April still sucks

It's May 2nd.
I missed my annual "I hate you April" blog post.

To be honest my health issues have gotten in the way... and therefore I am constantly tired... and therefore even blogging can take a lot out of me.
On a positive note though I am having better days now health wise. I am not having CONSTANT dizziness and I am starting to feel normal again.

But April was hard again.

April was harder.

April sucks.

Fuck April.


Of course on April 22nd, 2013 it was the three year anniversary of losing my John.
Each year I fear more and more people will forget about him. I fear less people will remember. It worries me.
I don't want John to be forgotten.
I took the day off as I usually do... and I spent it with Ryan.
It wasn't what I had imagined in my mind... sitting down next to a lake and releasing doves in the air. Half the day was doctor's appointments.

I survived another milestone.
I have come so far.
I honestly think that John would be proud. I honestly think this is where he would want me to be...  for the most part.


Two days after April 22nd I got a phone call from John's sister, Annie.
She asked if I had spoken to anyone and asked if Ryan was around.
That always means bad news.
I sat on the couch.... my heart already racing... the room starting to spin.
I get into major panic attack mode anytime gets this serious.
And my gut was correct.
John's sister-in-law, Liz, has a step dad named Alan. Every year he cooks the most AMAZING Thanksgiving dinner for us at the Seays.
And Annie had called to tell me he had passed away.

The day after his 50th birthday.
2 days after John's death day.

It was terribly sad and overwhelming.
All I could think about was his wife, Deb. (who I have known for about 7 years now..)
Deb and Alan are my family.
I do not know any better.
These people are my life.

But your mind completely changes when you lose someone you love.
You think about the person who was left behind.
And all I could think about was how Deb was dealing with it all.
Her first night sleeping alone... was she eating?? Could she even brush her teeth? Did she go through his closet to pick out his last outfit? What kind of hard decisions was she having to make about arrangements and saying goodbye?

It was really hard to go see her.
But I really wanted to.

I couldn't believe I entered the house without crying.
And I can't believe I was so strong when Liz (John's sister in law) held me sobbing on my shoulder.
I felt for once I was the comforter.

But then i saw Deb.
And my knees almost buckled.
That "strong" Autumn melted away and I lost it.
And the first thing she said (after some tears) was this:

"Fuck April. We are getting shirts that say Fuck April."

And then we laughed.
And then we cried.



Seriously.


fuck. april.

Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

Something old, something new.

I'm sitting at our kitchen table.
Well, John's kitchen table. Well, me and John's kitchen table.
I am holding a pair of cards and playing poker.
I fold. My hand sucked. But I am laughing.... because I am honestly having a great time.
And all around me are familiar faces.
And bottles of beer.
And lots of smiles and laughs.

something old. something new.

The table is old.
It started out as John's college roommate's table.
It was used mainly for beer pong.
Eventually John bought it for about $30 and it's been with us ever since.
It's sturdy.
We call it the "Knights of the Square table." Because it's heavy and durable and OLD.
But it has character.
And I can't manage to let it go just yet.

The faces are old and new.
The faces of John's friends mixed with the faces of Ryan's
Mixed with the faces of mine.

We are doing the "impossible" in widow world.
We have combined our worlds.
We are having a poker night with people we love from various stages of our lives. Percussionists that worked with or under John.
Musicians that marched corps with Ryan.
Co-workers from my job. Consequently the co-worker is also the guy that took over my position at Walker when I left after John's death.
And here we all are.
In our house.
In ME AND RYAN'S house.
Playing cards on ME AND JOHN'S TABLE.
These are OUR friends now.
United by John in the end.
We can laugh and tell jokes and have a good time and I think secretly everyone imagines what it would be like if John were there.
His absence is noted.
Not outloud ... but privately and silently in our minds and thoughts.
we all wish he was still here.

And there's something about going over for Easter to the Seays house ....
the house doesn't look different downstairs. all the pictures are still hanging. me and John. John's baby photos. Everyone's prom pictures.
and it's comforting to me.
i also get knots in my stomach just before opening their door because i am afraid one day it will all be torn down and they won't care anymore.
but it's not.
even in his dad's office there are pictures of me everywhere.
i am still loved....

something old.


and bringing Ryan over is always such an experience.
we get to do all the things that i would have been doing with John.

except it's ryan.

something new...

The boys love Ryan.
they hug his legs and say they love him.
it warms my heart.
and brings a peace to me because it's an acceptance. that even the small minds of John's nephews have accepted Ryan has something permanent. and they like him.
and i like that.


Mixing my old life with John and my new one with Ryan sometimes shocks me with how well it blends. It almost flows so well that I feel like something is WRONG with me. Like there should be a problem. I even ask Ryan sometimes "are you ever angry/hurt/mad/jealous with my feelings for John." And he isn't.
Of course.
And then I am like... well, is this really how it's supposed to be?
Can my two lives really mesh together this well and everyone be ok?

I mean, there have been a few along the way that haven't transitioned so well. And I may have lost some.
But maybe those were some worth losing at the time.
maybe I will gain them back.


But for now I think the people I have in my life... old and new... are amazing.
And I am very blessed to have them in my journey.
The old to remind me of my wonderful past and share my memories ...
and the new to create amazing new memories with.


My new.
My "us"

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

You say you want to make a resolution?

I can't stand watching the facebook status updates on Dec. 31.
All of a sudden everyone becomes more enlightened... they have it "figured out" and also feel the need to give out unwanted advice. Or act too good for resolutions...
One of my biggest peeves is those who make statements like "why do you wait until Jan. 1 to make a resolution? you can start anytime... blah blah blah"

...

it's pretentious.

I mean, give people a little credit for TRYING to make a resolution for goodness sake!

And if it wasn't people getting all hot and bothered about other's resolutions it was people bitching about their 2011.
It sucks for widows to read statuses where people have nothing to do but complain about horrible their year was. People that got married, that have beautiful and healthy children, people who have AMAZING high paying jobs, people who are perfectly healthy, etc.
No one that had been widowed complained about their year.
Even though they probably had the shittiest years of all.
Most of them were probably smarter than me and stayed off of facebook anyway. Facebook, as I have mentioned before, has always been a weakness of mine and I am gradually learning how to balance it out and not take things personal.
Until yesterday.
When everyone's status made my blood boil
And so I have started cleaning out my facebook.
I have deleted people (yes) and I have mostly unsubscribed from people who do nothing but post nonsense that i really could care less about.
Pictures of them getting ready for the club, statuses of constant frustration, people that only quote lyrics or films, etc. etc.
All hidden from view now :)

So, I think that was one positive step to start this new year for sure.

As for my resolutions... I do have them. Call it cliche or whatever but everyone deserves a fresh start. The new year just may give people a chance to find page one.
My thing is... give people the chance.
And here is my chance.
2012 will be MY year.
A positive, blessed year.
And one that I know I have to be in control of.... for the most part.

Some resolutions:

1) LOSE THE FREAKING WEIGHT.
I am once again officially the heaviest I have ever been.
it's just getting annoying.
mainly because I control it and I am well aware of it.
I eat like crap and I don't exercise. So, at least I know how to fix the problem. I am aware that what I am currently doing (which is nothing) is the wrong thing and all I need to do is go opposite of that and I will see results.
Minor fixes: drink more water, eat out less.
Major fixes: join a gym, take yoga, change eating habits completely.

By the summer I would love to be down 20 lbs or more.
Perhaps I should set up a separate small blog dedicated to that journey... anyone know how to do that?????
like... ya know... a tab up top where it would link to my other blogs?
which leads me to the next resolution (which these are in no order at all)...

2) Fix my blog.
It's outdated. and kind of dark...
and need expansions to fit me expanding my life.
I would love to add a section on other aspects of my life in addition to my grief journey... as well as a special section where ryan can write once a week.
so, I am currently in the market for someone to "pimp my blog."
Or... a blog designer.
If you have any suggestions please let me know.
remember: i am a teacher and a widow. money is tight.

3) Figure out finances.
Living paycheck to paycheck is getting old.
Ryan and I have come up with some ideas to try and get out finances better figured out for the year 2012... and one of the goals being for Ryan to pursue a job other than Universal and to get into law school. If he goes to school that will be his full time "job" and I will try to make ends meet on the other end. No matter what I need to get out of debt. My debt isn't much compared to many out there... but enough to make me not like it. Paying off my car and credit card this year is on the top of my list. I just came across the app called mint.com!! I highly recommend it to everyone that is interested in money management. I am kind of obsessed with it. It helps you budget out your fiances and gives you warnings when you go near budget or over it and also offers advice. I check it daily. The best part is that Ryan and I linked our bank accounts ( yes, already) and we are budgeting as a couple and not as individuals. So it takes into account both our ... well... accounts.

4) God/church/bible
Ryan and I have already concluded we need to 1) establish a church 2) pray DAILY 3) read the Bible
One of my favorite things to do with Ryan is pray together. it's a special thing we do at least once a month where we hold hands in bed and pray outloud for each other. It is especially helpful when I am feeling anxious. There is something about coming together and speaking to God as a couple that makes everything seem so much better. It really does put me at ease.
As for church ... the problem we seem to be coming across is the fact that I am non-denominational and ryan is catholic. We don't necessarily always agree on where to go for service. I don't care that he is Catholic at all. I just tend to get bored in Catholic services (not to mention mean glares when I take communion at a Catholic wedding and do not do the whole cross my head, heart thing). So, we might just have to compromise on this one.

5) Get creative!
My creative juices have really been flowing lately! There is soooo much I want to do but of course things that keep me from doing it... money and time being the prime suspects. So, I am going to try and set aside one day a week to do something "crafty." Either by myself or with a friend. Doing crafts (or baking, cooking) really helps me release tension and I am hoping that I can also use craft skills to bless others when it comes time to birthdays, parties, etc. I mean, I always love getting handmade things from people... so I am sure others would like that too.

6) Fall in love every day.
I want to continue the relationship I have with Ryan in the direction that we are going and never take advantage of a single moment.
Widows get a big appreciation at a second shot at love.
We take advantage of every moment, big or small.
We want to make memories everyday. Photos at every event, saying "yes" to any invitations, road trips whenever possible... we want to make sure we live our new lives to the fullest.
I am hoping that everyone would do this.... and not have to be a widow to learn to do so. Luckily, I have always lived by that mantra.

7) Family and Friends
2011 brought me closer to a lot of people.
Sadly, I lost a few friendships along the way. Some have not completely disappeared. They have faded. They still linger there but are not the same as they were before.
Now i have new ones to work on.
New people to care for and love.
And there is always my family... who I always feel the need to stay connected with as possible. The longer time goes by the farther apart everyone spreads so keeping in touch has been a challenge. I want to try and visit EVERYONE this year. i feel bad because Kristi was once again left out... mainly because she is the most expensive to visit. So, I want to make sure she becomes a priority.



In June Ryan and I wrote a list of goals.
We got to review them and edit them tonight.
After 6 months we accomplished a little... but not as much as I wanted to.
I will perhaps post them sometime this week... they are our "official" resolutions. I can then continue to track them and watch to see if we obtain the goals we are setting out for ourselves.

My advice to everyone is... go ahead and make a resolution.
Don't worry about what those pretentious people say about you not having to do it on Jan 1. I think Jan 1 is a fine day to make a resolution. (not to mention it's easier to track). (not to mention it's easier to obtain things like finances and weight management now that the holidays are over).


And here is to the year 2012....
may it be filled with happiness, health and love... lots and lots of love.

                                                   Cecilia is ready to ring in the new year...

bah-humbug!!!!

the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.

those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.

and now it feels lost.

My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.

I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.

minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?

We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.

And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.

This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????

I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.


I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).

Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.

And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.

empire state of mind

HOLY BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life just went into overdrive.

mainly because i hit the august mark.

and i came back from my short lived vacation.

new york was great fun.

for some reason i got really excited to take my first plane ride with Ryan (even thought i hate flying...)

I think it was because I have someone to fly with again.

Someone's hand to squeeze on lift off or when there is turbulance.

someone to talk to and separate me from strangers that may sit by me.

ryan let me have the window seat.

I am so thankful he's understanding about this.

I mean, who really likes the middle seat anyway???

Ryan got to meet my sister. The NY sister, Raheann.

and her husband and in-laws.

i was so excited Ryan got to meet one of my siblings.

he had met Kristi.. but only for a short period of time.

This was actually quality time! I was very excited to show him off.. I am so proud of my new found relationship. I almost want to be like "see! look what I can do! Look how far I have come! I got a good one!!!"

Ryan and I went to the city twice.

He hasn't been since he was a young teenager.

I went last summer.

in a very opposite direction that I am currently in.

So, it was different going back to the city with Ryan. Mainly because this was a place I had been to with John... twice. And it was where we had spent our last vacation. I had actually thought he would propose to me in NY... and then a few days after we got back in 2010 he did.

It was actually a good time. We did different things i have never done before. honestly, in NYC you can go back many many times and still find new things to do.

This time I lucked out and got tickets to Jimmy Fallon!!!!!

I LOVE JF! I record EVERY show and sometimes will sit and watch 3-4 episodes at a time. :) We really lucked out when we went... well, part luck and part charm really.

We got to meet up with John's good friend, Billy, and his girlfriend while we were there and invited them to go to the show with us.

since they were running late i actually got to speak to one of the managers/producers and somehow talked my way into FRONT ROW SEATS!!!!!!!!

I got to see Jimmy up close and personal along with the Roots, Julianne Moore, Chris Katan, Dominick Cooper ....and... get this... BEYONCE!!!

It was soooo fun!!!! i hugged jimmy fallon and got his autograph. talked to the tuba player (mainly) from the roots, got teased by jimmy fallon, sat next to chris katan, waved and exchanged words with beyonce as she left the show and got some free perfume to boot :)

I know.. I was totally star struck.

But it was sooo fun.

Then the next few days were good... but a little rough because my stomach was causing big issues. My inflammation was on full blast the last two days we were there.

it really sucked because it cut down our second visit to the city and made me a total lame-o .. especially when my sister wanted to do stuff or go out.

i was glad that i had a chance to meet up with John's brother and sister-in-law though before we left.

and I am glad they got to meet Ryan.

I have really been doing my best to try and make sure everyone meets Ryan. I want people to see this person that brought the light back into my world. Who literally saved my life. And it's my family and John's family in which I value their opinions the most.

So far... Ryan's a hit :)

I mean obviously everyone is going to love him because they see how happy he makes me ... and that is what matters the most. People want to see me happy again.

And.

I am.

I hate that my vacation was semi-ruined by the fact that my stomach hates me.

When I got back I had a follow up appt. with my doctor and we went over my test results.

i can go ahead and praise God that there is no cancer.

I do have quite a bit of gastritis and some acid refulx which is causing the tightness in my throat. I also have a nodule in my thyroid that now has to be biopsied... and more blood work... and ANOTHER ultrasound.. this one on my stomach ( gallbladder area).

More tests.

And hopefully figuring out how to live normal again.

For now I can't eat or drink anything I like.

No chocolate.

No coke.

No tea.

No coffee.

No french fries.

Very strict.

Very bland.

But i give it up gladly in order to feel better again.

here's to feeling better!

the family dynamic.

something funny happens when you lose the love of your life and then God teaches you to love again.

you gain another family.

and yet you keep the ones you had before.

this is clearly evident with me and the seays and sirmeyers.

john's family. ryan's family.

and let me go ahead and make a statement. a praise of how THANKFUL I am that I still have the seays in my life. many widows I know have lost their late love's families during the process and sometimes for just plain selfish reasons. for instance blame. sometimes families need to blame someone for their loss and their significant other seems like a good direction to point a finger. Or sometimes they find it too painful of a reminder to associate themselves with that person anymore. But, why wouldn't you want to keep that connection.

The connection I had with John is unlike any connection anyone else had with him. period.

No one will ever know that side of John but me.

it's the privilege you have being their other half.

you get let in.

to that special side of them.

that's one of the reason's why romantic relationships are so special.

and so, to disconnect yourself from that person and completely disconnecting yourself from a side of your child that you'll never get to know. Especially since they only shared it with that person. that person you are choosing to disconnect from.

I don't see how someone could build bonds with a person and then cut them off in their most time of need.

It's like losing more than one person.

It's like the death of a whole family and not just that one person.

I feel for those people. Those men and women who are left to grieve without their loved ones and that connection to them.

And I feel bad for the families that decide they don't need that connection anymore.

So. I am grateful.

And my plate is full.

I went and visited John's mom and nephews yesterday. My nephews. They are a lot of fun... the older they get the more fun... and crazy! I got there early before picking up the boys from daycare to help John's mom with some cleaning. (i don't ever mind doing things for them because they have TONS for me). Then I picked up the boys and played, ate dinner, played some more, gave them a bath, read them a book and had an exhausting time putting them down for bed. But I enjoyed all of it. And Ryan joined me at the end around bathtime... and although I know John would love to be there helping with his nephews.. I am glad Ryan gets to experience it. He has one brother and no nephews or nieces yet. So, it's good for him.

Later that night he said that I was going to be a good mom.

I felt so warm inside after that comment.

And then immediately had a great feeling of wanting a baby.

LOL.

No worries. No babies for us anytime soon.

the balancing act of three families can be tiring.

I want to be there for everyone all the time.

but it's hard.

because...

1) distance

2) time

if it's not one of those elements it's the other.

i really wish my family lived closer to me. as in my brother and sisters. Vegas, Long Island and North Carolina are all too far for me.

as much as I make an effort to visit them all it isn't quite enough in my eyes.

i even hate to admit it but last time my sister, Kristi, came down we met only ONCE and she was here for two weeks.

and that's where TIME comes in.

Managing my time with friends and family is complicated.

oh yea... and slip that job in there too.

and then personal time. which sometimes i don't think i give myself enough of because i completely rely on the company of other's all the time.

and that's not really an all out bad thing.

i just like socializing.

i like company.

i like the presence of others.

and occasionally... i do not. but on rare occasion indeed.

but most of all I am enjoying the new found company of my new best friend, Ryan.

whom i am completely in love with.

and a big congrats to us for dating a whole 5 months! Although I feel like it's been way longer. i am enjoying it all... and also wishing our schedules wouldn't conflict so much so we could spend even more time together.

so with the addition of a relationship...

spending time with people became harder.

one relationship i feel a complete disconnect from is my best friend, Evan.

I don't think our relationship has been the same since John's death.

I kind of feel like I may have traumatized her a bit.... since she was there when his body was carried away in a bag.

and the other fact is I changed.

i had my time of unpleasantness.

and her life was going in an opposite direction.

she fell in love.

and i lost it.

two different directions.

and she latched on to others who more reflected where she was currently at in her life.

and now that my life is back in that direction i want to rekindle what once was there.

The other thing that stresses me out is I feel like in order to do anything with ANYONE ... I have to plan it.

always.

As much of a planner that I am ... sometimes I just hate it. I want OTHERS to do the planning. I want someone to be like "hey, im going to this lake on this date and do you wanna come." Or be like "hey, do you wanna get dinner one night? how about this night?" instead it's like "hey! let's meet up."

how ambiguous!!!

How about we figure it out now??

and not wait forever.

"oh i want to see you sometime soon..."

oh?

are you already booked all week?

do you need to pencil me in?

JUST DO IT ALREADY.

If you want to see me or if you want to call me or if you want to plan some kind of gathering... JUST DO IT.

and please.

spend time with your family.

because they are gold.

just some friendly advice.

My heath, dad's health, Ryan's help.

Lets start off with a big THANK YOU JESUS to my dad's recent health news.
A couple of weeks ago my dad passed out on a Friday night at his house... I was told by my Aunt Larue he was out for about 15 minutes. being unconscious for that long is NO GOOD. My other aunt found him and called the ambulance.
Now... keep in mind that this happened on FRIDAY night.
When did Autumn get a phone call????
Sunday night.
My dad waited two days to tell me because he didn't want me freaking out.
i am the delicate flower after all.
everyone is very cautious with me.
and i understand.
i am an emotional volcano ready to explode at any moment.
i am by no means "dormant."
but.
you can't just hold off important information like that from me.
so, not only was I upset because my dad was in the hospital... but i was upset because it was kept from me.

I had to get all my updates from aunts, sisters, and brothers.
dad would never tell me anything directly.
apparently he may have suffered a mini stroke. that's what an aunt had said.. and a sister. but i am still not 100% sure.
he broke some ribs during his fall and had to get stitches in his foot and his finger.
What was supposed to be a couple days turned into ONE WEEK as doctors poked and proded to find out what had happened. Thank GOD everything came back ok.
His heart is fine.
His nervous system is fine.
Just a little high blood pressure... which i would expect from my stress ball of a dad.
And a bit of high cholesterol. which actually was surprising cause he's mr. "nutrition." or at least he comes off that way when he tells me i need to lose weight all the time.

it was such a stressful week for me.

my dad raised me my whole life.
he is IT.
he was the best man in my life until John.
and then until Ryan.
I am his baby girl.
i am his youngest.
he is my daddy.

and the last thing i needed was to lose someone else in my life.
i just know i can't handle it right now.
i just know it will crush me.

and so, I am thankful for the break.
I am thankful my dad is here and healthy and safe.
I really want to hold his arm when I walk down the aisle one day.
whenever that day may be....



and then there's me.
a wreck to say the least.
emotionally more than anything.
my anxiety and depression wears down on me all the time. it keeps me from sleeping, from eating healthy, from enjoying activities... it's a pain in the ass.
So when physical symptoms pose a problem.... i freak out.
I am VERY cautious of feelings of sickness now.
almost to an extreme.
but i do the best i can to eliminate things on my own.
lately i have been having a constricting, tight feeling in my throat.
it reminds me of my freshman year in college where i had trouble in my throat to the point of suffocating... and had to get a shot in my ass at the ER. it was a memorable night for me and the 5 friends that joined me at 2am the night before we left for the sugar bowl with chiefs.
but this time it isn't quite as extreme. i can breathe... but swallowing is a bit of a challenge.
it's on and off.
sometimes i get it and sometimes i don't. BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
and as much as i try and resist this... i turn to Google and webMD. WORST DECISIONS EVER. They will make you feel like you have the worst illness/disease ever. You will turn off your computer thinking you are dying.
so. i decided i am no expert and went to the doctor last night. just a walk in Urgent care.
After checking out my throat and ears they suggested a GI specialist... cause most likely it's my esophogas. (sp??) awesome.
but.. the doctor just asked if i wanted a steroid shot just in case.
i figured it work in college and it would work again.
wrong.
VERY PAINFUL SHOT.
no help for my throat.

so. now i have a tight throat and a throbbing ass. lovely.
My GI appt. is next week. I will keep you updated. I really hope
Ryan has been a saint during EVERYTHING. He went with me to LW to visit my dad... and didn't judge me for the town i grew up in. come on, lake wales has it's small town charm. i just couldn't ever live there again. ever.
he went back with me for father's dad to see my dad again since he wasn't supposed to be driving. well, supposed to be. obviously he didn't care because i heard through the grapevine he was driving the next day! dad!!!!!!
it was neat... having a three family father's day. it was somewhat like christmas... visiting one family after the next.
i guess i always wanted a big family.
and now i have it.

the morning started off with ryan's family and we had a grill out lunch with his parents and brother and his wife.
then we headed over to the Seays for a joint james and Matthew birthday and father's day. I love how comfortable Ryan is with John's family. it's a rare dynamic that we have in our lives but he totally gets why i love them so much. and they really like him too. (phew)
the last part of the day was spent in LW with my dad.
all in all it was a good day. as we rode home we both were rather happy. there's nothing like spending quality time with the people you love. and i got a lot of love that day. and i got to share that love with everyone. i love family.
and ryan turned to me and told me how much he enjoyed it too.
i think we both long for that family affection.
and i know we both look forward to starting our own one day.
but right now we are enjoying the family of us right now.
me and ryan.
i like our relationship.
i like where it's headed.
especially since as of sunday we are officially in ...
OUR VERY OWN PLACE!

We signed the lease and moved in on Sunday and even though it's a disaster with boxes everywhere and a ton of unpacking... it's our little 2 bedroom apartment bliss.
no more ghetto apartment complex with weird neighbors.
no more walking up three flights of stairs.

it's a much more peaceful atmosphere.
it a place that is "ours."

and although i am sure many people would be surprised i am moving in with someone after only 4 months of dating. but seriously, he moved in after month 1.
i guess i don't really care.
because it makes me happy.
and that's the part people should care about.

He's a keeper!

Once again my blog is taking the back seat. And it's not like I want it to. I really do want to share and write down all the things that have been happening in my life... it's just also because of my new chapter in my life that I have decided to give it a bigger focus. But I really feel like it's important to share this part. Because it proves a point. It proves that you can find happiness and love again. It is out there. For all of you skeptics. And for those of you who have never found it at all. I have found that.

again.

In a few minutes it will be April.

The month I have dreaded.

The month I never thought would come again and the month I swore I would never make it through.

But, without expecting this... I have someone to hold my hand through it... literally hold my hand and tell me it's ok. A man. A man who hasn't run away from this. Who embraces it.. because it makes me who I am. Crazy and all i guess.

I am not saying April will be easy. at all.

I just know for certain it will be easier.

And through these past few weeks I am VERY certain this is true.

Because through dating Ryan I have realized what an amazing person he is. What a strong heart he has and what a sweet soul he has as well.

Yesterday was a big step.

Ryan got to meet my other parents.

Ryan got to meet John's parents.

I know this situation may seem odd for some people. Especially for those who have had a bad relationship with the in-laws after losing their loved one. I get that. You really couldn't care less to introduce your future beaus. You couldn't give a damn what their opinions were or even if they ever knew. This is NOT the case with John's parents and family. Because they are VERY much still my family.. and will always be. (as i have stated before many times).

I asked Ryan if he was ready.... and he was.

John's dad had wanted me to come over and finish sorting out John's things before the 5th of April (John's birthday).

I knew having ryan come with me would be a good thing.

It was refreshing to go back to the Seay house... it's been awhile since I was there. It was a different feeling walking in holding the hand of someone else. But, it wasn't a bad feeling. just different. Ryan met Jim, Sarah, Annie, Edgar and the boys. Everyone was very receptive... even the boys were clinging to his legs once they got comfortable. They did ask me once "is this your dad?" I laughed and said no. "Mr. Tim is my dad."

"who is this?"

oh dear. what do you tell 3 year olds??

"this is ryan."

ok, that was easy.

no need for a big explanation here.... 3 year olds just want a concrete answer anyway. details can be explained later.

Ryan and Jim sat in the living room and chatted.

Then the three of us sat in the kitchen and chatted.

Then we went upstairs... oh boy.

We entered the room which was once mine and John's room. I pointed this out to Ryan... showing him where I slept and pointing out John's Phantom Regiment frame on the wall. He looked it over... actually very interested in everything....

i am sure that this is his way of getting to know John better. to understand the man who loved me before.

Then Jim sat me down and showed me the final things needed to be sorted out of John's... ties, drum keys, little trinkets....

and then the box.

which held all of John's personal items from his wallet and car.

The box we all hated to go through.

Jim left the room for this part. It was hard enough as it was... and he had already began to cry... in front of me and ryan. I was nervous. How would Ryan react??? He sat there silently and rubbed my back. I almost felt as if he wanted to reach out to Jim too. But the moment passed... and I was relieved it did.

I sorted through the box with ryan by my side. He held me close and rubbed my back as I shuffled through John's credit cards, IDs, pressed pennies and a picture holder... filled all with photos of me. I took each one out and kept them. I offered them to Ryan and he said he felt bad taking them... I guess as if taking them away from John. Which I understand.

I kept a pressed penny that said Braves on it. John's favorite baseball team. Ryan is a yankee and that's ok. I will root for both :)

I kept a piece of paper a fellow employee gave to John stating what a great job he was doing at work.

And everything else I placed back.

John's cards have no more use anymore... and I just know that keeping these cards are not what I need.... especially considering I already have so much other things of his.

I cried while going through all these things.

i cried because this was all that was left.

John's life placed into ziplock bags and tiny boxes. Pieces of him distributed to those who loved him most.

But no John.

Ryan wrapped his arms around me when we were finished.... he held me until I stopped crying and then joined me to walk down the hall to John's parent's room to watch a dvd Jim had made. On our way down the hall I made note of the room where I had found John. I wanted Ryan to know. But he had already figured it out. He asked me if it was the same and I told him no... that it had been changed dramatically.

I also showed him the other quilts I made for John's family.

Then we watched the video of John singing at a 50s party at school. It was hilarious to watch. We were all laughing.

Ryan included.

He doesn't grow tired of hearing John stories, or comforting me when I cry.... he actually loves listening to them.

He is almost inspired.

Today I told him a story of a Valentine's gift John had gotten me and my roommates once and Ryan was like "this is good information to know..."

I make sure Ryan knows that I don't try to compare them. I don't flaunt things like "John did this... and John did that...why don't you?"

It would be very odd if any of these things were replicated.

Now, odd coincidences... yes, those happen. But, those are just what they are. A coincidence.

Ryan's respect for John's place in my life and heart is admirable. He truly is a one of a kind guy.

And John's family realized this immediately.

As we left the house John's dad bragged on how Ryan was so brave to take on two dads and the spirit of my ex fiance.

And he then assured him that all three were pleased to have him in our lives.

This was refreshing and weird.

first, hearing ex fiance was odd. it sounds like we broke up.

second, it does feel like i have extra support both earthly and spiritually looking out for my well being and making sure that I am taken care of.

It was a successful visit.

when i got home I had an email waiting for me from Jim

Subject: Ryan

Message: Is a KEEPER!!!!!

I couldn't agree more :)

I think I will keep him.

ilymtli.

still.

In Your Corner....

blogging has taken a back seat lately.

for multiple reasons.

1) life.

life is happening.

2) Work

School has been kicking my ass lately.... mainly because it's MPA season. This time every year is a time to do the freak out thing. every music director goes through it. especially in orange county. the pressure on your kids performance is overwhelming. it almost takes the fun out of it. the fun out of teaching. three strangers judging you and your kids on ONE performance... and then the rest of your colleagues judge you from there.

but something happened this year.

i decided to taper off my medication. well, paxil. and it has been one hell of a ride. as in HELL. Nausea, dizziness, tingling, vomiting, dry heaving, extreme headaches, exhaustion, etc. etc.

UGH.

so, on the friday before MPA week I got terribly sick.

just, horrible.

i came to work thinking the feeling would subside like it usually does. throughout all the reading I have done it always encourages you to "get out of bed!" And i did...

but in the end i sat in my office and struggled with myself.

i couldn't stay.

when i told nicole she was furious... as i guessed she would be. i felt bad. but always hated feeling bad for feeling bad.

i honestly have done an AMAZING job of keeping my emotions out of my work life. this day it was different. i needed to go home and rest it off.

and i did.

and when i came back on monday my principal called me into her office and said i would not be conducting my bands at MPA. that nicole would take over for me.

that the stress was just too much for me.

i was just mortified.

that this is where my life had come down to.

where my emotions literally have taken control of my life. that people consider me too unstable to handle situations under pressure.

to be honest it had NOTHING to do with MPA and all to do with my medications.

as much as i begged it ended up nicole did take my band.

and they did great.

i went with nicole when her band performed. and i did break down. quietly. silently. in front of a parent actually.

because john died exactly one week after MPA last year. i remember he sent me these amazing text messages telling me what a great teacher i was and how my kids would do great because of that. he was ALWAYS in my corner.

i scanned through his last texts to me. i read the ones he sent to me last year during MPA while I was stressing out here and he was working with tci in Dayton. I hated that he wasnt around during my MPA. back then it seemed like a big deal.

now.... now that i know....

i would have skipped it all just to have a few extra days with him. by the time we both got back from our trips after MPA/Dayton we had 4 days with each other. But, they were great days. Great, great days.

which leads into #3.....

3) Ryan.

who was unexpected and now ... so appreciated. Ryan was an answer to a prayer. a prayer which i had been praying for a while now. his companionship... our relationship... has flourished in a short time and has given me a brightness inside which i have not had in a long time. it's a small bloom of a beautiful flower. i can see good things happening in it's future.... but really trying to live in the moment and enjoy now.

when i wake up everyday and go to my bathroom there is a quote on the wall that says "live one day at a time..."

this is my new motto.

and will be for the rest of my life.

with Ryan we take it one day at a time.

i do not try and compare him to John. I do not expect things from him that i once had. i only expect him to be himself. something different and new.... which is totally ok to have.

this doesn't mean i have forgotten john. nor does it mean i don't long for john's existence in my life.

all i know is that I have a new person in my corner.

someone that looks past the grief and the sorrow and sees something inside that others may not see.

he sees me.

he sees who i am.

and even maybe who i once was.

he doesn't see death.

he doesn't shun me if i cry or if i tell a memory.

he embraces it.

he doesn't give me a hard time about my emotions and the crazy roller coaster of shit that accompanies my medication withdrawal.

he says i am amazing and sweet and kind.

and beautiful.

obviously, he sees something that i can't even see....

but he says "i am in your corner... " and i know he means it.

4) withdrawal

as you may have gathered from the above writing... medication withdrawal is a BITCH. At least coming off Paxil is. I don't people quite grasp it's seriousness. and honestly i feel there are people that don't believe me when i explain it.... like i am weak and making up excuses. like i just need attention or that i need another thing in my life to feel bad about. trust me, the last thing i want is to feel like shit physically on top of what i feel emotionally.

NO ONE should have to go through this. and i wish i had done my research before i got on the meds... but in a time of crisis... in a time where all you can think about is dulling the pain... you will do anything. and medication was an answer at the time.

the other day John's dad sent me an email after i told him what happened at work and with my withdrawal. He said he was proud of me. PROUD of me for going off the meds and being strong... and he ended his email with "im in your corner.."

All these amazing people in my corner.

some very apparent and present.

some in my corner and are far away.

some ... i don't even know about but are there from a distance... thinking of me. rooting for me.

i have people who want to see me happy. they want to see me better.

they are on my side. on my team. and cheering me on. some... perhaps carrying me through sometimes.

it took some time for me to realize how many were in my corner.

but, now my eyes are opening.

and of all those people... 2 amazing men... one on Earth and one in Heaven are rooting the hardest.

What is this feeling?

...so sudden and new...

oh, Wicked.

So, my life has took a turn in a new direction.

I now am dating a man who I really enjoy... and still balancing my feelings for the man I am still in love with.

But, this new feeling is exciting.

I have entered the first stage of a new relationship. Something I haven't experienced in a long time... 6 years.

I feel like Im 16 years old all over again. I fumble. We fumble. There are awkward moments... and then there are moments where we make new discoveries about each other! I enjoy it all.

Although things are going swell in this new relationship... there are still things I have to deal with in the other areas of my life. Last night I sat in my bed and had a terrible anxious night. I sat in bed and a fear overcame me. Something I haven't felt in awhile.... fear.

Now that I have someone new in my life I am filled with new worries.

When I let someone else enter my life I run the risk of having my heart broken... I run the risk of losing them.... of growing attached to him. When you attach yourself to something you become completely consumed with it. There is a day.. one day... when you may find yourself thinking "us" and not just me.

And it scares me. enough to make me stay up at night with my eyes wide open. tossing and turning in the dark. trying to figure out how to do this again.

because honestly, i have started out quite comfortable with him. i really like him. he's sweet, thoughtful... and a true gentleman.

Today I told John's family.

Well, I told John's mom and John's sister and john's brothers girlfriend. I figure it will make it's way around to the rest of the group.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.

But, they were so happy for me. John's mom opened her arms to be and hugged me with a genuine joy.

i was relieved.

we were celebrating Billy's (John's older brother) birthday.

I sat down and watched the people around me. The people I call my family. Who will always be my family. And they will always accept me and look out for my absolute happiness. because that is what John would want. And thats what I want.

I want to be happy again.

I want to feel the way I did before April 22.

But it will take some time to get to that point.

But this is a first step.

i have taken the first step. in the right direction. i like where it's going.

i went to John's parents house to pick up my camera. No one was there. I was alone and that always makes me a bit uneasy when i open the door. as if John will be sitting in the living room on the couch or standing in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal.

he wasn't there.

metallica was though. whining and looking for affection. i rubbed his ears and entered the office. there was my camera... and then of course... there is the box. the box. that holds the ashes of my fiance. i walked over slowly to the box. the beautiful wooden box... topped with a neatly folded american flag that waved the opening day of the Waldorf. and next to it a poem written by Annie for Valentines day. I touched the box. I felt the warmth in my eyes. my sight blurring. here come the tears. "hi baby..." and the sobs. i quickly dried up my eyes and waved goodbye to a box. and then i left the house. I took a breath in the car. I turned on my radio.

my tears stopped faster.

and then i got a text message.... at a perfect time...

a simple word.

with a meaning....

"quack."

:)

white/black christmas

It's 10:50pm. I guess I can go ahead and safely say I survived my first Christmas without John. I never would have thought this in April... or May or even in November.

I have been reading a wonderful book lately which I recommend to all young widows: I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can. The book has many relevant chapters and a lot of useful information. It's a book especially made for YOUNG widows... which I find EXTREMELY important. There have been so many books I have read that generalize all the grief into one category. But grief comes in many shapes and sizes. And I believe young widows fall into their own special category. Because we are different. Our lives had just begun with our loved one. We still had many things to accomplish with them. Some of us were looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, to a wedding at all, to having babies, etc. Anyway, in this book they have a chapter called Holidays. It gives an insight to many things... how to make it more bearable, how to start new traditions, etc. One thing it mentions is something I have been aware of already... but never experienced to quite the level I did until this holiday. It's called Anticipation.

For a widow... or anyone experiencing a loss... the anticipation of an event.

And it's VERY true. I have freaked out more the days before an event than on the day of. And I think Christmas was one of my worst. Although most wouldn't be able to tell. It's haunted me. Yesterday was Christmas Eve. The worst day in a long time. It wasn't just the missing John part... but the heightened DEPRESSION. I felt horrible and sad... and just plain miserable. Everywhere around me people were jolly and in the spirit of Christmas. I tried to find someone that stood out. Someone that was miserable like me. Not happening. Apparently no one else in this town lost the love of their life this year too? Seriously? Can someone please just sit and cry with me..?

We went to Christmas Eve service. The one like I used to go to EVERY year with John and his dad. It was a candlelight service. Just like the one we used to go to. As the carols began everyone started to sing. I didn't. Then everyone stood. I didn't. I couldn't understand how everyone was standing... how they could sing out when John wasn't there. How can I be living in this pain alone? Why was everyone so happy? Why was I out and about anyway? How could I possibly think this was a good idea? But, I was out. I was with my family. I am alive. So, I forced myself to stand. I sang a couple carols... the last one being "Silent Night." I cried because this was the last carol we would sing at John's church. The same church where hundreds gathered for his memorial service. The same one where we would hold hands in the dark and hold our dripping candles while I sang in harmony to Silent Night. Well, while I sang the harmony.

When I left the service I found Karen (my sister in law) and I hugged her and cried and cried. I cried loud. I didn't care who heard. After all... I was in a church. If there is anywhere where this was accepted it was at a church. Yet, I couldn't help but feel maybe I was putting a kink in someone's holly jolly.

To be honest I was a huge grump yesterday. I was a typical scrooge. I was short tempered, moody, and lazy. I mainly slept in a bed most of the day. I tried to imagine what Christmas would be like without John. And I sat and thought about my past Christmases with John. I did all I could to not get upset about the Christmases I COULD have had with John. But, no joy. They come in waves. The what ifs. The might have beens. Oh my God, why?

Christmas came today. No one could stop it. Not even me and all my tears.

The holiday I used to anticipate with great joy... now anticipated with great fear!

But of course it wasn't as bad as yesterday. It went by smoother than i thought. It still sucked. It still brought pain... but I have to be grateful that I had my family to keep my thoughts away from the darkness. I still received gifts. I still gave away gifts. Something I told myself I wouldn't do.

And then a sort of miracle of a thing happened.

Something I had wanted to happen...

it snowed.

It hasn't snowed on Christmas in Raleigh, NC since 1947. The first white Christmas in over 60 years.

And it did.

For me.

Well, I believe.

And as much as it disheartens me to know that John wasn't here to experience it with me... I find comfort in that ... maybe he had something to do with it?

And then there's a part of me... that once again realizes... I'm not alone.

I made sure to contact all my friends today that have lost someone. That can make me realize that I am not alone. That we all survived this day together. That we are stronger than we think. Not because we want to be. Because we have to be. Because we choose to live and give it all we got. We have all made a decision that we don't want to give up on the life we were given. We all have chosen to honor our loved ones by living the life they would want us to live. Because their number one goal was for us to be happy.

My heart is saddened by the holiday. But I know how pleased John would be of me to have made it through. He loved my nieces. He loved my family. He would want me to enjoy my time with them. I know he would. But I think he would understand that my heart aches for him. It's hard to imagine never having another Christmas with him.

No more giving him useless gifts he would use once and never touch again or never at all.

No more Bulgari cologne to buy.

No more watching John staple the cord on the Christmas lights and ruining them all.

No more watching John hold his nephews up so they can reach the top of the tree to hang their ornaments.

I don't think I am ready to accept it.

I know I should.

It's called denial.

Yep, I guess I am still there.

"Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission"

Honorary Seay

I have made my way back to my second home: North Carolina.

I am in a familiar place with familiar, loving faces. My brother, my sister-in-law and my 3 nieces. I also met up with my dad and puppy here. That's right... my dad took Lily up on his own and now has declared I will no be getting her back. ha.

I usually make my way up here for he holidays. Last year the family actually came to me for Christmas. But, even when I would fly up here (with John) we always left in time to have Christmas Eve and Christmas with John's family. It will be weird... not going to their house for Christmas. I will not be in Florida until Dec. 28... the day after my birthday. I will not be attending the Christmas Eve dinner with the Seays or attending the Christmas Eve service with John's dad at his church. Where we sing Silent Night holding candles in the dark and everyone doesn't know the second and third verses. And John rolls his eyes as I sing in harmony. :) I will not be waking up in the Seay house this year and watching the boys unwrap their gifts.... or doing my gift exchange with my secret Santa. It's all changing. Although I am with my family here... I am still leaving behind my family there. It really makes me feel torn. I always felt that way at Christmas anyway. But, I just wanted to make John happy. I wanted to experience a big family Christmas. And it makes me so sad to know that I lost part of that.

But... I have something to be thankful for. Something I feel many widows don't have to be thankful for. I am still VERY close with John's family. I have met many who have lost their spouse/boyfriend/fiance and have found that the relationship with the family of their loved one have dramatically deminished if not completely fallen apart. Death can turn people against one another. People want to point blame. They want to ignore what happened. They want to disconnect from the reminder of their loss. And often times that means disconnecting from the person that was closest to them. Their wife. Their fiance. Theiur girlfriend. It's a tragic story. But one I am thankfully not having to experience. I think the bond that I created with John's family before his death has reflected a lot in the relationship I have with him after his death. I mean., this was like my second family. I lived with them. I took family vacations with them. When they did something as a family... I was right there with them... holding on to John's arm. A big part of why our relationship has stayed so strong is because the type of people John's family is. They are some of the most loving, thoughtful, sacrificing people you will meet on this planet. Especially Jim Seay.

When I went over for Jim's birthday the other day I was immediately greeted with a hug as I entered the house. Then Jim asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him to pick up the boys. In the car Jim started to burst into tears and let me know he was having a hard day. He said all he wanted for his birthday was John. I lost it two. And there we were. A familiar picture. Jim and Autumn crying together. We are comfortable doing this. We aren't ashamed. We know that it's ok to cry... and then we quickly try to compose ourselves. We picked up the boys and then went back to the house for birthday festivities. Whenever we have our family gatherings now there is just something missing. Obviously John. It's so obvious. It's on everyone's mind. And it drives me crazy that it isn't mentioned. I just want to scream it out sometimes "anyone else notice who's missing????" I always feel like John needs to be recognized. That he's being left out and forgotten. He should be there celebrating with us.

During gift opening I had a mild breakdown. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes. What set me off? A gift Sarah had made for Jim... DVD's that were a compilation of all their VHS tapes of home videos. Many were of the kids... younger versions of John, Annie, Billy and Henry. Although I did not know this younger version of John Seay... it reminded me of how he was gone. And what remained were things such as these. Video tapes. Proving his existence. John used to always talk about these video tapes and we were always supposed to watch them together and laugh. I cannot imagine the strength it will take for any of his family members to watch these now. For it is something I would not be able to do yet.

When it was time for me to leave Jim walked me outside to the car and hugged me. We sobbed some more and I told him how thankful I was and how lucky I was to have them still in my life. I explained not everyone had that. Jim then told me something that was very insightful. He told me that when he got to Heaven and stood face to face with his son that he would want him to be proud of the way he took care of me and treated me. Jim feels like taking care of me is something that John would want him to do. And I know that John would want me to take care of his family too. And it makes sense. John would never want us to lose the bond it took so many years to create. They are my family. They will always be my family. John is our link and he will remain a strong link throughout my lifetime. Thank God for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without his family. I would surely be lost and I would WAY behind in this journey and process. I know I would be a complete mess without their support and love. How could anyone else be so heartless? How could others turn their backs on those who were loved by their sons? It just doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they want to honor their sons by continuing that love that their child had displayed for another? Wouldn't they see the example that was set before them? How selfish and cold can someone possibly be to cut off this person from their lives? It really sickens me.

I have started reading a book titled "Im grieving as Fast as I can." FINALLY! A book for YOUNG widows! So far everything I have read I can relate to. If you are a young widow I am telling you right now... GET THIS BOOK. You can get it for really cheap on half.com. I think I got mine for 1.50. No kidding. I even bought one for my friend Andi. I am going to post some things from the book later and bring up some interesting points from it. Some things I feel need to be shared.

Update on John's Quilt: I have reached $1000 towards John's quilts!!! I am a few hundred away from covering costs so for that I am very pleased. Thank you to all that have helped me. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I do my best to try and return the favors. Once the quilts are in I will show a list of all donors. It's amazing how many people have helped out. I will forever be grateful. You all are my rock.

Update on mole removal: I removed stitches on my own. I'm sso brave. It was no big deal. And they were ready to go. It's healing nice... still some bruising and swelling. But, it's not as noticeable. For only being 4 days I am impressed so far. I will post a before and after pic soon :)

Update on tattoo: Was supposed to get it yesterday but Andi couldn't go with me. I will get it after the winter break.

Update on birthday: Please join me on Dec. 29th at Columbia restaurant in Celebration at 6:30pm for my birthday dinner.

Only a few more days of surviving the holidays. Then surviving my birthday. Then surviving new years... and ringing OUT 2010.

Really, let's just get this over with.

Quilt Update

So, I went to the UPS store today to ship off a bunch of John's clothes to be made into their individual quilts. I was so rushed in the process that I didn't have time to think about it. Then, once they were all in their individual boxes and secured with clear tape and address labels it hit me. I will never see these items in their original form again. And I will never see them on John's wonderful body that I loved so much.
I broke down in tears in front of the UPS guys.
They didn't really know what to say or do.
But that's ok.
It's the kind of reaction I have come to know.... and I handle it quite well. I turned around and left. I dropped off my precious valuables and put them in the hands of someone else. When I get them back they will be a memory. They will be shared with his family. They will no longer be hidden in closets, baskets or boxes. They will be a piece of comfort.

So far I have raised $550 for the quilts! Another $500 should cover the cost. Thank you once again to everyone who has donated. I have been sending out my thank you cards... so expect one if you sent in money. After the quilts come in I will post pictures and the names of everyone who donated. If you haven't donated PLEASE consider it. I have made a deposit of $500 to the company so far but they will need the other half before they can deliver the quilts in time for Christmas. I feel fortunate that I have receieved half the funds. I truly have people who care and love me. And it doesn't take a check or cash to prove so. I knew this all along. Thank you.






ilymtli.