emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

Where are you, Christmas?

It's been hard to update my blog this month.

After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students. 

Then... it's been full speed ever since. 

I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.

It's been good things mostly.

Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc. 

Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.

Our first Christmas together.

How is this Christmas?

How is my second Christmas without John?

How is my first Christmas with Ryan?

What new things have I encountered? 

Were there any surprises?

What's life like during the holidays?

1) The holidays have lost their magic.

I blame this partially on FLORIDA. 

Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*

And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.

I don't know if it's because i am a widow.

or if I still have lingering grief.

or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....

I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.

i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.

and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.

2) i still miss John.

OF COURSE.

I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...

but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan.... 

I am just missing John.

So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.

basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.

I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.

He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me. 

He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....

I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.

I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.

He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.

I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.

It was fucking awful.

So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot. 

I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)

3) I made the seay poem.

This is weird but I was anxious about it. 

Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.

What if this is the year i am not in it?

I was in it.

One paragraph....

even ryan made the poem...

which touched my heart.

It's weird. Isn't it???

To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?

yeah, i know.

but somehow it just works out.

and we have learned how to make it less weird.

we are ... the exception.

4) My families are expanding.

I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.

then it's my birthday.

holy family.

this part makes me smile.

i love that i have so many to love.

i just wish i still had john too.

then it would be pretty much perfect.

two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.

5) My birthday is on Tuesday.

I will be 28.

I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.

i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.

in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.

like that's all i have to offer??

I don't want my job to make me who i am.

but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used. 

I want to be known for so much for than that.

I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.

But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things. 

and paying off my loans.

being debt free would be a bonus.

... So the question now may be....

How will my 2012 go?

Where will my journey take me?

I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...

but widowhood knocks you down.

it throws you on your back.

the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.

it kicks dirt in your face. 

on your "plans" 

on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.

and so I am going to go ahead and just say... 

i'll take it one day at a time.

and that's good enough, my friends. 

hitting milestones

today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.

it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.

before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.

we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.


On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...

I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...

After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.

and a place i enjoy with ryan now.

i love st. augustine. 

i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :) 

One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.

I looked at Ryan and started to cry.

"You are one day older than John..."

He looked back at me and said "I know."

We had both been secretly thinking about that.

About Ryan outliving John.

And making it past day 17.

And he did.

I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.

It's hard. It's weird.

But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.

What is this feeling?

...so sudden and new...

oh, Wicked.

So, my life has took a turn in a new direction.

I now am dating a man who I really enjoy... and still balancing my feelings for the man I am still in love with.

But, this new feeling is exciting.

I have entered the first stage of a new relationship. Something I haven't experienced in a long time... 6 years.

I feel like Im 16 years old all over again. I fumble. We fumble. There are awkward moments... and then there are moments where we make new discoveries about each other! I enjoy it all.

Although things are going swell in this new relationship... there are still things I have to deal with in the other areas of my life. Last night I sat in my bed and had a terrible anxious night. I sat in bed and a fear overcame me. Something I haven't felt in awhile.... fear.

Now that I have someone new in my life I am filled with new worries.

When I let someone else enter my life I run the risk of having my heart broken... I run the risk of losing them.... of growing attached to him. When you attach yourself to something you become completely consumed with it. There is a day.. one day... when you may find yourself thinking "us" and not just me.

And it scares me. enough to make me stay up at night with my eyes wide open. tossing and turning in the dark. trying to figure out how to do this again.

because honestly, i have started out quite comfortable with him. i really like him. he's sweet, thoughtful... and a true gentleman.

Today I told John's family.

Well, I told John's mom and John's sister and john's brothers girlfriend. I figure it will make it's way around to the rest of the group.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.

But, they were so happy for me. John's mom opened her arms to be and hugged me with a genuine joy.

i was relieved.

we were celebrating Billy's (John's older brother) birthday.

I sat down and watched the people around me. The people I call my family. Who will always be my family. And they will always accept me and look out for my absolute happiness. because that is what John would want. And thats what I want.

I want to be happy again.

I want to feel the way I did before April 22.

But it will take some time to get to that point.

But this is a first step.

i have taken the first step. in the right direction. i like where it's going.

i went to John's parents house to pick up my camera. No one was there. I was alone and that always makes me a bit uneasy when i open the door. as if John will be sitting in the living room on the couch or standing in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal.

he wasn't there.

metallica was though. whining and looking for affection. i rubbed his ears and entered the office. there was my camera... and then of course... there is the box. the box. that holds the ashes of my fiance. i walked over slowly to the box. the beautiful wooden box... topped with a neatly folded american flag that waved the opening day of the Waldorf. and next to it a poem written by Annie for Valentines day. I touched the box. I felt the warmth in my eyes. my sight blurring. here come the tears. "hi baby..." and the sobs. i quickly dried up my eyes and waved goodbye to a box. and then i left the house. I took a breath in the car. I turned on my radio.

my tears stopped faster.

and then i got a text message.... at a perfect time...

a simple word.

with a meaning....

"quack."

:)

John's Quilt Project: Complete! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off... I need to say my 'thank yous' to the people that helped make this possible. I tried to keep track of all the donations that came in as best as I could. But, if I forget someone please let me know and accept my sincere apology.

To those who donated: I can't tell you how much it means to me and John's family the amount of support we have gotten since we lost John. For me, this project means a whole lot more than you think. I wanted to make sure that everyone in the family had a piece of him... something to remember him by... and something that could also be of use. I have been sleeping with my quilt since I have gotten it. Each piece of clothing I used on each quilt had their own signifigance and special meaning. I can picture John wearing these clothes... sometimes over and over in a week. Living in the pajama pants and hoodies... and I am so glad they aren't stuffed in boxes or given away.They will remain a memory that we can keep forever.

Thank you to the following people:

Phil and Courtney
Teresa Mazza
Mary Mazza
Brandy Haddock
Christina Dmitri
Barbie Townsend
Stephanie Kauffman
Laura Sorace
The Peters
Lauren Cobb and Daniel Orban
Meredith Meyer
Lorien Eckert
Andrea Hatin
Brandi Kent
Katie Beesting
John Mason
Timber Creek
Tracy and Billy Evans
Allison Culbert
Laura Sorace
Lauren Stone
Rosie Vasileff

The quilts:














Here are the pillows I made for John's nephews (James and Matthew):

My Other Family

Turning on to Bear Lake Circle has never been the same since April 22. The familiar road with it's familiar turns and road signs... with landmarks and oak trees. It used to be such relief... to get home after a long day... to climb up the carpeted stairs and go into our room. Hug John and lay down and talk about our day. Now when I pull in the driveway I feel eerie. I feel like a stranger in a land I no longer know... but has a dark past. I pass John's tree. Planted a few weeks after his death. I enter the house to happy greetings from the family I have loved for six years. This is my second family. They will always be my family. I am surronded by love and hugs. I hug John's mom first... then his brother in law... hold tight to his dad's embrace... and then get smothered by his twin nephews, James and Matthew. These are the memories I remember now. The warm fuzzy feelings I used to get when I entered the door. Then I stare around the house. I always check for changes. Did they take anything down? Did they add a new picture? What is different? I walk up the stairs. Holding the banister... the same banister I gripped on to when I knew something wasn't right that day. The stairs are covered in plastic. This is different. They are remodeling the master bedroom bathroom. It looks good.. and updated. It no longer looks the way it used to. It doesn't reflect the images I saved in my head. I walk down the hall again. I open the door to the guest room where John took his last breath. It's changed. A LOT. It's now filled with two small pint size beds for James and Matthew. It's whimsical and child themed. Their old bedroom now the official guest bedroom. Complete with the same furniture and alarm clock. I don't open the closet. I want to. But I refuse. John's clothes are waiting for me in there.. waiting for me to touch them... go through them and make a choice. But no choices will be made tonight.
I go through my routine. We eat dinner. We laugh and embrace memories of John. I can speak freely of him here. His nephews are still very much aware that he lived and they remember him. I want them to always remember him.... but realize one day... they won't know him as a person.... but as a picture. It breaks my heart. I give the boys baths. I sing to them as I soak my feet in the tub. Jim wrestles with them to get them clean and I get splashed. Typical boys. They pick out their pajamas and brush their teeth. Now it's time for bed. I lay next to Matthew and he whispers to me "I like you Autumn. I like your toes. Next time paint your fingernails."
What can I say? From the moment they started to speak they became OBSESSED with my feet and toes. It's something that Annie doesnt like to admit. It's quite hilarious.
We turn off the lights. The two little 3 year olds fall asleep. In the room where my fiance died.

I go back down the stairs and I watch TV with John's parents. This was ritual when I lived with them before... especially on nights where John had late shifts.
The visit is overwhelming and uplifting. I am surronded by my family that loves me unconditionlally. When they say they will always love me I believe them. I know it. I know I am always welcome and will always be part of the family. I would never want to lose that. As much as it hurts to go back to those memories sometimes... I know how important it is to keep close to them. Because they are part of my life. forever.

I stand in the drive way with John's dad.
This is our usual goodbye.
It's a long process. We hug... cry... hug some more... cry...
We encourage each other. He encourages me more. He tells me how proud he is of me. He doesn't understand how weak I am. I am a survivor. I survive. I can do nothing to be proud of. I wake up and pretend my life is ok and then I go home and contemplate where my life is going. Then I go to sleep and repeat. But John's dad loves me. He always takes care of me and makes sure I am ok. He always wants to leave on a positive note. This time it was the phrase "cereal milk." John always thought he had the best idea to create cereal milk to sell. He thought he was brilliant. I always thought he was nuts. Cause to me.... that was the worst part of eating cereal. S

I come home and Annie visits. We sit. We talk. We get in deep conversations and then we find room to laugh. There always has to be that time to laugh. The point is that the Seays will ALWAYS be my family. I may never get to share their last name. But I am a Seay. I will be there for holidays. They will be there to watch me grow as a person and support me through my trials and tribulations as well as achievements and milestones. This bond didn't happen instantaneously. In fact, it took me years to fit in to the family. I wasn't accepted right away. It took time. And it was well worth the wait. How lucky to be conneced to such a loving, giving, dedicated family. I will never untie the rope that connects us. It will always be there. Tight and strong. A bond to last a lifetime.