Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

New York

Believe it or not... my flights to New York were successful and practically ZERO anxiety!!!! Praise God! I owe it a big part to my medication I am taking now. I think the anxiety medication was a key part of what I needed to start healing.

Now it doesn't mean I don't have times when I don't get anxious or feel panic. It just minimizes it. Which is good. Because I don't EVER want to have what I had the other day happen again.

When I arrived in New York my sister picked me up.

We went straight from the airport to the long island railroad straigh

t to NYC to see Billy, Liz, Jim and Sarah.

It was nice to be greeted by Jim as soon as I got there. I have been gone away from him for a week and I feel like it's been ages. After all, he's like a father to me. And I live with him. He's my family.

Although I was in the city for about 24 hours.... it was a great escape.

We went out for drinks when I first got there and it was a GREAT surprise that Billy Fornaci and his girlfriend joined us! Her name is Katie and she is absolutely wonderful! I feel like I could have talked to her for hours and hours and never get bored. And she has beautiful looks on the outside to match her sweet soul inside. She would have met John at the wedding. He would have loved her too. She told me how Billy had wrote her a sweet note when he came back from the funeral here. How he told her that their relationship reminded him a lot of me and John's. How we are carefree and fun and always have a good time with each other no matter what. I felt that way too. When I see those two I see a reflection of both John and me. And it doesn't make me sad or jealous. It makes me pleased that there is love in exis

tence out there like that still. That others can carry on what John and I had so special.

The first night we went to a wonderful restaurant for dinner called Cuba de Asia. It was AMAZING. The food was fabulous and the company was even better. Having my sister there with John's family meant the world to me. This was the way it was supposed to be. Two families becoming one. I w

as excited for our families to become one. Raheann was excited to have John as a brother. I was excited to have Billy and Liz as my brother and sister. Then we went to see a musical... American Idiot. Not my musical cup of tea. I am more into uplifting stuff with cute melodies and glittery sets and costumes. But, it WAS broadway. My FIRST broadway show. And I appreciate it. And Jim Seay is just so sweet.

Liz had an encounter (awkwardly) with Colin Hanks. It was pretty funny.

And we also saw Helen Miren. I guess we were with the "it" crowd that night. Saturday night on Broadway. oh yea!

The next morning we had breakfast at a beautiful place called Park Avenue Summer. It's a really unique restaurant because every season they change their name... Park Avenue Autumn, Park Avenue Winter... etc.

They change the menu and even the whole decor of the restaurant. Truly clever.

Did I mention I was having dinner with the AMBASSADOR OF SLAVANIA!?

Apparently they are friends of Jim. I mean, who isn't? He's only the sweetest man in the world. You would be lucky to have him as a friend... or a father.

When people made introductions I got nervous when they got to me... Sarah introduced me as Autumn and then said "well... she was almost family."

I was completely depleated.

This is one of those moments. That you can't control.

I looked at Liz. She got the idea and we headed for the restroom.

I let go and cried and told Liz my feelings.

Sarah didn't mean to hurt my feelings but EVERYTHING hurts.

One of the biggest fears I have daily is losing the Seays. Losing my connection to them and the bond that we have made.

We all have come such a long way.

When I first entered the family no one knew what to think about me. "Who's this girl that's changing John? Who's this girl that's taking John away from us?"

There has been so much growth since those first few months... because we all knew we were going to be family. And eventually we figured out we all weren't too different from each other anyway.

I don't want to lose them. Even though I will never have a chance to carry their last name. I want to be part of the family forever.

Liz assured me this wasn't the case. That I won't lose them and it should be the last of my worries.

Liz has a very kind soul.

She would have been the perfect sister-in-law. It sucks they live so far away and it sucks I didn't spend more time with her and Billy when they lived right down the road from us. John and I talked about that a lot. How we wanted to hang out more. But I guess effort wasn't always put forth on both sides.

Those are just things I have to push out of my mind. Because I cant rewind life and I can't make up for lost time. Because I don't have John with me to do it.

I am glad John and I took a trip up to NY to see everyone in late March. I'm glad that we had those moments then... and that those memories will be there forever.

After the breakfast we went to a festival on 3rd Ave.

We bought cheap knock off sunglasses, ate fattening food, and laughed.

and cried.

Sometimes I speak with Jim and that's our time to share our inner thoughts. The kind of thoughts I usually save for this blog. And we cry. In public. On 3rd avenue... with hundreds of people around us in the middle of New York City. But it's ok to cry. Because that's how we grieve. And that's how much we loved.

Leaving NYC was hard. I felt as if I didn't spend enough time with Billy and Liz. I could have stayed a lot longer. And part of me... although I never thought this would happen.... has fallen in love with the city.

Before I left Jim took me and Raheann to the train station to say goodbye. As we entered the station there were street drummers. We both started crying. Anything with drumming and we lose it. He leaned over and told me one of his friends had named a star after John. And it says "the beat goes on..."

If anything the beat goes on forever in the rhythm of my heart. That's where I hold him closest now.

On the train ride back to Long Island a woman asked to sit in front of me.

I said fine (although dissapointed because I wanted to put my feet up...)

It turned out to be Isabella Rossalini.

I tried to talk to her casually (like I would do if ANYONE was sitting right next to me on a train). She turned out to be quite unpleasant.

She is no Jim Seay or Sarah Seay or Liz or Billy Seay.

She is definitely not a Raheann Rudolphi and Billy Fornaci.

She's nothing close to a John Seay.

And I feel bad that she will never get to meet these amazing people that I get to share my life with.

rock band

Family does it's part when it comes to taking your mind off things.

Spending time with Kalee, Brielle, Kaya, Karen and Bobby ... and their two wonderful dogs, Zion and Xander have been a true blessing to me this past week.

I am a far cry from where I was a week ago.

I feel like being with my family brings healing.

I keep entertained for the most part. Although Karen feels guilty we don't do enough to get my mind off things... Im fine really. The quiet time is fine. Like right now. I am typing on this blog while Kalee sends out a million texts in the kitchen and Brielle reads quietly on the floor next to Zion... the almost 11 year old Great Dane.

Brielle sort of hums while she reads. It's cute really. Something I don't think she is aware of. I keep looking over to see if maybe she is laughing. No. Just a little hum.

She pets Zion as she reads. It's comforting to them both... especially for a dog who is nearing the end of his doggy life.

This whole week I have been playing rock band with the girls. Even someone grieving is allowed to have fun.

One of the things John brought up frequently was "I feel so lucky to have a girlfriend/fiance that loves video games just as much as I do." It's true.

Although we always didn't like the same genres... we both could play for hours.

Rock Band was given to John on one of our anniversaries... 3rd? I hid it in our closet. He was so excited. (and secretly I was too.)

I remember inviting our friends over to play with us... Jeff and Mike and Tim. We created a band name called Gunslinger Applebottom. It was a combination of our two "code names" John and I created. Or... gamer tags. LOL Dorks, right???

We played it for hours and hours.

Eventually it became old news and we would break it out here and there... but playing it here with the girls reminded me of those times.

John's biggest goal was to play Tom Sawyer on difficult. One he mastered it he would go to Best Buy and head straight for the Rock Band display. He would play that song. on difficult. and impress anyone that happened to be around or noticed. I rolled my eyes. Boys.

Before we had rock band we would go to wal mart at about 12 am when no one was around and play it. We thought it was the most genius game ever. Although he gives you NO guitar skills at all. It actually is helpful rhythm wise on the drums and pitch wise for the vocals. So, why not?

Now I have created a new band with the girls. It's called marshmallow bells. don't ask.

I have a good time playing with them and feel proud to take over the drum position on medium. John would be proud of my mad skills.

He would also correct me too. lol

Tomorrow I depart on my next family adventure. I am going to NY for a week to spend time with my sister, Raheann as well as visit John's brother Billy and his wife Liz.

Pray for me because I am NOT a good airplane person. John was usually the best with helping me out with that. He would give me headphones and turn it on "Recycled Air" by The Postal Service. He always was wearing a hoodie so could easily hide his headphones. He thought he was so clever. :)

Then he would fall asleep and I would be wide awake and cringing at every bump and shake in the air. He would squeeze my hand and it would be ok.

The weirdest part is this.

In my mind I thought... if I was going to die in a plane crash... at least I would die with John. I know it's morbid but everyone has those thoughts. Of not dying alone.

And maybe that is part of the reason I hate flying by myself. Because if the plane were to crash I would be alone and have no one I love to hold on to.

This can't be uncommon to think about, right?

So... pray for my safety tomorrow. I have to take TWO planes. Which is even worse. Pray for my peace and understanding as I am still in complete confusion on what direction my life is taking right now.

I'll be back in NC in a week. Then we will see what goes on from there.

<3