emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

self destruct in 3...2...1....

i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....

not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent).

one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..."

so. lo' and behold: google.

and here you go:

http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/

specifically read these:

The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]

A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:

1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.

I almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.

So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.

now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted.

And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable.

Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it.

and i know that this can get in the way.

the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..."

it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore.

just sad.

sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over.

did i mention i am in love?

i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy.

of running off ryan.

of losing him.

even though he says it isn't so....

this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.

Meet Ryan

Who is this mystery man... ? this AMAZING fellow to sweep me off my feet? The man who took a leap of faith and enter a relationship others could easily turn their back to. A man who loves me for who I am. All of me. Past and present.

Let's start here:

This was our first official picture as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a weird feeling to take it... but exciting at the same time. It took me some time to post this pic publicly... I felt like I had to keep this secret for a bit...which is no fun.

but it really started here.....

Where is that, you ask?

It's the Denver airport. We had originally met here in 2004. me, being the social person I am, introduced myself after noticing he marched corps. (it was the city finals was in that year...) now keep in mind I hadn't started dating John until Nov. 2004. I met Ryan August 2004. Weird.

he was 17.

i was 20.

it was mostly talking.

and some eating.

and then an exchanging of something new: FACEBOOK. (which had just launched in 2004..) (weird thing is though it was only for college students at first and i think that summer it had just opened up to high school students...)

(yeah i was in college and he was in high school. lol)

7 years down the road we "meet" again.

i introduce myself as if he were a stranger (although in my mind knowing i have met him before). when you have the "widow brain" syndrome you just expect to forget everyone. it happens. i can't even memorize all my students names yet. AND IT'S APRIL.

he reminded me that we had met before. it wasn't until later that night he explained where.

now keep in mind Ryan is working with TCI. He teaches visual. he isn't a drummer like you expect. in fact, he plays trumpet.

he is teaching a show that is dedicated and inspired by John. he's teaching my dead fiance's show.

the same night we re-unite we decide to go on a date the next day...

A DATE.

(i had to clarify actually the next day. lol)

by the end of this date (Feb 13) we realize there's something that has sparked.

by midnight (now Valentine's day) we are hooked.

the next day we decide to be "official"

well.

officially secret.

i was completely nervous to let anyone know i was dating someone.

especially john's family.

i remember i told annie first.

then John's mom.

who told John's dad.

ryan's issue was everyone at TCI. These were all of John's best friends.

he didn't want to look like he was creepin' on John's fiance.

he felt wrong for feeling right.

but eventually we told...

and guess what?

everyone has been very happy and supportive.

i guess i feel bad for doubting that people would be unhappy or disapproving of me trying to obtain happiness again. but, i now know for a certain that i found it. it doesn't make it one lick easy. it makes it easier.

anyway... not gonna lie....

i love this guy.

he makes my heart happy.

Pursuit of Happiness.

Have you ever heard a song and loved it so much you literally listened to it over and over and over...

and over...

and over again.

That was me this morning. On my way to work.

I was in a good mood.

I was listening to Pandora radio on the Girl Talk station. ONE OF THE BEST STATIONS EVER!!!!

Then I heard this song by Kid Cudi called "Pursuit of Happiness."

It's a Hip Hop song... and yes, at the beginning it talks about drinking and drugs... but the song SPOKE to me.

Mainly the chorus:

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know that everything that's shining aint always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it.... I'll be good...."

So. I downloaded the song off itunes immediately.

immediately.

and listened to it the rest of the way to work.

then after work. the whole time home. yes, 30 minute ride home.

then i ran a bubble bath and hooked up my ipod to my Bose and played it again.

ON REPEAT.

my roommate must think I am crazy.

there's always a part talking about dreaming...

he says "tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'... you really don't know about nothing...

tell me what you know about night terrors. nothing!"

I have been having CRAZY dreams once again.

They are completely vivid. They almost always involve John and sometimes randoms like Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0 *uhhh*

But most dreams aren't what I want them to be.

I get so upset (mainly jealous here) when I have people come up and say "oh Autumn!! John was in my dreams last night and saying "everything is ok... blah blah blah wonderful things... blah blah."

WHY THE HELL ISN'T HE COMING TO MY DREAMS AND SAYING THAT???

WHY DOES HE LEAVE ME ALL THE TIME???

WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE ME???

Separation anxiety? yes. i believe so.

I just don't think some people understand some of the things I think and feel... and dream. What do you know of this nightmare? NOTHING.

I wish I could tell you, friend, how to understand.

I wish I could give my boyfriend the answers on how to make things better.

The last thing he wants is for me to be sad.

Funny, that was the last thing John wanted too.

So, how come that's the main theme here?

I am on the pursuit of happiness.

I had found it once.

I want to find it again.

and keep it.

is that too much to ask?

isn't that a God given right I have?????

Isn't it an American right I have????

It's just something I feel like I am not allowed to keep.

Ok, so I find John.

We make it through the good and the bad. We perfect our relationship. We worked hard to get where we were.

WE PURSUED HAPPINESS.

And it was taken.

John died in the peak of happiness.

I have fallen.

far from that happiness which I once sat comfortably with and sipped our cup of happiness tea.

"oh hi, happiness. come sit for awhile. everything is just dandy.... sugar?"

everyone has a different version of happiness.

perhaps yours is money.

perhaps yours is fame.

perhaps yours is to travel the world.

mine is to be in love

to have the love i had before and to continue my story.

to be a wife one day (and a damn fine one at that!!!!)

and to have kids and to love my family.

to focus on raising my family, enjoying my work, and loving everyone whole heartedly.

Pursuing money and fame is difficult. it takes a lot of hard work and charisma. it takes getting the door slammed in your face or switching jobs until you find the right one.

you pursue on your own mainly. if you fail... if you fall... you most likely won't carry others down with you.

Pursuing LOVE is scary!

anything can happen.

you are depending on another person to take care of your heart. another person to trust, to depend on and to love you unconditionally.

with the wounded heart i have... i often fear that if it gets hurt anymore it will surely burst. but, would i rather that than risk never loving again?

Am I lucky enough to fall in love twice and be loved in return???

I'm pursuing it.

more changes.

I really suck at packing.

I keep getting distracted. For instance. Im writing in my blog.

I HATE packing. I don't know anyone that absolute loves it. But I know for sure I 100% loathe it! And of course.... the situation... doesn't make it one bit easier. This is NOT where I thought I was going to be. I thought the next time I packed up my stuff in boxes was because John and I were going to move into our new house. Packing with John would have made this so much easier. But here I am... packing alone. I have had to make some tough decisions with everything. Still can't decide about clothes and shoes. Im at a loss with those items.

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I am packing up and leaving this place behind. I have to close a door. The door I walked merrily into over 5 years ago. I didn't even have a say so in the end. John was taken. I was left behind to figure things out. So far, I haven't gotten too far. I allow others to help guide me on my path. But I have taken the smallest of steps. Someone texted me today and mentioned this move was another baby step. Although I love this person dearly she couldn't be more wrong.
THIS IS A GIANT STEP. A step that terrifies me. Am I really walking anyway? Or floating along?


I made another step yesterday.
It wasn't something I was searching for. It came to me. Which NEVER happens. Except John.
I had to take a hard step yesterday and go to my principal and tell him that I was leaving Walker Middle School. I had been asked by the director of Ocoee Middle School to be her associate director next year. And after thinking about it... and get advice from others... I decided it would be a good choice for me. A direction I needed to take. Not for anyone else but myself. Professionally as well as emotionally. Of course I am going to miss my kids, my awesome administration, my friends I made there, band parents, etc. I will miss it. But part of me was scared about going back. Because everyone knew and I would have to face it everyday. It was a lose/lose situation. They would mention it and I would get upset or they would completely ignore it and I would get upside. Now I get to start somewhere new with someone I like. A team. A support system. And I am actually looking forward to it. I know OMS is a great school and I know that me and Nicolle are going to make a good team. Even if she is a GATOR. :( :)

Now.
Back to packing.
BLAH.