Upside Down

My world is completely turned upside down.



And today was a hard day. I have them ...hard days. I have many of them. This is just one of many. But it was harder than most.

Where do I even begin?



First, the emptiness is sinking in. The friends are all around. They are staying as connected as possible. But, I know they have their own lives to live. And mine is still at a hault. It has taken some different directions. But that's about it. It's like turning around but not taking any steps forward. Just stagnant. In the same place... turning circles. And flipping upside down. Is this reality? Is that what my world has come to? My life? From complete joy to complete tragedy. No in between. But two extremes. That plays a heavy toll on the soul and body. And both of mine are exhausted.



I woke up this morning to the news that one of my now roommates got a job. Yay, right? Finally! Oh wait. She got a job in SARASOTA. Um, fucking sweet. So. Now it will be just me and Kelly. Which I am fine with. I love Kelly. But I love Andrea too. I was really looking forward to living with both of them. Losing one to Sarasota gives me intense fear that I will be losing the other one too. Mainly because they are twins and they never separate from each other.

Call me selfish for feeling this way. I know that is how I am being. I hate myself for feeling this way. That I am dragging others to stay with me so I don't have to suffer alone. But even the thought of living alone (not to mention paying for this apartment by myself) makes me panic. When I found out about Andrea I cried. Then we went out to lunch... and I cried some more. I cried because I will miss her. I will miss what we had started here... I will miss the things that I had planned in my mind for our future. So, there you go again! I did exactly what I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. Plan.

Because once again my plans fail me. And what I see in my mind isn't what comes out in the end.

Another instability in my life. It just wasn't what I had hoped for. But meanwhile, I should be happy Andrea got a job. That she will still beable to pay her part of the rent. And that she can get a start on paying off all her schools loans she accumulated.



I went to John's parents today. I know when I got there what to expect.

1) a check from the "rent" John and I paid while living there

2) to see John's urn

3) to get my John necklace

4) an unknown surprise



When I entered Jim's office he reminded me the urn would be there and not to be shocked. Of couse I knew it was there. I have prepared myself mentally to see it. And there it was. A beautiful woden box with a treble clef on it. (John probably would have wanted a bass clef. ha). I was taken aback some. And in my head I had to remind myself... it's just ashes.... it's not really John. John is in heaven. John is in my heart. But as Jim started talking to me all I could do was stare at this box. What was left of my wonderful, smart, funny, sweet, handsome fiance was stuffed into a box.

Then I was handed my necklace. It's beautiful, of course. Some of John's ashes were put inside. I know for some people that may be weird... but for me it's a part of my healing process. He is now closer to my heart. Physically. Although I know he will be there forever spiritually. A necklace doesn't have to prove that. Here is a picture of the necklace which I now where and will be there for quite some time.

I had curiosity when Jim gave me the necklace. Because he was the one that had filled it. Probably not an easy task for a father to do but one he insisted on. I asked what the ashes looked like. I wanted to know. Hesaid they looked like what you would expect. Ash. I mean, I don't know what other answer I was expecting. I guess to me just seeing thebox isn't enough. Part of me wants to peek inside and see that they are actually there. The remains of John. No longer that smiling, tall man with blood running through his veins and air in his lungs. But ash. As simple as that.

One thing that surprised me the most when I received itwas my check for the rent savings we had saved up while living at his parents. It wasn't so much since John didn't always pay and I wasn't always so consistent. Looking at the check was emotional. This was supposed to bethe money gong towards our future together as a COUPLE. Savings for our future home together. I was almost filled with guilt. And I don't exactly why... I just feel this money belongs to US. And John should be sharing it with me.

Jim and Sarah's surprise was the most emotional of all for me. I don't know why but I just get choked up when people give. Especiallu Jim and Sarah. They are the most giving people I haveever met...

when I opened the silver gift bag inside was one of my dreams. I's been on my christmas list and something I wouldn't shut up to John forever. A professional Nikon camera! I had almost bought one after we got engaged because I figured it was finally a good excuse to get one. I was overjoyed. Not only did get the camera but Jim is paying for me to get photography lessons/classes. Now I can make good use of the equiptment. After John died... I have stopped taking photos. I mean, I have taken a couple. But if you ever see my facebook...I take A LOT of pictures. I felt like when John died there was nothing worth taking a photo of. But this camera will inspire meto have a hobby and take photos of the more beautiful things in life. I am looking forward to a good excuse to use it.

Uncomfortable

People have mentioned to me how afraid they have been to speak to me recently about John... John's death... or to even speak to me at all.

This is definitely not the case it should be.

In what other time in my life do I need people more?

Why of all times would people want to avoid me?

I lost the love of my life. I don't want to lose anyone else.



Books said I will. They said people will start showing their true colors. Because to many people... death is still a tabu thing in their life. Many people don't experience death at such a young age as myself. Most won't experience this extreme loss until furthur into their lives. And then they will be surronded by more people that have the experience. I don't have that same support. I am 26. I lost my fiance'. I am young. I had a future ahead of me.

People want to avoid things that are unpleasant. So, people will tend to avoid me. I feel like others may feel like my experience with death will taint their perfect little lives. An interuption they can't deal with right now. They feel like "well, there is nothing I can do."

They are right... somewhat.

They can't give me what i long for the most. They can't return John. They can't suture up my heart and have it completely heal.

But, not even I can do that.

Is this a reason for people to give up?

Because it's uncomfortable?

Life is UNCOMFORTABLE. It's not easy and there are struggles. My hope is that when people start feeling like "this isn't easy... talking to her..." that they only imagine what is going on in my mind. How uncomfortable almost evry situation I go through in life is.

Even church.

Today's service?

Marriage and sex.

OF COURSE.

I sit there in church listening to God's word on love and finding a perfect partner... and hearing Solomon describe his wife's boobs.

How awkward. What timing. The couples in the room are laughing. I would have been too. I would have nudged John's arm when something relevant came up. But for now I am trying to now burst into tears or show my discomfort. Luckily in the service Andi was there. With my right hand I grabbed her left. In my left hand a tissue. A tissue in her right hand. A mirror image of our uncomfortable lives. A month apart. Our lives coming together by fate. By God.



These past two days I have been spending a lot of time with James and Matthew (John's nephews). I have really enjoyed it although it is EXHAUSTING. I have jokingly told Kelly "Im not having kids..." (ha?) I don't mean it. Im terribly heartbroken I won't have a Seay baby.



Yesterday when I went out to the hall to see the boys one of them came up to me and asked "Where is Uncle John." I froze and my eyes searched for Annie's eyes. Hers were watering. So were mine. They asked again "where is Uncle John..." I can't speak. Annie is my voice. Her voice shakes with a response "Uncle John went bye bye for awhile." She looks to me and mouths the word "sorry."

I turn around and go back to my room and shut the door and cry.

But then I try and get brave. I try and compose myself and go outside to play with the boys. I ended up spending the rest of the day with them. But, I guess I should have cried more earlier. Because once I put them to bed.... I lost it. I ran into the bathroom whee Andrea was showering and asked her to keep me company. She ran me a bath and stayed in the room with me while I spilled out my feelings. I am far over being naked in front of her. I used to chase her around the house naked anyway when we were in college. (don't ask how I got so comfortable with my body... this must have been in my skinnier, tanner drum corps days).

I told Andrea many things that saddened me, pissed me off, scared me, etc.



One of the things I mentioned to Andrea was this:

A couple nights after John proposed to me I looked over at him and started to giggle. Then I said.. "oh my God!!! I can't catch bouquets anymore!" You see. I have this thing. I have this record. I am a champ when it comes to catching bouquets at weddings. The last one I caught was at my friend Danielle's wedding. John caught the garter. Mainly because the wedding before when I caught the bouquet...he didn't and hated every second of watching a drunk guy put something up my leg. LOL. He swore he wouldn't let that happen again.

So, sobbing in the bath... my tears feeling cold with the heat of the bath... I told Andrea how I would eventually be back in that single woman group that chased after a bouquet again. Chasing a dream, really.For me, it was more like giving John a hint. "John. It's my 8th bouquet! I think it's about time, baby!"

I am attending John's best friend's wedding in December. But I am sure I won't line up to catch a bouquet. Because I probably won't ever have this expression when I catch one again:

:(

sharing memories

Stories.
When I see people now... they have started opening up and telling me their John stories. I love them. even if they make me cry. which is why people sometimes keep them from me... because they don't want to see me get all worked up. but, it's going to happen one way or another. i get to hear stories from a different perspective. I find them all intriguing... peaking into the part of John's life i wasn't there to experience. (which was very rare. let's be honest)
Yesterday I stopped by the Waldorf to say hello. I found it harder to do than before. I think because I had a bad panic attack last time I was there my body wanted to avoid the situation completely. (this is what happens to people who get panic attacks. i.e.: if you have a panic attack in a train... you might never want to ride a train again thinking it will trigger it again.)
But, i went. i drove down the winding road of Bonnet Creek. The road I rode down many times with John in the cadillac. the first time we went was before the hotel was opened. John just found out he had been hired and we wanted to check it out. we got so far before a security guard turned us away. but he was so excited. he had FINALLY gotten a job. This had been such a long process and he had gone through a few "joke" jobs before he got this one. sales jobs. trying to sell direct TV in Best Buy or even better.... selling windshields at local gas stations. just a lot of stinker jobs. so, landing Waldorf.. .. was inspiring for him. He had big plans in his head. He honestly thought within a few years he could make his way to the top. And he was determined to do so. I supported him completely when he landed the job. Even though he was a bellman... it didn't last. They saw his determination and put him in a front desk position. A drummer. A guy with NO hospitality experience at all. He was working next to Hospitality majors and people working in the business for years. and that just shows his drive. and his passion for working for PEOPLE. how he connected with people. how they were drawn into him.

so, going to the waldorf... sends a wave of emotions and memories back my way.
and as I parked... er... got valet.... i started to get nervous. would people still remember me? would they want to talk to me? would they be too busy for me? would i remember everyone?
but of course... I was remembered and greeted with open arms. i talked to everyone at the front desk for awhile and of course i got the "how are you?" question out of the way first. my answer is still "ok." or even "fine" sometimes. I actually said "good" to someone the other day and regretted it. I felt like a big liar.
The girls and I went to peacock alley (a lounge) for a drink. I sat down and then BOOM. It was memory overload. All my John memories flooded my head. And the creepy feeling touched my skin and waved down my spine that he was gone. something that was beginning to numb. i can't possibly still be in the denial stage, can I?
Georgie (one of John's supervisors...) came down to sit with us. I had not seen her since John's passing because she was overseas right after his passing. She sat and chatted with us and shared her memories.
One of the memories she shared was when the family came for Christmas Eve dinner and John had to work (John worked EVERY holiday. i HATED it. I held a major grudge at the Waldorf for doing it too. He had to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, Easter... and even on his birthday. ugh. i still get kind of mad thinking about it. like those are now missed memories. but. it's over now.)
So...Georgie's memory.. she said when we all walked in for Christmas Eve dinner John was behind the front desk. She mentioned how his eyes lit up when I walked through the door. I was wear a white and black dress with red high heels. (for Christmas, after all). He talked to Georgie about my shoes and how he couldn't get over that I was wearing them. Georgie's recall wasn't so good on what he said but she said he kept talking about them.
I was tearing up.
John took notice on what I was wearing.
When I had gotten dressed up for dinner that evening... i was dressing for him. i always dressed for him. I wanted him to notice me. to still think i was beautiful/sexy.... whatever made him love me (which he admits were my short shorts in college marching band and my bubble butt!)... and it worked. He noticed me and actually talked to someone about it.
i cried. and Georgie felt bad. the crying is going to happen no matter what. i'll take my chances. i want to hear all the stories i can get. i need to.

Then I got to see John's memory wall in person. It's great. It really is touching. I read all the notes on there that people left each other. I think I want to do an appreciation wall with my students next year in my band room. leave notes for the students and let them leave notes for each other. that way the older kids can encourage the younger ones/etc.

I cried some more leaving. I didn't drive. Waldorf may always bring back these feelings for me. But, like I said before... it's an exposure. THat i need to go through. that has to happen. and if I cry everytime... well, whatever. I am not going to lose contact with such nice, caring people who care a lot about John and a lot about me.


I have nothing planned out today. Which means it might be a job hunting kind of day for the girls. They are getting so frustrated already. It adds an extra sadness to my heart. to watch them struggle for jobs. i am so lucky to still have mine. i almost feel like i dont deserve after abandoning it the last weeks of school. which actually probably mentally was the best decision I ever made. wait. i dont even think i made the decision. it was made for me by others.
so, the girls need jobs. the job markets SUCKS. of course. i feel like people aren't making the same efforts they were before to try and help. and it may just be that I am becoming just as impatient as andrea and kelly are. i want security for all three of us. i want to feel like we have something settled and figured out. when i saw them coming out of the audition room for HHN i had an insane ammount of butterflies in my stomach. i wanted them to have jobs SO BAD. even a seasonal job for two months. something to lift their spirits and mine too. And so when they made it I was relieved.
then we auditioned for Disney yesterday. all of us got cut. downer. but, that's Disney. I wasn't expecting too much from them. and it's competitive... character stuff.
I just want to feel a small weight come off my shoulders. Here I am. the one with the job and I still feel like i am waiting to exhale. i am waiting for something to happen so we can take a step in a new direction. a small one. a baby step. and i can't promise i won't look back. because i will.

thinking.

These past few weeks in NC and NY have allowed me to share quality time with my close family. Now I am starting to feel the press on my chest. Of leaving. Of separation. I don't do well with separating. I have to admit I am scared about taking my next step. baby step or not. i am frightened.

on top of my grief I have an immense amount of worry.

when i sit still long enough or have a moment to myself i think about of course, john. I think about how much fun we had together and how much we loved. and i also think about the day i found him. still and blue. lifeless and forever gone.

then i think about my future that could have been. weddings and babies.

and i think about my future that is to be. moving back to FL. packing up John's things in boxes. giving things away. selling things. rearranging things. throwing things away.

i think about job hunting for andrea and kelly and praying that they find something.

I think about a Uhaul carrying my stuff to a new place. a place I still have to look for.

i think about unpacking the big boxes that are labeled "john and autumn."

of unpacking our bed sheets. our christmas decorations. our towels. our red kitchen appliances.

of finding things I have forgotten about. a photo frame. a letter. a trinket.

i think about picking up my cat. our cat. our sweet cecilia. and placing her in this new place. without her dad.

i think about sitting down on a couch that i do not yet have next to andrea and kelly. i think about the tv in front of us that we don't have yet either.

i think about the first thing we are going to watch when we settle in.

it will be The Secret Garden. and although it has no ties to John directly. I'll cry.

ill cry because when i first lived with the twins we watched this movie CONSTANTLY. And since John basically lived there too... he must have been around to see it at some point.

i think about a lot of the things all the time.

i cannot shut my brain off.

there is never a time to just think of nothing.

everything revolves around the life i lost and the life i have to lead.