blank canvas

I have the smell of oil paint on my hands. It's been awhile...

I remember i used to paint all the time when I was in college and when I moved to Orlando. I painted so much that eventually john got into it too. His paintings were also so different from mine. sharp shapes and bold colors. prominent use of black. i was all about blending and creating a wide variety of shades... wispy brush strokes... no clear lines. I was carefree.... John took his paintings very seriously. so funny. because in life we were opposite. i took things seriously and John had the relaxed carefree side. art was a different story. except music. because drumming was so freaking natural to him it disgusted me!

The only thing that got in the way of our painting was the price of canvases!!!

But there has been this one canvas.

It's been blank for almost 3 years now.

John got it from a restaurant that was doing a painting competition. He knew we wouldn't compete.... but it was a free canvas... and we knew how valuable it was. We kept the canvas on the kitchen table. It became sort of a joke. it was our "art." Just a plain white canvas. As we have moved from place to place and as I moved here to my apartment... the canvas has traveled with me. When I opened my closet it would mock me. blank. and needing a story. a color.

I have been thinking of this canvas. and what i should be doing with it.

it was easy.

i would paint something for john. a memorial to him. something he would want me to paint.

a sunset.

not just any sunset.... but one of his sunsets. i knew exactly where to find one.

i went into my computer and searched through John's cell phone pictures. I found a few sunset pics. John, despite the tough guy he appeared to be, had a very soft sweet interior. And for some reason he loved sunsets. more so than a sunrise. He would takes multiple pictures of them... on his way home from work, out on the dock, on airplanes, on vacation. i found one he had taken on the lake behind his parents house. filled with an array of blues. this is the one i decided to paint.

I started the base today.

the whole canvas is now covered in blues.

it's no longer blank.

the canvas john meant for me to paint over 3 years ago... and I finally got to it.

it was relaxing to do.

I have had a stressful day.

I went to the gynocologist. ( I know, gross). it's been a year. a year ago I was bragging about how I was close to engagement with the love of my life. i had no worries. i was completely happy.

then i returned back in may for sleeping pills. the doctor i had seen wrote down what had happened and so when I saw my usual doctor today she read through my chart and furrowed her eyebrows. Before I had even went into the room I started to have an anxiety attack. something about the office was bothering me. maybe because I had often taken John with me when I would get my shots to protect against HPV. it was free after all. but the shots hurt a lot and I never wanted to go alone. And John went with me... to the gynocologist.... such a brave man. he didn't care. as I have said many times before.. all to make me happy.

Let me tell you i havent had an anxiety attack in awhile so I had left my clonapin at home. i had to just push through it. my palms started sweating, my body shaking, my heart rate shot through the roof and my blood pressure went up. I explained to her what was happening and she completely understood. but why? why at the doctor's office?

because this is the place where i once said "why do I need to get the HPV shot? I only will have one partner..." and she replied "You never know..."

I remember how offended I was. How dare she say that!

I hadn't thought that John would die. Especially not but a few months later.

Now I am back at the doctor's office. And I thought by this time back I would be discussing about preparing for a baby. Not even close.

So. doctors office was a trigger today.

unexpected. unpredictable.

but. it happened.

now my arm muscles are sore (one of the post attack problems i get) and my head is aching from my cry fest when i got back to my car.

These triggers are wearing me down.

I have been extra emotional these past two weeks.

wasn't 2011 supposed to get better????

Doctor's Visits

Today I woke up and went to the doctor. To get a flu shot and have my throat checked out because swallowing lately has been a struggle. My neck and ears are throbbing. I get flu shots every year. Because I teach. So this is nothing new... but I have to admit that a sense of anxiety overwhelms me when I go to the doctor now. I go into the room and start to tell my symptoms... and next thing you know I am going on and on about how I lost John. And I end up crying. The nurse feels so helpless at this point. She assumed this was an easy stick to the arm and antibiotic prescription. Now here I am crying. Every symptom that comes up is now a flag. When I don't feel good I can't just ignore it. I have to make sure I am going to be ok. It's obnoxious really. Doctor visits will never be the same again. Not like they were ever easy before. After John died and I went to the hospital..Philip, Courtney and John's dad were there to support me while I got all my tests done. When I had to get blood drawn for my physical.. Jen was there to sing songs to me while they stuck me with needles. I wasn't alone then. And I know it sounds pety. But, it's what I needed.

Before all this... I had John. I remember when he went with me to my gynocologist for each of my 3 vaccine shots for cervical cancer. Ya know, the ones that were free to get if you were under 26. But they hurt so much!! Especially the first one. My arm welted for days after. John was in the room with me and held my hand and spoke to me. I am such a baby. I remember the doctor telling me why I should get it. I told her "well, should I get it even if I have only one partner?" She responded "well, just in case." I remember how offended I was in a way. There was only ever going to be John, lady. You don't understand. He's the one. forever. There will be no other. Now it was like... some revelation.
John was my first in last in my eyes. Nothing would change that. Our love was the real deal. What could separate that?

The answer was death.
One of could die.


But that never approached my thoughts. It wasn't a possibility. How naive. How naive for any of us to think that we are so unbreakable. That we can escape the power of death and God's hand.


But John was there.
Two years ago I was in John's blazer. I was in and out. I could hardly hold my head up.
I had gone to school that morning not feeling so good. By 2nd period I had fallen over in my office. I called the front office and said I needed to go to a clinic at my lunch and I would be back by the end of it. As I went to the parking lot to start my car I couldn't get the energy to move. I sat in the car for 10 minutes diliberating what to do. But I finallyu drove to a clinic. I got in there and laid on a chair... they wanted me to fill out paperwork and I could barely do it. I was miserable. They checked my temperature and pulse... pulse was a little high... temp was 99. Nothing serious at the time. They let me lay in the clinic while I called my nieghbor to come pick me up. I couldn't drive. It wasn't an option. I could barely move. She picked me up and called John to come home and take care of me. By the time John got home my body was burning up. I started to come up with self diagnosis... I thought I might have TSS. Toxic Shock Syndrome.
It made John terribly nervous so he put me in the blazer and we made our way to the ER. I was immediately admitted because my pulse was in the upper 100s and my body temp was 103. That is a RED FLAG in the med world. They hooked me up to an EKG and noticed my heart was a little all over the place. My nurse's name was Angel. I remember her well. I was so scared. They wouldn't let me go to sleep. John had to keep me from dozing off. He was so nervous... you could see it in his eyes. After the EKGs they put me in a wonderful gown and started testing me for EVERYTHING.
I remember John saying how cute I looked in the gown and he begged to take a picture. I said no.
After the EKGS, urine tests, blood tests, xrays, etc. the doctors couldn't really come up with a conclusion except that I had a virus. A form of the flu they thought. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me about 4 bags of fluid. They gave me pain meds and even valium. Their goal was to get my heart rate down. Below 100. John stayed with me the whole 8 hours I was there. In the end he got antsy. I would sit and stare at the monitor and watch my pulse. I concentrated on trying to make it slow down. It stayed at 116-113 for a long time. He got frustrated and made me turn away from the monitor and try and sleep. He shut the lights off. He sat in a chair and was quiet in the dark with me. I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried. Finally, they let us go when my heart rate was 110. We couldn't stand to wait any longer.
I left the hospital with no answers. Just maybes. Maybe I had a form of the flu. They can only test a small amount. There are hundreds of versions. So, it was a virus.
And it was a virus that took John. A virus. And his symptoms were not even close to as severe as the ones I had. At least he never led on to it. Why couldn't I have taken him to the doctor? Would they have found out? What would they have been able to do? Could they have saved him? These are questions I can't dwell on. They will never be answered.
All I know is that the experience has forever changed me in so many ways.
And when it comes to my health and the health of my loved ones. I will always be super cautious... borderline paranoid.


No one likes feeling bad alone.
We want to be comforted. We want to be looked after.
I hate that John was alone in that room his last moments of life.
I would have held his hand as he took his final breaths... I would have whispered in his ear that I loved him and I would alwaya love him. I feel like that I owed him that. He had always been there for me for even the silliest things. For silly shots... or doctor visits... he was there.
I couldn't be there for him when he left this Earth and grabbed the hand of God. I know that when I pass on from this earth I don't want to be alone. I can't imagine it. I still have intense fear of even thinking about it. I still hate sleeping alone. Because John was alone. i need to have someone around me. to make me feel ok. to be with me.
to say I look cute in the hospital gown.
of course he would say that. John loved me at my best and my worst. He was absolutely adorable and adored me. i got to experience someone to totally loved me for me. for every part of me.

ok, it's theraflu time and bed with lily.
she's no John... but she sure is a wonderful addition to my life. I think John might have sent her to me.