the family dynamic.

something funny happens when you lose the love of your life and then God teaches you to love again.

you gain another family.

and yet you keep the ones you had before.

this is clearly evident with me and the seays and sirmeyers.

john's family. ryan's family.

and let me go ahead and make a statement. a praise of how THANKFUL I am that I still have the seays in my life. many widows I know have lost their late love's families during the process and sometimes for just plain selfish reasons. for instance blame. sometimes families need to blame someone for their loss and their significant other seems like a good direction to point a finger. Or sometimes they find it too painful of a reminder to associate themselves with that person anymore. But, why wouldn't you want to keep that connection.

The connection I had with John is unlike any connection anyone else had with him. period.

No one will ever know that side of John but me.

it's the privilege you have being their other half.

you get let in.

to that special side of them.

that's one of the reason's why romantic relationships are so special.

and so, to disconnect yourself from that person and completely disconnecting yourself from a side of your child that you'll never get to know. Especially since they only shared it with that person. that person you are choosing to disconnect from.

I don't see how someone could build bonds with a person and then cut them off in their most time of need.

It's like losing more than one person.

It's like the death of a whole family and not just that one person.

I feel for those people. Those men and women who are left to grieve without their loved ones and that connection to them.

And I feel bad for the families that decide they don't need that connection anymore.

So. I am grateful.

And my plate is full.

I went and visited John's mom and nephews yesterday. My nephews. They are a lot of fun... the older they get the more fun... and crazy! I got there early before picking up the boys from daycare to help John's mom with some cleaning. (i don't ever mind doing things for them because they have TONS for me). Then I picked up the boys and played, ate dinner, played some more, gave them a bath, read them a book and had an exhausting time putting them down for bed. But I enjoyed all of it. And Ryan joined me at the end around bathtime... and although I know John would love to be there helping with his nephews.. I am glad Ryan gets to experience it. He has one brother and no nephews or nieces yet. So, it's good for him.

Later that night he said that I was going to be a good mom.

I felt so warm inside after that comment.

And then immediately had a great feeling of wanting a baby.

LOL.

No worries. No babies for us anytime soon.

the balancing act of three families can be tiring.

I want to be there for everyone all the time.

but it's hard.

because...

1) distance

2) time

if it's not one of those elements it's the other.

i really wish my family lived closer to me. as in my brother and sisters. Vegas, Long Island and North Carolina are all too far for me.

as much as I make an effort to visit them all it isn't quite enough in my eyes.

i even hate to admit it but last time my sister, Kristi, came down we met only ONCE and she was here for two weeks.

and that's where TIME comes in.

Managing my time with friends and family is complicated.

oh yea... and slip that job in there too.

and then personal time. which sometimes i don't think i give myself enough of because i completely rely on the company of other's all the time.

and that's not really an all out bad thing.

i just like socializing.

i like company.

i like the presence of others.

and occasionally... i do not. but on rare occasion indeed.

but most of all I am enjoying the new found company of my new best friend, Ryan.

whom i am completely in love with.

and a big congrats to us for dating a whole 5 months! Although I feel like it's been way longer. i am enjoying it all... and also wishing our schedules wouldn't conflict so much so we could spend even more time together.

so with the addition of a relationship...

spending time with people became harder.

one relationship i feel a complete disconnect from is my best friend, Evan.

I don't think our relationship has been the same since John's death.

I kind of feel like I may have traumatized her a bit.... since she was there when his body was carried away in a bag.

and the other fact is I changed.

i had my time of unpleasantness.

and her life was going in an opposite direction.

she fell in love.

and i lost it.

two different directions.

and she latched on to others who more reflected where she was currently at in her life.

and now that my life is back in that direction i want to rekindle what once was there.

The other thing that stresses me out is I feel like in order to do anything with ANYONE ... I have to plan it.

always.

As much of a planner that I am ... sometimes I just hate it. I want OTHERS to do the planning. I want someone to be like "hey, im going to this lake on this date and do you wanna come." Or be like "hey, do you wanna get dinner one night? how about this night?" instead it's like "hey! let's meet up."

how ambiguous!!!

How about we figure it out now??

and not wait forever.

"oh i want to see you sometime soon..."

oh?

are you already booked all week?

do you need to pencil me in?

JUST DO IT ALREADY.

If you want to see me or if you want to call me or if you want to plan some kind of gathering... JUST DO IT.

and please.

spend time with your family.

because they are gold.

just some friendly advice.