2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

My real feelings about Halloween

I haven't always been so open with my feelings about Halloween... mainly because everyone is so damn obsessed with it.
I mean it's a BIG freaking deal for some of my friends.
So I just kind of go with the flow.
I decorate the house is various fall colors... wreaths with bright oranges, yellows and browns. Dark reds and scents of cinnamon.
I have some sparkly bats hanging in the living room.

But that's about it.

No grave stones.
No blood.
No skeletons.

Halloween has gotten weird for me since 2010.
When working at Universal since 2007 I have gone to the Halloween Horror Night premieres every year. It's not as crowded, there are $2.00 beers, and you get to see the raw version of Bill and Ted.
But when I went in 2011 with Ryan and some friends it was just really hard.
I had a hard time going through some of the houses and had a panic attack just getting close to one of them.
I can handle vampires and werewolves and fantasy creatures.
But when it comes to dead people... I just can't handle it.

I definitely still suffer some PTSD when it comes to this. I even avoid certain movies because they can literally trigger a panic attack.
Finding John in April 2010 has left this permanent mark inside my brain and heart.
When I see pale, lifeless figures... even though I know they have make up on... I see John.
I do not like scenes with coffins or tombstones.
I don't know why tombstones bother me so much because John never even had one. I guess it just reminds me of death in general and how real it is.
And while many can laugh and have a grand ole' time during this holiday and wear costumes depicting death... I cannot.
I know I sound prudent.
And I know that it's just a "holiday." But for me there's something too real about death and mortality.
I just don't mind moving on from here... on to the happier holidays.

And please don't get me wrong.
I enjoy the yearly Halloween movies like anyone else. Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, etc.
I can even ride Haunted Mansion sometimes at Disney.
In fact, I would MUCH rather go to Disney's Not So Scary party than to HHN now.
If I ever go to HHN the only thing I really do is the Bill and Ted show and houses that don't involve dead bodies. ( which is basically none of them)
But that's about it.

I just thought I would let it out.

That I am broken.

And I guess that it will be this way for awhile.



And I really like Christmas much better.

April still sucks

It's May 2nd.
I missed my annual "I hate you April" blog post.

To be honest my health issues have gotten in the way... and therefore I am constantly tired... and therefore even blogging can take a lot out of me.
On a positive note though I am having better days now health wise. I am not having CONSTANT dizziness and I am starting to feel normal again.

But April was hard again.

April was harder.

April sucks.

Fuck April.


Of course on April 22nd, 2013 it was the three year anniversary of losing my John.
Each year I fear more and more people will forget about him. I fear less people will remember. It worries me.
I don't want John to be forgotten.
I took the day off as I usually do... and I spent it with Ryan.
It wasn't what I had imagined in my mind... sitting down next to a lake and releasing doves in the air. Half the day was doctor's appointments.

I survived another milestone.
I have come so far.
I honestly think that John would be proud. I honestly think this is where he would want me to be...  for the most part.


Two days after April 22nd I got a phone call from John's sister, Annie.
She asked if I had spoken to anyone and asked if Ryan was around.
That always means bad news.
I sat on the couch.... my heart already racing... the room starting to spin.
I get into major panic attack mode anytime gets this serious.
And my gut was correct.
John's sister-in-law, Liz, has a step dad named Alan. Every year he cooks the most AMAZING Thanksgiving dinner for us at the Seays.
And Annie had called to tell me he had passed away.

The day after his 50th birthday.
2 days after John's death day.

It was terribly sad and overwhelming.
All I could think about was his wife, Deb. (who I have known for about 7 years now..)
Deb and Alan are my family.
I do not know any better.
These people are my life.

But your mind completely changes when you lose someone you love.
You think about the person who was left behind.
And all I could think about was how Deb was dealing with it all.
Her first night sleeping alone... was she eating?? Could she even brush her teeth? Did she go through his closet to pick out his last outfit? What kind of hard decisions was she having to make about arrangements and saying goodbye?

It was really hard to go see her.
But I really wanted to.

I couldn't believe I entered the house without crying.
And I can't believe I was so strong when Liz (John's sister in law) held me sobbing on my shoulder.
I felt for once I was the comforter.

But then i saw Deb.
And my knees almost buckled.
That "strong" Autumn melted away and I lost it.
And the first thing she said (after some tears) was this:

"Fuck April. We are getting shirts that say Fuck April."

And then we laughed.
And then we cried.



Seriously.


fuck. april.

emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

Hug it Out.

It's 1am. Must be time to blog.


Ok. If you haven't figured it out already I am a hugger.
I hug a lot.

Dad hug 2009

Even if I just met you.
I am a 98% hugger.
If you catch me on a 2% day then it's rare and unfortunate. Unless you are that other group... the non-huggers.
In which I know a lot of.

And I still love them.

Andrea sweaty hug 2006

It's always hard to find a "hugger" type.
Fortunately I fell in love with two.
One being John. Big, strong sturdy hugs. Cuddly and sweet.

John hug 2008

The other Ryan. Long lasting hugs. Warm and heartfelt.

Ryan hug 2011.

Sometimes I have awkward moments with hugging.
Because I spend a couple moments in my head trying to map out how the hug will go for some. Others i know it's always an open invitation.
And then you go in for it and you don't feel well received. It's one of the most disappointing feelings there is... being shot down from a hug.
And sometimes that person still tries... and even worse they do what I call the "pat pat."
That pat your back twice (almost out of pity really). Then you know they didn't want to hug you really but they also didn't wan to quite embarrass you either.

I don't know where my hugging stemmed from. If you didn't know I raise was by my dad since the age of 3. That was it. Me and dad. My older siblings left the house when I was around 5 or so... and it was just me and my dad from then on.
My dad isn't Mr. Affectionate.
And I didn't have a mom to rub my back at night and hug me after night time prayers.
But I did have a grandmother.... who adored me... and scratched my back... and hugged me all the time.
Until I was 9.
Then I lost that.
So, I guess deep down inside I have always craved that affection.
I have always wanted more too.
Call it the power of touch or whatever but I find being close with someone very soothing. Even if it just a hug.

Tracy hug 2011

Some of my closest friends have what they call "emotional issues."
It's the type of people I attract I feel.
People who aren't always open with their feelings or wanting to be touchy feely.
A couple who don't even say I love you.
It used to hurt my feelings a lot.
It was like a sick joke on God's part... pairing me up with people who didn't open up... ME. The girl who opens up about anything. Who cries openly and laughs openly. Who hugs you and kisses you and says I love you.
And then here I am finding friendships in people who aren't like me.
Eventually I just had to come to realize they aren't like me.
It was a bit of a bummer... saying I love you and not hearing it back.
But.
I know that deep down inside these people MUST love me or else they wouldn't be my friend. Or drives miles and miles to visit me. Or send me cookies while I was in drum corps. Or sleep over with me the first night after John passed. Or let me stay at their house days and nights while I was recovering. Or come to my birthday dinners. Or come to my band concerts. Or any of the things that only a person who LOVES you would do.
These people are not obligated to be my friend....
I learned this the hard way.
I have lost those who no longer felt obligated to keep our connection.
But I have also strengthened the bond with so many others and also created new ones.

But sometimes you just need a hug.

I even hug my animals. Lily hug 2011.

And thank goodness I can always rely on Ryan.
If I had my choice I would hug him all day.

But when you get a hug from a friend it delivers a different message. It's not about intimacy like it is with Ryan.
It's about support.
And affirmation.
And security.


When I hug you I am not "doing it just to do it."
I want you to feel warmth and security knowing that there is a person out there who truly cares for you.
It's about being loved.

And the worst thing I hear is when people say "I hate when people say I love you all the time... it defeats the purpose."

Oh really?
What purpose is that?
What are you saving it up for?
Because I know people who waited too long to tell me they loved me.
They waited to tell me when John died.
At his funeral.
At his wake.
When I was down on the floor crying.

And what of the people that didn't get to say I love you to him?

There is Nothing wrong with telling people you love them. If you truly mean it.
And if I say it you better damn well believe I mean it.
I do not tell EVERYONE I love them.
But if I have told you that I do you are not 100% confirmed it was a true statement.
I love my friends.
Where would I be without them?
They saved my life.
Literally.
The LEAST I can do for them is tell them I love them and embrace them in my arms. Because sadly I can't ever repay anyone for all the things they have done for me.
Maybe I harbor a little guilt.
Maybe I feel it's what I have to offer.
Maybe I am making up for a childhood of lacking hugs.

And maybe it's because I love you.

As you can see... I hug a lot. Andrea hug 2012.

#1 rule for hugging: Don't let go too soon <3 xoxo

Us Against the World... and other Summer stories

Summer is moving right along.
Here we are in July.
I feel relaxed this summer. I do not feel rushed or stressed. I feel like I have had a good summer so far. Even though it hasn't been my most exciting summer of being swept off my feet to exotic continents like Central America and Europe... I am enjoying this time.
I guess the part I am not a fan of is when Ryan has to work all day.
It's no fun not to have him around in the afternoon.
I occupy myself by doing LOTS of errands and spending time with friends I do not get to see on a regular basis.
Summer is expensive.
You try to spend your time by being creative or busy. And most of the time that costs money.
So.
After awhile that gets hard.

My summer has been filled with a few awesome moments so far.

First, I got to see my dear friend get married.
It was a destination wedding on a cruise...which was a perfect excuse to take a cruise. I am glad I let go of things before I went on the cruise. I had previously been holding on to some grudges due to the fact that I wasn't involved in the wedding or asked to be a bridesmaid. I was extremely hurt in the beginning. Even my family didn't get it. But in the end I had to let it go. I obviously had to move on and let it be. Sometimes our journeys in life take us different directions... different paths... but I have this feeling deep inside that eventually the paths will meet again. I feel the connection between me and my friend are already being mended. I think we have reached a point where we can start building again and that's good for me right now. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. I don't need her acceptance anymore. I am perfectly content with watching her live her life completely and utterly happy. Because it really does make me happy too. I am always here for her if she needs me. Because I have made a vow to be a friend no matter what. And I am not breaking that vow anytime soon.
The good thing about being friends with me is that I am one hell of a fighter.
I will fight for your friendship.
And I will fight for you everyday.
Maybe not physically (unless you really do need that) but I am there for you. In your corner. Always.

Weddings are getting easier.
I have fun and i enjoy them again.
Did I cry?
Come on, don't you know who I am???
Yes.
Did I have a melt down?
No.
Do I still get envious?
Yes, I do.
But I also know that my time will eventually come with Ryan. I know we have a great relationship and when it's our turn... it's going to be amazing ;)

I got to see one of my all time favorite bands perform!!!
I bought tickets to see Coldplay awhile ago in Tampa... and the moment had finally arrived.
IT WAS THE BEST CONCERT EVER.
Better than Muse and I believe better than Lady Gaga. It was incredible. They really know how to put on a performance.
I was out of my seat almost the entire time.
I was singing to every song.
I even cried.
I have never cried at a concert but when they played "Fix You" I just lost it.
When John died my friend send me an acapella version of that song and well, my feelings about it have never quite been the same.
Then they had these wrist bands you put on that light up for certain parts of the show and when it happened it was absolutely MAGICAL. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Here's a video of it:

On the ride home I spoke with Ryan about one of the songs they sang off their new album. I played it for him and asked if he thought it could be our "first dance" song when we get married. He said he thought it was a great idea. It's called "Us Against the World" and I think it's appropriate for our situation... and it's gorgeous... like most of Coldplay's music anyway.
(I know what you are thinking... we are talking about MARRIAGE??? Well, duh. I am going to marry this man. And if you need to know any reasons just please keep in mind that he puts up with a blubbering widow who keeps a blog about her constant love affair with her dead fiance.)

Ryan took a trip for his job up to Maryland and I had a couple days on my own.
I am also getting better at this too.
Although I am still slightly miserable when I am completely on my own I am LIGHT YEARS away from where I was two years ago.
You know, the months and months where I couldn't sleep alone.
My one thing is I still can't sleep alone in the complete dark.
Although I do remember once I was comfortable with this I still get slightly freaked out and leave the bathroom light on when Ryan is away.
I did, however, take Lily with me to the airport to pick him up. It was pretty adorable. She was very popular, that white fluffy dog, at the airport. And Ryan was surely surprised.

I did have a moment at the airport.
I thought I saw John.
He was coming out of the terminal... well, his look alike... which in the end looks NOTHING like him.
I guess my mind still plays tricks on me.
Cruel mean tricks that is.
I got a little sad when it happened.
It hasn't happened in awhile.
In fact I can't even remember the last time it has.

I have actually quite a few "moments" this summer.
I think anytime I have long periods alone is a recipe for disaster.
ESPECIALLY when I watched the Notebook the other day. Make as much fun as you want about that movie... for someone who has lost someone... it's a meltdown to the max waiting to happen. So (like an idiot) I watched it alone the other day.
I had a night when Ryan wasn't here where I went through old photo albums and just sat and cried and cried.
It's a monthly pity party I have.
It's like a mental cleanse.
I still.... to this day... after 2 years...can't believe what happened on April 22, 2010.
I still have bits of denial.
I still have nightmares and panic.

I still lay next to Ryan in bed and watch his chest rise and fall to see if he is still breathing. Or touch his skin to make sure it's still warm.
I shake him sometimes in the middle of the night to wake him up if I worry he's been too still.
Poor Ryan.
The things he puts up with.
And he truly does love me.
Shaking and all.
He loves me.


All in all I have been enjoying my summer.
I would gladly have a permanent summer if I could.
Afford it that is.
But I have a secret too.

I miss teaching.

I know, I know.
After all that bitching and complaining I miss my work.
I miss what I do. I miss my kids (most of them).

But.

I think summer is still winning right now.

Coldplay Concert. June 2012. xoxo

I'm happy that you're happy

It has come to my attention lately that people are still confused on how they should act around me with certain situations.
I guess I am partly to blame. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (seriously, I have a freakin' public blog, people).
I don't always make it easy.
And I can't say that I don't get emotional when I have 3-4 wedding invitations hanging on my fridge at all times.
Or when I see ANOTHER ultrasound posted on facebook.
Or watching friend's statuses change from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged."
BUT.

BUT!!!!

I AM HAPPY YOU ARE HAPPY!!!!!

I, Autumn, do still have the ability to be excited when my friends have life changing moments. And I will ALWAYS be supportive of these moments... whether you are scared to tell me or not.

You are buying a house?
Great! When am I helping you move? What tips can you offer a girl currently seeking to buy her first home as well? Where is the guest room I am staying in? What's for dinner?

You are engaged?
Congrats! So.... when's the date? What's your colors? How did they propose? Am I invited? (of course i am...) Oh, you want me to be a BRIDESMAID? Oh you were nervous to ask that? (stop it. don't be. I can plan one awesome party for you!) You need someone to help you go pick out dresses? done!!!

You are pregnant?
OMG! I love little babies!!!!Did you know there was a moment in my life where I considered being a midwife? Oh, and I want to be doula trained. Oh, you didn't know? You were too afraid to tell me because you thought I would be upset?


I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable to tell me the happy times in your life. Instead, I do often feel people are more comfortable to share the sad times in their life. No one can live with all of that.
I need the happy moments.
I want to be happy for you.
So, please let me.

Now.
There's a line that can be crossed.
Do I really to discuss these?
I don't, right?
There's a time to celebrate.
And then there's a time to give it a rest.

DO NOT FLAUNT.
There is a line (and it's not fine) between celebrating and flaunting.
Be smart.
Think it through.
I am not the ONLY person that gets bothered by this. Everyone wants happiness. Everyone is going after their own happiness. So, allow those people to share that and don't dominate every discussion with you you you you.



Friends, I want you to be happy.
What kind of person wouldn't want that?
Hopefully not someone that I am friends with.
Because then I need to get rid of them.
And if people are still my friend by now then they may just realize that I am actually a pretty supportive person... even with all of the shit that has been handed to me. I do the best I can to make sure everyone is achieving their upmost happiness.
And when I have happy moments I want you to celebrate with me too.

I am happy... that you're happy, friend.


xoxo

it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

Something old, something new.

I'm sitting at our kitchen table.
Well, John's kitchen table. Well, me and John's kitchen table.
I am holding a pair of cards and playing poker.
I fold. My hand sucked. But I am laughing.... because I am honestly having a great time.
And all around me are familiar faces.
And bottles of beer.
And lots of smiles and laughs.

something old. something new.

The table is old.
It started out as John's college roommate's table.
It was used mainly for beer pong.
Eventually John bought it for about $30 and it's been with us ever since.
It's sturdy.
We call it the "Knights of the Square table." Because it's heavy and durable and OLD.
But it has character.
And I can't manage to let it go just yet.

The faces are old and new.
The faces of John's friends mixed with the faces of Ryan's
Mixed with the faces of mine.

We are doing the "impossible" in widow world.
We have combined our worlds.
We are having a poker night with people we love from various stages of our lives. Percussionists that worked with or under John.
Musicians that marched corps with Ryan.
Co-workers from my job. Consequently the co-worker is also the guy that took over my position at Walker when I left after John's death.
And here we all are.
In our house.
In ME AND RYAN'S house.
Playing cards on ME AND JOHN'S TABLE.
These are OUR friends now.
United by John in the end.
We can laugh and tell jokes and have a good time and I think secretly everyone imagines what it would be like if John were there.
His absence is noted.
Not outloud ... but privately and silently in our minds and thoughts.
we all wish he was still here.

And there's something about going over for Easter to the Seays house ....
the house doesn't look different downstairs. all the pictures are still hanging. me and John. John's baby photos. Everyone's prom pictures.
and it's comforting to me.
i also get knots in my stomach just before opening their door because i am afraid one day it will all be torn down and they won't care anymore.
but it's not.
even in his dad's office there are pictures of me everywhere.
i am still loved....

something old.


and bringing Ryan over is always such an experience.
we get to do all the things that i would have been doing with John.

except it's ryan.

something new...

The boys love Ryan.
they hug his legs and say they love him.
it warms my heart.
and brings a peace to me because it's an acceptance. that even the small minds of John's nephews have accepted Ryan has something permanent. and they like him.
and i like that.


Mixing my old life with John and my new one with Ryan sometimes shocks me with how well it blends. It almost flows so well that I feel like something is WRONG with me. Like there should be a problem. I even ask Ryan sometimes "are you ever angry/hurt/mad/jealous with my feelings for John." And he isn't.
Of course.
And then I am like... well, is this really how it's supposed to be?
Can my two lives really mesh together this well and everyone be ok?

I mean, there have been a few along the way that haven't transitioned so well. And I may have lost some.
But maybe those were some worth losing at the time.
maybe I will gain them back.


But for now I think the people I have in my life... old and new... are amazing.
And I am very blessed to have them in my journey.
The old to remind me of my wonderful past and share my memories ...
and the new to create amazing new memories with.


My new.
My "us"

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

You say you want to make a resolution?

I can't stand watching the facebook status updates on Dec. 31.
All of a sudden everyone becomes more enlightened... they have it "figured out" and also feel the need to give out unwanted advice. Or act too good for resolutions...
One of my biggest peeves is those who make statements like "why do you wait until Jan. 1 to make a resolution? you can start anytime... blah blah blah"

...

it's pretentious.

I mean, give people a little credit for TRYING to make a resolution for goodness sake!

And if it wasn't people getting all hot and bothered about other's resolutions it was people bitching about their 2011.
It sucks for widows to read statuses where people have nothing to do but complain about horrible their year was. People that got married, that have beautiful and healthy children, people who have AMAZING high paying jobs, people who are perfectly healthy, etc.
No one that had been widowed complained about their year.
Even though they probably had the shittiest years of all.
Most of them were probably smarter than me and stayed off of facebook anyway. Facebook, as I have mentioned before, has always been a weakness of mine and I am gradually learning how to balance it out and not take things personal.
Until yesterday.
When everyone's status made my blood boil
And so I have started cleaning out my facebook.
I have deleted people (yes) and I have mostly unsubscribed from people who do nothing but post nonsense that i really could care less about.
Pictures of them getting ready for the club, statuses of constant frustration, people that only quote lyrics or films, etc. etc.
All hidden from view now :)

So, I think that was one positive step to start this new year for sure.

As for my resolutions... I do have them. Call it cliche or whatever but everyone deserves a fresh start. The new year just may give people a chance to find page one.
My thing is... give people the chance.
And here is my chance.
2012 will be MY year.
A positive, blessed year.
And one that I know I have to be in control of.... for the most part.

Some resolutions:

1) LOSE THE FREAKING WEIGHT.
I am once again officially the heaviest I have ever been.
it's just getting annoying.
mainly because I control it and I am well aware of it.
I eat like crap and I don't exercise. So, at least I know how to fix the problem. I am aware that what I am currently doing (which is nothing) is the wrong thing and all I need to do is go opposite of that and I will see results.
Minor fixes: drink more water, eat out less.
Major fixes: join a gym, take yoga, change eating habits completely.

By the summer I would love to be down 20 lbs or more.
Perhaps I should set up a separate small blog dedicated to that journey... anyone know how to do that?????
like... ya know... a tab up top where it would link to my other blogs?
which leads me to the next resolution (which these are in no order at all)...

2) Fix my blog.
It's outdated. and kind of dark...
and need expansions to fit me expanding my life.
I would love to add a section on other aspects of my life in addition to my grief journey... as well as a special section where ryan can write once a week.
so, I am currently in the market for someone to "pimp my blog."
Or... a blog designer.
If you have any suggestions please let me know.
remember: i am a teacher and a widow. money is tight.

3) Figure out finances.
Living paycheck to paycheck is getting old.
Ryan and I have come up with some ideas to try and get out finances better figured out for the year 2012... and one of the goals being for Ryan to pursue a job other than Universal and to get into law school. If he goes to school that will be his full time "job" and I will try to make ends meet on the other end. No matter what I need to get out of debt. My debt isn't much compared to many out there... but enough to make me not like it. Paying off my car and credit card this year is on the top of my list. I just came across the app called mint.com!! I highly recommend it to everyone that is interested in money management. I am kind of obsessed with it. It helps you budget out your fiances and gives you warnings when you go near budget or over it and also offers advice. I check it daily. The best part is that Ryan and I linked our bank accounts ( yes, already) and we are budgeting as a couple and not as individuals. So it takes into account both our ... well... accounts.

4) God/church/bible
Ryan and I have already concluded we need to 1) establish a church 2) pray DAILY 3) read the Bible
One of my favorite things to do with Ryan is pray together. it's a special thing we do at least once a month where we hold hands in bed and pray outloud for each other. It is especially helpful when I am feeling anxious. There is something about coming together and speaking to God as a couple that makes everything seem so much better. It really does put me at ease.
As for church ... the problem we seem to be coming across is the fact that I am non-denominational and ryan is catholic. We don't necessarily always agree on where to go for service. I don't care that he is Catholic at all. I just tend to get bored in Catholic services (not to mention mean glares when I take communion at a Catholic wedding and do not do the whole cross my head, heart thing). So, we might just have to compromise on this one.

5) Get creative!
My creative juices have really been flowing lately! There is soooo much I want to do but of course things that keep me from doing it... money and time being the prime suspects. So, I am going to try and set aside one day a week to do something "crafty." Either by myself or with a friend. Doing crafts (or baking, cooking) really helps me release tension and I am hoping that I can also use craft skills to bless others when it comes time to birthdays, parties, etc. I mean, I always love getting handmade things from people... so I am sure others would like that too.

6) Fall in love every day.
I want to continue the relationship I have with Ryan in the direction that we are going and never take advantage of a single moment.
Widows get a big appreciation at a second shot at love.
We take advantage of every moment, big or small.
We want to make memories everyday. Photos at every event, saying "yes" to any invitations, road trips whenever possible... we want to make sure we live our new lives to the fullest.
I am hoping that everyone would do this.... and not have to be a widow to learn to do so. Luckily, I have always lived by that mantra.

7) Family and Friends
2011 brought me closer to a lot of people.
Sadly, I lost a few friendships along the way. Some have not completely disappeared. They have faded. They still linger there but are not the same as they were before.
Now i have new ones to work on.
New people to care for and love.
And there is always my family... who I always feel the need to stay connected with as possible. The longer time goes by the farther apart everyone spreads so keeping in touch has been a challenge. I want to try and visit EVERYONE this year. i feel bad because Kristi was once again left out... mainly because she is the most expensive to visit. So, I want to make sure she becomes a priority.



In June Ryan and I wrote a list of goals.
We got to review them and edit them tonight.
After 6 months we accomplished a little... but not as much as I wanted to.
I will perhaps post them sometime this week... they are our "official" resolutions. I can then continue to track them and watch to see if we obtain the goals we are setting out for ourselves.

My advice to everyone is... go ahead and make a resolution.
Don't worry about what those pretentious people say about you not having to do it on Jan 1. I think Jan 1 is a fine day to make a resolution. (not to mention it's easier to track). (not to mention it's easier to obtain things like finances and weight management now that the holidays are over).


And here is to the year 2012....
may it be filled with happiness, health and love... lots and lots of love.

                                                   Cecilia is ready to ring in the new year...

the dresses.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for a wedding, I had set aside a dress I knew I would be wearing that evening...
but, just for fun, I tried on a couple older dresses...
and it was a bit of a wake up call.

Since John passed I have gained about 20 pounds. Although none of my friends will admit I look bigger ... it's clearly evident when I can't zip up any dresses I was able to wear over a year ago. In fact, Ryan broke one of the zippers when trying to zip me up. I ended up wearing a dress where I felt completely uncomfortable all night and I felt like my boobs were spilling out of the top constantly. It's uncomfortable being fat.
Besides the fat thing the dresses in my closet had a second fault. They taunted me. And one in particular haunted me.
they were all reminders of past events.
Most of celebration.
and one not so much.
These dresses had been with me in moments shared with John. They each had a story to them... and yet, part of me realized... it was time to refresh the wardrobe.
I guess it was part anger.
Part depression.
Part willpower.
Part courage.

It was something... something that made me put the dresses in the back seat of my car and drive to a local consignment shop. I handed over the dresses and the lady looked at each one thoughtfully. each time she had nothing but nice comments to say "oh, this one is nice..." "oh i like this.. " "you have nice taste."
And then it started.
The hot feeling in the face.
The rush of wet.
My eyes flooding.
I was crying over these pieces of material.

The first was a black dress from express. size 8. ha!!!!!!!
**CRIES**
It was a "little black dress."
My most memorable moment in this dress was probably for Holly's birthday. I remember we were in city walk and holly had gotten a lot of gifts. It was then that John, being the gentleman he always was, took ALL of her gifts and brought them back to the car for her... which was quite a hike to the parking garage. I remember there was a vase of flowers he had to carry and he looked so cute holding them with the balloons. You could tell he was doing it to be polite but in a way he may have had regret once he had the vase of flowers in his hand...

Next dress...

I wore this dress to my friend Danielle's wedding. It was BCBG... my favorite designer. Most of my dresses came from that designer. This was the same wedding where i had caught the bouquet and John made a point to catch the garter since last time he had to watch some random guy put it on my leg. He vowed that would never happen again. And it never did. He got to put it on my leg that night... with his teeth... and boy did we milk it. The DJ was nervous we didn't know each other. It was a good memory in a nice springy dress.

Dress #3 also was worn at a few weddings... and was my most favorite dress of all...

It was most famously worn to John's brother's wedding. (seen here in this picture I absolutely ADORE of us).

It was a perfect "autumn" dress... complete with leaves on the bottom.

Beautiful browns... perfect cut... for my then body.

My body now wouldn't be able to squeeze half a boob in it. So, to the consignment it goes. 

I wore that dress to couple other weddings as well... but my favorite of all is Billy and Liz's. Its a wedding that I don't think many others can compare to. Although I swore up and down that mine would have... me and john wanted it to at least match the standard that Billy and Liz had set up. It was the ultimate Seay wedding.

Dress #4 is older.

It's another simple black dress that I had bought for a very special occassion.

It was the dress I wore to my college graduation. It's a bit of a risque dress now that I think about it.. it had a plunge neckline and showed a great deal of cleavage. I didn't mind at the time because:

1) I was being covered my a huge graduation gown

2) I had a great rack then!

But it's one of those dresses that I had to move on from... both because of not fitting it and not knowing when I would be able to "show off the ladies" like that ever again in my late 20's. ew.

Dress #5... the one that brought me to tears.

In my final photo with John ever taken I am wearing this dress. We were on our way to an event for the Orlando Philharmonic... 

I remember how excited I was to go to this event. How i got to show off my new accessory... MY ENGAGEMENT RING! How we got to be introduced as each other's fiance. I remember so much that night. I remember the excitement of being dressed up and going to a formal event. It was like we truly felt like we fit in for a change. We both felt so mature... the evening felt very right. The wine was endless and the food was fantastic. I remember sneaking in to grab a dessert before everyone and how John laughed about it... and how we almost kept falling into this pond with stones for steps. I remember walking in the back garden and holding hands. I remember this night.... and so does that dress.

The last dress I knew I would never wear again.

I am leaving out the picture although I have posted one before.

It was the dress I wore to John's funeral.

It was picked out for me by my friends. 

The time in my life where people made decisions for me because I honestly couldn't take care of myself nor did I care to.

But i knew this dress would have to be special. Because it was the last thing I would wear "for John." It was black and lacey. And honestly I felt like it was made for a funeral. I can't imagine ever trying to wear it again. It would be almost morbid.

So, I am glad to see it go.

But, so sad that I had to wear it for such an occassion. 

It's hard to imagine i let it sit there in my closet and haunt me. And when I touched it I am touching a moment in time where my life had gone to complete black... as black as the color of this dress itself.

Leaving these dresses at the consignment shop may be something I regret later.

Ok, I regretted it as soon as I drove away.

And it sounds like I am giving up...

like I know I will never be that size again or that I am letting go of memories. 

But, I'm not to both.

I am determined to lose weight and fit into those sizes again. I just think it's fitting in my life to get new dresses for new memories. And I could never let go of these amazing memories... that each dress carried with them. Perhaps the person that buys these dresses will have some amazing memories in them too. I pray no one has to wear one to a funeral. 

I just kind of had this urge.

This feeling inside.

To make some extra room in my closet.

to match the extra room i am making in my heart.

the family dynamic.

something funny happens when you lose the love of your life and then God teaches you to love again.

you gain another family.

and yet you keep the ones you had before.

this is clearly evident with me and the seays and sirmeyers.

john's family. ryan's family.

and let me go ahead and make a statement. a praise of how THANKFUL I am that I still have the seays in my life. many widows I know have lost their late love's families during the process and sometimes for just plain selfish reasons. for instance blame. sometimes families need to blame someone for their loss and their significant other seems like a good direction to point a finger. Or sometimes they find it too painful of a reminder to associate themselves with that person anymore. But, why wouldn't you want to keep that connection.

The connection I had with John is unlike any connection anyone else had with him. period.

No one will ever know that side of John but me.

it's the privilege you have being their other half.

you get let in.

to that special side of them.

that's one of the reason's why romantic relationships are so special.

and so, to disconnect yourself from that person and completely disconnecting yourself from a side of your child that you'll never get to know. Especially since they only shared it with that person. that person you are choosing to disconnect from.

I don't see how someone could build bonds with a person and then cut them off in their most time of need.

It's like losing more than one person.

It's like the death of a whole family and not just that one person.

I feel for those people. Those men and women who are left to grieve without their loved ones and that connection to them.

And I feel bad for the families that decide they don't need that connection anymore.

So. I am grateful.

And my plate is full.

I went and visited John's mom and nephews yesterday. My nephews. They are a lot of fun... the older they get the more fun... and crazy! I got there early before picking up the boys from daycare to help John's mom with some cleaning. (i don't ever mind doing things for them because they have TONS for me). Then I picked up the boys and played, ate dinner, played some more, gave them a bath, read them a book and had an exhausting time putting them down for bed. But I enjoyed all of it. And Ryan joined me at the end around bathtime... and although I know John would love to be there helping with his nephews.. I am glad Ryan gets to experience it. He has one brother and no nephews or nieces yet. So, it's good for him.

Later that night he said that I was going to be a good mom.

I felt so warm inside after that comment.

And then immediately had a great feeling of wanting a baby.

LOL.

No worries. No babies for us anytime soon.

the balancing act of three families can be tiring.

I want to be there for everyone all the time.

but it's hard.

because...

1) distance

2) time

if it's not one of those elements it's the other.

i really wish my family lived closer to me. as in my brother and sisters. Vegas, Long Island and North Carolina are all too far for me.

as much as I make an effort to visit them all it isn't quite enough in my eyes.

i even hate to admit it but last time my sister, Kristi, came down we met only ONCE and she was here for two weeks.

and that's where TIME comes in.

Managing my time with friends and family is complicated.

oh yea... and slip that job in there too.

and then personal time. which sometimes i don't think i give myself enough of because i completely rely on the company of other's all the time.

and that's not really an all out bad thing.

i just like socializing.

i like company.

i like the presence of others.

and occasionally... i do not. but on rare occasion indeed.

but most of all I am enjoying the new found company of my new best friend, Ryan.

whom i am completely in love with.

and a big congrats to us for dating a whole 5 months! Although I feel like it's been way longer. i am enjoying it all... and also wishing our schedules wouldn't conflict so much so we could spend even more time together.

so with the addition of a relationship...

spending time with people became harder.

one relationship i feel a complete disconnect from is my best friend, Evan.

I don't think our relationship has been the same since John's death.

I kind of feel like I may have traumatized her a bit.... since she was there when his body was carried away in a bag.

and the other fact is I changed.

i had my time of unpleasantness.

and her life was going in an opposite direction.

she fell in love.

and i lost it.

two different directions.

and she latched on to others who more reflected where she was currently at in her life.

and now that my life is back in that direction i want to rekindle what once was there.

The other thing that stresses me out is I feel like in order to do anything with ANYONE ... I have to plan it.

always.

As much of a planner that I am ... sometimes I just hate it. I want OTHERS to do the planning. I want someone to be like "hey, im going to this lake on this date and do you wanna come." Or be like "hey, do you wanna get dinner one night? how about this night?" instead it's like "hey! let's meet up."

how ambiguous!!!

How about we figure it out now??

and not wait forever.

"oh i want to see you sometime soon..."

oh?

are you already booked all week?

do you need to pencil me in?

JUST DO IT ALREADY.

If you want to see me or if you want to call me or if you want to plan some kind of gathering... JUST DO IT.

and please.

spend time with your family.

because they are gold.

just some friendly advice.

Lucky in Love

Today I posted this picture of Ryan on my facebook:

It's a picture of Ryan making a ring... made out of a straw wrapper... and placing it on my finger. He has done this before... and when he makes them I wear them all day. As silly as it seems it feels good to wear something on this finger again... even if it is made out of paper. Even when I wear John's engagement ring I now wear it on my right hand. Once in awhile I slip it on my left for the feel of it. I miss it's weight. I miss looking at it while I drive. I miss being engaged.

One of my friends commented below the picture that I have "struck gold twice" and that I am "lucky in love." I have never been able to put the word lucky together with my life. The combination never makes so much sense to me. But I tell Ryan all the time how lucky I am that we found each other. But more so than anything I tell him I blessed.

Because I truly believe it's a God thing.

And as weird as it seems... to think me, a girl that has lost it all, is lucky in love... perhaps I am.

John was AMAZING.

We had a relationship people could envy.

We figured it out.

We were IT. we were the people you wanted to be like.

When he died I was sure that NO ONE would ever even come close to filling those shoes. I would never love like I loved John.

In fact, I didn't really think I would be able to love again at all.

It just didn't seem possible.

Guys were scum. I found the best one.

What do you do when the best guy in the world dies?

You eventually find someone...

and realize that they just as amazing.. and in their own unique way.

And you create a relationship that is surprisingly perfect.

And this person loves you for who you are.

and they don't judge your past.

and they respect the affection you still hold for the person you lost.

and will do anything to make you happy.

I struck gold twice.

I have found the two most amazing men in the world.

God sent me not one... but TWO angels.

I just really hope and pray that God will allow me to keep Ryan.

I still have a fear of him being taken from me.

and i don't know if that fear will ever go away.

because the happier I get.... and the more in love I am... and the stronger our relationship grows... means the harder it would be on me to lose that. to lose again.

I try so hard to push away the fear.

To pull out of dark thoughts.

To try and live my life now and not focus on the what ifs and the looming fear of death.

I want to truly enjoy the happiness I have now with Ryan.

It's what I deserve.

Well, it's what we both deserve honestly.

dear friend

You must understand, friends.

That I am allowed to be angry. For all the days that I am strong, chipper, and facing the world with the smile... I am allowed days of anger, grief, sadness...

because that's all part of this journey.

As a friend I don't expect you to be at my beck and call every 24 hours. Although some of you have mentioned that I can call you anytime. I trust those who have mentioned this.

I do not try to drag everyone down into my problems. That's why I blog. So, if one is offended then you just have to stop reading. Because, the whole purpose of this is to express myself.

Someone commented yesterday that "the reason your friends stop calling you is because they want to LIVE."

Probably one of the most selfish things I have heard.

I am offended and just plain taken aback.

I would NEVER stop calling a friend if they are in pain. This is the time you want to call them MORE. Or else... why would they be a friend? To only have them in the good times in your life?What a waste of a relationship.

Helen Keller once said:“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”

I couldn't agree more. Why it may be easy to go on with your happy life that doesn't mean to abandon those in need. I know it's easy to dismiss this with a "you have to move on." But that doesn't just happen. And it takes time. It's only been 9 months. My wound is still healing. It's in fact very fresh. So, perhaps it would be best to try and imagine what it would be like to be in my shoes. It's awful, huh? I wouldn't want to do it either. I am living the nightmare everyone is afraid to face. I lost the one thing I can never replace completely. Along with the future we had planned together. And with sorrow comes the support of friends. They are my stake in the ground.... and I am the vine that grows around it. With the stake I can grow taller... reaching towards the light. without it... I whither away.

I need my friends.

And I hope they feel they need me.

I know they do.

As a friend I feel like I have a lot to offer.

And I know that John wouldn't want me to lose those I love most because of his death. But I am sure he would also want me to be taken care of.

It isn't that I am not learning to find my own way.

I do that day to day.

But part of who you are is the people you surround yourself with.

A friend makes that phone call. As uncomfortable as it may be... it means the world. A friend invites me to lunch, coffee, or a movie. I don't expect you to pay. I don't expect you to pick me up. I will meet you there. We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be about John. And if you want to talk about John... I am more than willing. I love sharing our stories and our love. Thats how I keep him alive.

A friend reaches out when I am at my worst.

When I cry out for help it's usually for a good reason.

When the pain gets tough... it's nice to have someone there to hug, hold, and cry on.

Did their LIFE stop when they offered their help? Absolutely not. They are doing what I would do for them. They care. They want to continue the bonds made before John's death and make them stronger even after.

There are two ways we can make it out of this:

1) I lose you.

You stop calling. You can't handle my burden. You float off into your own world. You become distant. You say something rude. You make me feel guilty for having grief. You never take time to listen or be sympathetic or empathetic. You lack the compassion to carry on a mature relationship with someone.

2) Our friendship grows stronger than ever.

We pick up where we left off and build on what we have using lessons learned from John's death. That you never know where life can take you and to cherish the people you have in your life that LOVE you. You share your LIFE with me rather than "moving on" with it. You remember me and you remember my John. You don't forget the milestones. You offer help. You listen and offer advice. You become a person I can rely on. Our relationship becomes stronger than ever before.

It's really something I have no control over.

As much as I would love to keep all of my friends... it wouldn't surprise me if I lose a couple. And it just breaks my heart.

Friends, do not give up on me.

For I would never give up on you.

And neither would John.

He wouldn't want his death to cause me to lose more loved ones.

Losing people after a traumatic loss due to the fact of their own misunderstandings is adding insult to injury. Why add to the pain? Loss is loss. Losing John PLUS people I care about immensely... makes no sense.

Please watch your words.

Please think twice before you speak.

Your words are ammunition.

And some have wounded me with their words.

Take a step back. from yourself. from your computer.

reflect on all the things you have.

Now, pick your favorite thing.

Maybe it's your husband, your child, your pet, your job...

now. take it away. imagine it was taken from you. INSTANTLY. SUDDENLY. UNEXPECTANTLY.

Feel the hurt.

Feel the confusion.

Feel the emptiness.

You lost your world.

But now come back... and realize it's not really gone because it was just imaginary.

Mine is not.

Mine is a reality.

What does it take to get you to understand, friend?

disappointment

my pillow is soaking.

my feet are tingling.

It's one of those nights.

a bad one.

i have been carrying the stress of so many things on my back and have yet to lighten the load. my biggest problem right now is this roommate issue. once again i feel like i am being backed out on. i'm stuck in a corner. and i have absolutely no control. as much as i try to be helpful you really can only do so much on your own end. and the ball is out of my court.

tonight i cried for john. i shouted out for him in the tub once again. i leaned over the edge and in between the screams found myself dry heaving. this is what happens when i let myself get to upset. i lose control. and then the pain just takes over.

but i tell you what. i am disappointed in people. and mainly those who are my friends. once again i find myself having to reach out to others instead of being reached out too. it's sad when i put up a plea for help on facebook and 1 person calls and 3 people text. out of all those hundreds of friends. neat.

and then this afternoon i sent texts to almost half of my contacts. and it was just normal chat. probably got 2 responses back then too.

one of my friends admitted being consumed by themselves. and she had recently fallen out of my universe... and found another solar system. but at least she admitted it.

listen, people. stop being scared. just let go of your comfort zone. because let's be honest.... didn't i always make people get out of it anyway? it's obvious i am still very wounded and it's obvious that bringing up john is painful. but don't you DARE pretend like he didn't exist. John was my world. my moon and stars. he was/is a hug part of my life. he is the reason i am who i am today. why would you ignore that? many of my friends were also close with john. i mean, after all we were a pair. a team. attached at the hip. yet, it feels as if they have moved on easily. maybe they aren't expressing how they feel? and why not? i would WANT to know that John is still missed. that he is still thought of and admired and adored. and that the memories we shared are still being remembered by others.

i honestly feel as if i am trying as best i can right now and then find myself going out of MY way in order to get the company of a friend. i am reaching out daily and i am completely stunned out many have not responded to anything i say or send. is this intentional? are people trying to ignore me? ignore my pain=absence of pain in their lives. yes, go ahead and escape the fear. the death. i sure as hell wish i could. oh how lucky you are. to crawl into your happy places... safe and sound. taking advantage of what you had initially taken for granted. given a second chance to appreciate your world. and mine has been ruined for the cause.

where are the thanks in that?

where is my fucking medal?

i gave everyone a second chance.

and they can't even pick up a phone to call me and say "how are you?"

that's lame.

that's bullshit.

that's a bad friend.

it's exhausting. putting on this face every day for the world to see. making it comfortable for others. making myself hold back things in order to- god forbid- make others feel the slightest bit of feelings. i work my ass off day to day... i get home and open the door to a cat and a dog. and as much as everyone likes to say "well you have lily..."

i would trade 1,000 lilys to have john back.

i mean, how can you even compare the two?

i love animals. but it's a dog. it can't give me the love and joy that i had with john. it's not even slightly close.

so coming home to this emptiness sure isn't making it easier on me.

empty table. empty bed. empty couch. empty chairs.

empty.

empty.

empty.

empty heart and empty womb.

empty.

it starts to look weird when i write it over and over.

it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

i need sleep.

i sure hope everyone takes a time to reflect on how awesome their lives are. and after that why dont you give me a call? thanks.

"So, how's your job?"

this is the question I get constantly.
It's the only thing people can come up with sometimes. Or all the time.
At FMEA Convention last week it was all I ever heard when someone came up to me. I guess that can be expected at a band director's convention. I mean everyone is talking about their job. But honestly it's sometimes the only thing people know how to discuss with me comfortably.
I thought I was going to LOSE MY MIND if one more person asked me. I guess I thought there might be more things to discuss?? But then I thought about it and all that's on anyone's mind when they see me is John. John's death and my life. I want to answer the questions that they are afraid to ask.

"How does it feel ?"--- horrible. it feels unreal. it feels like my life ended and i have to rebuild it from nothing.

"Are you ok?"-- I'm better. I am up and down. I have good days. I have bad days. And I have MISERABLE days. But, I am progressing. I have come far since April.

"How long are you going to wear your ring?"--- until another person comes along that deserves for me to take it off. and even then maybe not.


"Do you still talk to his family?" --- Yes. We are extremely close still. And we always will be. They are MY family too.

"Do you think you will date again?"--- I actually have kind of started this process. Well, in a weird way. I am not OFFICIALLY dating anyone. I am seeing people here and there but I am in no way close to having a relationship. I am still healing. If someone amazing comes along... then we will see.

"What happened to him?"--- he died from a rare virus called myocarditis. It was sudden and unexpected. Yes, I found him. Yes, it has traumatized me. But I truly believe John left this world as peaceful as one could leave it. And the happiest.

"Are you seeing a counselor?"--- Well. no. I was. And then I wasn't. I will be seeing one starting next week. It's hard finding a good counselor. One that understands you and that you have a strong relationship with. It's just as tough as dating.

"Were the holidays hard?"--- Yes, they were painful. The anticipation of them was even more painful because I knew what was coming. Except New Years. That was awful and I thought it would be easier than it was. I have to overcome a lot of "firsts" without John and each one of them is a hurdle.

"Can I do something?" --- Yes. First, you can pray. Second, you can call me, text me, write me... and most important... get your ass over here and visit! I appreciate the company. We don't have to do anything fancy. Just sit with me, talk with me and make me less lonely.

"How do you do it?"--- Losing John wasn't a choice. No one would ever ask for this type of pain and grief. I carry this burden daily without any previous knowledge of how to handle it. It's new to me. It's not easy. Being a widow does NOT come with a handbook and so I am going to make mistakes. Please be patient. I "do it" because I have to. Because I refuse to sit around and wait to die. Because I choose to live. For John and for myself.




So, if I missed some questions please leave them for me and I will answer them for you. I will answer honestly and to the best of my ability. Do not be afraid to ask me about my life. Because as much as I hate it, this is part of my life. And will be forever.


And to answer the question "how's your job?"

It's great! I love my job and I love my kids. I love my associate, Nicole and I love my school. I think God put this opportunity in my life for a reason and I grateful for it. It has literally saved me.