that John would want him to do. And I know that John would want me to take care of his family too. And it makes sense. John would never want us to lose the bond it took so many years to create. They are my family. They will always be my family. John is our link and he will remain a strong link throughout my lifetime. Thank God for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without his family. I would surely be lost and I would WAY behind in this journey and process. I know I would be a complete mess without their support and love. How could anyone else be so heartless? How could others turn their backs on those who were loved by their sons? It just doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they want to honor their sons by continuing that love that their child had displayed for another? Wouldn't they see the example that was set before them? How selfish and cold can someone possibly be to cut off this person from their lives? It really sickens me.

I have started reading a book titled "Im grieving as Fast as I can." FINALLY! A book for YOUNG widows! So far everything I have read I can relate to. If you are a young widow I am telling you right now... GET THIS BOOK. You can get it for really cheap on half.com. I think I got mine for 1.50. No kidding. I even bought one for my friend Andi. I am going to post some things from the book later and bring up some interesting points from it. Some things I feel need to be shared.

Update on John's Quilt: I have reached $1000 towards John's quilts!!! I am a few hundred away from covering costs so for that I am very pleased. Thank you to all that have helped me. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I do my best to try and return the favors. Once the quilts are in I will show a list of all donors. It's amazing how many people have helped out. I will forever be grateful. You all are my rock.

Update on mole removal: I removed stitches on my own. I'm sso brave. It was no big deal. And they were ready to go. It's healing nice... still some bruising and swelling. But, it's not as noticeable. For only being 4 days I am impressed so far. I will post a before and after pic soon :)

Update on tattoo: Was supposed to get it yesterday but Andi couldn't go with me. I will get it after the winter break.

Update on birthday: Please join me on Dec. 29th at Columbia restaurant in Celebration at 6:30pm for my birthday dinner.

Only a few more days of surviving the holidays. Then surviving my birthday. Then surviving new years... and ringing OUT 2010.

Really, let's just get this over with.

Lucky

I am back from my cruise.
What? You didn't know I was going on a cruise?
I went on a cruise with my friend Andi, also a widow. Her friend Gina came along with her mom. On December 5th it was supposed to be her 1 year wedding anniversary. So, to give her a distraction from the date we set sail to Mexico (where we literally spent like 30 minutes). HA.
Before I headed out on the cruise I had a couple people tell me how "lucky" I was.
I don't know if people realize what they are saying when that words pops out of their mouth. There is nothing lucky about my life right now. Yes, it's nice to have the opportunity to go out on a cruise at this point in my life and get away. But I definitely feel like one of the unluckiest girls in the world.
I have always had a hard time with the word lucky.
I go between it and the word blessed all the time.
Because I don't necessarily believe in luck.
Well, that was until John introduced me to gambling on our first cruise.
It was our first cruise together... I think we had been together for maybe a year. We did a 7 day cruise in the Caribbean. There was a casino on board and so far I had never experienced a casino before. Our first night there we tried out roulette and ended up losing $200. I remember how mad I was and going back to our room and crying. I grew up in a home where we didn't have a lot of money and to just gamble it off is absurd. John grew up in a much wealthier lifestyle but it still wasn't ok. John didn't fret like me. He was determined to get it back. And we did... we played Bingo the next day and won! Almost all of our money back in fact. Then on the last night of the cruise we played roulette and there was something happening... we got lucky. The number 8 was hot for us. It was both of our favorite numbers. We ended up leaving the cruise ahead (as far as gambling was concerned). In Vegas John did the very same thing. Lost some one night and then won big on the last day.
He was my lucky charm.
I remember one time I told John to pull over to a gas station because I was "feeling lucky." We bought a dollar scratch off and I won $10.
I used to win sooooooo many sweepstakes before I lost John. Sometimes I would call John and we would literally go "what did you win today?"

Ever since April 5, 2010 I have yet to have won anything. I had no luck in Vegas. I had no luck on the cruise. I have had no luck at all.
I lost my "luck."
Sometimes I feel like the unluckiest person ever. I get in a dark mindset and convince myself no one has it harder than me... even though I know it isn't true. Self pity is a powerful thing. As I sat at the roulette table two nights ago ...watching my chips slowly disappear... betting on that magic number 8 I so often trusted... I thought about John and how if he were there he would most likely know what to do. Or, he would have just told me to not do it at all. But part of me wanted to prove to myself that I still had it. A bit of luck myself. Luck that maybe John left me. But in the end I left the boat in the hole.
It didn't make matters better.

I am giving up on gambling and betting and anything that requires money in order to win. Without John it is a wasted game. I will still enter sweepstakes but I will never expect to get anything out of it anymore.

I am sure all the luck I once had has been passed to someone else. I wish I had it now... when I could use it most. Oh the things I could do with a little luck.
So, I now focus on the word blessed.
Perhaps I can be blessed by God... with something unexpected... something that requires no payment or buy in. Forget luck. I want to be blessed.

Outgoing

No matter how much I struggle in my life… I still find myself to be an outgoing person. That will never change. It’s something I just won’t lose. Because it’s a big part of who I am… not to mention it was a big part of what John loved about me. Hopefully others love it about me too. And hopefully someone someday can fall in love with me again and love me for it as well. It’s my character.
I make friends at airports. I make friends on planes. I mean, might as well? You are sitting next to another human being for a few hours and you can’t even say hello? I don’t know how other people do it really. Not become aquainted with those around them. It’s just odd to me. In the airport today I had two hours to just wait until my flight. I met a wonderful woman in line for Wendys. We laughed and talked waiting for our food. She has a great obsession with pickles and asked for a ton of them on her cheeseburger. It’s funny because I passed Wendys like 4 times before I finally decided that was where I wanted to eat. So, her name is Cat. And we start to chat… and I ask her to eat dinner with me. We have a fantastic conversation which included what we did for a living and where we are going for the holidays. She was going to New York to see her family. That’s where she is from. Currently she lives in Las Angeles and is the vice president of a tv network. Impressive, I know. She was telling me how she got to go visit Hans Zimmer’s composing hall. She said he composes in this place that looks like a theater. I was completely jealous! I love him!! She then invited me to go get her shoes shined with her. She was sooo excited about getting her boots shined. I have never seen someone get so much pleasure out of something so simple. She had such a fresh and bubbly personality. She mentioned how she doesn’t get to be this way at her job. She has to be the big bad boss… but this was really who she was. After wards she walked with me to some shops and I just felt like I could already open up to her. I told her all about John. I told her about losing him and the struggles I go through. I told the story so calmly. Almost as if the story wasn’t my own but another’s … or some folklore. It’s sometimes like I am telling a ficticious story. How could something so horrible happen at that time in someone’s life. How cruel to lose my fiancé after 17 days of engagement. 17 days after he turned 25. How cruel for me to find him. How sad how I now live alone and without him. I’m telling the story… and she is frowning. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable. But I keep telling it. Like I need to re-hash it. Like I need to tell the story as much as I can to make it more real. But I think it’s becoming less real. Am I still numb? After 7 months is that possible? Or am I accepting it? Doubtful.
Cat told me that God brought us together at the airport. She invited me out to visit her in L.A. She gave me her card and cell phone number and we made a pinky promise to text everyday with positive thoughts. (in fact we texted when each other boarded our planes)She says that so many people come to her office and it’s always bad news so I told her I would send good news every day. This will also be a good healing project for me… to find something positive in my life everyday. Because lately I have found that harder to search for. I have to dig a little deeper and sometimes I might only come up with something small.
The sun came up today. Ok, that’s good, right? My carpet doesn’t have any stains on it. My favorite TV show came on tonight. Lily didn’t pee in the bed in the middle of the night. I lost 1 pound.
That’s about it. It’s hard… but I know I have them. Blessings. I guess I just have put on my blinders. All I can focus on sometimes the crappy hand I was dealt with losing the love of my life that I can’t see past anything but that. It’s so hard. And it’s something you can quite get until it happens to me. As much as people try to encourage me and point me in a happier direction… I tend to get bitter. Because really what do they know? They haven’ gone through it. They don’t know. It’s SO EASY to tell someone “life will get better” when they stand on the other side of the fence. The whole grass is greener thing I have mentioned before. They are standing on the green grass and talking to me how life will get better. Really? You know this for sure? You have experienced this?
I know this sounds downright rude. I sound ungrateful. I am not. I am clearly bitter and slightly annoyed. I just want people to get real with me sometimes. I want them to really try to see things from my perspective. I am going to warn you. It will hurt. It will scare you. I thought about it a couple times when I was with John. One night I thought about it in bed and I just started bursting out in tears. I told John how scared I was to lose him. How I couldn’t imagine life without him. I don’t even know what brought this up… but it was probably just me sitting in bed and coming up with scenerios in my head and beginning to worry. I remember John holding me so tight. He held me and told me comforting words. “Sweetie, that’s not going to happen.” “I’m here and I am not going anywhere…”
Oh, John. Why couldn’t you be right?
So. Now I sit on the airplane (where I always get some of my best writing done) and think about my interactions with a stranger. And how that one interaction made my day a little brighter. And it made that person’s day a little brighter. That aspect of me that John loved so much still shines through. And perhaps that is also John shining through me. If he would have been with me he would have been just as social and we would have all left friends. That is just how we lived our life. We shared it with the world around us. Now I live for the both of us. Hoping each day that I will make him proud. That I will always try and bring out the things he loved best about me and the things I loved best about him.

New York

Believe it or not... my flights to New York were successful and practically ZERO anxiety!!!! Praise God! I owe it a big part to my medication I am taking now. I think the anxiety medication was a key part of what I needed to start healing.

Now it doesn't mean I don't have times when I don't get anxious or feel panic. It just minimizes it. Which is good. Because I don't EVER want to have what I had the other day happen again.

When I arrived in New York my sister picked me up.

We went straight from the airport to the long island railroad straigh

t to NYC to see Billy, Liz, Jim and Sarah.

It was nice to be greeted by Jim as soon as I got there. I have been gone away from him for a week and I feel like it's been ages. After all, he's like a father to me. And I live with him. He's my family.

Although I was in the city for about 24 hours.... it was a great escape.

We went out for drinks when I first got there and it was a GREAT surprise that Billy Fornaci and his girlfriend joined us! Her name is Katie and she is absolutely wonderful! I feel like I could have talked to her for hours and hours and never get bored. And she has beautiful looks on the outside to match her sweet soul inside. She would have met John at the wedding. He would have loved her too. She told me how Billy had wrote her a sweet note when he came back from the funeral here. How he told her that their relationship reminded him a lot of me and John's. How we are carefree and fun and always have a good time with each other no matter what. I felt that way too. When I see those two I see a reflection of both John and me. And it doesn't make me sad or jealous. It makes me pleased that there is love in exis

tence out there like that still. That others can carry on what John and I had so special.

The first night we went to a wonderful restaurant for dinner called Cuba de Asia. It was AMAZING. The food was fabulous and the company was even better. Having my sister there with John's family meant the world to me. This was the way it was supposed to be. Two families becoming one. I w

as excited for our families to become one. Raheann was excited to have John as a brother. I was excited to have Billy and Liz as my brother and sister. Then we went to see a musical... American Idiot. Not my musical cup of tea. I am more into uplifting stuff with cute melodies and glittery sets and costumes. But, it WAS broadway. My FIRST broadway show. And I appreciate it. And Jim Seay is just so sweet.

Liz had an encounter (awkwardly) with Colin Hanks. It was pretty funny.

And we also saw Helen Miren. I guess we were with the "it" crowd that night. Saturday night on Broadway. oh yea!

The next morning we had breakfast at a beautiful place called Park Avenue Summer. It's a really unique restaurant because every season they change their name... Park Avenue Autumn, Park Avenue Winter... etc.

They change the menu and even the whole decor of the restaurant. Truly clever.

Did I mention I was having dinner with the AMBASSADOR OF SLAVANIA!?

Apparently they are friends of Jim. I mean, who isn't? He's only the sweetest man in the world. You would be lucky to have him as a friend... or a father.

When people made introductions I got nervous when they got to me... Sarah introduced me as Autumn and then said "well... she was almost family."

I was completely depleated.

This is one of those moments. That you can't control.

I looked at Liz. She got the idea and we headed for the restroom.

I let go and cried and told Liz my feelings.

Sarah didn't mean to hurt my feelings but EVERYTHING hurts.

One of the biggest fears I have daily is losing the Seays. Losing my connection to them and the bond that we have made.

We all have come such a long way.

When I first entered the family no one knew what to think about me. "Who's this girl that's changing John? Who's this girl that's taking John away from us?"

There has been so much growth since those first few months... because we all knew we were going to be family. And eventually we figured out we all weren't too different from each other anyway.

I don't want to lose them. Even though I will never have a chance to carry their last name. I want to be part of the family forever.

Liz assured me this wasn't the case. That I won't lose them and it should be the last of my worries.

Liz has a very kind soul.

She would have been the perfect sister-in-law. It sucks they live so far away and it sucks I didn't spend more time with her and Billy when they lived right down the road from us. John and I talked about that a lot. How we wanted to hang out more. But I guess effort wasn't always put forth on both sides.

Those are just things I have to push out of my mind. Because I cant rewind life and I can't make up for lost time. Because I don't have John with me to do it.

I am glad John and I took a trip up to NY to see everyone in late March. I'm glad that we had those moments then... and that those memories will be there forever.

After the breakfast we went to a festival on 3rd Ave.

We bought cheap knock off sunglasses, ate fattening food, and laughed.

and cried.

Sometimes I speak with Jim and that's our time to share our inner thoughts. The kind of thoughts I usually save for this blog. And we cry. In public. On 3rd avenue... with hundreds of people around us in the middle of New York City. But it's ok to cry. Because that's how we grieve. And that's how much we loved.

Leaving NYC was hard. I felt as if I didn't spend enough time with Billy and Liz. I could have stayed a lot longer. And part of me... although I never thought this would happen.... has fallen in love with the city.

Before I left Jim took me and Raheann to the train station to say goodbye. As we entered the station there were street drummers. We both started crying. Anything with drumming and we lose it. He leaned over and told me one of his friends had named a star after John. And it says "the beat goes on..."

If anything the beat goes on forever in the rhythm of my heart. That's where I hold him closest now.

On the train ride back to Long Island a woman asked to sit in front of me.

I said fine (although dissapointed because I wanted to put my feet up...)

It turned out to be Isabella Rossalini.

I tried to talk to her casually (like I would do if ANYONE was sitting right next to me on a train). She turned out to be quite unpleasant.

She is no Jim Seay or Sarah Seay or Liz or Billy Seay.

She is definitely not a Raheann Rudolphi and Billy Fornaci.

She's nothing close to a John Seay.

And I feel bad that she will never get to meet these amazing people that I get to share my life with.

rock band

Family does it's part when it comes to taking your mind off things.

Spending time with Kalee, Brielle, Kaya, Karen and Bobby ... and their two wonderful dogs, Zion and Xander have been a true blessing to me this past week.

I am a far cry from where I was a week ago.

I feel like being with my family brings healing.

I keep entertained for the most part. Although Karen feels guilty we don't do enough to get my mind off things... Im fine really. The quiet time is fine. Like right now. I am typing on this blog while Kalee sends out a million texts in the kitchen and Brielle reads quietly on the floor next to Zion... the almost 11 year old Great Dane.

Brielle sort of hums while she reads. It's cute really. Something I don't think she is aware of. I keep looking over to see if maybe she is laughing. No. Just a little hum.

She pets Zion as she reads. It's comforting to them both... especially for a dog who is nearing the end of his doggy life.

This whole week I have been playing rock band with the girls. Even someone grieving is allowed to have fun.

One of the things John brought up frequently was "I feel so lucky to have a girlfriend/fiance that loves video games just as much as I do." It's true.

Although we always didn't like the same genres... we both could play for hours.

Rock Band was given to John on one of our anniversaries... 3rd? I hid it in our closet. He was so excited. (and secretly I was too.)

I remember inviting our friends over to play with us... Jeff and Mike and Tim. We created a band name called Gunslinger Applebottom. It was a combination of our two "code names" John and I created. Or... gamer tags. LOL Dorks, right???

We played it for hours and hours.

Eventually it became old news and we would break it out here and there... but playing it here with the girls reminded me of those times.

John's biggest goal was to play Tom Sawyer on difficult. One he mastered it he would go to Best Buy and head straight for the Rock Band display. He would play that song. on difficult. and impress anyone that happened to be around or noticed. I rolled my eyes. Boys.

Before we had rock band we would go to wal mart at about 12 am when no one was around and play it. We thought it was the most genius game ever. Although he gives you NO guitar skills at all. It actually is helpful rhythm wise on the drums and pitch wise for the vocals. So, why not?

Now I have created a new band with the girls. It's called marshmallow bells. don't ask.

I have a good time playing with them and feel proud to take over the drum position on medium. John would be proud of my mad skills.

He would also correct me too. lol

Tomorrow I depart on my next family adventure. I am going to NY for a week to spend time with my sister, Raheann as well as visit John's brother Billy and his wife Liz.

Pray for me because I am NOT a good airplane person. John was usually the best with helping me out with that. He would give me headphones and turn it on "Recycled Air" by The Postal Service. He always was wearing a hoodie so could easily hide his headphones. He thought he was so clever. :)

Then he would fall asleep and I would be wide awake and cringing at every bump and shake in the air. He would squeeze my hand and it would be ok.

The weirdest part is this.

In my mind I thought... if I was going to die in a plane crash... at least I would die with John. I know it's morbid but everyone has those thoughts. Of not dying alone.

And maybe that is part of the reason I hate flying by myself. Because if the plane were to crash I would be alone and have no one I love to hold on to.

This can't be uncommon to think about, right?

So... pray for my safety tomorrow. I have to take TWO planes. Which is even worse. Pray for my peace and understanding as I am still in complete confusion on what direction my life is taking right now.

I'll be back in NC in a week. Then we will see what goes on from there.

<3

"How are you doing?"

Probably the worst question I get all day.
And my response is always the same. It's usually nothing.

There are few people that are allowed a response.
mainly just close friends and family... and people that understand the question like Andi and Nicolle.
But other than that I usual don't answer. It's an awkward silence. One they were most likely expecting I assume.
But I don't know how to answer it.

I have even asked it to my friend, Andi. She lost her husband exactly 1 month before I left John. And we agreed we are allowed to ask each other.
We understand that it's more of asking "is today shittier or less shitter than usual?"

and I am sure others mean the same. but honestly i don't know how to answer it sometimes.

and then you get the stupid questions like "are you ready for summer?"
Umm.... NO.
What could I be possibly doing this summer now?
NOT planning my wedding. NOT spending time with the person I love most in this world.
NOT taking a mini vacay to St. Augustine with John.
What do you think I am looking forward to?

I will admit, however, that I am going to see my sister in NY.. and John's brother and sister-in-law in the city... and I am looking forward to that. But this was not the summer I had planned.
This isn't the typical teacher excited to be out of school and escape the chaos called middle schoolers summer.
As relieved as I will be when that final bell rings that day... all it will do is leave me empty and alone.
because really my future looks so empty right now.
everything is a huge blank.

i have NO idea what I am doing.
I am trying to make it day to day... which leads me to my nexct question I hate.

"what are you doing this summer..." or "what are you going to do now."
This question just is wrong.
How can you even ask me that?!
I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to heal as much as pssible. I can't make plans. i can't make promises. i can't think ahead.
i just do what i can.
i am lucky i bought a plane ticket for NY and actually set a date to fly up.
but i did.
but that's as far as a i got. it's a one way ticket anyway. i didn't have to think about when i needed to come back home.
although i think staying away too long might be painful.

as of right now... i don't know what my summer looks like. it's a far cry from last summer.
my last summer with john. the best summer i have ever had.
we traveled miles and miles... from the coasts of costa rica to the mountains of switzerland.
we seized our opportunites.
we let ourselves enjoy our youth, our time together.
i am so glad we did.



This was a photo from last summer before we left Costa Rica... so many feelings/experiences from that one.
we were so excited about going to Europe in a week.
my fear of the ocean had just begun after almost drowning.
I was dissapointed in losing a job opportunity.. and being quite jobless at the same time.
the magic lost the championships.
the excitement of zip lining in the rain forest.
john insisting that the mural on the wall looked like me...
family time. and everyone being there. the whole seay gang with significant others.


my summer won't be that again.
it won't be that ever again.