empire state of mind

HOLY BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life just went into overdrive.

mainly because i hit the august mark.

and i came back from my short lived vacation.

new york was great fun.

for some reason i got really excited to take my first plane ride with Ryan (even thought i hate flying...)

I think it was because I have someone to fly with again.

Someone's hand to squeeze on lift off or when there is turbulance.

someone to talk to and separate me from strangers that may sit by me.

ryan let me have the window seat.

I am so thankful he's understanding about this.

I mean, who really likes the middle seat anyway???

Ryan got to meet my sister. The NY sister, Raheann.

and her husband and in-laws.

i was so excited Ryan got to meet one of my siblings.

he had met Kristi.. but only for a short period of time.

This was actually quality time! I was very excited to show him off.. I am so proud of my new found relationship. I almost want to be like "see! look what I can do! Look how far I have come! I got a good one!!!"

Ryan and I went to the city twice.

He hasn't been since he was a young teenager.

I went last summer.

in a very opposite direction that I am currently in.

So, it was different going back to the city with Ryan. Mainly because this was a place I had been to with John... twice. And it was where we had spent our last vacation. I had actually thought he would propose to me in NY... and then a few days after we got back in 2010 he did.

It was actually a good time. We did different things i have never done before. honestly, in NYC you can go back many many times and still find new things to do.

This time I lucked out and got tickets to Jimmy Fallon!!!!!

I LOVE JF! I record EVERY show and sometimes will sit and watch 3-4 episodes at a time. :) We really lucked out when we went... well, part luck and part charm really.

We got to meet up with John's good friend, Billy, and his girlfriend while we were there and invited them to go to the show with us.

since they were running late i actually got to speak to one of the managers/producers and somehow talked my way into FRONT ROW SEATS!!!!!!!!

I got to see Jimmy up close and personal along with the Roots, Julianne Moore, Chris Katan, Dominick Cooper ....and... get this... BEYONCE!!!

It was soooo fun!!!! i hugged jimmy fallon and got his autograph. talked to the tuba player (mainly) from the roots, got teased by jimmy fallon, sat next to chris katan, waved and exchanged words with beyonce as she left the show and got some free perfume to boot :)

I know.. I was totally star struck.

But it was sooo fun.

Then the next few days were good... but a little rough because my stomach was causing big issues. My inflammation was on full blast the last two days we were there.

it really sucked because it cut down our second visit to the city and made me a total lame-o .. especially when my sister wanted to do stuff or go out.

i was glad that i had a chance to meet up with John's brother and sister-in-law though before we left.

and I am glad they got to meet Ryan.

I have really been doing my best to try and make sure everyone meets Ryan. I want people to see this person that brought the light back into my world. Who literally saved my life. And it's my family and John's family in which I value their opinions the most.

So far... Ryan's a hit :)

I mean obviously everyone is going to love him because they see how happy he makes me ... and that is what matters the most. People want to see me happy again.

And.

I am.

I hate that my vacation was semi-ruined by the fact that my stomach hates me.

When I got back I had a follow up appt. with my doctor and we went over my test results.

i can go ahead and praise God that there is no cancer.

I do have quite a bit of gastritis and some acid refulx which is causing the tightness in my throat. I also have a nodule in my thyroid that now has to be biopsied... and more blood work... and ANOTHER ultrasound.. this one on my stomach ( gallbladder area).

More tests.

And hopefully figuring out how to live normal again.

For now I can't eat or drink anything I like.

No chocolate.

No coke.

No tea.

No coffee.

No french fries.

Very strict.

Very bland.

But i give it up gladly in order to feel better again.

here's to feeling better!

New York

Believe it or not... my flights to New York were successful and practically ZERO anxiety!!!! Praise God! I owe it a big part to my medication I am taking now. I think the anxiety medication was a key part of what I needed to start healing.

Now it doesn't mean I don't have times when I don't get anxious or feel panic. It just minimizes it. Which is good. Because I don't EVER want to have what I had the other day happen again.

When I arrived in New York my sister picked me up.

We went straight from the airport to the long island railroad straigh

t to NYC to see Billy, Liz, Jim and Sarah.

It was nice to be greeted by Jim as soon as I got there. I have been gone away from him for a week and I feel like it's been ages. After all, he's like a father to me. And I live with him. He's my family.

Although I was in the city for about 24 hours.... it was a great escape.

We went out for drinks when I first got there and it was a GREAT surprise that Billy Fornaci and his girlfriend joined us! Her name is Katie and she is absolutely wonderful! I feel like I could have talked to her for hours and hours and never get bored. And she has beautiful looks on the outside to match her sweet soul inside. She would have met John at the wedding. He would have loved her too. She told me how Billy had wrote her a sweet note when he came back from the funeral here. How he told her that their relationship reminded him a lot of me and John's. How we are carefree and fun and always have a good time with each other no matter what. I felt that way too. When I see those two I see a reflection of both John and me. And it doesn't make me sad or jealous. It makes me pleased that there is love in exis

tence out there like that still. That others can carry on what John and I had so special.

The first night we went to a wonderful restaurant for dinner called Cuba de Asia. It was AMAZING. The food was fabulous and the company was even better. Having my sister there with John's family meant the world to me. This was the way it was supposed to be. Two families becoming one. I w

as excited for our families to become one. Raheann was excited to have John as a brother. I was excited to have Billy and Liz as my brother and sister. Then we went to see a musical... American Idiot. Not my musical cup of tea. I am more into uplifting stuff with cute melodies and glittery sets and costumes. But, it WAS broadway. My FIRST broadway show. And I appreciate it. And Jim Seay is just so sweet.

Liz had an encounter (awkwardly) with Colin Hanks. It was pretty funny.

And we also saw Helen Miren. I guess we were with the "it" crowd that night. Saturday night on Broadway. oh yea!

The next morning we had breakfast at a beautiful place called Park Avenue Summer. It's a really unique restaurant because every season they change their name... Park Avenue Autumn, Park Avenue Winter... etc.

They change the menu and even the whole decor of the restaurant. Truly clever.

Did I mention I was having dinner with the AMBASSADOR OF SLAVANIA!?

Apparently they are friends of Jim. I mean, who isn't? He's only the sweetest man in the world. You would be lucky to have him as a friend... or a father.

When people made introductions I got nervous when they got to me... Sarah introduced me as Autumn and then said "well... she was almost family."

I was completely depleated.

This is one of those moments. That you can't control.

I looked at Liz. She got the idea and we headed for the restroom.

I let go and cried and told Liz my feelings.

Sarah didn't mean to hurt my feelings but EVERYTHING hurts.

One of the biggest fears I have daily is losing the Seays. Losing my connection to them and the bond that we have made.

We all have come such a long way.

When I first entered the family no one knew what to think about me. "Who's this girl that's changing John? Who's this girl that's taking John away from us?"

There has been so much growth since those first few months... because we all knew we were going to be family. And eventually we figured out we all weren't too different from each other anyway.

I don't want to lose them. Even though I will never have a chance to carry their last name. I want to be part of the family forever.

Liz assured me this wasn't the case. That I won't lose them and it should be the last of my worries.

Liz has a very kind soul.

She would have been the perfect sister-in-law. It sucks they live so far away and it sucks I didn't spend more time with her and Billy when they lived right down the road from us. John and I talked about that a lot. How we wanted to hang out more. But I guess effort wasn't always put forth on both sides.

Those are just things I have to push out of my mind. Because I cant rewind life and I can't make up for lost time. Because I don't have John with me to do it.

I am glad John and I took a trip up to NY to see everyone in late March. I'm glad that we had those moments then... and that those memories will be there forever.

After the breakfast we went to a festival on 3rd Ave.

We bought cheap knock off sunglasses, ate fattening food, and laughed.

and cried.

Sometimes I speak with Jim and that's our time to share our inner thoughts. The kind of thoughts I usually save for this blog. And we cry. In public. On 3rd avenue... with hundreds of people around us in the middle of New York City. But it's ok to cry. Because that's how we grieve. And that's how much we loved.

Leaving NYC was hard. I felt as if I didn't spend enough time with Billy and Liz. I could have stayed a lot longer. And part of me... although I never thought this would happen.... has fallen in love with the city.

Before I left Jim took me and Raheann to the train station to say goodbye. As we entered the station there were street drummers. We both started crying. Anything with drumming and we lose it. He leaned over and told me one of his friends had named a star after John. And it says "the beat goes on..."

If anything the beat goes on forever in the rhythm of my heart. That's where I hold him closest now.

On the train ride back to Long Island a woman asked to sit in front of me.

I said fine (although dissapointed because I wanted to put my feet up...)

It turned out to be Isabella Rossalini.

I tried to talk to her casually (like I would do if ANYONE was sitting right next to me on a train). She turned out to be quite unpleasant.

She is no Jim Seay or Sarah Seay or Liz or Billy Seay.

She is definitely not a Raheann Rudolphi and Billy Fornaci.

She's nothing close to a John Seay.

And I feel bad that she will never get to meet these amazing people that I get to share my life with.