Doctor's Visits

Today I woke up and went to the doctor. To get a flu shot and have my throat checked out because swallowing lately has been a struggle. My neck and ears are throbbing. I get flu shots every year. Because I teach. So this is nothing new... but I have to admit that a sense of anxiety overwhelms me when I go to the doctor now. I go into the room and start to tell my symptoms... and next thing you know I am going on and on about how I lost John. And I end up crying. The nurse feels so helpless at this point. She assumed this was an easy stick to the arm and antibiotic prescription. Now here I am crying. Every symptom that comes up is now a flag. When I don't feel good I can't just ignore it. I have to make sure I am going to be ok. It's obnoxious really. Doctor visits will never be the same again. Not like they were ever easy before. After John died and I went to the hospital..Philip, Courtney and John's dad were there to support me while I got all my tests done. When I had to get blood drawn for my physical.. Jen was there to sing songs to me while they stuck me with needles. I wasn't alone then. And I know it sounds pety. But, it's what I needed.

Before all this... I had John. I remember when he went with me to my gynocologist for each of my 3 vaccine shots for cervical cancer. Ya know, the ones that were free to get if you were under 26. But they hurt so much!! Especially the first one. My arm welted for days after. John was in the room with me and held my hand and spoke to me. I am such a baby. I remember the doctor telling me why I should get it. I told her "well, should I get it even if I have only one partner?" She responded "well, just in case." I remember how offended I was in a way. There was only ever going to be John, lady. You don't understand. He's the one. forever. There will be no other. Now it was like... some revelation.
John was my first in last in my eyes. Nothing would change that. Our love was the real deal. What could separate that?

The answer was death.
One of could die.


But that never approached my thoughts. It wasn't a possibility. How naive. How naive for any of us to think that we are so unbreakable. That we can escape the power of death and God's hand.


But John was there.
Two years ago I was in John's blazer. I was in and out. I could hardly hold my head up.
I had gone to school that morning not feeling so good. By 2nd period I had fallen over in my office. I called the front office and said I needed to go to a clinic at my lunch and I would be back by the end of it. As I went to the parking lot to start my car I couldn't get the energy to move. I sat in the car for 10 minutes diliberating what to do. But I finallyu drove to a clinic. I got in there and laid on a chair... they wanted me to fill out paperwork and I could barely do it. I was miserable. They checked my temperature and pulse... pulse was a little high... temp was 99. Nothing serious at the time. They let me lay in the clinic while I called my nieghbor to come pick me up. I couldn't drive. It wasn't an option. I could barely move. She picked me up and called John to come home and take care of me. By the time John got home my body was burning up. I started to come up with self diagnosis... I thought I might have TSS. Toxic Shock Syndrome.
It made John terribly nervous so he put me in the blazer and we made our way to the ER. I was immediately admitted because my pulse was in the upper 100s and my body temp was 103. That is a RED FLAG in the med world. They hooked me up to an EKG and noticed my heart was a little all over the place. My nurse's name was Angel. I remember her well. I was so scared. They wouldn't let me go to sleep. John had to keep me from dozing off. He was so nervous... you could see it in his eyes. After the EKGs they put me in a wonderful gown and started testing me for EVERYTHING.
I remember John saying how cute I looked in the gown and he begged to take a picture. I said no.
After the EKGS, urine tests, blood tests, xrays, etc. the doctors couldn't really come up with a conclusion except that I had a virus. A form of the flu they thought. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me about 4 bags of fluid. They gave me pain meds and even valium. Their goal was to get my heart rate down. Below 100. John stayed with me the whole 8 hours I was there. In the end he got antsy. I would sit and stare at the monitor and watch my pulse. I concentrated on trying to make it slow down. It stayed at 116-113 for a long time. He got frustrated and made me turn away from the monitor and try and sleep. He shut the lights off. He sat in a chair and was quiet in the dark with me. I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried. Finally, they let us go when my heart rate was 110. We couldn't stand to wait any longer.
I left the hospital with no answers. Just maybes. Maybe I had a form of the flu. They can only test a small amount. There are hundreds of versions. So, it was a virus.
And it was a virus that took John. A virus. And his symptoms were not even close to as severe as the ones I had. At least he never led on to it. Why couldn't I have taken him to the doctor? Would they have found out? What would they have been able to do? Could they have saved him? These are questions I can't dwell on. They will never be answered.
All I know is that the experience has forever changed me in so many ways.
And when it comes to my health and the health of my loved ones. I will always be super cautious... borderline paranoid.


No one likes feeling bad alone.
We want to be comforted. We want to be looked after.
I hate that John was alone in that room his last moments of life.
I would have held his hand as he took his final breaths... I would have whispered in his ear that I loved him and I would alwaya love him. I feel like that I owed him that. He had always been there for me for even the silliest things. For silly shots... or doctor visits... he was there.
I couldn't be there for him when he left this Earth and grabbed the hand of God. I know that when I pass on from this earth I don't want to be alone. I can't imagine it. I still have intense fear of even thinking about it. I still hate sleeping alone. Because John was alone. i need to have someone around me. to make me feel ok. to be with me.
to say I look cute in the hospital gown.
of course he would say that. John loved me at my best and my worst. He was absolutely adorable and adored me. i got to experience someone to totally loved me for me. for every part of me.

ok, it's theraflu time and bed with lily.
she's no John... but she sure is a wonderful addition to my life. I think John might have sent her to me.

4 months

yesterday was 4 months.

I didn't treat the day like I have before...where i sit down and ponder the day I lost him. where i take time alone to mourn. i guess i sort of saved that more for today.

yesterday i got to meet my future companion.

She isn't what most expected from me. If you know me, I am a BIG dog kind of person. I don't do little dogs. When I watch dog shows on TV i skip the toy category. they bore me. but show me the working dogs and my eyes light up. that is until i met emma and josie. (billy and liz's cute malteses)

So, John and I used to watch them all the time. we cuddled in bed with them, took them on car rides and basically pretended they were ours for whatever amount of time we watched them. but our dream dog was a dane. a blue great dane. a male. a strong, big dog. one john could feel like a man walking. :) but we also talked once about how cute it would be to have a little maltese and a big great dane and how they would be an odd couple friendship. so, i am getting started with one. I am getting a maltese. this is only due to the fact that my apartment complex has a weight limit of 50 pounds. and i would be going over that by about 1oo!!! besides, she is freakin CUTE!!!!



Her name is Lily.

She was named after the lake where John proposed to me at in maitland. (the lake which i cannot drive by without crying) I was also told that this name is a mix between billy and liz. lily. lol. perfect

she is super tiny. too tiny and young for me to take home yet. but on Sept 1 (hopefully) I will be bringing her home. i cant wait to snuggle her everyday and take her out on walks and out with visit friends. she will be a great companion for me to have and i am so ready for her.



so, visiting Lily distracted me from yesterday.

i also had a visit from Matt Grillo this weekend. Who i havent seen in forever! he was in big 8 with john and they share similiar stories with turning points in their lives. it was nice to have his company.... as well as his girlfriend. they remind me a lot of me and john. i guess most girls that date drummers do... it's just like a special club you have to be in. but it's so easy. to fall in love with a goofy, light hearted, fun loving "drummer." they really are the pick of the litter. and John was the best of the best. not only was he extremely talented musicianship wise... but his passion for teaching percussion was breathtaking. it literally left me breathless sometimes. he inspired me. and he also continued to say how i inspired him. we truly inspired each other to become the best people we could be.



matt grillo was only one of the few visitors i have had recently. last weekend i had brandy stay the weekend with me and the week before that TJ stayed a whole week while he taught band camp. it was like a blast from the college past. also, my best friend, Zack, from high school came to visit me multiple times and I also got to see Jacob... another high school friend. This past weekend Amelia visited me and we both hung out with Lauren and went to Bartow to visit my high school bff, Danielle. And tonight I had a very lovely dinner with Mike.

Just listing all these people really makes me feel truly loved and cared for. and i know that's what john would want for me. love and support. i almost feel like he has personally asked God to plant these people in my life. to look after me. long lost friends all of a sudden are part of my life again... and it's amazing to see that with most we can pick up where we left off... even if years have gone by.

tonight i sat in the bonefish parking lot with Mike.

he had a chance to share memories of john and to express his feelings on his death.

i just cried. and cried. and listened. i wasn't crying 100% sadness really. when i hear people's stories of john i just get overwhelmed. with the lives he touched. with the people that cherished him. some are surprising. some bonds he created were tighter than i knew. in fact, they were tighter than HE knew. He never quite thought he had a lot of friends. yet, his funeral was so packed people had to stand or listen from the lobby. I hope John got to see all these people. there for him and him alone. to honor and remember him.



i was surprised that sitting in the car with Mike was my first breakdown of the day.

after all. it was the first day of school.

normally, i would be in a panic the night before. i would check and re-check all my things. my purse, my bag, etc. i would set my alarm multiple times and ask john to set his too.

he would kiss me in the morning, compliment my outfit, and call me at lunch. always.

today was easy. and stressful. how so?

easy because it's just a "here are the rules" type of day.

stressful because the kids are CRAZY and don't want to hear the rules and let's face it... we all just want to play our instruments.

and when my lunch time came around i grabbed my phone.

and waited.

i waited for john's phone call.

and i am not kidding,

a part of me... thought it might happen. that john would call and wish me a good first day back. but, in the end... i had no phone call. so, i texted him. i told him how i wish he had called.

it's silly. i have been texting john since two days after his death. when his phone was still active i would go on and delete my own texts to him from myself.

now i assume they are floating around somewhere in cyberspace. and maybe he has a better chance of getting them. God, i wish heaven had a phone.

or at least an email account. where i can write an email to john and just read his words. i want him to say it's going to be ok. i want him to tell me why. i want to see the words "i miss you too."

i want to tell him about my first day back at my new school and how I am loving it so much already. i want to tell him about Nicole and how she is a gator fan and how one of my classes totally gator chomped me today and how ticked off i was. i want to tell him how the principal is a big coca cola fan like me and that she is a seminole as well. i want to share the big rice crispy treat i got today with him.

and now i am sitting in the living room. i have my list next to me... three things are not crossed off and probably won't be until tomorrow.
i am going to watch tv and go to bed. ALone. completely alone.
This will be the first time I am sleeping in the apartment alone by myself.
And I am a bit scared. I am nervous... but I know it's something I have to do. It's an exposure. And I guess after 4 months it's something I should try and do.
And if it doesn't work out? well... i havent gotten that far ahead.
i just need to look forward to a good day tomorrow and my photography class after school. distractions.
i am completely filling my life from them.
is this good or bad?