He's a keeper!

Once again my blog is taking the back seat. And it's not like I want it to. I really do want to share and write down all the things that have been happening in my life... it's just also because of my new chapter in my life that I have decided to give it a bigger focus. But I really feel like it's important to share this part. Because it proves a point. It proves that you can find happiness and love again. It is out there. For all of you skeptics. And for those of you who have never found it at all. I have found that.

again.

In a few minutes it will be April.

The month I have dreaded.

The month I never thought would come again and the month I swore I would never make it through.

But, without expecting this... I have someone to hold my hand through it... literally hold my hand and tell me it's ok. A man. A man who hasn't run away from this. Who embraces it.. because it makes me who I am. Crazy and all i guess.

I am not saying April will be easy. at all.

I just know for certain it will be easier.

And through these past few weeks I am VERY certain this is true.

Because through dating Ryan I have realized what an amazing person he is. What a strong heart he has and what a sweet soul he has as well.

Yesterday was a big step.

Ryan got to meet my other parents.

Ryan got to meet John's parents.

I know this situation may seem odd for some people. Especially for those who have had a bad relationship with the in-laws after losing their loved one. I get that. You really couldn't care less to introduce your future beaus. You couldn't give a damn what their opinions were or even if they ever knew. This is NOT the case with John's parents and family. Because they are VERY much still my family.. and will always be. (as i have stated before many times).

I asked Ryan if he was ready.... and he was.

John's dad had wanted me to come over and finish sorting out John's things before the 5th of April (John's birthday).

I knew having ryan come with me would be a good thing.

It was refreshing to go back to the Seay house... it's been awhile since I was there. It was a different feeling walking in holding the hand of someone else. But, it wasn't a bad feeling. just different. Ryan met Jim, Sarah, Annie, Edgar and the boys. Everyone was very receptive... even the boys were clinging to his legs once they got comfortable. They did ask me once "is this your dad?" I laughed and said no. "Mr. Tim is my dad."

"who is this?"

oh dear. what do you tell 3 year olds??

"this is ryan."

ok, that was easy.

no need for a big explanation here.... 3 year olds just want a concrete answer anyway. details can be explained later.

Ryan and Jim sat in the living room and chatted.

Then the three of us sat in the kitchen and chatted.

Then we went upstairs... oh boy.

We entered the room which was once mine and John's room. I pointed this out to Ryan... showing him where I slept and pointing out John's Phantom Regiment frame on the wall. He looked it over... actually very interested in everything....

i am sure that this is his way of getting to know John better. to understand the man who loved me before.

Then Jim sat me down and showed me the final things needed to be sorted out of John's... ties, drum keys, little trinkets....

and then the box.

which held all of John's personal items from his wallet and car.

The box we all hated to go through.

Jim left the room for this part. It was hard enough as it was... and he had already began to cry... in front of me and ryan. I was nervous. How would Ryan react??? He sat there silently and rubbed my back. I almost felt as if he wanted to reach out to Jim too. But the moment passed... and I was relieved it did.

I sorted through the box with ryan by my side. He held me close and rubbed my back as I shuffled through John's credit cards, IDs, pressed pennies and a picture holder... filled all with photos of me. I took each one out and kept them. I offered them to Ryan and he said he felt bad taking them... I guess as if taking them away from John. Which I understand.

I kept a pressed penny that said Braves on it. John's favorite baseball team. Ryan is a yankee and that's ok. I will root for both :)

I kept a piece of paper a fellow employee gave to John stating what a great job he was doing at work.

And everything else I placed back.

John's cards have no more use anymore... and I just know that keeping these cards are not what I need.... especially considering I already have so much other things of his.

I cried while going through all these things.

i cried because this was all that was left.

John's life placed into ziplock bags and tiny boxes. Pieces of him distributed to those who loved him most.

But no John.

Ryan wrapped his arms around me when we were finished.... he held me until I stopped crying and then joined me to walk down the hall to John's parent's room to watch a dvd Jim had made. On our way down the hall I made note of the room where I had found John. I wanted Ryan to know. But he had already figured it out. He asked me if it was the same and I told him no... that it had been changed dramatically.

I also showed him the other quilts I made for John's family.

Then we watched the video of John singing at a 50s party at school. It was hilarious to watch. We were all laughing.

Ryan included.

He doesn't grow tired of hearing John stories, or comforting me when I cry.... he actually loves listening to them.

He is almost inspired.

Today I told him a story of a Valentine's gift John had gotten me and my roommates once and Ryan was like "this is good information to know..."

I make sure Ryan knows that I don't try to compare them. I don't flaunt things like "John did this... and John did that...why don't you?"

It would be very odd if any of these things were replicated.

Now, odd coincidences... yes, those happen. But, those are just what they are. A coincidence.

Ryan's respect for John's place in my life and heart is admirable. He truly is a one of a kind guy.

And John's family realized this immediately.

As we left the house John's dad bragged on how Ryan was so brave to take on two dads and the spirit of my ex fiance.

And he then assured him that all three were pleased to have him in our lives.

This was refreshing and weird.

first, hearing ex fiance was odd. it sounds like we broke up.

second, it does feel like i have extra support both earthly and spiritually looking out for my well being and making sure that I am taken care of.

It was a successful visit.

when i got home I had an email waiting for me from Jim

Subject: Ryan

Message: Is a KEEPER!!!!!

I couldn't agree more :)

I think I will keep him.

ilymtli.

still.

In Your Corner....

blogging has taken a back seat lately.

for multiple reasons.

1) life.

life is happening.

2) Work

School has been kicking my ass lately.... mainly because it's MPA season. This time every year is a time to do the freak out thing. every music director goes through it. especially in orange county. the pressure on your kids performance is overwhelming. it almost takes the fun out of it. the fun out of teaching. three strangers judging you and your kids on ONE performance... and then the rest of your colleagues judge you from there.

but something happened this year.

i decided to taper off my medication. well, paxil. and it has been one hell of a ride. as in HELL. Nausea, dizziness, tingling, vomiting, dry heaving, extreme headaches, exhaustion, etc. etc.

UGH.

so, on the friday before MPA week I got terribly sick.

just, horrible.

i came to work thinking the feeling would subside like it usually does. throughout all the reading I have done it always encourages you to "get out of bed!" And i did...

but in the end i sat in my office and struggled with myself.

i couldn't stay.

when i told nicole she was furious... as i guessed she would be. i felt bad. but always hated feeling bad for feeling bad.

i honestly have done an AMAZING job of keeping my emotions out of my work life. this day it was different. i needed to go home and rest it off.

and i did.

and when i came back on monday my principal called me into her office and said i would not be conducting my bands at MPA. that nicole would take over for me.

that the stress was just too much for me.

i was just mortified.

that this is where my life had come down to.

where my emotions literally have taken control of my life. that people consider me too unstable to handle situations under pressure.

to be honest it had NOTHING to do with MPA and all to do with my medications.

as much as i begged it ended up nicole did take my band.

and they did great.

i went with nicole when her band performed. and i did break down. quietly. silently. in front of a parent actually.

because john died exactly one week after MPA last year. i remember he sent me these amazing text messages telling me what a great teacher i was and how my kids would do great because of that. he was ALWAYS in my corner.

i scanned through his last texts to me. i read the ones he sent to me last year during MPA while I was stressing out here and he was working with tci in Dayton. I hated that he wasnt around during my MPA. back then it seemed like a big deal.

now.... now that i know....

i would have skipped it all just to have a few extra days with him. by the time we both got back from our trips after MPA/Dayton we had 4 days with each other. But, they were great days. Great, great days.

which leads into #3.....

3) Ryan.

who was unexpected and now ... so appreciated. Ryan was an answer to a prayer. a prayer which i had been praying for a while now. his companionship... our relationship... has flourished in a short time and has given me a brightness inside which i have not had in a long time. it's a small bloom of a beautiful flower. i can see good things happening in it's future.... but really trying to live in the moment and enjoy now.

when i wake up everyday and go to my bathroom there is a quote on the wall that says "live one day at a time..."

this is my new motto.

and will be for the rest of my life.

with Ryan we take it one day at a time.

i do not try and compare him to John. I do not expect things from him that i once had. i only expect him to be himself. something different and new.... which is totally ok to have.

this doesn't mean i have forgotten john. nor does it mean i don't long for john's existence in my life.

all i know is that I have a new person in my corner.

someone that looks past the grief and the sorrow and sees something inside that others may not see.

he sees me.

he sees who i am.

and even maybe who i once was.

he doesn't see death.

he doesn't shun me if i cry or if i tell a memory.

he embraces it.

he doesn't give me a hard time about my emotions and the crazy roller coaster of shit that accompanies my medication withdrawal.

he says i am amazing and sweet and kind.

and beautiful.

obviously, he sees something that i can't even see....

but he says "i am in your corner... " and i know he means it.

4) withdrawal

as you may have gathered from the above writing... medication withdrawal is a BITCH. At least coming off Paxil is. I don't people quite grasp it's seriousness. and honestly i feel there are people that don't believe me when i explain it.... like i am weak and making up excuses. like i just need attention or that i need another thing in my life to feel bad about. trust me, the last thing i want is to feel like shit physically on top of what i feel emotionally.

NO ONE should have to go through this. and i wish i had done my research before i got on the meds... but in a time of crisis... in a time where all you can think about is dulling the pain... you will do anything. and medication was an answer at the time.

the other day John's dad sent me an email after i told him what happened at work and with my withdrawal. He said he was proud of me. PROUD of me for going off the meds and being strong... and he ended his email with "im in your corner.."

All these amazing people in my corner.

some very apparent and present.

some in my corner and are far away.

some ... i don't even know about but are there from a distance... thinking of me. rooting for me.

i have people who want to see me happy. they want to see me better.

they are on my side. on my team. and cheering me on. some... perhaps carrying me through sometimes.

it took some time for me to realize how many were in my corner.

but, now my eyes are opening.

and of all those people... 2 amazing men... one on Earth and one in Heaven are rooting the hardest.

Honorary Seay

I have made my way back to my second home: North Carolina.

I am in a familiar place with familiar, loving faces. My brother, my sister-in-law and my 3 nieces. I also met up with my dad and puppy here. That's right... my dad took Lily up on his own and now has declared I will no be getting her back. ha.

I usually make my way up here for he holidays. Last year the family actually came to me for Christmas. But, even when I would fly up here (with John) we always left in time to have Christmas Eve and Christmas with John's family. It will be weird... not going to their house for Christmas. I will not be in Florida until Dec. 28... the day after my birthday. I will not be attending the Christmas Eve dinner with the Seays or attending the Christmas Eve service with John's dad at his church. Where we sing Silent Night holding candles in the dark and everyone doesn't know the second and third verses. And John rolls his eyes as I sing in harmony. :) I will not be waking up in the Seay house this year and watching the boys unwrap their gifts.... or doing my gift exchange with my secret Santa. It's all changing. Although I am with my family here... I am still leaving behind my family there. It really makes me feel torn. I always felt that way at Christmas anyway. But, I just wanted to make John happy. I wanted to experience a big family Christmas. And it makes me so sad to know that I lost part of that.

But... I have something to be thankful for. Something I feel many widows don't have to be thankful for. I am still VERY close with John's family. I have met many who have lost their spouse/boyfriend/fiance and have found that the relationship with the family of their loved one have dramatically deminished if not completely fallen apart. Death can turn people against one another. People want to point blame. They want to ignore what happened. They want to disconnect from the reminder of their loss. And often times that means disconnecting from the person that was closest to them. Their wife. Their fiance. Theiur girlfriend. It's a tragic story. But one I am thankfully not having to experience. I think the bond that I created with John's family before his death has reflected a lot in the relationship I have with him after his death. I mean., this was like my second family. I lived with them. I took family vacations with them. When they did something as a family... I was right there with them... holding on to John's arm. A big part of why our relationship has stayed so strong is because the type of people John's family is. They are some of the most loving, thoughtful, sacrificing people you will meet on this planet. Especially Jim Seay.

When I went over for Jim's birthday the other day I was immediately greeted with a hug as I entered the house. Then Jim asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him to pick up the boys. In the car Jim started to burst into tears and let me know he was having a hard day. He said all he wanted for his birthday was John. I lost it two. And there we were. A familiar picture. Jim and Autumn crying together. We are comfortable doing this. We aren't ashamed. We know that it's ok to cry... and then we quickly try to compose ourselves. We picked up the boys and then went back to the house for birthday festivities. Whenever we have our family gatherings now there is just something missing. Obviously John. It's so obvious. It's on everyone's mind. And it drives me crazy that it isn't mentioned. I just want to scream it out sometimes "anyone else notice who's missing????" I always feel like John needs to be recognized. That he's being left out and forgotten. He should be there celebrating with us.

During gift opening I had a mild breakdown. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes. What set me off? A gift Sarah had made for Jim... DVD's that were a compilation of all their VHS tapes of home videos. Many were of the kids... younger versions of John, Annie, Billy and Henry. Although I did not know this younger version of John Seay... it reminded me of how he was gone. And what remained were things such as these. Video tapes. Proving his existence. John used to always talk about these video tapes and we were always supposed to watch them together and laugh. I cannot imagine the strength it will take for any of his family members to watch these now. For it is something I would not be able to do yet.

When it was time for me to leave Jim walked me outside to the car and hugged me. We sobbed some more and I told him how thankful I was and how lucky I was to have them still in my life. I explained not everyone had that. Jim then told me something that was very insightful. He told me that when he got to Heaven and stood face to face with his son that he would want him to be proud of the way he took care of me and treated me. Jim feels like taking care of me is something that John would want him to do. And I know that John would want me to take care of his family too. And it makes sense. John would never want us to lose the bond it took so many years to create. They are my family. They will always be my family. John is our link and he will remain a strong link throughout my lifetime. Thank God for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without his family. I would surely be lost and I would WAY behind in this journey and process. I know I would be a complete mess without their support and love. How could anyone else be so heartless? How could others turn their backs on those who were loved by their sons? It just doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they want to honor their sons by continuing that love that their child had displayed for another? Wouldn't they see the example that was set before them? How selfish and cold can someone possibly be to cut off this person from their lives? It really sickens me.

I have started reading a book titled "Im grieving as Fast as I can." FINALLY! A book for YOUNG widows! So far everything I have read I can relate to. If you are a young widow I am telling you right now... GET THIS BOOK. You can get it for really cheap on half.com. I think I got mine for 1.50. No kidding. I even bought one for my friend Andi. I am going to post some things from the book later and bring up some interesting points from it. Some things I feel need to be shared.

Update on John's Quilt: I have reached $1000 towards John's quilts!!! I am a few hundred away from covering costs so for that I am very pleased. Thank you to all that have helped me. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I do my best to try and return the favors. Once the quilts are in I will show a list of all donors. It's amazing how many people have helped out. I will forever be grateful. You all are my rock.

Update on mole removal: I removed stitches on my own. I'm sso brave. It was no big deal. And they were ready to go. It's healing nice... still some bruising and swelling. But, it's not as noticeable. For only being 4 days I am impressed so far. I will post a before and after pic soon :)

Update on tattoo: Was supposed to get it yesterday but Andi couldn't go with me. I will get it after the winter break.

Update on birthday: Please join me on Dec. 29th at Columbia restaurant in Celebration at 6:30pm for my birthday dinner.

Only a few more days of surviving the holidays. Then surviving my birthday. Then surviving new years... and ringing OUT 2010.

Really, let's just get this over with.

Surviving the first wedding...

I knew this day would come.
I had been thinking about it for months....
The day I would attend John's best friend's wedding. Tim and Lisa got engaged a few months before me and John... but their wedding would be after ours. Ours in Oct/Nov and theirs in Dec. We were very excited about it at the time. Two married couples hanging out together and sharing married couple moments together.
And then I lost John.
And then the reality set in.
There was no wedding for us anymore.
But everyone else's lives would continue.... weddings, engagements, babies, etc.

12-11-10.
Tim and Lisa's unforgettable wedding date.

I got dressed up in a new dress. I wore Annie's ridiculously high heel shoes and I had my hair curled by a hair dresser. I wanted to look nice. I wanted to look as put together as possible. My intentions this summer were to lose weight by the wedding time and show people how really put together I was. But what expectations I set for myself... ha
I showed up at the church for the ceremony... running a little late with Annie and John's mom. We made it just in time. All the parents were being escorted down the aisle....and then the groomsmen. One of them being John's dad who was asked by Tim to stand in for John. As he walked down the aisle all I could think about was John's face... him dressed in a tux smiling as he walked in with Tim and the other men. I was so happy for Jim (John's dad) being so strong. He was really doing a great job of standing in for John. I couldn't believe how put together he was. And I wanted to be the same.
But the scene was so familiar.
A church decorated.
Classical wedding music. A violin. A singer. An organ player. Flowers and candles. People dressed up.
I am tearing up a little. Just the atmosphere alone makes me emotional. Why hasnt this been me? Why am I sitting down at a wedding in a pew? Why am I not in my wedding gown holding my dad's hand and with butterflies in my stomach? Instead my face is heating up. My eyes are uncontrollably watering and my mind is filling with jealousy. I try and stop. I need to be happy for my friends. But I am not jealous of them in particular. I am just angry. I am just upset that I am back to square one. I am single at a wedding but I have a beautiful ring on my left finger. Because I can't stand to take it off. Because it still represents a promise to me. Then Lisa walks down the aisle. She is beautiful... as every bride should be. She is happy and beaming. The whole ceremony was emotional for me. I had no tissues either so I kept wiping my tears with my hands and wiping them on the pews. (well I sure wasn't wiping it on my dress). At one point Tim and Lisa were lighting their unity candles and the vocalist sang "Grow Old Along with Me" ... a song I was going to have played at our wedding.
The lyrics are so pretty....

"Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love
Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love
Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end
Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love "

That made me sad.
But. In the end the ceremony ended. A new husband and wife were formed... and their lives are just beginning.

On to the reception. We got there an hour early and I took in a beer with Annie and Sarah. Once the reception started I mingled with John's friends... gave my congrats to the bride and groom....and took pictures.
I was a bit dissapointed my friend Mike didn't show up.
Was so happy to see Jeff! He's been on tour with Blue Man Group forever and it was nice to say hi. People that helped me survive the night for sure were Annie, Jim and Sarah and Billy Fornaci and his girlfriend. They were the most fun of all.
Once we sat down at the reception you had your classic reception lineup. The wedding party coming out... the first dance... the toasts. And that's where things got hard. I kept imagining my own wedding during all these things. How it would have been different and how it would have been the same. And the toasts... to a full life together... and blah blah... I was slowly losing it... I held back the tears as much as I could until it went into a full wail. Annie put her arm on me while Jim came to my rescue. He slipped me out the side door that went into the kitchen while I just wailed and cried. I started to gasp and gulp. I was having a full on melt down. How could this be happening??? Is this really my life now?? Back to going to weddings and never being the bride I have always wanted to be. Attending weddings as a guest.... but never as the bride. How close I was to that happiness. How close WE were to it. I am so pissed John will never get that chance. At least I have a chance in the future... to find love again. To possibly get married. To someone I love. To have children and live a happy life together on Earth. John, however, was not given that chance.
In the back of the kitchen John's dad kept telling me to "think about Tim and Lisa" and how it was their day to be happy for them. And I am. And I was. But I can't not just stop and think of the shoulda coulda wouldas. The regrets and jealously and anger all rolled up into a happy occasion.
I put myself together and made my way back out. I made in through the rest of the wedding. All thanks to alcohol and friends.
And I woke up this morning with a hangover.
And another hurdle was jumped. And there are so many more to come.