thinking.

These past few weeks in NC and NY have allowed me to share quality time with my close family. Now I am starting to feel the press on my chest. Of leaving. Of separation. I don't do well with separating. I have to admit I am scared about taking my next step. baby step or not. i am frightened.

on top of my grief I have an immense amount of worry.

when i sit still long enough or have a moment to myself i think about of course, john. I think about how much fun we had together and how much we loved. and i also think about the day i found him. still and blue. lifeless and forever gone.

then i think about my future that could have been. weddings and babies.

and i think about my future that is to be. moving back to FL. packing up John's things in boxes. giving things away. selling things. rearranging things. throwing things away.

i think about job hunting for andrea and kelly and praying that they find something.

I think about a Uhaul carrying my stuff to a new place. a place I still have to look for.

i think about unpacking the big boxes that are labeled "john and autumn."

of unpacking our bed sheets. our christmas decorations. our towels. our red kitchen appliances.

of finding things I have forgotten about. a photo frame. a letter. a trinket.

i think about picking up my cat. our cat. our sweet cecilia. and placing her in this new place. without her dad.

i think about sitting down on a couch that i do not yet have next to andrea and kelly. i think about the tv in front of us that we don't have yet either.

i think about the first thing we are going to watch when we settle in.

it will be The Secret Garden. and although it has no ties to John directly. I'll cry.

ill cry because when i first lived with the twins we watched this movie CONSTANTLY. And since John basically lived there too... he must have been around to see it at some point.

i think about a lot of the things all the time.

i cannot shut my brain off.

there is never a time to just think of nothing.

everything revolves around the life i lost and the life i have to lead.