New York

Believe it or not... my flights to New York were successful and practically ZERO anxiety!!!! Praise God! I owe it a big part to my medication I am taking now. I think the anxiety medication was a key part of what I needed to start healing.

Now it doesn't mean I don't have times when I don't get anxious or feel panic. It just minimizes it. Which is good. Because I don't EVER want to have what I had the other day happen again.

When I arrived in New York my sister picked me up.

We went straight from the airport to the long island railroad straigh

t to NYC to see Billy, Liz, Jim and Sarah.

It was nice to be greeted by Jim as soon as I got there. I have been gone away from him for a week and I feel like it's been ages. After all, he's like a father to me. And I live with him. He's my family.

Although I was in the city for about 24 hours.... it was a great escape.

We went out for drinks when I first got there and it was a GREAT surprise that Billy Fornaci and his girlfriend joined us! Her name is Katie and she is absolutely wonderful! I feel like I could have talked to her for hours and hours and never get bored. And she has beautiful looks on the outside to match her sweet soul inside. She would have met John at the wedding. He would have loved her too. She told me how Billy had wrote her a sweet note when he came back from the funeral here. How he told her that their relationship reminded him a lot of me and John's. How we are carefree and fun and always have a good time with each other no matter what. I felt that way too. When I see those two I see a reflection of both John and me. And it doesn't make me sad or jealous. It makes me pleased that there is love in exis

tence out there like that still. That others can carry on what John and I had so special.

The first night we went to a wonderful restaurant for dinner called Cuba de Asia. It was AMAZING. The food was fabulous and the company was even better. Having my sister there with John's family meant the world to me. This was the way it was supposed to be. Two families becoming one. I w

as excited for our families to become one. Raheann was excited to have John as a brother. I was excited to have Billy and Liz as my brother and sister. Then we went to see a musical... American Idiot. Not my musical cup of tea. I am more into uplifting stuff with cute melodies and glittery sets and costumes. But, it WAS broadway. My FIRST broadway show. And I appreciate it. And Jim Seay is just so sweet.

Liz had an encounter (awkwardly) with Colin Hanks. It was pretty funny.

And we also saw Helen Miren. I guess we were with the "it" crowd that night. Saturday night on Broadway. oh yea!

The next morning we had breakfast at a beautiful place called Park Avenue Summer. It's a really unique restaurant because every season they change their name... Park Avenue Autumn, Park Avenue Winter... etc.

They change the menu and even the whole decor of the restaurant. Truly clever.

Did I mention I was having dinner with the AMBASSADOR OF SLAVANIA!?

Apparently they are friends of Jim. I mean, who isn't? He's only the sweetest man in the world. You would be lucky to have him as a friend... or a father.

When people made introductions I got nervous when they got to me... Sarah introduced me as Autumn and then said "well... she was almost family."

I was completely depleated.

This is one of those moments. That you can't control.

I looked at Liz. She got the idea and we headed for the restroom.

I let go and cried and told Liz my feelings.

Sarah didn't mean to hurt my feelings but EVERYTHING hurts.

One of the biggest fears I have daily is losing the Seays. Losing my connection to them and the bond that we have made.

We all have come such a long way.

When I first entered the family no one knew what to think about me. "Who's this girl that's changing John? Who's this girl that's taking John away from us?"

There has been so much growth since those first few months... because we all knew we were going to be family. And eventually we figured out we all weren't too different from each other anyway.

I don't want to lose them. Even though I will never have a chance to carry their last name. I want to be part of the family forever.

Liz assured me this wasn't the case. That I won't lose them and it should be the last of my worries.

Liz has a very kind soul.

She would have been the perfect sister-in-law. It sucks they live so far away and it sucks I didn't spend more time with her and Billy when they lived right down the road from us. John and I talked about that a lot. How we wanted to hang out more. But I guess effort wasn't always put forth on both sides.

Those are just things I have to push out of my mind. Because I cant rewind life and I can't make up for lost time. Because I don't have John with me to do it.

I am glad John and I took a trip up to NY to see everyone in late March. I'm glad that we had those moments then... and that those memories will be there forever.

After the breakfast we went to a festival on 3rd Ave.

We bought cheap knock off sunglasses, ate fattening food, and laughed.

and cried.

Sometimes I speak with Jim and that's our time to share our inner thoughts. The kind of thoughts I usually save for this blog. And we cry. In public. On 3rd avenue... with hundreds of people around us in the middle of New York City. But it's ok to cry. Because that's how we grieve. And that's how much we loved.

Leaving NYC was hard. I felt as if I didn't spend enough time with Billy and Liz. I could have stayed a lot longer. And part of me... although I never thought this would happen.... has fallen in love with the city.

Before I left Jim took me and Raheann to the train station to say goodbye. As we entered the station there were street drummers. We both started crying. Anything with drumming and we lose it. He leaned over and told me one of his friends had named a star after John. And it says "the beat goes on..."

If anything the beat goes on forever in the rhythm of my heart. That's where I hold him closest now.

On the train ride back to Long Island a woman asked to sit in front of me.

I said fine (although dissapointed because I wanted to put my feet up...)

It turned out to be Isabella Rossalini.

I tried to talk to her casually (like I would do if ANYONE was sitting right next to me on a train). She turned out to be quite unpleasant.

She is no Jim Seay or Sarah Seay or Liz or Billy Seay.

She is definitely not a Raheann Rudolphi and Billy Fornaci.

She's nothing close to a John Seay.

And I feel bad that she will never get to meet these amazing people that I get to share my life with.