hitting milestones

today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.

it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.

before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.

we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.


On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...

I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...

After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.

and a place i enjoy with ryan now.

i love st. augustine. 

i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :) 

One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.

I looked at Ryan and started to cry.

"You are one day older than John..."

He looked back at me and said "I know."

We had both been secretly thinking about that.

About Ryan outliving John.

And making it past day 17.

And he did.

I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.

It's hard. It's weird.

But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.

the dresses.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for a wedding, I had set aside a dress I knew I would be wearing that evening...
but, just for fun, I tried on a couple older dresses...
and it was a bit of a wake up call.

Since John passed I have gained about 20 pounds. Although none of my friends will admit I look bigger ... it's clearly evident when I can't zip up any dresses I was able to wear over a year ago. In fact, Ryan broke one of the zippers when trying to zip me up. I ended up wearing a dress where I felt completely uncomfortable all night and I felt like my boobs were spilling out of the top constantly. It's uncomfortable being fat.
Besides the fat thing the dresses in my closet had a second fault. They taunted me. And one in particular haunted me.
they were all reminders of past events.
Most of celebration.
and one not so much.
These dresses had been with me in moments shared with John. They each had a story to them... and yet, part of me realized... it was time to refresh the wardrobe.
I guess it was part anger.
Part depression.
Part willpower.
Part courage.

It was something... something that made me put the dresses in the back seat of my car and drive to a local consignment shop. I handed over the dresses and the lady looked at each one thoughtfully. each time she had nothing but nice comments to say "oh, this one is nice..." "oh i like this.. " "you have nice taste."
And then it started.
The hot feeling in the face.
The rush of wet.
My eyes flooding.
I was crying over these pieces of material.

The first was a black dress from express. size 8. ha!!!!!!!
**CRIES**
It was a "little black dress."
My most memorable moment in this dress was probably for Holly's birthday. I remember we were in city walk and holly had gotten a lot of gifts. It was then that John, being the gentleman he always was, took ALL of her gifts and brought them back to the car for her... which was quite a hike to the parking garage. I remember there was a vase of flowers he had to carry and he looked so cute holding them with the balloons. You could tell he was doing it to be polite but in a way he may have had regret once he had the vase of flowers in his hand...

Next dress...

I wore this dress to my friend Danielle's wedding. It was BCBG... my favorite designer. Most of my dresses came from that designer. This was the same wedding where i had caught the bouquet and John made a point to catch the garter since last time he had to watch some random guy put it on my leg. He vowed that would never happen again. And it never did. He got to put it on my leg that night... with his teeth... and boy did we milk it. The DJ was nervous we didn't know each other. It was a good memory in a nice springy dress.

Dress #3 also was worn at a few weddings... and was my most favorite dress of all...

It was most famously worn to John's brother's wedding. (seen here in this picture I absolutely ADORE of us).

It was a perfect "autumn" dress... complete with leaves on the bottom.

Beautiful browns... perfect cut... for my then body.

My body now wouldn't be able to squeeze half a boob in it. So, to the consignment it goes. 

I wore that dress to couple other weddings as well... but my favorite of all is Billy and Liz's. Its a wedding that I don't think many others can compare to. Although I swore up and down that mine would have... me and john wanted it to at least match the standard that Billy and Liz had set up. It was the ultimate Seay wedding.

Dress #4 is older.

It's another simple black dress that I had bought for a very special occassion.

It was the dress I wore to my college graduation. It's a bit of a risque dress now that I think about it.. it had a plunge neckline and showed a great deal of cleavage. I didn't mind at the time because:

1) I was being covered my a huge graduation gown

2) I had a great rack then!

But it's one of those dresses that I had to move on from... both because of not fitting it and not knowing when I would be able to "show off the ladies" like that ever again in my late 20's. ew.

Dress #5... the one that brought me to tears.

In my final photo with John ever taken I am wearing this dress. We were on our way to an event for the Orlando Philharmonic... 

I remember how excited I was to go to this event. How i got to show off my new accessory... MY ENGAGEMENT RING! How we got to be introduced as each other's fiance. I remember so much that night. I remember the excitement of being dressed up and going to a formal event. It was like we truly felt like we fit in for a change. We both felt so mature... the evening felt very right. The wine was endless and the food was fantastic. I remember sneaking in to grab a dessert before everyone and how John laughed about it... and how we almost kept falling into this pond with stones for steps. I remember walking in the back garden and holding hands. I remember this night.... and so does that dress.

The last dress I knew I would never wear again.

I am leaving out the picture although I have posted one before.

It was the dress I wore to John's funeral.

It was picked out for me by my friends. 

The time in my life where people made decisions for me because I honestly couldn't take care of myself nor did I care to.

But i knew this dress would have to be special. Because it was the last thing I would wear "for John." It was black and lacey. And honestly I felt like it was made for a funeral. I can't imagine ever trying to wear it again. It would be almost morbid.

So, I am glad to see it go.

But, so sad that I had to wear it for such an occassion. 

It's hard to imagine i let it sit there in my closet and haunt me. And when I touched it I am touching a moment in time where my life had gone to complete black... as black as the color of this dress itself.

Leaving these dresses at the consignment shop may be something I regret later.

Ok, I regretted it as soon as I drove away.

And it sounds like I am giving up...

like I know I will never be that size again or that I am letting go of memories. 

But, I'm not to both.

I am determined to lose weight and fit into those sizes again. I just think it's fitting in my life to get new dresses for new memories. And I could never let go of these amazing memories... that each dress carried with them. Perhaps the person that buys these dresses will have some amazing memories in them too. I pray no one has to wear one to a funeral. 

I just kind of had this urge.

This feeling inside.

To make some extra room in my closet.

to match the extra room i am making in my heart.

Surviving the first wedding...

I knew this day would come.
I had been thinking about it for months....
The day I would attend John's best friend's wedding. Tim and Lisa got engaged a few months before me and John... but their wedding would be after ours. Ours in Oct/Nov and theirs in Dec. We were very excited about it at the time. Two married couples hanging out together and sharing married couple moments together.
And then I lost John.
And then the reality set in.
There was no wedding for us anymore.
But everyone else's lives would continue.... weddings, engagements, babies, etc.

12-11-10.
Tim and Lisa's unforgettable wedding date.

I got dressed up in a new dress. I wore Annie's ridiculously high heel shoes and I had my hair curled by a hair dresser. I wanted to look nice. I wanted to look as put together as possible. My intentions this summer were to lose weight by the wedding time and show people how really put together I was. But what expectations I set for myself... ha
I showed up at the church for the ceremony... running a little late with Annie and John's mom. We made it just in time. All the parents were being escorted down the aisle....and then the groomsmen. One of them being John's dad who was asked by Tim to stand in for John. As he walked down the aisle all I could think about was John's face... him dressed in a tux smiling as he walked in with Tim and the other men. I was so happy for Jim (John's dad) being so strong. He was really doing a great job of standing in for John. I couldn't believe how put together he was. And I wanted to be the same.
But the scene was so familiar.
A church decorated.
Classical wedding music. A violin. A singer. An organ player. Flowers and candles. People dressed up.
I am tearing up a little. Just the atmosphere alone makes me emotional. Why hasnt this been me? Why am I sitting down at a wedding in a pew? Why am I not in my wedding gown holding my dad's hand and with butterflies in my stomach? Instead my face is heating up. My eyes are uncontrollably watering and my mind is filling with jealousy. I try and stop. I need to be happy for my friends. But I am not jealous of them in particular. I am just angry. I am just upset that I am back to square one. I am single at a wedding but I have a beautiful ring on my left finger. Because I can't stand to take it off. Because it still represents a promise to me. Then Lisa walks down the aisle. She is beautiful... as every bride should be. She is happy and beaming. The whole ceremony was emotional for me. I had no tissues either so I kept wiping my tears with my hands and wiping them on the pews. (well I sure wasn't wiping it on my dress). At one point Tim and Lisa were lighting their unity candles and the vocalist sang "Grow Old Along with Me" ... a song I was going to have played at our wedding.
The lyrics are so pretty....

"Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love
Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love
Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end
Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love "

That made me sad.
But. In the end the ceremony ended. A new husband and wife were formed... and their lives are just beginning.

On to the reception. We got there an hour early and I took in a beer with Annie and Sarah. Once the reception started I mingled with John's friends... gave my congrats to the bride and groom....and took pictures.
I was a bit dissapointed my friend Mike didn't show up.
Was so happy to see Jeff! He's been on tour with Blue Man Group forever and it was nice to say hi. People that helped me survive the night for sure were Annie, Jim and Sarah and Billy Fornaci and his girlfriend. They were the most fun of all.
Once we sat down at the reception you had your classic reception lineup. The wedding party coming out... the first dance... the toasts. And that's where things got hard. I kept imagining my own wedding during all these things. How it would have been different and how it would have been the same. And the toasts... to a full life together... and blah blah... I was slowly losing it... I held back the tears as much as I could until it went into a full wail. Annie put her arm on me while Jim came to my rescue. He slipped me out the side door that went into the kitchen while I just wailed and cried. I started to gasp and gulp. I was having a full on melt down. How could this be happening??? Is this really my life now?? Back to going to weddings and never being the bride I have always wanted to be. Attending weddings as a guest.... but never as the bride. How close I was to that happiness. How close WE were to it. I am so pissed John will never get that chance. At least I have a chance in the future... to find love again. To possibly get married. To someone I love. To have children and live a happy life together on Earth. John, however, was not given that chance.
In the back of the kitchen John's dad kept telling me to "think about Tim and Lisa" and how it was their day to be happy for them. And I am. And I was. But I can't not just stop and think of the shoulda coulda wouldas. The regrets and jealously and anger all rolled up into a happy occasion.
I put myself together and made my way back out. I made in through the rest of the wedding. All thanks to alcohol and friends.
And I woke up this morning with a hangover.
And another hurdle was jumped. And there are so many more to come.

Uncomfortable

People have mentioned to me how afraid they have been to speak to me recently about John... John's death... or to even speak to me at all.

This is definitely not the case it should be.

In what other time in my life do I need people more?

Why of all times would people want to avoid me?

I lost the love of my life. I don't want to lose anyone else.



Books said I will. They said people will start showing their true colors. Because to many people... death is still a tabu thing in their life. Many people don't experience death at such a young age as myself. Most won't experience this extreme loss until furthur into their lives. And then they will be surronded by more people that have the experience. I don't have that same support. I am 26. I lost my fiance'. I am young. I had a future ahead of me.

People want to avoid things that are unpleasant. So, people will tend to avoid me. I feel like others may feel like my experience with death will taint their perfect little lives. An interuption they can't deal with right now. They feel like "well, there is nothing I can do."

They are right... somewhat.

They can't give me what i long for the most. They can't return John. They can't suture up my heart and have it completely heal.

But, not even I can do that.

Is this a reason for people to give up?

Because it's uncomfortable?

Life is UNCOMFORTABLE. It's not easy and there are struggles. My hope is that when people start feeling like "this isn't easy... talking to her..." that they only imagine what is going on in my mind. How uncomfortable almost evry situation I go through in life is.

Even church.

Today's service?

Marriage and sex.

OF COURSE.

I sit there in church listening to God's word on love and finding a perfect partner... and hearing Solomon describe his wife's boobs.

How awkward. What timing. The couples in the room are laughing. I would have been too. I would have nudged John's arm when something relevant came up. But for now I am trying to now burst into tears or show my discomfort. Luckily in the service Andi was there. With my right hand I grabbed her left. In my left hand a tissue. A tissue in her right hand. A mirror image of our uncomfortable lives. A month apart. Our lives coming together by fate. By God.



These past two days I have been spending a lot of time with James and Matthew (John's nephews). I have really enjoyed it although it is EXHAUSTING. I have jokingly told Kelly "Im not having kids..." (ha?) I don't mean it. Im terribly heartbroken I won't have a Seay baby.



Yesterday when I went out to the hall to see the boys one of them came up to me and asked "Where is Uncle John." I froze and my eyes searched for Annie's eyes. Hers were watering. So were mine. They asked again "where is Uncle John..." I can't speak. Annie is my voice. Her voice shakes with a response "Uncle John went bye bye for awhile." She looks to me and mouths the word "sorry."

I turn around and go back to my room and shut the door and cry.

But then I try and get brave. I try and compose myself and go outside to play with the boys. I ended up spending the rest of the day with them. But, I guess I should have cried more earlier. Because once I put them to bed.... I lost it. I ran into the bathroom whee Andrea was showering and asked her to keep me company. She ran me a bath and stayed in the room with me while I spilled out my feelings. I am far over being naked in front of her. I used to chase her around the house naked anyway when we were in college. (don't ask how I got so comfortable with my body... this must have been in my skinnier, tanner drum corps days).

I told Andrea many things that saddened me, pissed me off, scared me, etc.



One of the things I mentioned to Andrea was this:

A couple nights after John proposed to me I looked over at him and started to giggle. Then I said.. "oh my God!!! I can't catch bouquets anymore!" You see. I have this thing. I have this record. I am a champ when it comes to catching bouquets at weddings. The last one I caught was at my friend Danielle's wedding. John caught the garter. Mainly because the wedding before when I caught the bouquet...he didn't and hated every second of watching a drunk guy put something up my leg. LOL. He swore he wouldn't let that happen again.

So, sobbing in the bath... my tears feeling cold with the heat of the bath... I told Andrea how I would eventually be back in that single woman group that chased after a bouquet again. Chasing a dream, really.For me, it was more like giving John a hint. "John. It's my 8th bouquet! I think it's about time, baby!"

I am attending John's best friend's wedding in December. But I am sure I won't line up to catch a bouquet. Because I probably won't ever have this expression when I catch one again:

:(