My real feelings about Halloween

I haven't always been so open with my feelings about Halloween... mainly because everyone is so damn obsessed with it.
I mean it's a BIG freaking deal for some of my friends.
So I just kind of go with the flow.
I decorate the house is various fall colors... wreaths with bright oranges, yellows and browns. Dark reds and scents of cinnamon.
I have some sparkly bats hanging in the living room.

But that's about it.

No grave stones.
No blood.
No skeletons.

Halloween has gotten weird for me since 2010.
When working at Universal since 2007 I have gone to the Halloween Horror Night premieres every year. It's not as crowded, there are $2.00 beers, and you get to see the raw version of Bill and Ted.
But when I went in 2011 with Ryan and some friends it was just really hard.
I had a hard time going through some of the houses and had a panic attack just getting close to one of them.
I can handle vampires and werewolves and fantasy creatures.
But when it comes to dead people... I just can't handle it.

I definitely still suffer some PTSD when it comes to this. I even avoid certain movies because they can literally trigger a panic attack.
Finding John in April 2010 has left this permanent mark inside my brain and heart.
When I see pale, lifeless figures... even though I know they have make up on... I see John.
I do not like scenes with coffins or tombstones.
I don't know why tombstones bother me so much because John never even had one. I guess it just reminds me of death in general and how real it is.
And while many can laugh and have a grand ole' time during this holiday and wear costumes depicting death... I cannot.
I know I sound prudent.
And I know that it's just a "holiday." But for me there's something too real about death and mortality.
I just don't mind moving on from here... on to the happier holidays.

And please don't get me wrong.
I enjoy the yearly Halloween movies like anyone else. Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, etc.
I can even ride Haunted Mansion sometimes at Disney.
In fact, I would MUCH rather go to Disney's Not So Scary party than to HHN now.
If I ever go to HHN the only thing I really do is the Bill and Ted show and houses that don't involve dead bodies. ( which is basically none of them)
But that's about it.

I just thought I would let it out.

That I am broken.

And I guess that it will be this way for awhile.



And I really like Christmas much better.