A new kind of anniversary....

A lot of my blog posts have to deal with dates.
As a widow, dates start to mean a lot.
You count down days from the moment you lose the one you love.
It's not about counting down TOWARDS dates anymore.
It's about counting away from the times you spent with the person you loved.
You base events on how far away they were from that moment.
The first week without them. The first month. The first Christmas. The first 100 days. The first year. The first birthday. etc. etc.

When I met Ryan I got to do something I hadn't done in a long time.... I got to LOOK FORWARD to dates in my life again.
Now, it was scary at first.
I didn't want to get too excited because I had this weird feeling inside that if I was too happy or too looking forward to something... it would be taken away from me.

This is reasonable.

I mean, I had a whole wedding panning out in front of my eyes....

and that was snatched away.

In one second.

So, I gave myself little moments to look forward to. Until eventually I felt comfortable enough to look forward to bigger things.
And sometimes I just sit back and let the bigger events come my way.
And pretend I do not notice.

And here I am.
At a milestone.

A year ago this evening I was a nervous girl... woman... whatever...
going on a date with this really cute guy. I liked him a lot already. It was school girl type feelings all over again.
And a date?!
Something I hadn't done in over 6 years!!!
So, I was nervous to say the least.
But, I took a leap.
Because apparently my heart never learns it's lesson.
But thank GOD I let my heart take over again because a year later I am so happy and pleased to say I am still with that wonderful man.
Who I think is still studly as ever.
And so freaking tolerant and brave to put up with a crazy person (that's me).
I mean he's dealt with a whole year of it.
He was there for the John anniversaries.
The one year, the birthdays, the holidays....
and he is still with me!!!!
Can you believe this???

Did I do something right, perhaps????

Did God surely answer that prayer???

I can say without a doubt that God indeed heard.
And I think John did too.


Hey widow friends:
Don't be afraid to fall in love again.
It's kind of awesome.
To be loved unconditionally.
Twice.
Being loved from Heaven and being loved from Earth.



Happy 1 year, Ryan.

books. chapters. beginnings. endings.

When I originally went to a book store after John passed away I had a hard time finding a book that was truly fitting for me.

They had books for loss. But it wasn't specific enough.

They had books for widows... but we hadn't been married yet so a lot of the information couldn't apply ... like fianances and wills and things like that.

They had books for Christians. they had books with poems. Books with stories of other people's losses. but none were never quite the same as mine.

I feel as if I have a unique and unfortunate story.

I feel as if the only way I could truly understand my misfortune is not to read a book but to write about my journey through the grief. Creating my own sort of book. A book that perhaps would never relate to anyone else exactly. But could serve a purpose.

As time has been going on.... yesterday was 10 months.... I have found myself in situations where I wish I did indeed have a book or manual on how to figure things out.

A book on what to do with your engagement ring if you were never married.

A book that just listed a bunch of generic responses to people's stupid questions.

A book on how to introduce yourself back into your social circle.

A book on how to control your public crying.

A book on explaining your grief to others without scaring them away.

All these would have been helpful. But, I had to learn on my own. The hard way. The only way I will grow... is doing things this way.

10 months ago I was a broken person.

I was crushed into a million pieces. My life was shattered about and I didn't have the strength to even begin to pick up the broken mess. I was not myself. I had lost half myself... if not more. I was at square one.

I was lost and didn't see a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.

I saw darkness. I sat in the darkness. I allowed darkness to become my neighbor. To wrap around me and fester. I allowed it because I did not know how to fight it.

Originally I found myself clinging to others.

And at the time... that is exactly what I needed.

I needed others. Because that's the time in your life when you certainly do need a firm foundation to lean on.

I eventually weened myself off of consistently leaning on others and found out how to start living on my own. Although it's truly heartbreaking.

Everyone is different.

Some people enjoy the solitude.

I enjoy sharing life. With others.

With the people I love.

And I had been sharing my life with the person I had loved more than anything else in the world. And to lose it suddenly doesn't make you gain independence immediately. Although some thought this would be my true cure. "to go find myself."

Obviously that's why John had to die. For me to find myself.

I say that's a horrible excuse.

I had found myself before.

It also led me to John.

I am not saying that I have not grown since his death.

I am far more strong than ever before.

I also have some weaknesses that I have never experienced before too.

I gained some strength in some areas and lost it in others.

It's a give and take thing.

Although I saw nothing but take... take.... take....

Now I wish I had a new book.

"How to date after losing the love of your life for 6 years and starting your life all over..."

But, I think I am doing a good job so far.

I have slipped back into a new stage of life that I never thought I would experience again.

I can't say it's not exciting.

because it is.

because i can admit that i get butterflies.

because i can admit that i get giddy.

and honestly... there can't be anything wrong with that.

there isn't a thing wrong with being happy.

now awkward, i am rather good at.

i have a habit of bringing John up frequently.

i have told boyfriend i will work on limiting this.

boyfriend.

i just said boyfriend.

when we finally decided that was what we were we practiced saying it to my roommates. it was for me mainly but he went along.

"this is my boyfriend, ____"

"this is my girlfriend, autumn."

it was funny.

it was a good exercise.

sometimes the word seems foreign. even though john had been my boyfriend for 5 and a half years and my fiance for only 17 days i dont recall calling him my boyfriend during the last year.... it was almost implied that he was more than just that.

now i do have a boyfriend.

of one week. and a couple days.

i cant remember my first week with john. well, bits and pieces.

but i can't remember them clearly.

maybe because our relationship took 3 months to initiate.

having a boyfriend at 27 is not odd.

its not unique.

its not uncommon.

having a boyfriend and a dead fiance is odd.

and i thank the boyfriend for being so respectful of this weird situation.

because he actually tries to understand.

something even the closest of friends couldn't do.

he knows he is sharing a space in my heart that also belongs to john.

he knows that john was a huge chapter in my life.

a long chapter.

and i have started a new chapter.

and so far i like where it is going....

and i can see that light.

What is this feeling?

...so sudden and new...

oh, Wicked.

So, my life has took a turn in a new direction.

I now am dating a man who I really enjoy... and still balancing my feelings for the man I am still in love with.

But, this new feeling is exciting.

I have entered the first stage of a new relationship. Something I haven't experienced in a long time... 6 years.

I feel like Im 16 years old all over again. I fumble. We fumble. There are awkward moments... and then there are moments where we make new discoveries about each other! I enjoy it all.

Although things are going swell in this new relationship... there are still things I have to deal with in the other areas of my life. Last night I sat in my bed and had a terrible anxious night. I sat in bed and a fear overcame me. Something I haven't felt in awhile.... fear.

Now that I have someone new in my life I am filled with new worries.

When I let someone else enter my life I run the risk of having my heart broken... I run the risk of losing them.... of growing attached to him. When you attach yourself to something you become completely consumed with it. There is a day.. one day... when you may find yourself thinking "us" and not just me.

And it scares me. enough to make me stay up at night with my eyes wide open. tossing and turning in the dark. trying to figure out how to do this again.

because honestly, i have started out quite comfortable with him. i really like him. he's sweet, thoughtful... and a true gentleman.

Today I told John's family.

Well, I told John's mom and John's sister and john's brothers girlfriend. I figure it will make it's way around to the rest of the group.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.

But, they were so happy for me. John's mom opened her arms to be and hugged me with a genuine joy.

i was relieved.

we were celebrating Billy's (John's older brother) birthday.

I sat down and watched the people around me. The people I call my family. Who will always be my family. And they will always accept me and look out for my absolute happiness. because that is what John would want. And thats what I want.

I want to be happy again.

I want to feel the way I did before April 22.

But it will take some time to get to that point.

But this is a first step.

i have taken the first step. in the right direction. i like where it's going.

i went to John's parents house to pick up my camera. No one was there. I was alone and that always makes me a bit uneasy when i open the door. as if John will be sitting in the living room on the couch or standing in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal.

he wasn't there.

metallica was though. whining and looking for affection. i rubbed his ears and entered the office. there was my camera... and then of course... there is the box. the box. that holds the ashes of my fiance. i walked over slowly to the box. the beautiful wooden box... topped with a neatly folded american flag that waved the opening day of the Waldorf. and next to it a poem written by Annie for Valentines day. I touched the box. I felt the warmth in my eyes. my sight blurring. here come the tears. "hi baby..." and the sobs. i quickly dried up my eyes and waved goodbye to a box. and then i left the house. I took a breath in the car. I turned on my radio.

my tears stopped faster.

and then i got a text message.... at a perfect time...

a simple word.

with a meaning....

"quack."

:)

something happened....

i didn't expect this. at all.

it wasn't planned.

it caught me off guard.

And, it's ok. because i like it.

the fact that it happened two days before valentine's day.... the fact that it has a pretty unique story behind it... makes it even better.

i am dating.

yes, i have a boyfriend.

it's allowed. there are no rules in the widow rule book. or in the life rule book. or in the relationship rule book.

i looked them up. And i found nothing on this sort of thing.

what i did look into was myself and the feelings in my heart. and the fact that I am very happy with this person.

i know that everyone has always told me they just want me to be happy.

here's me going for it.

i am going for happiness.

because of all people.... i deserve that.

perhaps you don't agree? sorry.

this does not mean John is out of the picture. he never will be. he's still here.

he's still part of the picture.

it's just i am opening my heart to something new. i have saved room for a new relationship. a new chance.

and it scares the shit out of me at the same time.

here we go.....

Encounters in a dentist chair

Every day I have the ability to interact with others. We all do. Hundreds of people pass by us everyday with their own lives... in their own mindset... going about their own ways. They are heading in a direction. It's amazing though when paths sometimes just cross. It's fate.
Lucky for me I was born with an outgoing personality. It is who I have always been. It's something that John had fallen in love with when we met.

For instance...my dad loves to tell me the story of when him and John were riding in the car up to North Carolina (I decided to fly thank you very much). My dad mentioned how well my students respected me and said to John "man, she can really intimidate those kids." John replied "are you kidding?? she intimidates me!"

Oh, John.

When you are born with an outgoing personality you have a greater opportunity for random interactions. You can meet some great people. You can also meet some not so great people. It's the risk you take on with the personality.
Today was a good encounter.
It was much needed and unexpected.

It happened when I was sitting at the dentist waiting for my teeth to be cleaned. The dental hygenist (who's name slips my mind) had noticed my ring. Of course. It's beautiful. And I can't stop wearing it. She said something about me being married and I thought it best to go ahead and tell her the truth. She was taken aback. She placed her hand where her heart was and frowned. I could tell this was a very sensitive woman with a lot of compassion inside of her. She then asked what many do not. Usually as soon as I tell someone they feel really bad and want to immediately change the subject. But not her. She asked "may I ask you what happened?" And I told her. I explained myocarditis. She wanted to know everything about it. She actually wanted to understand what it was. The sad part is.... it almost hard to explain... this rare virus. How can my healthy, handsome fiance be gone in an instant without any sign or indication?
As she listened her eyes watered. Then she said "let's go ahead and clean those teeth." After the cleaning the hygeinist pulled down her mask and looked at me and asked "are you a Christian?" I replied "Yes ma'am." She then said "may I pray for you?" and of course I replied "Yes ma'am." If there's one thing I know I should never turn down it's prayer.
She held my hands and started to pray. The prayer was long... it was heartfelt. We both cried together as she prayed for my healing. She also prayed for John. And then she prayed for my future husband.
After the prayer she urged me to join a singles group at my church. "You must do this for yourself..."
I am hesitant. I think I can do this on my own. The single game. But, I have to admit I have already started to test the waters and I think I am failing. I think I dove in trying too hard. And I think that instead of pursuing I would rather be pursued. And that's the way I am going to take things. Nice and slow. Allowing myself to grieve and open myself up to love from others. It's a balancing act that will take quite some time to master.
I was also told that my dentist was a widow.
See, we are everywhere. Strong women. Strong, beautiful women who have carried the same weight that I carry. Who keep it with them always. But, you could never tell.
The hygeinist admitted that she had sensed I she needed to pray for me when I walked in.
And really I was quite cheerful today. I wasn't mopey. I wasn't sad. I was content. But she knew. Another path crossed on purpose.
Fate.



A memory:
When I think about dentist visits and John all I can think about is his PERFECT teeth. He bragged about them constantly. They were very straight. And he had never had cavity. John told me his parents used to make him take fluoride pills when he was a kid. Then he would chomp down on his teeth to prove their strength. It always made me laugh. And boy did I love those teeth. Especially when he would give a genuine smile. Not the goofy faces he liked to do in photos. But when you caught him in his natural smile. It was a beautiful thing. Him and his perfect teeth.

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to...

We are on a ship.

Why are we on a ship again????

Didn't I just have this dream? Except this ship is different. It's

smaller. It's going to an unknown place and as it glides p

ast the shore... takes a turn and is now plowing into the land. But it's not... it's gliding.

I am in my cabin. John is on the bed. He is sitting there. He starts to talk to me... "Autumn, I am trying this again... but it just isn't going to work. I can't do this. I can't be with you."

I begin to plead and beg. "Don't do this John!"

He leaves.

My body flies off the boat into the sky. I am looking at the ocean from the sky. The boat is now small and white. My heart is breaking in half. Again. John is leaving me yet again.

And then I wake up.

Happy Birthday, Autumn.

Today is my birthday. Today is my golden birthday.

I can't stand to be awake. I need to go back to sleep and see John. I need to convince him to come back to me. Why does he always try to leave me in my dreams?! It's a horrible feeling. It's like breaking my heart over and over again. My brain is trying to convince me this is what happened. It's trying to make things easier. No, Autumn... you didn't find him dead. He left you. My brain is trying to re-write history.

My brain is wrong.

Dreams are dreams... they aren't real.

The reality of it all is that John and I were in the happiest time of our lives. We were never so in love than at the point of his death. He would have never left me. And I would have never left him.

Fuck these dreams.

And on my birthday? Fucking really?

FUCK THIS SHIT.

I decide to lay in the bed and sleep again.

Dreams not remembered. worthless.

I stay in the bed until noon. I'll just go ahead and sleep this birthday away.

But I did get up. My nieces made me oatmeal. We played rock band. We stayed in and talked, laughed... my sister in law came home with a fever. :(

My nieces made pancakes for dinner.

We put a candle in one and I blew it out. I am sure you can guess what I wished for. Definitely not for another year like this one. And I almost feel bad saying that. Because really the beginning of my year was FANTASTIC. It's so shitty the best part of my life and the worst part of my life were in the same year... I mean really they were only 17 days apart. How unfair.

But 2011 brings hope.

This is me trying to convince myself.

And I guess I could be bitter about being 27 and starting my life all over again.

And I am actually.

A lot of my friends my age are married, pregnant, successful... perhaps some of them not as happy as they seem to be. But that's not always what they post on their facebook. So, what I see is everyone around me having a better life than me. As I inch towards 30 this is NOT where I ever imagined myself being at 27. This isn't where I should be. Apparently I can't plan my life. Apparently it is out of my control.

27 years. 6 of them spent with my love.

Who will be fortunate enough to spend the next years of my life with me?

A strong man for sure. That has to deal with my shit. My "baggage." John is not the baggage. Widowhood is the baggage. Being labled like I am wearing some God forsaken scarlet letter. Instead of an A lets just go ahead and paste a big red W on my chest.

And it amazes me. My progress.

I told myself I would NOT be celebrating my birthday this year. That I was going to skip it....

And yet this may be one of my biggest birthdays to date.

A dinner. 6:30pm.

Over 25 guests.

All there for me.

My loved ones. My friends. The people who have pulled me through... who are still pulling me out of the darkness. The ones that encourage me. The ones that stay in contact with me. The ones that call me and invite me out. The ones that wish that they could do for me.

I am actually looking forward to it.

Of course there will be an obvious absence of presence in the room.

It won't be mentioned I am guessing.

But everyone will feel it.

Where is John?

Where are my flowers? Where is my birthday kiss? Who will occupy his seat next to me at the dinner table?

Who will occupy that empty hole in my heart?

Who will one day take on the task of loving me. This broken girl. This shattered woman. This mess. This beautiful mess of a person. Who is going to save me... tell me it's ok... and show me the light again?

Strong man. Strong, patient man. I pray for you.

I read the Bible tonight with my nieces... I always find myself heading towards 1 Corinthians to read the passage about love. To torture myself? Maybe.

But then I read the line "Love never dies."

You're right. It doesn't. My love for John will always stay ignited inside my heart and soul. I can make space for another. For the Bible does say the most important thing is to love extravagantly.

The greatest of these is love.

I am a person full of love. Love that I want to share. Love that will go on and fill others... family, friends, and eventually.... a lover.

And so I am walking out to the water... and I am putting my toe towards the edge... and dipping it in slightly. Am I prepared to test the water? If I dive in I could drown. So, I will stay towards the shore.... until I am ready for a plunge.

Happy Birthday to me.