Honorary Seay

I have made my way back to my second home: North Carolina.

I am in a familiar place with familiar, loving faces. My brother, my sister-in-law and my 3 nieces. I also met up with my dad and puppy here. That's right... my dad took Lily up on his own and now has declared I will no be getting her back. ha.

I usually make my way up here for he holidays. Last year the family actually came to me for Christmas. But, even when I would fly up here (with John) we always left in time to have Christmas Eve and Christmas with John's family. It will be weird... not going to their house for Christmas. I will not be in Florida until Dec. 28... the day after my birthday. I will not be attending the Christmas Eve dinner with the Seays or attending the Christmas Eve service with John's dad at his church. Where we sing Silent Night holding candles in the dark and everyone doesn't know the second and third verses. And John rolls his eyes as I sing in harmony. :) I will not be waking up in the Seay house this year and watching the boys unwrap their gifts.... or doing my gift exchange with my secret Santa. It's all changing. Although I am with my family here... I am still leaving behind my family there. It really makes me feel torn. I always felt that way at Christmas anyway. But, I just wanted to make John happy. I wanted to experience a big family Christmas. And it makes me so sad to know that I lost part of that.

But... I have something to be thankful for. Something I feel many widows don't have to be thankful for. I am still VERY close with John's family. I have met many who have lost their spouse/boyfriend/fiance and have found that the relationship with the family of their loved one have dramatically deminished if not completely fallen apart. Death can turn people against one another. People want to point blame. They want to ignore what happened. They want to disconnect from the reminder of their loss. And often times that means disconnecting from the person that was closest to them. Their wife. Their fiance. Theiur girlfriend. It's a tragic story. But one I am thankfully not having to experience. I think the bond that I created with John's family before his death has reflected a lot in the relationship I have with him after his death. I mean., this was like my second family. I lived with them. I took family vacations with them. When they did something as a family... I was right there with them... holding on to John's arm. A big part of why our relationship has stayed so strong is because the type of people John's family is. They are some of the most loving, thoughtful, sacrificing people you will meet on this planet. Especially Jim Seay.

When I went over for Jim's birthday the other day I was immediately greeted with a hug as I entered the house. Then Jim asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him to pick up the boys. In the car Jim started to burst into tears and let me know he was having a hard day. He said all he wanted for his birthday was John. I lost it two. And there we were. A familiar picture. Jim and Autumn crying together. We are comfortable doing this. We aren't ashamed. We know that it's ok to cry... and then we quickly try to compose ourselves. We picked up the boys and then went back to the house for birthday festivities. Whenever we have our family gatherings now there is just something missing. Obviously John. It's so obvious. It's on everyone's mind. And it drives me crazy that it isn't mentioned. I just want to scream it out sometimes "anyone else notice who's missing????" I always feel like John needs to be recognized. That he's being left out and forgotten. He should be there celebrating with us.

During gift opening I had a mild breakdown. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes. What set me off? A gift Sarah had made for Jim... DVD's that were a compilation of all their VHS tapes of home videos. Many were of the kids... younger versions of John, Annie, Billy and Henry. Although I did not know this younger version of John Seay... it reminded me of how he was gone. And what remained were things such as these. Video tapes. Proving his existence. John used to always talk about these video tapes and we were always supposed to watch them together and laugh. I cannot imagine the strength it will take for any of his family members to watch these now. For it is something I would not be able to do yet.

When it was time for me to leave Jim walked me outside to the car and hugged me. We sobbed some more and I told him how thankful I was and how lucky I was to have them still in my life. I explained not everyone had that. Jim then told me something that was very insightful. He told me that when he got to Heaven and stood face to face with his son that he would want him to be proud of the way he took care of me and treated me. Jim feels like taking care of me is something that John would want him to do. And I know that John would want me to take care of his family too. And it makes sense. John would never want us to lose the bond it took so many years to create. They are my family. They will always be my family. John is our link and he will remain a strong link throughout my lifetime. Thank God for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without his family. I would surely be lost and I would WAY behind in this journey and process. I know I would be a complete mess without their support and love. How could anyone else be so heartless? How could others turn their backs on those who were loved by their sons? It just doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they want to honor their sons by continuing that love that their child had displayed for another? Wouldn't they see the example that was set before them? How selfish and cold can someone possibly be to cut off this person from their lives? It really sickens me.

I have started reading a book titled "Im grieving as Fast as I can." FINALLY! A book for YOUNG widows! So far everything I have read I can relate to. If you are a young widow I am telling you right now... GET THIS BOOK. You can get it for really cheap on half.com. I think I got mine for 1.50. No kidding. I even bought one for my friend Andi. I am going to post some things from the book later and bring up some interesting points from it. Some things I feel need to be shared.

Update on John's Quilt: I have reached $1000 towards John's quilts!!! I am a few hundred away from covering costs so for that I am very pleased. Thank you to all that have helped me. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I do my best to try and return the favors. Once the quilts are in I will show a list of all donors. It's amazing how many people have helped out. I will forever be grateful. You all are my rock.

Update on mole removal: I removed stitches on my own. I'm sso brave. It was no big deal. And they were ready to go. It's healing nice... still some bruising and swelling. But, it's not as noticeable. For only being 4 days I am impressed so far. I will post a before and after pic soon :)

Update on tattoo: Was supposed to get it yesterday but Andi couldn't go with me. I will get it after the winter break.

Update on birthday: Please join me on Dec. 29th at Columbia restaurant in Celebration at 6:30pm for my birthday dinner.

Only a few more days of surviving the holidays. Then surviving my birthday. Then surviving new years... and ringing OUT 2010.

Really, let's just get this over with.

here we go again

I tried this post yesterday. Wrote it all out and then deleted it. So, we have all been there. the frustrations were high and i was a bit over it. i was a bit over yesterday.

yesterday i couldn't get out of bed. i made one attempt...went downstairs and conquered emails that were filled with john's dad throwing back and forth ideas about living situations, etc. Stuff that at the time was over whelming me.

But I did have one good thing to look forward to. SUMMER DEFERMENT CHECK!

I log on into my bank and there's NOTHING there. now, i didnt get paid for the last two weeks of school because i was out of sick leave and wasn't there. so, i get that. but where is my summer pay? usually about $4,000???

I called around everyone i knew and finally someone pointed to me our online pay stubs. i hate that you have to access them online now and I feel like a complete idiot looking at the fine print and getting frustrated (like my dad) about the taxes part of it.

I guess my paperwork for deferred payment never went through.

I freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!

No summer pay.

And I am supposed to move, pay rent, and live.

Because we have made the commitment (me, andrea and kelly) that we will have found a place to live by July 15.

And hopefully in that span of time we will have jobs for all.

But I was not prepared for lack of summer pay. Or else I would have saved up more... and maybe not paid off my school loan in a lump sum. that made john so happy. he was all about dave ramsay and being debt free. he even had me chant something about being debt free. john's mission in life was to ;live out of debt. it's mine too.

but what do people with no money do?

and then the anger kicks in.

if john were here we wouldnt have to go through this. this summer deferment check thing wouldn't mean anything because we would still be living with his parents... planning a wedding on a budget... and I would be able to get part time work at Universal to take care of anything else. It's not his fault. Poor John. He would never want me to be in this situation. He always said he "wanted to take care of me." I guess I am back to doing that on my own. And I am not as strong as I thought I was.

I called an airline today to receive a refund for John's flight to MN with me (on my credit card). They said they can only issue that if they receieve a copy of the death certificate. I haven't even seen the death certificate. I was in tears. It was awful. A piece of paper that officially says John Seay is no longer a living breathing person on this Earth.

The paper it isn't is the paper that says Autumn and John are now officially husband and wife.

kiss the bride and so on and so forth.

i would have loved to see him in that tux.

andhis nephews coming down the aisle with the rings and kenzi throwing flowers... sassy as ever. Evan would have caught the bouquet for sure because the way things are going now I have feeling she is next anyway.

john's apple tree is still alive.

he planted it in the backyard. it took him hours.

the soil here in NC is hard. and he had a shovel and his manual labor.

sweat. blood. tears.

that tree got planted by golly.

and it lived!

AND IT HAS THIS SEASON'S FIRST APPLE.

i went outside and looked up at it and cried.

John's hard work.

still alive and producing something.

i am going backto FL on wednesday.

it's going to be tough.

leaving my family... who I have become so comfortable with and so connected to these past few weeks.

i will meet with andrea that night and this will be the first step in our new journey.

a journey for all three of us to find ourselves again. it's like college all over. except no classes to go to and no squeaky bed.

there will, however, be plenty of cats, cooking, and secret garden.

it has to be.

pray for me and pray for us.

just dont stop praying....

i took extra ambien tonight and wrote this. i may regret this tomorrow?

Anxiety

About three days ago was one of my hardest, darkest, scary days. I still don't know what brought it on. It was 5am. And I woke up from a sound sleep to a full blown panic attack. I had been sleeping with Courtney that night so she was woken up by me. I turned on the bathroom light and found myself gasping for air and grabbing my chest... because my heart was pounding. My arms and legs were tingling and I felt dizzy, light headed and nauseous. If you have ever had a panic attack before you know how AWFUL they are... that they literally make you think "im going to die.." "i can't make this..."
And with all the situations going around and the way John had passed away... I felt this more than ever. I thought I was dying.
Usually my panic attacks last no more than 10 minutes. But this one didn't go away. It lasted for awhile.. after almost 3 hours of non stop anxiety and feeling awful I decideed I needed to go to the hospital. The first stop there was prettty much a waste of my time. I tried to explain my situation and they had no comfort at all... they gave me the "oh you have a broken heart" (no shit) and gave me a vallium and sent me on my way.
the vallium lasted all but one hour. then I was back in full anxiety mode again. my chest was hurting, i had massive tremors (inside shaking), i was dry heaving, and i was terrified. Terrified that no one would be able to help me or that I would never stop feeling this way. After giving a second vallium a shot and it having about the same effect... it was back to the hospital.
Let me just say right now.
THANK GOD FOR PHILIP AND COURTNEY BEING SO UNDERSTANDING. Never once did they questions my decisions or feelings. And Philip even took off work to be with me all day so I wasn't alone. He rubbed my hands and tried to put stuff on TV that might help me calm down (Paula Deen)Needless to say watching food on TV when you have nausea is not the best idea.

So. Back to the hospital we went. This time I had a doctor that made sense. She took all my vitals and started to come to the conclusion that it was panic/stress, etc. and Courtney insisted I get an anti anxiety medicine. Then, she heard John's story. She completely understood that as much as my heart was aching for John... I also had a huge intense lingering fear that I could possibly have it too. I know it isn't reasonable. But I tend to think unreasonably right now anyway. I mean. If John could die so suddenly without warning... who couldn't? I could too. I needed to know.
They did every test imagineable.
Urine, blood, EKG, Chest X rays, Cat Scans, etc.
They hooked me up to an IV because I was extremely dehydrated. I also hadn't eaten in over 24 hours...
I was a serious mess.
In the end all the tests came out clear.
And I was given an anti anxiety medicine which I am now taking daily to make sure that never happens again.

I hate the fact that I have to be medicated for that. but I never want to go through whatever that was again.

Jim (John's dad) eventually came to the hospital and let Courtney go home... and he stood by my side before I went in for the cat scan. He's such a genuine person. And he genuinely cares about me and wants what is best for me. He loves me and I love him. I have always thought of him like a second father and I believe he thinks of me like a daughter. We cried some together in the hospital. We cried because we missed John. We cried because it has done this to us. It has made us aware of how frail life is. How easily it can be taken from us. And how we need to cherish it.
Jim only wants what is best for me... and so at the hospital he mentioned that maybe I should go spend some time away from Orlando.
And go to North Carolina. And be with my family. My sister in law, my brother, my nieces...
So, the next morning... my dad came over... I packed my bags and left.
I left John's clothes and his shoes and our memories. Our computer, his love notes, our boxes filled with our life... I left Metallica and his nephews and sister and his mom and dad. I cried the whole time. I knew it wasn't a permanent thing. But I also was scared.
scared that something would be different when I got back. like what had happened with john's car.
but i was promised it wouldn't. so at least that can put me at some ease.
john's family is MY family. leaving them ... whether for a short amount of time or not is hard. we each our each other's connection to John. And as much as I am aware John isn't here on Earth with me anymore... holding my hand or kissing my cheek...
I can't quite let go of him. He's still my soul mate and I still feel completely attached and in love with him. With who he was.

So, now I am in North Carolina.

The weather is beautiful today and I am writing this blog outside on the front porch. My nieces are by my side. Brielle to my left reading a book... a beautiful blonde 13 year old with ambitions to be a singer. Kalee to my right... also reading a book... a smart, witty 14 year old that has the potential to do anything she wants because she is good at just about anything. Also to my right is Xander. A blood hound puppy/teenager. He's good company.
I remember showing John videos of him and how excited we were to come meet him. I had gone up to North Carolina on my own without John was he was in Dayton and got to meet Xander and got back and bragged about how cute he was and how John would love his big floppy ears because they reminded me of Metallica's.

John always loved it up here in North Carolina. We considered moving here. It was on our list. It was something we were going to think through after the wedding. He had alredy even job hunted for jobs up here and even applied to one. He loved my family just as much as I loved his.
He bonded well with my brother and was totally obsessed with the girls. He knew how special Karen was to me and it made him happy I had a friend as good as her. He LOVED Zion. He often bragged abbout him ... when dogs came up in conversation. It was Zion that started John's love affair with danes. And we both had decided the first thing we were going to do when we get a place of our own was to buy a beautiful blue Great dane. I thought of naming him Regiment. Or Apollo. But we never concluded on anything.

North Carolina was an option though.
We loved it here. We loved it in Orlando too.
I think the biggest thing was that we didn't care WHERE we were... as long as we were together. And now I have to make a decision without that factor. Where do I go without the love of my life?