2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

panacea, please

I AM SOOOO OVER FEELING LIKE CRAP.

I mean.
It's kind of my fault.

I haven't totally been following my bland, stupid diet. But I cut out a lot of stuff. I haven't had spaghetti in almost 2 months now. do you know how odd that is for me?! That I am deprived of the cheapest meal to make? Not to mention I make one mean pasta sauce... filled with lots of garlic... which is also a no-no when you have gastritis.
Coffee?
Non-existant.
:(
But luckily I have found out about the Caramel Apple Spice drink at Starbucks!!!! It's pretty much liquid crack. Order one next time you go and see for yourself. Thank goodness I bitched about coffee on my faceboook so my friend told me about it. Thanks, Lindsay. It's been helpful. but, I still miss coffee. I miss having options. I miss having the freedom.
I miss pizza.
Well, kind of.
I miss having the option to buy it when I am tired after a long day of school and I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "let's just get a pizza, damn it."

So.
I work hard all day.
And in my mind as I go through my dad I pump myself up by saying "just think, Autumn... only __ more classes until you get to go home and spend time with Ryan..."
And then today I am driving home and suddenly I feel so super dizzy I honestly consider pulling over. I make it home... it felt like an eternity to get there. Every red light was complete torture. I walk in the door and Ryan is there to greet me. And I pass him to go straight to the couch and collapse. And then the migraine/stomach aches begin. I threw up a couple times.
It's just horrible.
And i felt so bad because honestly all i want to do is spend time with ryan and he spends his time with me just taking care of me.
This is NOT what I consider quality time with each other.

I feel like I spend all my energy at school and by the end of the day I just running on fumes. That I have just enough to get to my house...and then commence the collapsing. I have just enough time to recuperate when the weekend comes... and when the week comes again I am exhausted.
Sometimes I contemplate what it would be like if i hadn't gone through the grief of john.
I am sure that this stomach issue would have never been an issue... at all.

My doctor the other day told me that what's happening is that I have not completely healed. That my body is still reacting to the grief. still dormant inside of my body. And when I stress... my body is my first warning sign... the first reactor to the tension. So, i am supposed to "relax" and "calm down." (um, band directors can do that????) she also told me i need to stop making doctor appts (and appointments for biopsies and ultrasounds). ... because that's also adding stress.
then she handed me a card for a counselor. it's still in my purse. i have it on my "to do list"
"call counselor"
i have been meaning to.
i am not avoiding it... i just dread the cost...and the time... and the re-hashing... exposing my tragedy again... making it fresh to someone new....


i have more things to work out.
for the sake of my body... which is yanking on my sleeve saying "we're not quite done yet..."

empire state of mind

HOLY BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life just went into overdrive.

mainly because i hit the august mark.

and i came back from my short lived vacation.

new york was great fun.

for some reason i got really excited to take my first plane ride with Ryan (even thought i hate flying...)

I think it was because I have someone to fly with again.

Someone's hand to squeeze on lift off or when there is turbulance.

someone to talk to and separate me from strangers that may sit by me.

ryan let me have the window seat.

I am so thankful he's understanding about this.

I mean, who really likes the middle seat anyway???

Ryan got to meet my sister. The NY sister, Raheann.

and her husband and in-laws.

i was so excited Ryan got to meet one of my siblings.

he had met Kristi.. but only for a short period of time.

This was actually quality time! I was very excited to show him off.. I am so proud of my new found relationship. I almost want to be like "see! look what I can do! Look how far I have come! I got a good one!!!"

Ryan and I went to the city twice.

He hasn't been since he was a young teenager.

I went last summer.

in a very opposite direction that I am currently in.

So, it was different going back to the city with Ryan. Mainly because this was a place I had been to with John... twice. And it was where we had spent our last vacation. I had actually thought he would propose to me in NY... and then a few days after we got back in 2010 he did.

It was actually a good time. We did different things i have never done before. honestly, in NYC you can go back many many times and still find new things to do.

This time I lucked out and got tickets to Jimmy Fallon!!!!!

I LOVE JF! I record EVERY show and sometimes will sit and watch 3-4 episodes at a time. :) We really lucked out when we went... well, part luck and part charm really.

We got to meet up with John's good friend, Billy, and his girlfriend while we were there and invited them to go to the show with us.

since they were running late i actually got to speak to one of the managers/producers and somehow talked my way into FRONT ROW SEATS!!!!!!!!

I got to see Jimmy up close and personal along with the Roots, Julianne Moore, Chris Katan, Dominick Cooper ....and... get this... BEYONCE!!!

It was soooo fun!!!! i hugged jimmy fallon and got his autograph. talked to the tuba player (mainly) from the roots, got teased by jimmy fallon, sat next to chris katan, waved and exchanged words with beyonce as she left the show and got some free perfume to boot :)

I know.. I was totally star struck.

But it was sooo fun.

Then the next few days were good... but a little rough because my stomach was causing big issues. My inflammation was on full blast the last two days we were there.

it really sucked because it cut down our second visit to the city and made me a total lame-o .. especially when my sister wanted to do stuff or go out.

i was glad that i had a chance to meet up with John's brother and sister-in-law though before we left.

and I am glad they got to meet Ryan.

I have really been doing my best to try and make sure everyone meets Ryan. I want people to see this person that brought the light back into my world. Who literally saved my life. And it's my family and John's family in which I value their opinions the most.

So far... Ryan's a hit :)

I mean obviously everyone is going to love him because they see how happy he makes me ... and that is what matters the most. People want to see me happy again.

And.

I am.

I hate that my vacation was semi-ruined by the fact that my stomach hates me.

When I got back I had a follow up appt. with my doctor and we went over my test results.

i can go ahead and praise God that there is no cancer.

I do have quite a bit of gastritis and some acid refulx which is causing the tightness in my throat. I also have a nodule in my thyroid that now has to be biopsied... and more blood work... and ANOTHER ultrasound.. this one on my stomach ( gallbladder area).

More tests.

And hopefully figuring out how to live normal again.

For now I can't eat or drink anything I like.

No chocolate.

No coke.

No tea.

No coffee.

No french fries.

Very strict.

Very bland.

But i give it up gladly in order to feel better again.

here's to feeling better!

Endoscopies and other fun things

So,

I got my endoscopy. Turns out that I have gastritis.

Now, that makes me sound like a really gassy person. But that's not what it is, folks. haha

It's basically in inflammation of the stomach lining. You can find out more about it here.

So.

No more soda. fuck.

no more tomato based anything. shit.

so.... THAT PIZZA AND COKE I HAD THE OTHER DAY... BAD IDEA!!! I went home and it felt like someone was taking scissors to my insides. gross. that was a weird analogy.

So I have my follow up appt. with my doctor on Aug. 1 and then we will talk about the endoscopy (they also took a biopsy) and my thyroid.

So, I guess these issues with my stomach and my thyroid have put a spike in my anxiety. I have been having some hard nights lately in the sleep department. Well, not like that has changed that much but I do feel like there was a period of a few months after John's death where I could actually sleep ok. In fact, sometimes I looked forward to it. Now, I dread sleep. If it weren't for Ryan I would never go to bed. I would be an insomniac.

Even times when I am completely exhausted my mind won't let me rest.

Last night I had a pretty bad panic attack.

I had a semi-dream (because I still kind of felt awake) that I was having a heart attack.

when I woke up I had sharp pains in my left arm.

Of course this makes the panic worse because that's a symptom of heart attack... but it's also a symptom of panic attack.

Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.

It's very traumatic... to go through this all the time.

And very exhausting.

I hate living in fear. Fear of death and how I will die.

fear that when I close my eyes to sleep I may never open them again... just like John.

so, i have been taking my clonazapem almost every night now.

It's something I haven't had to do much until recently.

I think it's the stress of starting a new job. Having to re-start my life again. You have to think... 4 schools in 5 years!!!! That's a lot of starting over. That's more schools than some will ever go through before they retire. I have been around. (school wise)

So, tonight I am going to let the Lunesta butterfly take me away and not deal with wondering if I am going to have anxiety or not. I will just sleep it through.

I long for a time when I feel free of this fear. free of anxiety and stress. free of worry.

I long to have dreams again of fancy free times and not wake up from nightmares where I lose John or where I am dying.

I think a first step towards establishing this new inner peace is praying MORE. I don't pray nearly enough and it's evident.

The other night I asked ryan to pray with me and he did... right before bed we held hands. And I felt a sense of relief after.

The other thing I need to do is relax more.

Tension runs in my family.

I have a high strung mom and dad. So, alas here I am.

I let EVERYTHING get to me. God picked the wrong person to be a widow.

So. Advice of stress relief is appreciated.

Yoga may be a start but I have had times when i am hanging in weird poses where I think I am gonna pass out... I rather have massages. But, then it's the money thing.

So.

How to de-stress on a budget????

All Dogs Go to Heaven

yesterday was a tough day. for me and Ryan.

When I walked to work yesterday I arrived early so I could spend a but of time with Ryan since I get out at midnight.

and I had a big sense of guilt.

because Ryan had to put down his beloved dog of 12 years, Tippy. And I wasn't there for him. Like he has been there for me ALL the time.

she was scheduled for her procedure at 4pm. Right when work starts for me.

Ryan and I met at CityWalk around 2:30 (even though he was supposed to get out at 2... figures) we didn't have much time together though because Ryan had to leave to meet his mom at the vet.

It was so heart breaking to see him so heart broken.

when he left i knew i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about him.

and if you know the kind of person I am... once something starts tapping on my brain I can't focus on anything else. but i tried... and i went into work.. and decided to kick back in the theater until it was time to clock in. But then my phone rang. It was my test results for my thyroid bloodwork and ultrasound. i had just gotten a call from my GI doc about this and they scheduled a follow up appt. so I was confused why my primary care physician was also calling. and apparently so were they.

but i figured since I had a second chance to get information I would squeeze it out of them.

the lady told me that my blood results were normal and everything was where it needed to be. but then she said there was a nodule on my thyroid.

and that was that.

You just can't tell a girl with high anxiety and an already troubled heart that she has some thyroid nodule and not explain anything.

So... the water works began.

The panic of not knowing what is going on with my body and the guilt of not being with my boyfriend during a hard time.

When I went and spoke with my supervisor about it he mentioned there were too many people at work and I could go.

yes, please.

I mean, it was embarassing enough that I was crying wherever I went. I couldn't imagine being able to actually assist guests and function.

so. i left.

and i hauled ass to make it over to Oveido where Ryan was with Tippy and his mom.

as i parked my car i felt extreme anxiety.

to be around death.

even if it's an animal.

an animal that i barely knew.

it's still death and it still gets to me.

I walked into the vet room just right after Tippy passed. Ryan and his mom were in tears.

and so was I.

it was so hard to see Tippy on the table lifeless and even harder to look at ryan's face.

He just lost a family member.

And as I have said before.... a loss... is a loss.

Human or pet.

When you lose a piece of your family it's a hard void to fill.

I remember when Karen and Bobby had to put down Zion. It was such a hard time in our family and it wasn't long after John died. If you re-read that entry you can see the sweet ways the girls remembered him... and I tried to use those same sweet things when reminding Ryan where Tippy's new place is.

With someone in heaven that needs a pet. With his grandmother, with my John...

Because in my heart I want to believe that animals will be in heaven with us. Why wouldn't they?

Because in my big mansion in heaven one day I am going to have lots of great danes... lots of birds (including peacocks and owls) and lots of malteses :)

R.I.P. Tipper

My heath, dad's health, Ryan's help.

Lets start off with a big THANK YOU JESUS to my dad's recent health news.
A couple of weeks ago my dad passed out on a Friday night at his house... I was told by my Aunt Larue he was out for about 15 minutes. being unconscious for that long is NO GOOD. My other aunt found him and called the ambulance.
Now... keep in mind that this happened on FRIDAY night.
When did Autumn get a phone call????
Sunday night.
My dad waited two days to tell me because he didn't want me freaking out.
i am the delicate flower after all.
everyone is very cautious with me.
and i understand.
i am an emotional volcano ready to explode at any moment.
i am by no means "dormant."
but.
you can't just hold off important information like that from me.
so, not only was I upset because my dad was in the hospital... but i was upset because it was kept from me.

I had to get all my updates from aunts, sisters, and brothers.
dad would never tell me anything directly.
apparently he may have suffered a mini stroke. that's what an aunt had said.. and a sister. but i am still not 100% sure.
he broke some ribs during his fall and had to get stitches in his foot and his finger.
What was supposed to be a couple days turned into ONE WEEK as doctors poked and proded to find out what had happened. Thank GOD everything came back ok.
His heart is fine.
His nervous system is fine.
Just a little high blood pressure... which i would expect from my stress ball of a dad.
And a bit of high cholesterol. which actually was surprising cause he's mr. "nutrition." or at least he comes off that way when he tells me i need to lose weight all the time.

it was such a stressful week for me.

my dad raised me my whole life.
he is IT.
he was the best man in my life until John.
and then until Ryan.
I am his baby girl.
i am his youngest.
he is my daddy.

and the last thing i needed was to lose someone else in my life.
i just know i can't handle it right now.
i just know it will crush me.

and so, I am thankful for the break.
I am thankful my dad is here and healthy and safe.
I really want to hold his arm when I walk down the aisle one day.
whenever that day may be....



and then there's me.
a wreck to say the least.
emotionally more than anything.
my anxiety and depression wears down on me all the time. it keeps me from sleeping, from eating healthy, from enjoying activities... it's a pain in the ass.
So when physical symptoms pose a problem.... i freak out.
I am VERY cautious of feelings of sickness now.
almost to an extreme.
but i do the best i can to eliminate things on my own.
lately i have been having a constricting, tight feeling in my throat.
it reminds me of my freshman year in college where i had trouble in my throat to the point of suffocating... and had to get a shot in my ass at the ER. it was a memorable night for me and the 5 friends that joined me at 2am the night before we left for the sugar bowl with chiefs.
but this time it isn't quite as extreme. i can breathe... but swallowing is a bit of a challenge.
it's on and off.
sometimes i get it and sometimes i don't. BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
and as much as i try and resist this... i turn to Google and webMD. WORST DECISIONS EVER. They will make you feel like you have the worst illness/disease ever. You will turn off your computer thinking you are dying.
so. i decided i am no expert and went to the doctor last night. just a walk in Urgent care.
After checking out my throat and ears they suggested a GI specialist... cause most likely it's my esophogas. (sp??) awesome.
but.. the doctor just asked if i wanted a steroid shot just in case.
i figured it work in college and it would work again.
wrong.
VERY PAINFUL SHOT.
no help for my throat.

so. now i have a tight throat and a throbbing ass. lovely.
My GI appt. is next week. I will keep you updated. I really hope
Ryan has been a saint during EVERYTHING. He went with me to LW to visit my dad... and didn't judge me for the town i grew up in. come on, lake wales has it's small town charm. i just couldn't ever live there again. ever.
he went back with me for father's dad to see my dad again since he wasn't supposed to be driving. well, supposed to be. obviously he didn't care because i heard through the grapevine he was driving the next day! dad!!!!!!
it was neat... having a three family father's day. it was somewhat like christmas... visiting one family after the next.
i guess i always wanted a big family.
and now i have it.

the morning started off with ryan's family and we had a grill out lunch with his parents and brother and his wife.
then we headed over to the Seays for a joint james and Matthew birthday and father's day. I love how comfortable Ryan is with John's family. it's a rare dynamic that we have in our lives but he totally gets why i love them so much. and they really like him too. (phew)
the last part of the day was spent in LW with my dad.
all in all it was a good day. as we rode home we both were rather happy. there's nothing like spending quality time with the people you love. and i got a lot of love that day. and i got to share that love with everyone. i love family.
and ryan turned to me and told me how much he enjoyed it too.
i think we both long for that family affection.
and i know we both look forward to starting our own one day.
but right now we are enjoying the family of us right now.
me and ryan.
i like our relationship.
i like where it's headed.
especially since as of sunday we are officially in ...
OUR VERY OWN PLACE!

We signed the lease and moved in on Sunday and even though it's a disaster with boxes everywhere and a ton of unpacking... it's our little 2 bedroom apartment bliss.
no more ghetto apartment complex with weird neighbors.
no more walking up three flights of stairs.

it's a much more peaceful atmosphere.
it a place that is "ours."

and although i am sure many people would be surprised i am moving in with someone after only 4 months of dating. but seriously, he moved in after month 1.
i guess i don't really care.
because it makes me happy.
and that's the part people should care about.

So this is the new year?

"So this is the new year? But I don't feel any different..."



-death cab for a cutie





It's 2011. This is a time I had been waiting for. It was supposed to start feeling better, right? But I have tricked myself again. Really it's just another day. I just have to start writing it differently on paper. Nothing has sped time up to get me past my grief. I am still here. I am still very much in pain and nothing makes you realize it more than ending a bad year without the one who could have made it all better. While the world clinked their glasses of champagne I watched with weepy eyes Dick Clark count down the seconds to what I feel should be my fresh start. I had water in my hand (I had already had enough to drink by this point). I felt bad for Dick Clark. Then I felt bad for myself. Pity party, table of one.

Thank goodness I had people here with me. I wouldn't have allowed myself to be alone. But honestly I don't know if ringing in a new year is going to make the difference yet. Because I still have to go through a lot of firsts still. And one day doesn't magically make it go away. But. I guess I can get in a different mind set.

I, like many, have my resolutions.

I am going to list them now. And I want to own up to them. I hate that I had to wait for Jan. 1st to start resolutions. I know you can make a choice to change your life any day of the year. But, I figured I needed a break.



1) Take care of ME- 2011 is all about ME, ME, ME. I am going to make myself HAPPY in any way possible. That means I may have to change some things about myself and try new life styles. But, so be it. That means I am going to start taking care of my body. I want to lose weight. I want to get healthy and feel comfortable in my clothes. I am going to join weight watchers again and start exercising.



2) Explore new things- I have already started with photography. Now, what I need is something else to keep me fairly busy. I wish I could afford more than I can currently. I wish I could take dance lessons or painting classes. Who knows, I am up for anything.



3) Work on myself emotionally- This part is going to take TIME. I am going to still allow myself to grieve daily and also allow myself to take in the happy. Smile. Laugh. And enjoy the pleasures in life.



4) I want to get off the meds!!!- Goodbye, Paxil. I am very dissapointed I ever started on medication. Although I do feel like it helped with the process it has numbed me. Not to mention ruined any of chance of me having an orgasm. (oops, did i just say that? lol)



5) Stay close to those who care- I want to stay close to my friends. I want to keep in better touch with them, call them, meet up with them, etc. My friends are my life support. If I lose them, I lose myself.



6) Get out of debt- being in debt only adds to the depression. It's another thing on my plate I don't want to worry about. I currently am about $6,000 in debt ( which I know is not a lot comapred to many) and I want it to be zero by the end of the year. I think I can do it. The first step is being taken tomorrow... by cutting up my credit cards (well. all but one. my emergency card. THAT I WILL USE FOR EMERGENCIES)

7) Love- I will love others and myself

8) Get sleep- honestly. I need this more than I thought. I want to be able to sleep in the dark without a light on... although that might take some time I think it will improve my sleep patterns.

9) Remember John- As if I could forget. I want to keep him remembered by all and honor the love we had.

10) Pray- I need to connect more and have a stronger relationship with God. I need to dive into the Word more often, try to attend church when I can, and pray daily.



I think all these resolutions are obtainable and reasonable. And I really think they will make 2011 a better year.
I guess anything can be better than 2010.

because I tend to worry....

I am sitting in the airport again.
And I am going to Vegas.
I should be more excited, right? Everyone wants to go to Vegas.... it's where all the cool kids go.
And it's not like I am not happy to see my sister. It's the highlight of the trip and all... but ... I still don't feel right. I have been sick for a few days now. My throat hurt, my head feels AWFUL... two migraines in a row.... stomach doesn't feel normal.... and I get lightheaded...
And I am super exhausted. I will be sleeping on the plane. Thats for sure.
I just wish I felt better. Then I would feel better about the trip.
But now I am about to get on a plane with more people. More germs. More sickness.

I feel like I have turned into a hypocondriac. I always feel like I am getting sick. But, it's not that. Because I AM getting sick more often.
I have been reading yet another one of my grief books and it says that people going through grief have a 25% less weakened immune system. Which scares the shit out of me. If John didn't die from a virus I wouldn't be like this. I would trust my body more. But, now I am always scared that I have something. I get nervous to go to sleep... I get nervous about taking naps... because I may never wake up. The nap John never woke up from. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I hate sleeping alone in my house. What if something happens to me??? And there is no one to help me.
But then again there were 5 people in the house when John slipped away silently.
I feel so weak. I feel so frail. I am a fragile human being. I am a complicated organism.... yet I am so delicate. I sometimes think about my heart just beating on it's own. My blood knows where to go. My organs know their role. My brain saves information and gathers data. Although it's not doing it's best in the memory department right now.
John's death opened my eyes to just how fragile life is... and how it can be taken away even when we sleep silently. We don't have to be in vehicle accident, or do something risky... God can take us whenever he likes and however he chooses. You can't escape death.
And that scares me.
And so when I am sick I get nervous and super cautious.
A big part of me wants to run to the emergency room at every symptom I come across. I want reassurance that i am going to be ok. That I have nothing to worry about. That I am healthy and will live a long life. That I will be happy again and find love again. That I won't always feel like this. Like I am living in some sort of twilight zone movie. This is my real life. This is really happening to me...

I looked through pictures the other day... in a photo album that sits by the door. Some from just a couple years ago. They were such genuine pictures. My smile were bright and true. My skin looked good... I looked healthy and happy.
I see pictures of me now and cringe. I look different.
I look tired.
I look fat.
I look like I am faking through most of them.
I look worn.
I look different.

The shine has left my face. The light has left my skin.
I do take occassional pictures where I look better. When I find my times of happiness. Like with the beluga whales, or when I see friends, or travel to st. pete. I have the capability to go back to that light-hearted person again. Don't I? Is that allowed in the widow game? I sure hope it is. I sure hope I can manage to make that happen. It's going to take work... to bring back my spirit after the Hell it's been put through. It's worn down. I have to dig deep and find it. And find myself in the process. What will I find in this journey? What will be in the road... should I fear what I will find? Will I find anything that will come close to filling in that empty hole that sits in my chest?


I am going to go ahead and board the plane now... it's another part of the journey...
to go to a place where I shared memories with the love of my life... and make new memories with my sister. To find a scoop of happiness and live off of that for as long as I can.



ilymtli

Doctor's Visits

Today I woke up and went to the doctor. To get a flu shot and have my throat checked out because swallowing lately has been a struggle. My neck and ears are throbbing. I get flu shots every year. Because I teach. So this is nothing new... but I have to admit that a sense of anxiety overwhelms me when I go to the doctor now. I go into the room and start to tell my symptoms... and next thing you know I am going on and on about how I lost John. And I end up crying. The nurse feels so helpless at this point. She assumed this was an easy stick to the arm and antibiotic prescription. Now here I am crying. Every symptom that comes up is now a flag. When I don't feel good I can't just ignore it. I have to make sure I am going to be ok. It's obnoxious really. Doctor visits will never be the same again. Not like they were ever easy before. After John died and I went to the hospital..Philip, Courtney and John's dad were there to support me while I got all my tests done. When I had to get blood drawn for my physical.. Jen was there to sing songs to me while they stuck me with needles. I wasn't alone then. And I know it sounds pety. But, it's what I needed.

Before all this... I had John. I remember when he went with me to my gynocologist for each of my 3 vaccine shots for cervical cancer. Ya know, the ones that were free to get if you were under 26. But they hurt so much!! Especially the first one. My arm welted for days after. John was in the room with me and held my hand and spoke to me. I am such a baby. I remember the doctor telling me why I should get it. I told her "well, should I get it even if I have only one partner?" She responded "well, just in case." I remember how offended I was in a way. There was only ever going to be John, lady. You don't understand. He's the one. forever. There will be no other. Now it was like... some revelation.
John was my first in last in my eyes. Nothing would change that. Our love was the real deal. What could separate that?

The answer was death.
One of could die.


But that never approached my thoughts. It wasn't a possibility. How naive. How naive for any of us to think that we are so unbreakable. That we can escape the power of death and God's hand.


But John was there.
Two years ago I was in John's blazer. I was in and out. I could hardly hold my head up.
I had gone to school that morning not feeling so good. By 2nd period I had fallen over in my office. I called the front office and said I needed to go to a clinic at my lunch and I would be back by the end of it. As I went to the parking lot to start my car I couldn't get the energy to move. I sat in the car for 10 minutes diliberating what to do. But I finallyu drove to a clinic. I got in there and laid on a chair... they wanted me to fill out paperwork and I could barely do it. I was miserable. They checked my temperature and pulse... pulse was a little high... temp was 99. Nothing serious at the time. They let me lay in the clinic while I called my nieghbor to come pick me up. I couldn't drive. It wasn't an option. I could barely move. She picked me up and called John to come home and take care of me. By the time John got home my body was burning up. I started to come up with self diagnosis... I thought I might have TSS. Toxic Shock Syndrome.
It made John terribly nervous so he put me in the blazer and we made our way to the ER. I was immediately admitted because my pulse was in the upper 100s and my body temp was 103. That is a RED FLAG in the med world. They hooked me up to an EKG and noticed my heart was a little all over the place. My nurse's name was Angel. I remember her well. I was so scared. They wouldn't let me go to sleep. John had to keep me from dozing off. He was so nervous... you could see it in his eyes. After the EKGs they put me in a wonderful gown and started testing me for EVERYTHING.
I remember John saying how cute I looked in the gown and he begged to take a picture. I said no.
After the EKGS, urine tests, blood tests, xrays, etc. the doctors couldn't really come up with a conclusion except that I had a virus. A form of the flu they thought. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me about 4 bags of fluid. They gave me pain meds and even valium. Their goal was to get my heart rate down. Below 100. John stayed with me the whole 8 hours I was there. In the end he got antsy. I would sit and stare at the monitor and watch my pulse. I concentrated on trying to make it slow down. It stayed at 116-113 for a long time. He got frustrated and made me turn away from the monitor and try and sleep. He shut the lights off. He sat in a chair and was quiet in the dark with me. I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried. Finally, they let us go when my heart rate was 110. We couldn't stand to wait any longer.
I left the hospital with no answers. Just maybes. Maybe I had a form of the flu. They can only test a small amount. There are hundreds of versions. So, it was a virus.
And it was a virus that took John. A virus. And his symptoms were not even close to as severe as the ones I had. At least he never led on to it. Why couldn't I have taken him to the doctor? Would they have found out? What would they have been able to do? Could they have saved him? These are questions I can't dwell on. They will never be answered.
All I know is that the experience has forever changed me in so many ways.
And when it comes to my health and the health of my loved ones. I will always be super cautious... borderline paranoid.


No one likes feeling bad alone.
We want to be comforted. We want to be looked after.
I hate that John was alone in that room his last moments of life.
I would have held his hand as he took his final breaths... I would have whispered in his ear that I loved him and I would alwaya love him. I feel like that I owed him that. He had always been there for me for even the silliest things. For silly shots... or doctor visits... he was there.
I couldn't be there for him when he left this Earth and grabbed the hand of God. I know that when I pass on from this earth I don't want to be alone. I can't imagine it. I still have intense fear of even thinking about it. I still hate sleeping alone. Because John was alone. i need to have someone around me. to make me feel ok. to be with me.
to say I look cute in the hospital gown.
of course he would say that. John loved me at my best and my worst. He was absolutely adorable and adored me. i got to experience someone to totally loved me for me. for every part of me.

ok, it's theraflu time and bed with lily.
she's no John... but she sure is a wonderful addition to my life. I think John might have sent her to me.