emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

the 27th of November

On November 27th 2004 I picked up the phone and dialed John's number. He picked up and I put on my brave face. I was nervous and shaky. I missed him. I really missed him. We had been separated just a few days and I found out that I couldn't stand to be away from him. So, as he answered the phone I just started with "Ok, John. Let's just make this official!"

This was something we both knew was coming.

Maybe he had known a little longer... especially since he told my friend he was in love with me after 3 months of knowing me.

And that was it. It was official. We finally could introduce ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was sort of a relief. I don't know why it took me 3 months to figure it out. I mean, there was some things we needed to get situated first. We definitely had stuff to work through... and I was a bit leary in the beginning... but I knew my decision was ok. That we were going to be a good couple.

Oh boy, was I ever right. Every month was a celebration. 1 month, 2 months, 3, 4, 5... people made fun of us all the time for celebrating the months. But why not? Celebrating loving someone is something I can always make time for. We ate out, exchanged gifts, and celebrated. I was absolutely in love. And as time went on our relationship got tighter, better, and stronger. Things that were a worry before had cleared themselves up. We made sacrifices for each other to better our relationship. That's what love is about. To sacrifice things (time, posessions, etc.) to better yourself and the one you love. To better the relationship you have together.

As we hit year one we stop celebrating months... but the year marks were always a HUGE deal. Last year John and I took a trip to Savannah, GA for our anniversary. It was a fantastic time. It was the best last anniversary to have... and I will never forget the time we spent there together.

John and I at a fountain at Forsyth Park in Savannah, GA.

Blowing out our 5 year anniversary cupcake candle!

So, yesterday was supposed to be 6 years. 6 years of being "official." Before a facebook status made you offcial. John's parents still celebrate their dating anniversary. By this anniversary we would have been married and looking forward to our first marriage anniversary. Hard to believe.. how different things are now.

John pouring a glass of wine for our 4th anniversary at our old apartment.... he surprised me with gifts and he made dinner! :)

I miss having those times to celebrate. Celebrating love. Our own special date.

It's hard to swallow the truth that I have to start all over again one day. It's hard to imagine it being anyone but John.