My real feelings about Halloween

I haven't always been so open with my feelings about Halloween... mainly because everyone is so damn obsessed with it.
I mean it's a BIG freaking deal for some of my friends.
So I just kind of go with the flow.
I decorate the house is various fall colors... wreaths with bright oranges, yellows and browns. Dark reds and scents of cinnamon.
I have some sparkly bats hanging in the living room.

But that's about it.

No grave stones.
No blood.
No skeletons.

Halloween has gotten weird for me since 2010.
When working at Universal since 2007 I have gone to the Halloween Horror Night premieres every year. It's not as crowded, there are $2.00 beers, and you get to see the raw version of Bill and Ted.
But when I went in 2011 with Ryan and some friends it was just really hard.
I had a hard time going through some of the houses and had a panic attack just getting close to one of them.
I can handle vampires and werewolves and fantasy creatures.
But when it comes to dead people... I just can't handle it.

I definitely still suffer some PTSD when it comes to this. I even avoid certain movies because they can literally trigger a panic attack.
Finding John in April 2010 has left this permanent mark inside my brain and heart.
When I see pale, lifeless figures... even though I know they have make up on... I see John.
I do not like scenes with coffins or tombstones.
I don't know why tombstones bother me so much because John never even had one. I guess it just reminds me of death in general and how real it is.
And while many can laugh and have a grand ole' time during this holiday and wear costumes depicting death... I cannot.
I know I sound prudent.
And I know that it's just a "holiday." But for me there's something too real about death and mortality.
I just don't mind moving on from here... on to the happier holidays.

And please don't get me wrong.
I enjoy the yearly Halloween movies like anyone else. Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, etc.
I can even ride Haunted Mansion sometimes at Disney.
In fact, I would MUCH rather go to Disney's Not So Scary party than to HHN now.
If I ever go to HHN the only thing I really do is the Bill and Ted show and houses that don't involve dead bodies. ( which is basically none of them)
But that's about it.

I just thought I would let it out.

That I am broken.

And I guess that it will be this way for awhile.



And I really like Christmas much better.

April still sucks

It's May 2nd.
I missed my annual "I hate you April" blog post.

To be honest my health issues have gotten in the way... and therefore I am constantly tired... and therefore even blogging can take a lot out of me.
On a positive note though I am having better days now health wise. I am not having CONSTANT dizziness and I am starting to feel normal again.

But April was hard again.

April was harder.

April sucks.

Fuck April.


Of course on April 22nd, 2013 it was the three year anniversary of losing my John.
Each year I fear more and more people will forget about him. I fear less people will remember. It worries me.
I don't want John to be forgotten.
I took the day off as I usually do... and I spent it with Ryan.
It wasn't what I had imagined in my mind... sitting down next to a lake and releasing doves in the air. Half the day was doctor's appointments.

I survived another milestone.
I have come so far.
I honestly think that John would be proud. I honestly think this is where he would want me to be...  for the most part.


Two days after April 22nd I got a phone call from John's sister, Annie.
She asked if I had spoken to anyone and asked if Ryan was around.
That always means bad news.
I sat on the couch.... my heart already racing... the room starting to spin.
I get into major panic attack mode anytime gets this serious.
And my gut was correct.
John's sister-in-law, Liz, has a step dad named Alan. Every year he cooks the most AMAZING Thanksgiving dinner for us at the Seays.
And Annie had called to tell me he had passed away.

The day after his 50th birthday.
2 days after John's death day.

It was terribly sad and overwhelming.
All I could think about was his wife, Deb. (who I have known for about 7 years now..)
Deb and Alan are my family.
I do not know any better.
These people are my life.

But your mind completely changes when you lose someone you love.
You think about the person who was left behind.
And all I could think about was how Deb was dealing with it all.
Her first night sleeping alone... was she eating?? Could she even brush her teeth? Did she go through his closet to pick out his last outfit? What kind of hard decisions was she having to make about arrangements and saying goodbye?

It was really hard to go see her.
But I really wanted to.

I couldn't believe I entered the house without crying.
And I can't believe I was so strong when Liz (John's sister in law) held me sobbing on my shoulder.
I felt for once I was the comforter.

But then i saw Deb.
And my knees almost buckled.
That "strong" Autumn melted away and I lost it.
And the first thing she said (after some tears) was this:

"Fuck April. We are getting shirts that say Fuck April."

And then we laughed.
And then we cried.



Seriously.


fuck. april.

it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

Free falling.

If you didn't realize yet... April is over.
And that obviously means I survived it.

I survived April 22 for the second year in a row.


Thank goodness it was a Sunday so I didn't have to worry about taking off work.
My dad came over.
We took Lily to the dog park.
I made dinner.
It was a really relaxing day.


And on that day I decided to also clean out our DVD library.
I am transferring all the DVDs to a simple DVD holder. No more cases and ugly shelves from Ikea... half broken and tilted in various directions.
And I came across this little gem I haven't seen in years!!!!
It's John skydiving DVD!
Watching the DVD brought life back to John. Hearing him speak. Watching him laugh. Seeing even just his facial expressions... made him feel close again. The man I once knew. Talking, smiling, and laughing.

I decided to share it with everyone else too.
So, here it is:

John Skydiving :)


<3

Something old, something new.

I'm sitting at our kitchen table.
Well, John's kitchen table. Well, me and John's kitchen table.
I am holding a pair of cards and playing poker.
I fold. My hand sucked. But I am laughing.... because I am honestly having a great time.
And all around me are familiar faces.
And bottles of beer.
And lots of smiles and laughs.

something old. something new.

The table is old.
It started out as John's college roommate's table.
It was used mainly for beer pong.
Eventually John bought it for about $30 and it's been with us ever since.
It's sturdy.
We call it the "Knights of the Square table." Because it's heavy and durable and OLD.
But it has character.
And I can't manage to let it go just yet.

The faces are old and new.
The faces of John's friends mixed with the faces of Ryan's
Mixed with the faces of mine.

We are doing the "impossible" in widow world.
We have combined our worlds.
We are having a poker night with people we love from various stages of our lives. Percussionists that worked with or under John.
Musicians that marched corps with Ryan.
Co-workers from my job. Consequently the co-worker is also the guy that took over my position at Walker when I left after John's death.
And here we all are.
In our house.
In ME AND RYAN'S house.
Playing cards on ME AND JOHN'S TABLE.
These are OUR friends now.
United by John in the end.
We can laugh and tell jokes and have a good time and I think secretly everyone imagines what it would be like if John were there.
His absence is noted.
Not outloud ... but privately and silently in our minds and thoughts.
we all wish he was still here.

And there's something about going over for Easter to the Seays house ....
the house doesn't look different downstairs. all the pictures are still hanging. me and John. John's baby photos. Everyone's prom pictures.
and it's comforting to me.
i also get knots in my stomach just before opening their door because i am afraid one day it will all be torn down and they won't care anymore.
but it's not.
even in his dad's office there are pictures of me everywhere.
i am still loved....

something old.


and bringing Ryan over is always such an experience.
we get to do all the things that i would have been doing with John.

except it's ryan.

something new...

The boys love Ryan.
they hug his legs and say they love him.
it warms my heart.
and brings a peace to me because it's an acceptance. that even the small minds of John's nephews have accepted Ryan has something permanent. and they like him.
and i like that.


Mixing my old life with John and my new one with Ryan sometimes shocks me with how well it blends. It almost flows so well that I feel like something is WRONG with me. Like there should be a problem. I even ask Ryan sometimes "are you ever angry/hurt/mad/jealous with my feelings for John." And he isn't.
Of course.
And then I am like... well, is this really how it's supposed to be?
Can my two lives really mesh together this well and everyone be ok?

I mean, there have been a few along the way that haven't transitioned so well. And I may have lost some.
But maybe those were some worth losing at the time.
maybe I will gain them back.


But for now I think the people I have in my life... old and new... are amazing.
And I am very blessed to have them in my journey.
The old to remind me of my wonderful past and share my memories ...
and the new to create amazing new memories with.


My new.
My "us"

Go away, April.

Are we seriously back in April???

Well that's completely shitty.

And it's the third day of April?

fuck.


I need to find John's cake recipe... in a cook book I threw together in college. It was a great experimentation time for cooking. And I hit a gold mine when I found John's cake recipe.

Ok, I will share.
But it's a secret recipe.
So, let's keep it between us?

http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=183&name=...day-Cake


In two days it will be John's birthday.
His earth birthday.
The day Sarah Seay brought John Seay to Earth.
Can I ever repay that woman? Or thank her enough? Or clean her gift wrapping closet enough?
To somewhat truly thank her for the best gift of all?
A gift in the beginning which wasn't meant for me... initially. But I got to have in the end.


March was good to me.
Mainly because the end of it was spent away from my J-O-B.
I hate that I have started to think of teaching as a J-O-B.
Isn't being a band director supposed to be fun? I think that's what others see when they hear that's what I do. Banging pots and pans all day and holding hands singing songs.
Playing TV theme songs and movie soundtracks.
Playing instruments for fun.

If only people knew what hard work it really was.

But I teach an elective.
How hard can it be?

So it was a relief to go to Spring Break.
It was a relief to leave behind FL for a little bit and go somewhere else.
We went to Las Vegas to see my sister and let Ryan experience a new place.
We conquered the strip, gambled and won, marveled at the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.
We did it all.
And then we came home.
And then it was back to the grind.

And back to my car....

WHICH SOMEONE BROKE INTO.

Seriously?!
And here's the weird part.
They stole CDs.... (What? WHO does that???) and my phone charger.
Ok, that's replaceable.
My then there was my yellow nano ipod.
Not just any yellow nano ipod.
But one that John gave me for Christmas. He had it engraved and it said "I love you with all my heart."
When I noticed it missing my heart sunk. And I try and remind myself "it's just a thing, Autumn...."  But it's not..... I lost something special....
Well, it was TAKEN from me. (which pisses me off beyond belief and makes me feel completely violated.)

I lost something from John again.


I had just lost my sunglasses from our 3 year anniversary a few months ago and now this ipod.
When I lose something from John I feel like I am losing part of HIM again and again. Like eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
And my memories suck.
still.

Sometimes I will look at my students blankly trying to remember who they are. Because I have forgotten. I have forgotten their name. And it's April.
I am still waiting for my memory to recover. At least up to April 21, 2010. Erasing April 22 would be just fine and the many months to follow... at least until Feb 13, 2011 when I met Ryan.


So March ends and April begins.
A shitty month of nothing but reminders.
John's birthday.
John's deathday.

But as it turns into year two the world forgets about your grief and sorrow. The world has moved on. Frankly, it moved on the next day.
The world.
Not everyone.
Some people moved on quickly.
And some think I may have... because I am dating.
But that's not the case.
There is always such a fine balancing act between my love and affection for Ryan and my constant devotion and love for John.
It's hard to start a relationship when you are grieving. But it has to start eventually.
And you have to learn to grieve a little less often.
But in April I am allowed to grieve.
But my new school might not understand. Because they weren't there.
They may know about it.... but in their mind two years ago was a long time. In my mind I am like "how dare you schedule my formal evaluation conference on John's birthday. Don't you know I need a break that day?"
Of course not.
Because
1) They are heartless. They really couldn't care less
2) They haven't cared about me any other time so why would this day be any different???

Oh, do I sound bitter?
Maybe it's because more and more each day I find out that I work around a really sour bunch of people.
I put on my happy face EVERY DAY for these people and I will seriously get the cold shoulder if I ask any type of favor. I say hello and good morning and make an effort to greet everyone in a kind manner. And yet there are only about 4 people in the whole school who can tell me apart from the chorus teacher.



And I am so focused on all of this....
And I am trying to remember my fiance....
And I am trying to build my future.....

That I think I may just combust.



I HATE APRIL.
SO FUCKING MUCH.

Where are you, Christmas?

It's been hard to update my blog this month.

After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students. 

Then... it's been full speed ever since. 

I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.

It's been good things mostly.

Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc. 

Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.

Our first Christmas together.

How is this Christmas?

How is my second Christmas without John?

How is my first Christmas with Ryan?

What new things have I encountered? 

Were there any surprises?

What's life like during the holidays?

1) The holidays have lost their magic.

I blame this partially on FLORIDA. 

Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*

And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.

I don't know if it's because i am a widow.

or if I still have lingering grief.

or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....

I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.

i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.

and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.

2) i still miss John.

OF COURSE.

I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...

but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan.... 

I am just missing John.

So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.

basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.

I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.

He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me. 

He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....

I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.

I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.

He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.

I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.

It was fucking awful.

So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot. 

I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)

3) I made the seay poem.

This is weird but I was anxious about it. 

Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.

What if this is the year i am not in it?

I was in it.

One paragraph....

even ryan made the poem...

which touched my heart.

It's weird. Isn't it???

To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?

yeah, i know.

but somehow it just works out.

and we have learned how to make it less weird.

we are ... the exception.

4) My families are expanding.

I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.

then it's my birthday.

holy family.

this part makes me smile.

i love that i have so many to love.

i just wish i still had john too.

then it would be pretty much perfect.

two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.

5) My birthday is on Tuesday.

I will be 28.

I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.

i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.

in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.

like that's all i have to offer??

I don't want my job to make me who i am.

but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used. 

I want to be known for so much for than that.

I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.

But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things. 

and paying off my loans.

being debt free would be a bonus.

... So the question now may be....

How will my 2012 go?

Where will my journey take me?

I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...

but widowhood knocks you down.

it throws you on your back.

the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.

it kicks dirt in your face. 

on your "plans" 

on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.

and so I am going to go ahead and just say... 

i'll take it one day at a time.

and that's good enough, my friends. 

hitting milestones

today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.

it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.

before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.

we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.


On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...

I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...

After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.

and a place i enjoy with ryan now.

i love st. augustine. 

i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :) 

One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.

I looked at Ryan and started to cry.

"You are one day older than John..."

He looked back at me and said "I know."

We had both been secretly thinking about that.

About Ryan outliving John.

And making it past day 17.

And he did.

I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.

It's hard. It's weird.

But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.

bah-humbug!!!!

the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.

those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.

and now it feels lost.

My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.

I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.

minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?

We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.

And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.

This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????

I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.


I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).

Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.

And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.

the last text.

Yesterday morning I had a weird experience.
It was a bit sad.
it was a bit of an eye opener.

yesterday i sent a text to john's number.
his cell phone.
it's still labeled in my phone "John (ilymtli)"
I can't erase it.
i can't delete his name.
i don't feel right about doing it.

but i guess...
i have to.

because what once was john's number is no longer that.

because i happened to send a text.
it has been a few months since i have.
and it was simple.. to the point.
that i loved him and was thinking about him and he had not been forgotten.

and then while i was in the bathroom and gazing in the mirror while brushing my teeth... preparing for the day...
i hear a sound.
a text sound.
i got a text.
i assumed ryan.
it was not.

it said John.
I have not had a text from John's number since April 21, 2010. the day before he died.
his last texts were "i love you and i will be thinking of you"

this one was different.
and also to the point.


"wrong number"



Oh, this poor soul.
surely they are MISTAKEN.
There is nothing wrong at all about this number.
you have taken MY fiance's number.
this belongs to him.
who the hell are YOU???
Out of all the phone numbers out there why did you have to pick this one????
WHY?!

I am taken a-back.
i wait it out several minutes.
i don't respond at first.
i call Ryan immediately and explain the situation.
he's sympathetic.
he feels sorry for me. it's not exactly what i wanted at the moment. i wanted him to be more like "holy shit that's weird."
but he's super sweet and is concerned for my hurt feelings.
i text annie. surely she will respond.
nothing.

so I begin to text this stranger with John's number.
i explain how it was not a mistake. that i text often and that my fiance had this number and passed away.
they apologize and say they feel bad. they even add a sad face.
ok, so i guess they are sincere.
i go on more.
this is the last thing a normal person going about their day wants to hear about i am sure.
a girl saying "oh p.s. you have my dead fiance's number and i send creepy messages even though he doesn't get them and now you do. have a nice day."
i apologize to bothering them.
but i also ask for their name.
her name is cindi.
the next text says "God Bless You."

and that is that.
i leave it at that.
there is nothing else to say.
this woman doesn't care anymore about my story.
she has basically dismissed me with a god bless you.
and i knew that i was a burden.


and i guess that's the last text i will be sending john.
and cindi.

the dresses.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for a wedding, I had set aside a dress I knew I would be wearing that evening...
but, just for fun, I tried on a couple older dresses...
and it was a bit of a wake up call.

Since John passed I have gained about 20 pounds. Although none of my friends will admit I look bigger ... it's clearly evident when I can't zip up any dresses I was able to wear over a year ago. In fact, Ryan broke one of the zippers when trying to zip me up. I ended up wearing a dress where I felt completely uncomfortable all night and I felt like my boobs were spilling out of the top constantly. It's uncomfortable being fat.
Besides the fat thing the dresses in my closet had a second fault. They taunted me. And one in particular haunted me.
they were all reminders of past events.
Most of celebration.
and one not so much.
These dresses had been with me in moments shared with John. They each had a story to them... and yet, part of me realized... it was time to refresh the wardrobe.
I guess it was part anger.
Part depression.
Part willpower.
Part courage.

It was something... something that made me put the dresses in the back seat of my car and drive to a local consignment shop. I handed over the dresses and the lady looked at each one thoughtfully. each time she had nothing but nice comments to say "oh, this one is nice..." "oh i like this.. " "you have nice taste."
And then it started.
The hot feeling in the face.
The rush of wet.
My eyes flooding.
I was crying over these pieces of material.

The first was a black dress from express. size 8. ha!!!!!!!
**CRIES**
It was a "little black dress."
My most memorable moment in this dress was probably for Holly's birthday. I remember we were in city walk and holly had gotten a lot of gifts. It was then that John, being the gentleman he always was, took ALL of her gifts and brought them back to the car for her... which was quite a hike to the parking garage. I remember there was a vase of flowers he had to carry and he looked so cute holding them with the balloons. You could tell he was doing it to be polite but in a way he may have had regret once he had the vase of flowers in his hand...

Next dress...

I wore this dress to my friend Danielle's wedding. It was BCBG... my favorite designer. Most of my dresses came from that designer. This was the same wedding where i had caught the bouquet and John made a point to catch the garter since last time he had to watch some random guy put it on my leg. He vowed that would never happen again. And it never did. He got to put it on my leg that night... with his teeth... and boy did we milk it. The DJ was nervous we didn't know each other. It was a good memory in a nice springy dress.

Dress #3 also was worn at a few weddings... and was my most favorite dress of all...

It was most famously worn to John's brother's wedding. (seen here in this picture I absolutely ADORE of us).

It was a perfect "autumn" dress... complete with leaves on the bottom.

Beautiful browns... perfect cut... for my then body.

My body now wouldn't be able to squeeze half a boob in it. So, to the consignment it goes. 

I wore that dress to couple other weddings as well... but my favorite of all is Billy and Liz's. Its a wedding that I don't think many others can compare to. Although I swore up and down that mine would have... me and john wanted it to at least match the standard that Billy and Liz had set up. It was the ultimate Seay wedding.

Dress #4 is older.

It's another simple black dress that I had bought for a very special occassion.

It was the dress I wore to my college graduation. It's a bit of a risque dress now that I think about it.. it had a plunge neckline and showed a great deal of cleavage. I didn't mind at the time because:

1) I was being covered my a huge graduation gown

2) I had a great rack then!

But it's one of those dresses that I had to move on from... both because of not fitting it and not knowing when I would be able to "show off the ladies" like that ever again in my late 20's. ew.

Dress #5... the one that brought me to tears.

In my final photo with John ever taken I am wearing this dress. We were on our way to an event for the Orlando Philharmonic... 

I remember how excited I was to go to this event. How i got to show off my new accessory... MY ENGAGEMENT RING! How we got to be introduced as each other's fiance. I remember so much that night. I remember the excitement of being dressed up and going to a formal event. It was like we truly felt like we fit in for a change. We both felt so mature... the evening felt very right. The wine was endless and the food was fantastic. I remember sneaking in to grab a dessert before everyone and how John laughed about it... and how we almost kept falling into this pond with stones for steps. I remember walking in the back garden and holding hands. I remember this night.... and so does that dress.

The last dress I knew I would never wear again.

I am leaving out the picture although I have posted one before.

It was the dress I wore to John's funeral.

It was picked out for me by my friends. 

The time in my life where people made decisions for me because I honestly couldn't take care of myself nor did I care to.

But i knew this dress would have to be special. Because it was the last thing I would wear "for John." It was black and lacey. And honestly I felt like it was made for a funeral. I can't imagine ever trying to wear it again. It would be almost morbid.

So, I am glad to see it go.

But, so sad that I had to wear it for such an occassion. 

It's hard to imagine i let it sit there in my closet and haunt me. And when I touched it I am touching a moment in time where my life had gone to complete black... as black as the color of this dress itself.

Leaving these dresses at the consignment shop may be something I regret later.

Ok, I regretted it as soon as I drove away.

And it sounds like I am giving up...

like I know I will never be that size again or that I am letting go of memories. 

But, I'm not to both.

I am determined to lose weight and fit into those sizes again. I just think it's fitting in my life to get new dresses for new memories. And I could never let go of these amazing memories... that each dress carried with them. Perhaps the person that buys these dresses will have some amazing memories in them too. I pray no one has to wear one to a funeral. 

I just kind of had this urge.

This feeling inside.

To make some extra room in my closet.

to match the extra room i am making in my heart.

the broken tea pot.

Last night I was sitting on the couch and Ryan was making dinner in the kitchen. I love when he makes dinner. It doesn't happen often and so it's a real treat when I don't have to cook. As much as I love cooking it's nice to let my mind just take a break. It's the planning of meals that gets to me more than it is the cooking of them.

So... I am watching tv, painting my toe nails, checking my email... when I hear some commotion in the kitchen.

Ryan has been in there cleaning for quite a bit...

and then I see him. working frantically and tears in his eyes. 

I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he broke the lid to my teapot.

Most men wouldn't be this upset about a teapot lid. Or expect someone to be upset about the teapot lid.

But Ryan knew about this teapot.

It was an anniversary gift from John. For our 4th year anniversary.

And he had been in the kitchen trying to super glue it back together and finally came to a point where the pieces wouldn't fit... and confessed what happened. 

And he was torn up about it.

It touched my heart.

I felt bad for Ryan... who only means to make me happy in this life. He's sensitive to things that were once mine and John's... or even John's. 

One time he borrowed one of John's hoodies before we went out because he couldn't find one of his. He looked up and spoke outloud "thanks, John."

I was very touched when he did that.

Ryan truly respects the love I have for John. 

The love we had once together.

And the memory of John.

So, he was crushed when he broke the tea pot.

And at first I really didn't seem to beat up about it.

I mean, after losing a person ... a tea pot just isn't really that big of a deal. 

Later that night Ryan kept bringing it up and how sorry he was... and then it began to sink in more.

Slowly, with time... John's things will start to diminish.

Gifts will be broken,

Things will get lost.

Items will be replaced.

I fear eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.

Except for my blotchy memory.

Ya know, that's another shitty thing about grief.

You lost the person you love and your mind is so torn up you start to lose focus of the memories. The one thing you have left of that person and your mind won't even cooperate. You forget the things you said "I will never forget this!" Then one day something will trigger the memory and you will either cry about it in the middle of wherever you are... or, in my case, go home and blog about it so you never forget. 

The point is...  as time goes on... the thing of this world will disappear. so, I am going to do everything I can to keep a hold of what I have left of John... the amazing memories we made together. 

The photos I have of the day when I got my tea pot...

As for now... I still have a good amount of physical objects for memories sake.

Including weird things. Like his bag of dirty clothes I can't seem to wash. And his deodorant. His toothbrush... his cologne.... 

These are things I can't quite separate from right now.

I don't have a shrine or anything.. they are stored in a private place. But, i am not quite at the point yet where I can give them up. 

As for the tea pot... I think it still has a place in my kitchen... with the chipped/superglued lid. 

My John, the romantic.

I sometimes tend to forget what I originally created this blog for.

And that was to also share past memories I had with John.

And the other day I found my LWHS Alumni page. It hadn't been updated in awhile... and still had on the profile that I was dating John and we had been tog

ether for almost 4 years at the point and that we were completely happy.

I erased all the info today.

Yes, it sucks every time I find something online or not that has to be adjusted to erased. It feels like I am literally erasing John's existence. I don't even fill in my current information... because I feel as if I would have to explain things.

"You see... I was with this amazing guy and his name was John. He was taken away from me for no good reason at all by a freak virus no one ever gets. Then life sucked really bad. Then I met another amazing guy and his name is Ryan. are you confused yet?"

I just think the blank is best.

So, on this website are also a select few of my favorite pictures I decided to put up and share with my fellow alumni of LWHS.

And I am going to share one on here....

This is a picture of me and John on a very special night.

A night that many men could learn from. A night when John decided to be spontaneous and romantic.

Are you paying attention, men?

So... I am going to go ahead and let THAT Autumn explain it to you. The Autumn from 6 years ago. The 21 year old. Because I had blogged about that night before... in my old blog from high school/college. So here it is:

Crossmen Camp: (Dec 7-9)... little did I know... this would be my last time in the Crossmen family. My family for almost 3 years and I never even got to say goodbye.... it was a tough camp and things just didn't feel right.. Joe Kemp died in a an accident (one of our vis staff ) and all the perc, staff was fired which really pissed me off. I hated Larry...Pat wasnt coming back and Gus was gone. Rachael also decided it was not in her best interest to march. So... maybe God had a plan... I see a light at the end of the drum corps tunnel. ALso, John was cut from SCV. Hard stuff to deal with.... But then Phantom caLLED him and he made bottom bass so all is well for him. He's living my dream. Good for him. Sooo... it was a long weekend anyway and I got home .. after the most stressful flight of my LIFE!!! We wwere late... our luggage was actually packed into the aisles and BATHROOMS of the plane due to ppl who fucking overpack. I was mainly frustrated cause John, Brandy and I were supposed to go eat at Osaka's... and we surely werent gonna make it. So... I get off the plane and at the end of the terminal is john waiting... with a dozen red roses... he kisses me and hugs me. He then says "brandy is bringing the car around.." so we wait... and up comes a STRETCH ESCALADE LIMO... for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was sooooo shocked. John rented me the limo for all night and since Osaka's was closed... we ate at Whataburger instead. It was so cute and romantic! Inside the limo were about 8 of my friends... all drinking wine/beer and ready with camera flashes. John is so sweet! I love every ounce of him! SURPRISE!!!!!!!!! John was so happy his plan worked... isnt he so cute??? oh he knows he got major points for this one! by the limo! "so yeah, she had no idea!" It was purely amazing.

So now you know... just one of the many amazing things that came from John Seay.

Everyone can learn from him.

I can even learn from him still.

As a couple we were always doing whatever we could to keep things romantic and exciting. Whether we left each other little notes or took each other out on surprise dates. I am not gonna lie... John was pretty good at it! And yes, sometimes he needed a little coaxing from me :) But, even to the very last of his days... with a truly genius proposal... he was a down right ROMANTIC.

DO SOMETHING ROMANTIC TODAY FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

They will remember it forever!

a haiku from john.

and just because I love and miss him so much.

a haiku from my John:

Autumn rocks my world
Everyday is a blessing
When I am with you!

Lucky in Love

Today I posted this picture of Ryan on my facebook:

It's a picture of Ryan making a ring... made out of a straw wrapper... and placing it on my finger. He has done this before... and when he makes them I wear them all day. As silly as it seems it feels good to wear something on this finger again... even if it is made out of paper. Even when I wear John's engagement ring I now wear it on my right hand. Once in awhile I slip it on my left for the feel of it. I miss it's weight. I miss looking at it while I drive. I miss being engaged.

One of my friends commented below the picture that I have "struck gold twice" and that I am "lucky in love." I have never been able to put the word lucky together with my life. The combination never makes so much sense to me. But I tell Ryan all the time how lucky I am that we found each other. But more so than anything I tell him I blessed.

Because I truly believe it's a God thing.

And as weird as it seems... to think me, a girl that has lost it all, is lucky in love... perhaps I am.

John was AMAZING.

We had a relationship people could envy.

We figured it out.

We were IT. we were the people you wanted to be like.

When he died I was sure that NO ONE would ever even come close to filling those shoes. I would never love like I loved John.

In fact, I didn't really think I would be able to love again at all.

It just didn't seem possible.

Guys were scum. I found the best one.

What do you do when the best guy in the world dies?

You eventually find someone...

and realize that they just as amazing.. and in their own unique way.

And you create a relationship that is surprisingly perfect.

And this person loves you for who you are.

and they don't judge your past.

and they respect the affection you still hold for the person you lost.

and will do anything to make you happy.

I struck gold twice.

I have found the two most amazing men in the world.

God sent me not one... but TWO angels.

I just really hope and pray that God will allow me to keep Ryan.

I still have a fear of him being taken from me.

and i don't know if that fear will ever go away.

because the happier I get.... and the more in love I am... and the stronger our relationship grows... means the harder it would be on me to lose that. to lose again.

I try so hard to push away the fear.

To pull out of dark thoughts.

To try and live my life now and not focus on the what ifs and the looming fear of death.

I want to truly enjoy the happiness I have now with Ryan.

It's what I deserve.

Well, it's what we both deserve honestly.

fragile.

there is something about an unknown number showing up on my cell phone screen that excites me...

could this be a job offer?

did i win a million dollars?

is john calling from heaven?

well... usually the first one.

and lately it's been nothing but disappointment. I literally keep my phone on me at all times. i will stop what i am doing (even teaching) if i notice it's an unknown number... in hopes that someone on the other end has good news for me. but no. no good news.

it starts off the same "how is your day?" REALLY? it WAS good... now go ahead and make it a bad day. just don't ask that question right before you tell me I am going to remain poor. or that you are about to shoot down my hopes and dreams.

no news is good news? well that's pretty much bullshit too. because that means that companies and schools haven't even given me the time of day. so at least when they are rejecting me they put some thought into it.

the crazy part to me is today Universal called and rejected me in the Guest services dept. But Ryan, my fantastic and amazing beau, got in. (we had a group interview together... it was quite odd.) and i have been with the company since 2007!!!!!

luckily, one of us got in.

so... it's Ryan's turn to bring home the bacon.

but his two part time jobs will NOT suffice.

it's not enough for us to live on. comfortably. or even in a surviving manner. we need more money... we need to pay rent, bills, etc. ya know... the stuff so that people can live. as i have mentioned before i feel like i deserve these rights. to live in happiness.

i guess i feel owed.

i feel like i deserve a break.

and i shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way.

i realize i have been crying a lot lately. every day for quite awhile now. i can't remember my last cry-less day. in fact, it makes me feel bad for ryan. he sees this crying girl everyday with a slew of problems. i feel like i am whining. i feel like a complainer. how long do i get to use the excuse of losing john? it's just that i feel like there's this domino effect and i can't stop the tiles from falling.... something will eventually have to give, right? i can't have this misfortune forever?? i was listening to "firework" today by katy perry ( i know, real cliche) and the lyric "maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you down the perfect road." it gave me a bit of hope. a bit on inspiration. because really what if that is the case.... that God is going to open a bigger door for me?

but i understand that it's not gonna just fall into my lap.

that i have to work for it.... it's just that i don't feel like big things are going to happen for me when i can't accomplish anything even close to big. i don't have a degree for something big. i don't have the background or knowledge. i don't have money. how can big things happen for me? i don't even buy lottery tickets. big things can only happen when you go after them. and i need to go after something.

last night i watched a montage of pictures of john that his sister put together. i hadn't watched the video for awhile. but, last night i took time. i sat in the bed. macbook in lap. ryan to my side with his macbook in lap (don't worry. mine belongs to the school. boy, im gonna miss it.) and i watched. the stream of tears instantly hit me. i held in every single sob that i could to keep ryan from hearing. i honestly try to hold back my crying when Ryan is around... but i can't help my feelings. i just want him to think i am more put together than i really am. it's like i was broken into a million pieces and someone put me back together with that paste/glue we used in kindergarten. it doesn't work at all. it barely can glue pieces of paper together. and yes, i did try and taste it.

that's me. broken. put back together poorly.

just fragile.

if i am not careful... i just may shatter again.

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.

and on and on.

and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...

it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.

john.

my job.

my bank account.

my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /

i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.

i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.

my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.

figures.

but, we made it through.

i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.

the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.

and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.

and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.

should i take a leap of faith to do something new?

or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.

even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."

it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.

and that is ryan.

the two men of my life.

the men who would never let me down.

and still never will.

even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.

i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.

i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.

one on earth.

and that is what damn good support team.

1 year.

How does one go about recognizing their lost loved one on a d-day? death day. the day of their death.

i know there were many ways i could have gone about it. it was something that was on my mind constantly as the date approached. i had so many options.

i am guessing not many thought i would take a cruise with my current boyfriend.

but i guess that's ok.

because as I have stated before, there is no rule book for grief. it's a learning experience in which we all need to find our own path.

this photo was taken of me and John's dad on the way to his funeral...

I have contemplated what April 22, 2011 was going to have in store

for me.

Was I going to be washed away with an overflow of emotions? would i break down?

before Ryan came into the picture I had thought of spending the date with my family... and then after consideration... decided that it may not be the best choice. My family was first on the scene to pick me up on that darkest of days. To re-live that would be almost like having a second funeral. To sit around in sadness.... to relive that day over and over again. A day which i re-live almost everyday anyway. There isn't a thing in the world that can take away the picture of finding John in the bed... eternally sleeping. Nothing.

but if i could do anything to lessen the blow of April 22... going on a cruise with a new found love would probably be a good idea.

and it was.

and it was still painful.

and i am sure it isn't easy for Ryan.... for a couple reasons.

first, he hates to see me upset... and i know he feels helpless in that he cannot take back what has happened or even give back what was taken. And second, he shares me. He shares my love with someone who isn't even alive. but, none the less... my heart has been divided into parts in which he is just one. (now granted a big one now)

now.

a few months ago... actually a while ago... i wrote out in detail ALL the things that had happened THAT day. that dark day.

from walking into the room to the sirens and the screams... to the coroners to the funeral...

and I have been telling myself I will publish it so others can fully understand. but i just can't seem to do it. and i thought i would on the anniversary. but once again i am holding back. perhaps I never will share all those details. perhaps they are meant for me... and perhaps they are things you don't want to hear. but then again, there is always this part inside of us... deep inside of us... that longs to know... what REALLY happened and how did it all unfold.

i am telling you now.

right here and now.

it's something i wouldn't wish upon my most evil of enemies.

because there is just something so raw about it.

something so tormenting to the heart and soul... to see the love of your life dead in front of you. cold, stiff body and unfamiliar face.

the person you left was not the person you came home to.

and then sometimes i am like... "is this seriously the hand i was given?"

and we can go back to the "unfair" game.

it's a game i know well.

my life is unfair.

and it's easy to get stuck in the unfair rut.

to think about nothing but all the bad things that have happened.

and neglect the wonderful things.

and i don't want to be in that spot.

i want to be able to look back on all the wonderful times i had with that wonderful man. that contagious laugh. that brilliant smile. those strong hands. the sweet soul. the strong heart.

funny how something so strong could be the thing that took him away.

a heart.

what has my life come down to after 1 year of grief?

what advice can I offer to a person just starting the journey?

1) dont rely on medication. just dont fucking do it. you WILL regret it, i promise. when it's time to get off of them (and you will want to... trust me) it will be a horrible experience that will make you feel worse than you did before. try other means before turning to drugs. drugs will not take the pain away. they will help numb you. but thats all they can offer.

2) dont follow the 7 steps of bullshit. grief doesn't follow steps. just like life doesn't always follow your well made out plans... just grieve the way you need to. no one but you understands how you feel no matter what people try and tell you.

3) stick close to your friends and family. THE REAL ONES. You will have those that are there momentarily and then you will have those that will stick with you the WHOLE time through. those are the ones that will carry you the furthest.

4) Pray. and don't stop. have people pray for you. if it is ever offered... take it.

5) Love God. as much as you can say you hate Him for taking away your love... He still loves YOU. it wasn't something personal against YOU. it's not a "lesson." it's just... life. as much as I cringe to think of it that way. there is no vendetta.

6) find someone that is going through the same thing as you. i found other young widows (and they found me)... seek out others who TRULY understand. If you lost your 25 year old fiance then it isn't always so helpful to talk to someone who lost their 80 year old grandma.

7) dont give up on living. life will move on with or without you.

8) try new things. this is the time in your life to experience something new and give your mind and soul a renewal. i took up photography and i changed jobs.

9) blog. write. sing. ... have a CREATIVE outlet in which you can release your inner thoughts other than spewing words to other's ears.

10) get away. go on vacation. take breaks. people need to get a fucking clue that you need time to yourself once in awhile. and if they can't accept that than really fuck them. i know from personal experience. ugh.

11) if people can't be happy for your happiness than they aren't worth your time. any moment of joy should be praised! if someone makes you feel guilty for having happy moments than they aren't being good friends.

12) laugh. just laugh.

13) cry. and cry a lot. it's totally fine. even in public. you DO NOT need to explain yourself. trust me, i tried it all the time... and why? i had no reason to. i don't have to validate my grief to strangers. they can get over it.

14) stay involved with your past life. although living in the past will hurt and there are things that WILL change... please do not DROP everything you once had. that means friends and family. favorite places and movies and music. those are still part of you. if things become too painful then tuck them away for a time when you are ready. i just recently started watching specific genres of movies i had taken a break from since John's death. but i missed them.

15) it's ok to love again. if you lost love, that is. don't let anyone tell you different. I know John would want that for me... i know he wouldn't want me to stay miserable and alone. he would want me taken care of and honestly I think he helped send Ryan my way :)

16) reach out to others. volunteer. do charity work. find others that need help. you may feel like you have it the worst.... but go out in the world and see that there may be others that have it even worse. now help them.

... that's it for now. im sure not the most SOUND advice. but advice none the less.

the road to transformation

A popular quote in the grief community is "ruin is a gift. ruin is the road to transformation."

ok, mainly the widow community. because our loss really does RUIN us. And if you were in shoes such as mine....John's death made the rest of my life seem bleak. It didn't really feel like I had much of a future left ahead of me. The darkness was all around and I refused to believe there would be a light.

April 22 is almost here.

365 days worth of grief.

365 days missing John.

365 days worth of transformation.

My growth since April 22 of 2010 cannot truly be measured. And whatever you would use to measure it... I would go beyond it's capability.

But even though there has been growth... I will only continue to grow and learn from my experience. for the rest of my life.

John's death is making me who I am. It's making me who I will be. It's made me who I am today. I have not changed completely.... but I know for certain I am NOT the same. Maybe in good ways. perhaps in some bad ways.

I have grown stronger through this journey due to many, many people....

my loving family, supportive friends, the kindness of strangers that have heard my story through my blog or through my mouth, and then finally... through the adoration of my new love, Ryan. His unconditional love and support amazes me daily. As soon as I met Ryan I felt this surge of confidence restored into my life. And as our relationship continues to grow I know that I will only continue to grow. Not just because of Ryan's pressence in my life... but a big part, yes.

I NEVER thought last year this time I would be here.

I had just gotten back from North Carolina... wedding dress shopping with my family. Crying over "the one" dress we KNEW I had to have. John had just gotten back from Dayton after a great season with TCI... feeling a little under the weather but still completely excited about what our future had in store for us. Completely content. Completely in love. on cloud 9.

it only was a few days later that made the happiest time in my life to the most horrific.

and now....

where can I say I stand?

I am nervous to proclaim the happiness I have inside right now. because I am.... happy... though.

I am also sad. Sad that those dreams never came to fruition. That I was stripped from something I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. And that I was stripped away from the man I was absolutely smitten for.

and who I never thought could ever be replaced.

and i was right.

who could ever replace John, truly?

But even ryan knows this answer..

no one.

My love... has not transformed.

my love for John.

It's the one thing that has remained a constant.

because there was nothing that broke our love.

just distance. heaven and earth.

I have kept his space in my heart. it has a permanent residence.

And I have created a new space.

For Ryan.

and for my friends, family, and even strangers that have been there for me throughout all of it. the good times, the saddest of times, and the new times. the time of renewal. out of my ruins.

I am a Phoenix.

And I am rising from the ash!

self destruct in 3...2...1....

i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....

not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent).

one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..."

so. lo' and behold: google.

and here you go:

http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/

specifically read these:

The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]

A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:

1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.

I almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.

So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.

now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted.

And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable.

Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it.

and i know that this can get in the way.

the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..."

it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore.

just sad.

sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over.

did i mention i am in love?

i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy.

of running off ryan.

of losing him.

even though he says it isn't so....

this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.