My John, the romantic.

I sometimes tend to forget what I originally created this blog for.

And that was to also share past memories I had with John.

And the other day I found my LWHS Alumni page. It hadn't been updated in awhile... and still had on the profile that I was dating John and we had been tog

ether for almost 4 years at the point and that we were completely happy.

I erased all the info today.

Yes, it sucks every time I find something online or not that has to be adjusted to erased. It feels like I am literally erasing John's existence. I don't even fill in my current information... because I feel as if I would have to explain things.

"You see... I was with this amazing guy and his name was John. He was taken away from me for no good reason at all by a freak virus no one ever gets. Then life sucked really bad. Then I met another amazing guy and his name is Ryan. are you confused yet?"

I just think the blank is best.

So, on this website are also a select few of my favorite pictures I decided to put up and share with my fellow alumni of LWHS.

And I am going to share one on here....

This is a picture of me and John on a very special night.

A night that many men could learn from. A night when John decided to be spontaneous and romantic.

Are you paying attention, men?

So... I am going to go ahead and let THAT Autumn explain it to you. The Autumn from 6 years ago. The 21 year old. Because I had blogged about that night before... in my old blog from high school/college. So here it is:

Crossmen Camp: (Dec 7-9)... little did I know... this would be my last time in the Crossmen family. My family for almost 3 years and I never even got to say goodbye.... it was a tough camp and things just didn't feel right.. Joe Kemp died in a an accident (one of our vis staff ) and all the perc, staff was fired which really pissed me off. I hated Larry...Pat wasnt coming back and Gus was gone. Rachael also decided it was not in her best interest to march. So... maybe God had a plan... I see a light at the end of the drum corps tunnel. ALso, John was cut from SCV. Hard stuff to deal with.... But then Phantom caLLED him and he made bottom bass so all is well for him. He's living my dream. Good for him. Sooo... it was a long weekend anyway and I got home .. after the most stressful flight of my LIFE!!! We wwere late... our luggage was actually packed into the aisles and BATHROOMS of the plane due to ppl who fucking overpack. I was mainly frustrated cause John, Brandy and I were supposed to go eat at Osaka's... and we surely werent gonna make it. So... I get off the plane and at the end of the terminal is john waiting... with a dozen red roses... he kisses me and hugs me. He then says "brandy is bringing the car around.." so we wait... and up comes a STRETCH ESCALADE LIMO... for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was sooooo shocked. John rented me the limo for all night and since Osaka's was closed... we ate at Whataburger instead. It was so cute and romantic! Inside the limo were about 8 of my friends... all drinking wine/beer and ready with camera flashes. John is so sweet! I love every ounce of him! SURPRISE!!!!!!!!! John was so happy his plan worked... isnt he so cute??? oh he knows he got major points for this one! by the limo! "so yeah, she had no idea!" It was purely amazing.

So now you know... just one of the many amazing things that came from John Seay.

Everyone can learn from him.

I can even learn from him still.

As a couple we were always doing whatever we could to keep things romantic and exciting. Whether we left each other little notes or took each other out on surprise dates. I am not gonna lie... John was pretty good at it! And yes, sometimes he needed a little coaxing from me :) But, even to the very last of his days... with a truly genius proposal... he was a down right ROMANTIC.

DO SOMETHING ROMANTIC TODAY FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

They will remember it forever!

the family dynamic.

something funny happens when you lose the love of your life and then God teaches you to love again.

you gain another family.

and yet you keep the ones you had before.

this is clearly evident with me and the seays and sirmeyers.

john's family. ryan's family.

and let me go ahead and make a statement. a praise of how THANKFUL I am that I still have the seays in my life. many widows I know have lost their late love's families during the process and sometimes for just plain selfish reasons. for instance blame. sometimes families need to blame someone for their loss and their significant other seems like a good direction to point a finger. Or sometimes they find it too painful of a reminder to associate themselves with that person anymore. But, why wouldn't you want to keep that connection.

The connection I had with John is unlike any connection anyone else had with him. period.

No one will ever know that side of John but me.

it's the privilege you have being their other half.

you get let in.

to that special side of them.

that's one of the reason's why romantic relationships are so special.

and so, to disconnect yourself from that person and completely disconnecting yourself from a side of your child that you'll never get to know. Especially since they only shared it with that person. that person you are choosing to disconnect from.

I don't see how someone could build bonds with a person and then cut them off in their most time of need.

It's like losing more than one person.

It's like the death of a whole family and not just that one person.

I feel for those people. Those men and women who are left to grieve without their loved ones and that connection to them.

And I feel bad for the families that decide they don't need that connection anymore.

So. I am grateful.

And my plate is full.

I went and visited John's mom and nephews yesterday. My nephews. They are a lot of fun... the older they get the more fun... and crazy! I got there early before picking up the boys from daycare to help John's mom with some cleaning. (i don't ever mind doing things for them because they have TONS for me). Then I picked up the boys and played, ate dinner, played some more, gave them a bath, read them a book and had an exhausting time putting them down for bed. But I enjoyed all of it. And Ryan joined me at the end around bathtime... and although I know John would love to be there helping with his nephews.. I am glad Ryan gets to experience it. He has one brother and no nephews or nieces yet. So, it's good for him.

Later that night he said that I was going to be a good mom.

I felt so warm inside after that comment.

And then immediately had a great feeling of wanting a baby.

LOL.

No worries. No babies for us anytime soon.

the balancing act of three families can be tiring.

I want to be there for everyone all the time.

but it's hard.

because...

1) distance

2) time

if it's not one of those elements it's the other.

i really wish my family lived closer to me. as in my brother and sisters. Vegas, Long Island and North Carolina are all too far for me.

as much as I make an effort to visit them all it isn't quite enough in my eyes.

i even hate to admit it but last time my sister, Kristi, came down we met only ONCE and she was here for two weeks.

and that's where TIME comes in.

Managing my time with friends and family is complicated.

oh yea... and slip that job in there too.

and then personal time. which sometimes i don't think i give myself enough of because i completely rely on the company of other's all the time.

and that's not really an all out bad thing.

i just like socializing.

i like company.

i like the presence of others.

and occasionally... i do not. but on rare occasion indeed.

but most of all I am enjoying the new found company of my new best friend, Ryan.

whom i am completely in love with.

and a big congrats to us for dating a whole 5 months! Although I feel like it's been way longer. i am enjoying it all... and also wishing our schedules wouldn't conflict so much so we could spend even more time together.

so with the addition of a relationship...

spending time with people became harder.

one relationship i feel a complete disconnect from is my best friend, Evan.

I don't think our relationship has been the same since John's death.

I kind of feel like I may have traumatized her a bit.... since she was there when his body was carried away in a bag.

and the other fact is I changed.

i had my time of unpleasantness.

and her life was going in an opposite direction.

she fell in love.

and i lost it.

two different directions.

and she latched on to others who more reflected where she was currently at in her life.

and now that my life is back in that direction i want to rekindle what once was there.

The other thing that stresses me out is I feel like in order to do anything with ANYONE ... I have to plan it.

always.

As much of a planner that I am ... sometimes I just hate it. I want OTHERS to do the planning. I want someone to be like "hey, im going to this lake on this date and do you wanna come." Or be like "hey, do you wanna get dinner one night? how about this night?" instead it's like "hey! let's meet up."

how ambiguous!!!

How about we figure it out now??

and not wait forever.

"oh i want to see you sometime soon..."

oh?

are you already booked all week?

do you need to pencil me in?

JUST DO IT ALREADY.

If you want to see me or if you want to call me or if you want to plan some kind of gathering... JUST DO IT.

and please.

spend time with your family.

because they are gold.

just some friendly advice.

disappointment

my pillow is soaking.

my feet are tingling.

It's one of those nights.

a bad one.

i have been carrying the stress of so many things on my back and have yet to lighten the load. my biggest problem right now is this roommate issue. once again i feel like i am being backed out on. i'm stuck in a corner. and i have absolutely no control. as much as i try to be helpful you really can only do so much on your own end. and the ball is out of my court.

tonight i cried for john. i shouted out for him in the tub once again. i leaned over the edge and in between the screams found myself dry heaving. this is what happens when i let myself get to upset. i lose control. and then the pain just takes over.

but i tell you what. i am disappointed in people. and mainly those who are my friends. once again i find myself having to reach out to others instead of being reached out too. it's sad when i put up a plea for help on facebook and 1 person calls and 3 people text. out of all those hundreds of friends. neat.

and then this afternoon i sent texts to almost half of my contacts. and it was just normal chat. probably got 2 responses back then too.

one of my friends admitted being consumed by themselves. and she had recently fallen out of my universe... and found another solar system. but at least she admitted it.

listen, people. stop being scared. just let go of your comfort zone. because let's be honest.... didn't i always make people get out of it anyway? it's obvious i am still very wounded and it's obvious that bringing up john is painful. but don't you DARE pretend like he didn't exist. John was my world. my moon and stars. he was/is a hug part of my life. he is the reason i am who i am today. why would you ignore that? many of my friends were also close with john. i mean, after all we were a pair. a team. attached at the hip. yet, it feels as if they have moved on easily. maybe they aren't expressing how they feel? and why not? i would WANT to know that John is still missed. that he is still thought of and admired and adored. and that the memories we shared are still being remembered by others.

i honestly feel as if i am trying as best i can right now and then find myself going out of MY way in order to get the company of a friend. i am reaching out daily and i am completely stunned out many have not responded to anything i say or send. is this intentional? are people trying to ignore me? ignore my pain=absence of pain in their lives. yes, go ahead and escape the fear. the death. i sure as hell wish i could. oh how lucky you are. to crawl into your happy places... safe and sound. taking advantage of what you had initially taken for granted. given a second chance to appreciate your world. and mine has been ruined for the cause.

where are the thanks in that?

where is my fucking medal?

i gave everyone a second chance.

and they can't even pick up a phone to call me and say "how are you?"

that's lame.

that's bullshit.

that's a bad friend.

it's exhausting. putting on this face every day for the world to see. making it comfortable for others. making myself hold back things in order to- god forbid- make others feel the slightest bit of feelings. i work my ass off day to day... i get home and open the door to a cat and a dog. and as much as everyone likes to say "well you have lily..."

i would trade 1,000 lilys to have john back.

i mean, how can you even compare the two?

i love animals. but it's a dog. it can't give me the love and joy that i had with john. it's not even slightly close.

so coming home to this emptiness sure isn't making it easier on me.

empty table. empty bed. empty couch. empty chairs.

empty.

empty.

empty.

empty heart and empty womb.

empty.

it starts to look weird when i write it over and over.

it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

i need sleep.

i sure hope everyone takes a time to reflect on how awesome their lives are. and after that why dont you give me a call? thanks.

in darkness and in light

I have a friend.
A best friend.
We met for lunch today.
It was our usual post FMEA lunch we do.
But I knew this one would be different.
Because since April our relationship has been different.
Now I had made it to the restaurant early and found myself on the phone with a friend from college. And it was a great conversation... and at the end there were tears as I told her the details of John's death she had been unaware of. I guess there are still many who don't know. Which bothers me. How can my friends talk to me and move through many conversations and not know exactly what happened to John. That would be something I would HAVE to know. I mean, what do they THINK happened is what gets me.
Anyway, conversation ends and I hang up. I cry. Wipe tears.
Best friend walks in...
We sit. Order our drinks and then we say our words.
Except she has the floor.
She mentions how we have been distanced from each other since John's death. True.
She mentions how I am bitter. True
She also brings up things that in my mind... I am unaware of. sort of. I mean, I figured it happens sometimes... but she really lays it down.
I'm mean. I'm distant. I don't ask about anyone else's lives.
And Im floored.
And I crying and sobbing.
This cannot happen.
I refuse to lose my best friend.
Why?
Because I love her. Because I need her. Because she fills in the gaps of what I am missing. Because she makes me laugh. Because she was there for everything. Because she is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. Because I honestly CANNOT live without her. And because I know that John would hate for us to lose our amazing relationship because he left Earth.
John loved her and cared for her.
He always made sure her and I kept a strong relationship.
It was important to him that I never lose those bonds.
And now I know why.
Because one day.... when you least expect it... you could lose your John.
And all you have left are those friends. Those anchors.
That keep you in place during a strong tide of your life.
And God help you if you lose those friendships during your relationship. And what a lonely road to walk alone.
But I will not.
Because she will not let me.
And neither will others.

Valentines Day two years ago I made a collage for her... and a quote... that I never knew would have the immense relevance that it does today...
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

And then I wrote: "To a friend I would walk with in light or darkness."

Because it's true.
And now here I am. In my darkness.
And she is still walking with me.
And I could have lost her.
But she chose to stay the course and help me.
And when I gave her that... I didn't expect for the darkness to come to my life so suddenly. I was perfectly happy walking in my light. But luckily I still had her then... and many others.

I just don't want to lose people because I scare them away.
Because I am not pleasant.
Because I am rude or bitter.
Please allow me to cry. Please listen to my stories about John. Please know that I am doing everything in my power to live day to day without breaking down.
Getting out of bed has been a big feat!

But forgive me, everyone, if I had done or said something stupid.
Because the last thing I want to do is lose you.

I could always use a hand to hold while I was in this darkness.