Endoscopies and other fun things

So,

I got my endoscopy. Turns out that I have gastritis.

Now, that makes me sound like a really gassy person. But that's not what it is, folks. haha

It's basically in inflammation of the stomach lining. You can find out more about it here.

So.

No more soda. fuck.

no more tomato based anything. shit.

so.... THAT PIZZA AND COKE I HAD THE OTHER DAY... BAD IDEA!!! I went home and it felt like someone was taking scissors to my insides. gross. that was a weird analogy.

So I have my follow up appt. with my doctor on Aug. 1 and then we will talk about the endoscopy (they also took a biopsy) and my thyroid.

So, I guess these issues with my stomach and my thyroid have put a spike in my anxiety. I have been having some hard nights lately in the sleep department. Well, not like that has changed that much but I do feel like there was a period of a few months after John's death where I could actually sleep ok. In fact, sometimes I looked forward to it. Now, I dread sleep. If it weren't for Ryan I would never go to bed. I would be an insomniac.

Even times when I am completely exhausted my mind won't let me rest.

Last night I had a pretty bad panic attack.

I had a semi-dream (because I still kind of felt awake) that I was having a heart attack.

when I woke up I had sharp pains in my left arm.

Of course this makes the panic worse because that's a symptom of heart attack... but it's also a symptom of panic attack.

Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.

It's very traumatic... to go through this all the time.

And very exhausting.

I hate living in fear. Fear of death and how I will die.

fear that when I close my eyes to sleep I may never open them again... just like John.

so, i have been taking my clonazapem almost every night now.

It's something I haven't had to do much until recently.

I think it's the stress of starting a new job. Having to re-start my life again. You have to think... 4 schools in 5 years!!!! That's a lot of starting over. That's more schools than some will ever go through before they retire. I have been around. (school wise)

So, tonight I am going to let the Lunesta butterfly take me away and not deal with wondering if I am going to have anxiety or not. I will just sleep it through.

I long for a time when I feel free of this fear. free of anxiety and stress. free of worry.

I long to have dreams again of fancy free times and not wake up from nightmares where I lose John or where I am dying.

I think a first step towards establishing this new inner peace is praying MORE. I don't pray nearly enough and it's evident.

The other night I asked ryan to pray with me and he did... right before bed we held hands. And I felt a sense of relief after.

The other thing I need to do is relax more.

Tension runs in my family.

I have a high strung mom and dad. So, alas here I am.

I let EVERYTHING get to me. God picked the wrong person to be a widow.

So. Advice of stress relief is appreciated.

Yoga may be a start but I have had times when i am hanging in weird poses where I think I am gonna pass out... I rather have massages. But, then it's the money thing.

So.

How to de-stress on a budget????

Ghost of Blogging Past

This isn't my first time blogging.

My blogging adventure started in 2001. yes. 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!

You can find my high school/college blog below:

MY OLD BLOG

Sometimes I go back to it and read. I read about things back then that were such a big deal... and now sound quite petty.

my first entry was from my senior year in high school. It was Christmas eve. I am talking about my dog throwing up on the carpet and how christmas has lost it's Christmas spirit. Then I start getting into my obsession with drum corps and specifically my fascination with Phantom regiment.

All of the things that unfolded back then led me to the path I now take.

Let me show you.

It was because of my band director passing away in 2000 that I decided to become a band director and attend FSU.

It was through marching band competitions that I met my boyfriend, Tim.

Tim introduced me to something called drum corps. DCI.

Tim helped convince me to audition at a phantom regiment camp.

at this camp i met my future best friend, allison.

(we didn't know it yet...)

when i didn't make Phantom I decided to fill a spot at Pioneer.

this was where i met my very close friend Meredith and Gordo. People who I still talk to today. a lot actually.

it was through pioneer that i met my next boyfriend, Brian.

it was through Brian that i grew a love for the cavaliers and the state of Michigan.

It was through my education at FSU that I joined the Marching Chiefs and met the best friends I will ever have... including one of my BEST friends... Evan.

because i had a horrible roommate i eventually got a two bed room all to myself.

because of this two bedroom room many good times were had with those said friends in that said room.

it was because of another friend that i decided to end my relationship with Brian. (something at the time i didn't think would happen because i swore he was "the one.")

because i broke up with brian and because lack of interest from that friend it was were i had the chance to follow my heart to a different person.

it was through chiefs AND drum corps that I met him.

John.

it's hard to imagine if things would have gone a different way. back then i was struggling with decisions on college, stressing about what drum corps i would make, worried about making friends in college, dealing with roommates, starting serious relationships and ending them (badly), falling for the wrong people and then falling for the right person. At the time those situations seemed like the end of the world. but yet, my world still spun.

I never knew what the future held for me.

I want to tell the Autumn that wrote this blog to chill out. Enjoy those times now. It's not such a big deal... because you will have a hard road to follow in the future.

and will i look back on this blog one day and have these same feelings? will i be accepting of what happened in the past and the present it will eventually bring me. do things really get better? as of now... they are looking up. looking way more up than before. i can look back in my earlier writing in THIS blog and see such a dramatic change already.

then i compare it to my OLD blog and wow.... life changes quick. it throws curve balls. it doesn't always go the way you planned. it is unpredictable. unchanging. always moving. always exciting. always going.... and will continue to go.

Lyrics from a Regina Spektor say "This is how it works... you're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath."

And that's what we have to do.

We have to breathe until our dying breath. And I only hope that as my lungs expand and compress that with each inhale and exhale of my breath...that I give it value in my life. That i don't take advantage of the life i have been given. the chances i have been given to meet amazing people.

and even though i only got john for a little over 5 years....

if God walked up to me and said "Autumn. You can have John. but only for 5 years..." I would say "where do I sign?"

because those years were worth it.

the pain i hold now can't take away the love i had then. nothing can ever take that away from me.

and no pain can also prevent me from trying to be happy again. or accomplishing that happiness. because i feel like i have taken a step. a step in the right direction....

although i am dipping my toes in the water to feel the temperature.... i do long to jump in. a head first dive. because i would love to dive into happiness again. the happiness i have had before. that i still have somewhere. somewhere deep inside of me.

i want to look back on my life one day in the future and be proud of what i accomplished. i want to be proud of how strong i became. i want to be proud of the hurdles i overcame and i want to honor my John by being HAPPY for him. Because really that's all he ever wanted. he didn't mean to hurt me. he would have never wanted me to feel this way. that's why i know that the new relationship i have started is good. because it brings me happiness. a butterfly in your stomach feeling. a can't wait until the next time i see you feeling. a rapid heart rate feeling. the feelings i had once before. and surprisingly had them during my whole relationship with John. they didn't die off completely. just not as intense as the beginning. i forgot what it felt like. the beginning of a relationship. you feel elated... with a small sense of "i can do anything" attitude.

now imagine that coming from someone like me that has lost so much. it's a big deal. because losing John was the most helpless I have ever felt. And now I feel like I can breathe and move again.

i am breathing.

i am finally breathing.

it doesn't mean i am in the clear.

i am VERY aware of what lies ahead.

April is going to be so very hard for me.

And that's where love and support from family and friends comes in.... and me reaching inside myself and pulling out my innermost strength from myself and God.

Encounters in a dentist chair

Every day I have the ability to interact with others. We all do. Hundreds of people pass by us everyday with their own lives... in their own mindset... going about their own ways. They are heading in a direction. It's amazing though when paths sometimes just cross. It's fate.
Lucky for me I was born with an outgoing personality. It is who I have always been. It's something that John had fallen in love with when we met.

For instance...my dad loves to tell me the story of when him and John were riding in the car up to North Carolina (I decided to fly thank you very much). My dad mentioned how well my students respected me and said to John "man, she can really intimidate those kids." John replied "are you kidding?? she intimidates me!"

Oh, John.

When you are born with an outgoing personality you have a greater opportunity for random interactions. You can meet some great people. You can also meet some not so great people. It's the risk you take on with the personality.
Today was a good encounter.
It was much needed and unexpected.

It happened when I was sitting at the dentist waiting for my teeth to be cleaned. The dental hygenist (who's name slips my mind) had noticed my ring. Of course. It's beautiful. And I can't stop wearing it. She said something about me being married and I thought it best to go ahead and tell her the truth. She was taken aback. She placed her hand where her heart was and frowned. I could tell this was a very sensitive woman with a lot of compassion inside of her. She then asked what many do not. Usually as soon as I tell someone they feel really bad and want to immediately change the subject. But not her. She asked "may I ask you what happened?" And I told her. I explained myocarditis. She wanted to know everything about it. She actually wanted to understand what it was. The sad part is.... it almost hard to explain... this rare virus. How can my healthy, handsome fiance be gone in an instant without any sign or indication?
As she listened her eyes watered. Then she said "let's go ahead and clean those teeth." After the cleaning the hygeinist pulled down her mask and looked at me and asked "are you a Christian?" I replied "Yes ma'am." She then said "may I pray for you?" and of course I replied "Yes ma'am." If there's one thing I know I should never turn down it's prayer.
She held my hands and started to pray. The prayer was long... it was heartfelt. We both cried together as she prayed for my healing. She also prayed for John. And then she prayed for my future husband.
After the prayer she urged me to join a singles group at my church. "You must do this for yourself..."
I am hesitant. I think I can do this on my own. The single game. But, I have to admit I have already started to test the waters and I think I am failing. I think I dove in trying too hard. And I think that instead of pursuing I would rather be pursued. And that's the way I am going to take things. Nice and slow. Allowing myself to grieve and open myself up to love from others. It's a balancing act that will take quite some time to master.
I was also told that my dentist was a widow.
See, we are everywhere. Strong women. Strong, beautiful women who have carried the same weight that I carry. Who keep it with them always. But, you could never tell.
The hygeinist admitted that she had sensed I she needed to pray for me when I walked in.
And really I was quite cheerful today. I wasn't mopey. I wasn't sad. I was content. But she knew. Another path crossed on purpose.
Fate.



A memory:
When I think about dentist visits and John all I can think about is his PERFECT teeth. He bragged about them constantly. They were very straight. And he had never had cavity. John told me his parents used to make him take fluoride pills when he was a kid. Then he would chomp down on his teeth to prove their strength. It always made me laugh. And boy did I love those teeth. Especially when he would give a genuine smile. Not the goofy faces he liked to do in photos. But when you caught him in his natural smile. It was a beautiful thing. Him and his perfect teeth.