the 27th of November

On November 27th 2004 I picked up the phone and dialed John's number. He picked up and I put on my brave face. I was nervous and shaky. I missed him. I really missed him. We had been separated just a few days and I found out that I couldn't stand to be away from him. So, as he answered the phone I just started with "Ok, John. Let's just make this official!"

This was something we both knew was coming.

Maybe he had known a little longer... especially since he told my friend he was in love with me after 3 months of knowing me.

And that was it. It was official. We finally could introduce ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was sort of a relief. I don't know why it took me 3 months to figure it out. I mean, there was some things we needed to get situated first. We definitely had stuff to work through... and I was a bit leary in the beginning... but I knew my decision was ok. That we were going to be a good couple.

Oh boy, was I ever right. Every month was a celebration. 1 month, 2 months, 3, 4, 5... people made fun of us all the time for celebrating the months. But why not? Celebrating loving someone is something I can always make time for. We ate out, exchanged gifts, and celebrated. I was absolutely in love. And as time went on our relationship got tighter, better, and stronger. Things that were a worry before had cleared themselves up. We made sacrifices for each other to better our relationship. That's what love is about. To sacrifice things (time, posessions, etc.) to better yourself and the one you love. To better the relationship you have together.

As we hit year one we stop celebrating months... but the year marks were always a HUGE deal. Last year John and I took a trip to Savannah, GA for our anniversary. It was a fantastic time. It was the best last anniversary to have... and I will never forget the time we spent there together.

John and I at a fountain at Forsyth Park in Savannah, GA.

Blowing out our 5 year anniversary cupcake candle!

So, yesterday was supposed to be 6 years. 6 years of being "official." Before a facebook status made you offcial. John's parents still celebrate their dating anniversary. By this anniversary we would have been married and looking forward to our first marriage anniversary. Hard to believe.. how different things are now.

John pouring a glass of wine for our 4th anniversary at our old apartment.... he surprised me with gifts and he made dinner! :)

I miss having those times to celebrate. Celebrating love. Our own special date.

It's hard to swallow the truth that I have to start all over again one day. It's hard to imagine it being anyone but John.

I know that time brings change... and change takes time

I get the "it takes time" talk a lot.

And if anyone knows me well enough.... you will know some things about me instantly:

1) I over-analyze EVERYTHING. it's just what I do
2) I am loud. always.
3) I don't bullshit you.
4) I have no patience

So, this whole "it takes time" thing is NOT my cup of tea. I want results... and I want them NOW. I am ready to stop feeling this way. I want to feel the way i did before April 22. Happy with life... content... accomplished... moving forward...

but.

and there's always the but.

because a but always represents reality.

in reality.... as much as I hate it... it's going to take time. It took me a few months to fall in love with John. It took us 5 and half years to figure how the perfect relationship. So, 6 months will not make anything magically go away. My feelings for John have not stopped. I am still very much in love with him and who he was. I still have high expectations when it comes to men...and people. And I am still learning how to go through this journey of grief. I pass milestones daily. small and BIG. they all matter because they all are a step for me.
I feel like this has been a slow journey. I feel like days linger without John.
When you're down... the world turns slowly.

I am aware that with time wil come a change in my life.
I am changing daily.
My personality has changed a little.
My demeanor.
My outlook on life.
My treatment of others,
My hobbies and work ethic.

What happened to me has forced me to change... but not exactly WHO I am. Because I am still very much me... just with a varying perspective.
Change takes time.
I cannot expect to find anyone to replace John anytime soon.
Do I miss love? You bet.
Do I wish I had someone to come home to every night? of course.
There is a part inside of me that begs for affection.
Just because I lost John doesn't mean I don't crave natural things... like intimacy... and sex.
I think about sex a lot now.
Probably more than I ever have.
Because it's been takin away from me.
I long to be touched and kissed and held. I long to hear the words "I love you" and not just from friends and family... but by an intimate partner.
I imagine sometimes that John whispers those words in my ear as I sleep at night. And that is my fuel to survive another day. Because he loves me still... even from heaven.

But time is moving forward.
At it's usual pace.
And then there are times when I feel like... wow... this went by fast. I only feel that way when I reach a big milestone... like our wedding date. I couldn't believe it was already here. it was hard to imagine I had spent that much time without John and how I was so anxious to get married... and the day came and went. And it's gone and now looming ahead are the holidays. The dreaded holidays. It's like a punch in the face.

So, how long will this pain linger?
Will I carry this forever?
When will I be TRULY happy again?

Only time.... will tell.