Us Against the World... and other Summer stories

Summer is moving right along.
Here we are in July.
I feel relaxed this summer. I do not feel rushed or stressed. I feel like I have had a good summer so far. Even though it hasn't been my most exciting summer of being swept off my feet to exotic continents like Central America and Europe... I am enjoying this time.
I guess the part I am not a fan of is when Ryan has to work all day.
It's no fun not to have him around in the afternoon.
I occupy myself by doing LOTS of errands and spending time with friends I do not get to see on a regular basis.
Summer is expensive.
You try to spend your time by being creative or busy. And most of the time that costs money.
So.
After awhile that gets hard.

My summer has been filled with a few awesome moments so far.

First, I got to see my dear friend get married.
It was a destination wedding on a cruise...which was a perfect excuse to take a cruise. I am glad I let go of things before I went on the cruise. I had previously been holding on to some grudges due to the fact that I wasn't involved in the wedding or asked to be a bridesmaid. I was extremely hurt in the beginning. Even my family didn't get it. But in the end I had to let it go. I obviously had to move on and let it be. Sometimes our journeys in life take us different directions... different paths... but I have this feeling deep inside that eventually the paths will meet again. I feel the connection between me and my friend are already being mended. I think we have reached a point where we can start building again and that's good for me right now. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. I don't need her acceptance anymore. I am perfectly content with watching her live her life completely and utterly happy. Because it really does make me happy too. I am always here for her if she needs me. Because I have made a vow to be a friend no matter what. And I am not breaking that vow anytime soon.
The good thing about being friends with me is that I am one hell of a fighter.
I will fight for your friendship.
And I will fight for you everyday.
Maybe not physically (unless you really do need that) but I am there for you. In your corner. Always.

Weddings are getting easier.
I have fun and i enjoy them again.
Did I cry?
Come on, don't you know who I am???
Yes.
Did I have a melt down?
No.
Do I still get envious?
Yes, I do.
But I also know that my time will eventually come with Ryan. I know we have a great relationship and when it's our turn... it's going to be amazing ;)

I got to see one of my all time favorite bands perform!!!
I bought tickets to see Coldplay awhile ago in Tampa... and the moment had finally arrived.
IT WAS THE BEST CONCERT EVER.
Better than Muse and I believe better than Lady Gaga. It was incredible. They really know how to put on a performance.
I was out of my seat almost the entire time.
I was singing to every song.
I even cried.
I have never cried at a concert but when they played "Fix You" I just lost it.
When John died my friend send me an acapella version of that song and well, my feelings about it have never quite been the same.
Then they had these wrist bands you put on that light up for certain parts of the show and when it happened it was absolutely MAGICAL. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Here's a video of it:

On the ride home I spoke with Ryan about one of the songs they sang off their new album. I played it for him and asked if he thought it could be our "first dance" song when we get married. He said he thought it was a great idea. It's called "Us Against the World" and I think it's appropriate for our situation... and it's gorgeous... like most of Coldplay's music anyway.
(I know what you are thinking... we are talking about MARRIAGE??? Well, duh. I am going to marry this man. And if you need to know any reasons just please keep in mind that he puts up with a blubbering widow who keeps a blog about her constant love affair with her dead fiance.)

Ryan took a trip for his job up to Maryland and I had a couple days on my own.
I am also getting better at this too.
Although I am still slightly miserable when I am completely on my own I am LIGHT YEARS away from where I was two years ago.
You know, the months and months where I couldn't sleep alone.
My one thing is I still can't sleep alone in the complete dark.
Although I do remember once I was comfortable with this I still get slightly freaked out and leave the bathroom light on when Ryan is away.
I did, however, take Lily with me to the airport to pick him up. It was pretty adorable. She was very popular, that white fluffy dog, at the airport. And Ryan was surely surprised.

I did have a moment at the airport.
I thought I saw John.
He was coming out of the terminal... well, his look alike... which in the end looks NOTHING like him.
I guess my mind still plays tricks on me.
Cruel mean tricks that is.
I got a little sad when it happened.
It hasn't happened in awhile.
In fact I can't even remember the last time it has.

I have actually quite a few "moments" this summer.
I think anytime I have long periods alone is a recipe for disaster.
ESPECIALLY when I watched the Notebook the other day. Make as much fun as you want about that movie... for someone who has lost someone... it's a meltdown to the max waiting to happen. So (like an idiot) I watched it alone the other day.
I had a night when Ryan wasn't here where I went through old photo albums and just sat and cried and cried.
It's a monthly pity party I have.
It's like a mental cleanse.
I still.... to this day... after 2 years...can't believe what happened on April 22, 2010.
I still have bits of denial.
I still have nightmares and panic.

I still lay next to Ryan in bed and watch his chest rise and fall to see if he is still breathing. Or touch his skin to make sure it's still warm.
I shake him sometimes in the middle of the night to wake him up if I worry he's been too still.
Poor Ryan.
The things he puts up with.
And he truly does love me.
Shaking and all.
He loves me.


All in all I have been enjoying my summer.
I would gladly have a permanent summer if I could.
Afford it that is.
But I have a secret too.

I miss teaching.

I know, I know.
After all that bitching and complaining I miss my work.
I miss what I do. I miss my kids (most of them).

But.

I think summer is still winning right now.

Coldplay Concert. June 2012. xoxo

You'll Never Walk Alone

I can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.

It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:

MYNWA

or listen to the Madison scouts version:

Madison Scouts

...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.

The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over.

So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing.

why do the lyrics speak to me?

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone

So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true.

I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need.

everyone is different when they are upset.

some run from their problems.

some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.

some turn on themselves or others.

i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.

my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?

i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.

im going to go ahead and say he's awesome.

because he is.

and i never doubted it.

but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.

will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."

because i know i am not your average girl anymore.

i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.

i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.

if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what??

ugh.

WHERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS TO DATING AFTER LOSING????

Can someone please tell me.

Can i get some answers pronto please?

why do i have to do this on my own?

with my crazy brain.

which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil.

I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through.

he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.

the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.

he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better.

blog music

if you know me... and if you knew john....
you would know that music was a HUGE part of our lives. It was what brought us together after all. It was a strong connection in our relationship and still is. Even when i hear new music I will somehow connect to John... even though he never got a chance to hear it. Which also saddens me. I wish John could hear some of the music I have discovered since he died.
I wish he could go with me to see Muse or the National next month.
I wish he could watch me belt out Regina Spektor in the car. (he loved to watch me sing)
I wish he could hear the lyrics, the melodies and harmonies which i have been discovering. And I wish he could poke fun at the awful music out on the radio right now.

My blog has music.
If you haven't heard it... turn on your speakers.
It's a specific set list.
And I want to explain why each song has meaning to me.
The list changes constantly. I am adding songs weekly... and taking some off that I feel are no longer relevant. But most stay. Because I consider them the soundtrack of my life.

"Us" by Regina Spektor-- I found Regina after John died. It was through Pandora... and I fell in love with her. She really spoke to me during a hard time. I fell in love with "Us" because of the beautiful piano line and her amazing, clear voice. The lyrics are poetic. I am also in love with her songs called "Machine" and "Eet"

"Hallelujah" and "Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright--- were introduced to me by my best friend, Evan, right after John's passing. I just remember us driving to Tallahassee and playing "Oh What a World" as loud as possible and belting every word. I learned every lyric after listening to it once. It's magical.

"Hoppipolla" by Sigur Ros--- just because a song is in a different language doesn't mean it can't speak to you. Because the moment I heard this one on the Sigur Ros CD the day it came out I couldn't stop listening to it. Then they put it on the movie preview for Earth and it blew my mind away again.

"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel-- John introduced me to this band when we first started dating. He used to sing this song to me and as I have posted before... drew a picture of us... on an aeroplane over the sea while shouting out he loved me. This was early in the relationship but even from the very beginning he was deeply, madly in love with me. And I was smitten. This was our love song.

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by death cab for a cutie-- this song has very depressing lyrics. But after John died... I really felt them. My biggest fear was being separated from John. And I knew that one day if we had to die.... I wanted to die old together. But, that wasn't the plan. I assume. So, as much as I would follow him into the dark... I know He (God) and he (John) both have bigger plans for me. This is my hope in my heart.

"First Breath After a Coma" by Explosions in the Sky--- ironically the brother of my late band director got me interested in this band. This is a gorgeous song. No lyrics. But it expresses the title PERFECTLY.

"Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor--- more of her because I love her

"So Far Around the Bend" by the National--- John's sister, Annie, got me hooked on this band and now we are going to see them next week. This is by far my favorite song by them. It's touching.

"Transatlanticism" by death cab for a cutie-- probably one of my favorite songs of all time. Death cab has some of the most poetic lyrics I have ever heard. The one line "i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat" touches me. I get it. If I could row over to John just across a lake I would, But I am in the moat... and he is in the castle... and I cannot reach him.... although I know he is there. I will row in circles for the rest of my life waiting to see his face again. At the end where it just repeats "i need you so much closer" makes me bawl every time. I need John back.... I really do...

"Set the fire to the third bar" by snow patrol-- ok, everyone knows their hit from the radio but I like the not very well known snow patrol.. I actually heard this song on the movie preview for Dear John (a few months before John's death) and I liked it so much I downloaded it when I got home. the line that hits me the most: "i wish someone woul pick up me up from the cold ground and set me in your warm arms." there are times where i am laying in bed at night... or crying in the tub while taking a shower... or just sitting on the floor in my apartment crying... and I wish I could be picked up and placed back into John's comforting arms. there was nothing more comforting than being held by John. nothing.

"true affection" by the blow-- have to admit I just like the song

"holy, holy, holy" by sufjan stevens --- beautiful version of the song by one of my favorite male singers of all time.

"a million parachutes" by sixpence none the richer-- I have been listening to this band since I was in middle school. I used to put their songs on repeat when I went to sleep at night. for some reason this song became one of my all time favorites. i love how she describes the snow and the things she misses. i feel the same way when i describe my longing for John,

"ave maria" by the cranberries and pavaroti--- perfect.

"i love how you love me" by jeff mangum-- the lead singer from neutral milk hotel sings our song. this is THE song that John proposed to me to. this is the song he played for me whenever we went to weddings... it was our song and it was perfect. just like John.

"such great heights" by postal service-- i admit I always felt like john and I were waving from such great heights. i felt like our relationship soared above everyone else and others wanted us to come down. and now here I am. knocked back down to earth... without my soulmate.

"reciting the airships" by eluvium--- found this band while listening to Pandora in NC. Fell in love with them. one of my favs.

"fix you" by coldplay--- because I wish someone could really fix me.

"may angels lead you in" by jimmy eat world -- "a heart so big... God wouldn't let it live..." lyrics that strike me to the core.

"the blower's daughter" by Damien Rice-- love Damien. love his voice and his music. and i love this song the most. "can't get my mind off of you...." obvious one.

"never going back again" by fleetwood mac--- I grew up on Fleetwood thanks to my dad. John wasn't so familiar with them. so, when I played their best hits for him he really LOVED this song (and Tusk) and would constantly play it over and over on itunes.

"the funeral" by band of horses -- a random girl in the bar at Harry Potter World suggested this band to me and I found this song.

"wake up" by the arcade fire--- when going to Europe this was the ONLY album John had on his iphone and we would listen to it EVERY DAY for 3 weeks. yet, i never grew tired of it. There was always time for arcade fire.

"LOVE" by Frank--- the song we danced to a couple days before John's death. one of the most memorable moments in our love life. fiance and fiance. in love. dancing in the bedroom.

"Creep" by Radiohead--- I love this remake of the song... esp. when they curse. i dunno why. it just helps me let out some aggression i guess.

"the winner is" by devotchka--- one of my fav bands. i will never forget john telling me that marc zivica's cousin was the lead singer. i about lost it!!!

"across the universe" by fiona apple-- best version of the song IMPO... better than the original by the beatles even

"aqueous Transmission" by Incubus-- this was the friend song in college. the girls (me, brandy, rachel and evan) would get together and sing this all the time. but, i still feel like the lyrics are relevant to my life even today.

"float on" by modest mouse--- john loved modest mouse. old modest mouse. and this song is popular for a reason. because it's great. and anytime i hear a modest mouse song I think of him. in our earlier dating days....

"videotape" by radiohead--- after TCI did the show called Videotape... I was mildly obsessed with this song and so was John. this show helped re-amp our Radiohead love. we reconnected with the band and found a new love for their music past and present.






anyway, without music... i don't think i could be truly able to feel like i have expressed myself. music is my outlet. and it allows me to feel. to feel everything from pain to pleasure. music touches every aspect of my life. and to share that with someone is very special. peaking into someone's music choices is really peaking into their soul. you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. because at some point they decided that particular music spoke to them. and therefore, music speaks for us when we cannot.