blog music

if you know me... and if you knew john....
you would know that music was a HUGE part of our lives. It was what brought us together after all. It was a strong connection in our relationship and still is. Even when i hear new music I will somehow connect to John... even though he never got a chance to hear it. Which also saddens me. I wish John could hear some of the music I have discovered since he died.
I wish he could go with me to see Muse or the National next month.
I wish he could watch me belt out Regina Spektor in the car. (he loved to watch me sing)
I wish he could hear the lyrics, the melodies and harmonies which i have been discovering. And I wish he could poke fun at the awful music out on the radio right now.

My blog has music.
If you haven't heard it... turn on your speakers.
It's a specific set list.
And I want to explain why each song has meaning to me.
The list changes constantly. I am adding songs weekly... and taking some off that I feel are no longer relevant. But most stay. Because I consider them the soundtrack of my life.

"Us" by Regina Spektor-- I found Regina after John died. It was through Pandora... and I fell in love with her. She really spoke to me during a hard time. I fell in love with "Us" because of the beautiful piano line and her amazing, clear voice. The lyrics are poetic. I am also in love with her songs called "Machine" and "Eet"

"Hallelujah" and "Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright--- were introduced to me by my best friend, Evan, right after John's passing. I just remember us driving to Tallahassee and playing "Oh What a World" as loud as possible and belting every word. I learned every lyric after listening to it once. It's magical.

"Hoppipolla" by Sigur Ros--- just because a song is in a different language doesn't mean it can't speak to you. Because the moment I heard this one on the Sigur Ros CD the day it came out I couldn't stop listening to it. Then they put it on the movie preview for Earth and it blew my mind away again.

"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel-- John introduced me to this band when we first started dating. He used to sing this song to me and as I have posted before... drew a picture of us... on an aeroplane over the sea while shouting out he loved me. This was early in the relationship but even from the very beginning he was deeply, madly in love with me. And I was smitten. This was our love song.

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by death cab for a cutie-- this song has very depressing lyrics. But after John died... I really felt them. My biggest fear was being separated from John. And I knew that one day if we had to die.... I wanted to die old together. But, that wasn't the plan. I assume. So, as much as I would follow him into the dark... I know He (God) and he (John) both have bigger plans for me. This is my hope in my heart.

"First Breath After a Coma" by Explosions in the Sky--- ironically the brother of my late band director got me interested in this band. This is a gorgeous song. No lyrics. But it expresses the title PERFECTLY.

"Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor--- more of her because I love her

"So Far Around the Bend" by the National--- John's sister, Annie, got me hooked on this band and now we are going to see them next week. This is by far my favorite song by them. It's touching.

"Transatlanticism" by death cab for a cutie-- probably one of my favorite songs of all time. Death cab has some of the most poetic lyrics I have ever heard. The one line "i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat" touches me. I get it. If I could row over to John just across a lake I would, But I am in the moat... and he is in the castle... and I cannot reach him.... although I know he is there. I will row in circles for the rest of my life waiting to see his face again. At the end where it just repeats "i need you so much closer" makes me bawl every time. I need John back.... I really do...

"Set the fire to the third bar" by snow patrol-- ok, everyone knows their hit from the radio but I like the not very well known snow patrol.. I actually heard this song on the movie preview for Dear John (a few months before John's death) and I liked it so much I downloaded it when I got home. the line that hits me the most: "i wish someone woul pick up me up from the cold ground and set me in your warm arms." there are times where i am laying in bed at night... or crying in the tub while taking a shower... or just sitting on the floor in my apartment crying... and I wish I could be picked up and placed back into John's comforting arms. there was nothing more comforting than being held by John. nothing.

"true affection" by the blow-- have to admit I just like the song

"holy, holy, holy" by sufjan stevens --- beautiful version of the song by one of my favorite male singers of all time.

"a million parachutes" by sixpence none the richer-- I have been listening to this band since I was in middle school. I used to put their songs on repeat when I went to sleep at night. for some reason this song became one of my all time favorites. i love how she describes the snow and the things she misses. i feel the same way when i describe my longing for John,

"ave maria" by the cranberries and pavaroti--- perfect.

"i love how you love me" by jeff mangum-- the lead singer from neutral milk hotel sings our song. this is THE song that John proposed to me to. this is the song he played for me whenever we went to weddings... it was our song and it was perfect. just like John.

"such great heights" by postal service-- i admit I always felt like john and I were waving from such great heights. i felt like our relationship soared above everyone else and others wanted us to come down. and now here I am. knocked back down to earth... without my soulmate.

"reciting the airships" by eluvium--- found this band while listening to Pandora in NC. Fell in love with them. one of my favs.

"fix you" by coldplay--- because I wish someone could really fix me.

"may angels lead you in" by jimmy eat world -- "a heart so big... God wouldn't let it live..." lyrics that strike me to the core.

"the blower's daughter" by Damien Rice-- love Damien. love his voice and his music. and i love this song the most. "can't get my mind off of you...." obvious one.

"never going back again" by fleetwood mac--- I grew up on Fleetwood thanks to my dad. John wasn't so familiar with them. so, when I played their best hits for him he really LOVED this song (and Tusk) and would constantly play it over and over on itunes.

"the funeral" by band of horses -- a random girl in the bar at Harry Potter World suggested this band to me and I found this song.

"wake up" by the arcade fire--- when going to Europe this was the ONLY album John had on his iphone and we would listen to it EVERY DAY for 3 weeks. yet, i never grew tired of it. There was always time for arcade fire.

"LOVE" by Frank--- the song we danced to a couple days before John's death. one of the most memorable moments in our love life. fiance and fiance. in love. dancing in the bedroom.

"Creep" by Radiohead--- I love this remake of the song... esp. when they curse. i dunno why. it just helps me let out some aggression i guess.

"the winner is" by devotchka--- one of my fav bands. i will never forget john telling me that marc zivica's cousin was the lead singer. i about lost it!!!

"across the universe" by fiona apple-- best version of the song IMPO... better than the original by the beatles even

"aqueous Transmission" by Incubus-- this was the friend song in college. the girls (me, brandy, rachel and evan) would get together and sing this all the time. but, i still feel like the lyrics are relevant to my life even today.

"float on" by modest mouse--- john loved modest mouse. old modest mouse. and this song is popular for a reason. because it's great. and anytime i hear a modest mouse song I think of him. in our earlier dating days....

"videotape" by radiohead--- after TCI did the show called Videotape... I was mildly obsessed with this song and so was John. this show helped re-amp our Radiohead love. we reconnected with the band and found a new love for their music past and present.






anyway, without music... i don't think i could be truly able to feel like i have expressed myself. music is my outlet. and it allows me to feel. to feel everything from pain to pleasure. music touches every aspect of my life. and to share that with someone is very special. peaking into someone's music choices is really peaking into their soul. you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. because at some point they decided that particular music spoke to them. and therefore, music speaks for us when we cannot.