Us Against the World... and other Summer stories

Summer is moving right along.
Here we are in July.
I feel relaxed this summer. I do not feel rushed or stressed. I feel like I have had a good summer so far. Even though it hasn't been my most exciting summer of being swept off my feet to exotic continents like Central America and Europe... I am enjoying this time.
I guess the part I am not a fan of is when Ryan has to work all day.
It's no fun not to have him around in the afternoon.
I occupy myself by doing LOTS of errands and spending time with friends I do not get to see on a regular basis.
Summer is expensive.
You try to spend your time by being creative or busy. And most of the time that costs money.
So.
After awhile that gets hard.

My summer has been filled with a few awesome moments so far.

First, I got to see my dear friend get married.
It was a destination wedding on a cruise...which was a perfect excuse to take a cruise. I am glad I let go of things before I went on the cruise. I had previously been holding on to some grudges due to the fact that I wasn't involved in the wedding or asked to be a bridesmaid. I was extremely hurt in the beginning. Even my family didn't get it. But in the end I had to let it go. I obviously had to move on and let it be. Sometimes our journeys in life take us different directions... different paths... but I have this feeling deep inside that eventually the paths will meet again. I feel the connection between me and my friend are already being mended. I think we have reached a point where we can start building again and that's good for me right now. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. I don't need her acceptance anymore. I am perfectly content with watching her live her life completely and utterly happy. Because it really does make me happy too. I am always here for her if she needs me. Because I have made a vow to be a friend no matter what. And I am not breaking that vow anytime soon.
The good thing about being friends with me is that I am one hell of a fighter.
I will fight for your friendship.
And I will fight for you everyday.
Maybe not physically (unless you really do need that) but I am there for you. In your corner. Always.

Weddings are getting easier.
I have fun and i enjoy them again.
Did I cry?
Come on, don't you know who I am???
Yes.
Did I have a melt down?
No.
Do I still get envious?
Yes, I do.
But I also know that my time will eventually come with Ryan. I know we have a great relationship and when it's our turn... it's going to be amazing ;)

I got to see one of my all time favorite bands perform!!!
I bought tickets to see Coldplay awhile ago in Tampa... and the moment had finally arrived.
IT WAS THE BEST CONCERT EVER.
Better than Muse and I believe better than Lady Gaga. It was incredible. They really know how to put on a performance.
I was out of my seat almost the entire time.
I was singing to every song.
I even cried.
I have never cried at a concert but when they played "Fix You" I just lost it.
When John died my friend send me an acapella version of that song and well, my feelings about it have never quite been the same.
Then they had these wrist bands you put on that light up for certain parts of the show and when it happened it was absolutely MAGICAL. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Here's a video of it:

On the ride home I spoke with Ryan about one of the songs they sang off their new album. I played it for him and asked if he thought it could be our "first dance" song when we get married. He said he thought it was a great idea. It's called "Us Against the World" and I think it's appropriate for our situation... and it's gorgeous... like most of Coldplay's music anyway.
(I know what you are thinking... we are talking about MARRIAGE??? Well, duh. I am going to marry this man. And if you need to know any reasons just please keep in mind that he puts up with a blubbering widow who keeps a blog about her constant love affair with her dead fiance.)

Ryan took a trip for his job up to Maryland and I had a couple days on my own.
I am also getting better at this too.
Although I am still slightly miserable when I am completely on my own I am LIGHT YEARS away from where I was two years ago.
You know, the months and months where I couldn't sleep alone.
My one thing is I still can't sleep alone in the complete dark.
Although I do remember once I was comfortable with this I still get slightly freaked out and leave the bathroom light on when Ryan is away.
I did, however, take Lily with me to the airport to pick him up. It was pretty adorable. She was very popular, that white fluffy dog, at the airport. And Ryan was surely surprised.

I did have a moment at the airport.
I thought I saw John.
He was coming out of the terminal... well, his look alike... which in the end looks NOTHING like him.
I guess my mind still plays tricks on me.
Cruel mean tricks that is.
I got a little sad when it happened.
It hasn't happened in awhile.
In fact I can't even remember the last time it has.

I have actually quite a few "moments" this summer.
I think anytime I have long periods alone is a recipe for disaster.
ESPECIALLY when I watched the Notebook the other day. Make as much fun as you want about that movie... for someone who has lost someone... it's a meltdown to the max waiting to happen. So (like an idiot) I watched it alone the other day.
I had a night when Ryan wasn't here where I went through old photo albums and just sat and cried and cried.
It's a monthly pity party I have.
It's like a mental cleanse.
I still.... to this day... after 2 years...can't believe what happened on April 22, 2010.
I still have bits of denial.
I still have nightmares and panic.

I still lay next to Ryan in bed and watch his chest rise and fall to see if he is still breathing. Or touch his skin to make sure it's still warm.
I shake him sometimes in the middle of the night to wake him up if I worry he's been too still.
Poor Ryan.
The things he puts up with.
And he truly does love me.
Shaking and all.
He loves me.


All in all I have been enjoying my summer.
I would gladly have a permanent summer if I could.
Afford it that is.
But I have a secret too.

I miss teaching.

I know, I know.
After all that bitching and complaining I miss my work.
I miss what I do. I miss my kids (most of them).

But.

I think summer is still winning right now.

Coldplay Concert. June 2012. xoxo

1 year.

How does one go about recognizing their lost loved one on a d-day? death day. the day of their death.

i know there were many ways i could have gone about it. it was something that was on my mind constantly as the date approached. i had so many options.

i am guessing not many thought i would take a cruise with my current boyfriend.

but i guess that's ok.

because as I have stated before, there is no rule book for grief. it's a learning experience in which we all need to find our own path.

this photo was taken of me and John's dad on the way to his funeral...

I have contemplated what April 22, 2011 was going to have in store

for me.

Was I going to be washed away with an overflow of emotions? would i break down?

before Ryan came into the picture I had thought of spending the date with my family... and then after consideration... decided that it may not be the best choice. My family was first on the scene to pick me up on that darkest of days. To re-live that would be almost like having a second funeral. To sit around in sadness.... to relive that day over and over again. A day which i re-live almost everyday anyway. There isn't a thing in the world that can take away the picture of finding John in the bed... eternally sleeping. Nothing.

but if i could do anything to lessen the blow of April 22... going on a cruise with a new found love would probably be a good idea.

and it was.

and it was still painful.

and i am sure it isn't easy for Ryan.... for a couple reasons.

first, he hates to see me upset... and i know he feels helpless in that he cannot take back what has happened or even give back what was taken. And second, he shares me. He shares my love with someone who isn't even alive. but, none the less... my heart has been divided into parts in which he is just one. (now granted a big one now)

now.

a few months ago... actually a while ago... i wrote out in detail ALL the things that had happened THAT day. that dark day.

from walking into the room to the sirens and the screams... to the coroners to the funeral...

and I have been telling myself I will publish it so others can fully understand. but i just can't seem to do it. and i thought i would on the anniversary. but once again i am holding back. perhaps I never will share all those details. perhaps they are meant for me... and perhaps they are things you don't want to hear. but then again, there is always this part inside of us... deep inside of us... that longs to know... what REALLY happened and how did it all unfold.

i am telling you now.

right here and now.

it's something i wouldn't wish upon my most evil of enemies.

because there is just something so raw about it.

something so tormenting to the heart and soul... to see the love of your life dead in front of you. cold, stiff body and unfamiliar face.

the person you left was not the person you came home to.

and then sometimes i am like... "is this seriously the hand i was given?"

and we can go back to the "unfair" game.

it's a game i know well.

my life is unfair.

and it's easy to get stuck in the unfair rut.

to think about nothing but all the bad things that have happened.

and neglect the wonderful things.

and i don't want to be in that spot.

i want to be able to look back on all the wonderful times i had with that wonderful man. that contagious laugh. that brilliant smile. those strong hands. the sweet soul. the strong heart.

funny how something so strong could be the thing that took him away.

a heart.

what has my life come down to after 1 year of grief?

what advice can I offer to a person just starting the journey?

1) dont rely on medication. just dont fucking do it. you WILL regret it, i promise. when it's time to get off of them (and you will want to... trust me) it will be a horrible experience that will make you feel worse than you did before. try other means before turning to drugs. drugs will not take the pain away. they will help numb you. but thats all they can offer.

2) dont follow the 7 steps of bullshit. grief doesn't follow steps. just like life doesn't always follow your well made out plans... just grieve the way you need to. no one but you understands how you feel no matter what people try and tell you.

3) stick close to your friends and family. THE REAL ONES. You will have those that are there momentarily and then you will have those that will stick with you the WHOLE time through. those are the ones that will carry you the furthest.

4) Pray. and don't stop. have people pray for you. if it is ever offered... take it.

5) Love God. as much as you can say you hate Him for taking away your love... He still loves YOU. it wasn't something personal against YOU. it's not a "lesson." it's just... life. as much as I cringe to think of it that way. there is no vendetta.

6) find someone that is going through the same thing as you. i found other young widows (and they found me)... seek out others who TRULY understand. If you lost your 25 year old fiance then it isn't always so helpful to talk to someone who lost their 80 year old grandma.

7) dont give up on living. life will move on with or without you.

8) try new things. this is the time in your life to experience something new and give your mind and soul a renewal. i took up photography and i changed jobs.

9) blog. write. sing. ... have a CREATIVE outlet in which you can release your inner thoughts other than spewing words to other's ears.

10) get away. go on vacation. take breaks. people need to get a fucking clue that you need time to yourself once in awhile. and if they can't accept that than really fuck them. i know from personal experience. ugh.

11) if people can't be happy for your happiness than they aren't worth your time. any moment of joy should be praised! if someone makes you feel guilty for having happy moments than they aren't being good friends.

12) laugh. just laugh.

13) cry. and cry a lot. it's totally fine. even in public. you DO NOT need to explain yourself. trust me, i tried it all the time... and why? i had no reason to. i don't have to validate my grief to strangers. they can get over it.

14) stay involved with your past life. although living in the past will hurt and there are things that WILL change... please do not DROP everything you once had. that means friends and family. favorite places and movies and music. those are still part of you. if things become too painful then tuck them away for a time when you are ready. i just recently started watching specific genres of movies i had taken a break from since John's death. but i missed them.

15) it's ok to love again. if you lost love, that is. don't let anyone tell you different. I know John would want that for me... i know he wouldn't want me to stay miserable and alone. he would want me taken care of and honestly I think he helped send Ryan my way :)

16) reach out to others. volunteer. do charity work. find others that need help. you may feel like you have it the worst.... but go out in the world and see that there may be others that have it even worse. now help them.

... that's it for now. im sure not the most SOUND advice. but advice none the less.

Lucky

I am back from my cruise.
What? You didn't know I was going on a cruise?
I went on a cruise with my friend Andi, also a widow. Her friend Gina came along with her mom. On December 5th it was supposed to be her 1 year wedding anniversary. So, to give her a distraction from the date we set sail to Mexico (where we literally spent like 30 minutes). HA.
Before I headed out on the cruise I had a couple people tell me how "lucky" I was.
I don't know if people realize what they are saying when that words pops out of their mouth. There is nothing lucky about my life right now. Yes, it's nice to have the opportunity to go out on a cruise at this point in my life and get away. But I definitely feel like one of the unluckiest girls in the world.
I have always had a hard time with the word lucky.
I go between it and the word blessed all the time.
Because I don't necessarily believe in luck.
Well, that was until John introduced me to gambling on our first cruise.
It was our first cruise together... I think we had been together for maybe a year. We did a 7 day cruise in the Caribbean. There was a casino on board and so far I had never experienced a casino before. Our first night there we tried out roulette and ended up losing $200. I remember how mad I was and going back to our room and crying. I grew up in a home where we didn't have a lot of money and to just gamble it off is absurd. John grew up in a much wealthier lifestyle but it still wasn't ok. John didn't fret like me. He was determined to get it back. And we did... we played Bingo the next day and won! Almost all of our money back in fact. Then on the last night of the cruise we played roulette and there was something happening... we got lucky. The number 8 was hot for us. It was both of our favorite numbers. We ended up leaving the cruise ahead (as far as gambling was concerned). In Vegas John did the very same thing. Lost some one night and then won big on the last day.
He was my lucky charm.
I remember one time I told John to pull over to a gas station because I was "feeling lucky." We bought a dollar scratch off and I won $10.
I used to win sooooooo many sweepstakes before I lost John. Sometimes I would call John and we would literally go "what did you win today?"

Ever since April 5, 2010 I have yet to have won anything. I had no luck in Vegas. I had no luck on the cruise. I have had no luck at all.
I lost my "luck."
Sometimes I feel like the unluckiest person ever. I get in a dark mindset and convince myself no one has it harder than me... even though I know it isn't true. Self pity is a powerful thing. As I sat at the roulette table two nights ago ...watching my chips slowly disappear... betting on that magic number 8 I so often trusted... I thought about John and how if he were there he would most likely know what to do. Or, he would have just told me to not do it at all. But part of me wanted to prove to myself that I still had it. A bit of luck myself. Luck that maybe John left me. But in the end I left the boat in the hole.
It didn't make matters better.

I am giving up on gambling and betting and anything that requires money in order to win. Without John it is a wasted game. I will still enter sweepstakes but I will never expect to get anything out of it anymore.

I am sure all the luck I once had has been passed to someone else. I wish I had it now... when I could use it most. Oh the things I could do with a little luck.
So, I now focus on the word blessed.
Perhaps I can be blessed by God... with something unexpected... something that requires no payment or buy in. Forget luck. I want to be blessed.