first of all let me start by saying that money is the root of all evil. it has brought nothing my strife in my life since john passed away. we had it so figured out then. living with his parents... saving up money... successful in our jobs and content ( well, he was a bit less content). but now it's come down to me draining my savings account to zero... and calling relatives and asking for money. something i havent had to do since asking to be sponsored to march drum corps. it's embarassing. it makes you feel irresponsible. and maybe i was during my first couple months. i bought things that gave me instant happiness. a movie. a shirt. a video game. a puppy. a painting. instant happiness is how i held on to my sanity these past few months. but i may have moved on to a new stage. it's called the survival stage. the stage where i just try and live to day to day. and some have been like "wow. you have done so well. you are so strong... i couldn't do it."
You never know how you will react to it until it happens to you. But it's pretty much like hell. everyday is filled with discomfort of some sort. of memories and flashbacks. oh loniless and also of agoraphobia. I never want to be lonely... but too many people get to me. parties can be hard on me. i am still scared about the decemer wedding for John's best friend tim.
John and I were such a a great team. I lost my team mate. it's a tough recovery. i want to post the story soon. the one i have been dreading, but that i want to share.. and get off my chest. I think it needs to be said. for memories sake., for the same that it haunts my mind everyday and writing it out will help me to forgot but remember.
there is something so soothing about hot mint team with cream before going to bed that is so soothing. and lunesta. i guess that helps too. I just want to sleep and not stress about all this stuff piled on top of the reality. the reality is that i am going to have to be independent once again. i have to take control of my life and start over. not a new chapter. a new book. John's death was the final chapter of our beautiful love story. Of how our lives transformed each other's. It's a sad story. but one of love and having love that can last forever and overcome it all. it's all about true love.
goodnight
Showing posts with label twins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twins. Show all posts
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
sharing memories
Stories.
When I see people now... they have started opening up and telling me their John stories. I love them. even if they make me cry. which is why people sometimes keep them from me... because they don't want to see me get all worked up. but, it's going to happen one way or another. i get to hear stories from a different perspective. I find them all intriguing... peaking into the part of John's life i wasn't there to experience. (which was very rare. let's be honest)
Yesterday I stopped by the Waldorf to say hello. I found it harder to do than before. I think because I had a bad panic attack last time I was there my body wanted to avoid the situation completely. (this is what happens to people who get panic attacks. i.e.: if you have a panic attack in a train... you might never want to ride a train again thinking it will trigger it again.)
But, i went. i drove down the winding road of Bonnet Creek. The road I rode down many times with John in the cadillac. the first time we went was before the hotel was opened. John just found out he had been hired and we wanted to check it out. we got so far before a security guard turned us away. but he was so excited. he had FINALLY gotten a job. This had been such a long process and he had gone through a few "joke" jobs before he got this one. sales jobs. trying to sell direct TV in Best Buy or even better.... selling windshields at local gas stations. just a lot of stinker jobs. so, landing Waldorf.. .. was inspiring for him. He had big plans in his head. He honestly thought within a few years he could make his way to the top. And he was determined to do so. I supported him completely when he landed the job. Even though he was a bellman... it didn't last. They saw his determination and put him in a front desk position. A drummer. A guy with NO hospitality experience at all. He was working next to Hospitality majors and people working in the business for years. and that just shows his drive. and his passion for working for PEOPLE. how he connected with people. how they were drawn into him.
so, going to the waldorf... sends a wave of emotions and memories back my way.
and as I parked... er... got valet.... i started to get nervous. would people still remember me? would they want to talk to me? would they be too busy for me? would i remember everyone?
but of course... I was remembered and greeted with open arms. i talked to everyone at the front desk for awhile and of course i got the "how are you?" question out of the way first. my answer is still "ok." or even "fine" sometimes. I actually said "good" to someone the other day and regretted it. I felt like a big liar.
The girls and I went to peacock alley (a lounge) for a drink. I sat down and then BOOM. It was memory overload. All my John memories flooded my head. And the creepy feeling touched my skin and waved down my spine that he was gone. something that was beginning to numb. i can't possibly still be in the denial stage, can I?
Georgie (one of John's supervisors...) came down to sit with us. I had not seen her since John's passing because she was overseas right after his passing. She sat and chatted with us and shared her memories.
One of the memories she shared was when the family came for Christmas Eve dinner and John had to work (John worked EVERY holiday. i HATED it. I held a major grudge at the Waldorf for doing it too. He had to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, Easter... and even on his birthday. ugh. i still get kind of mad thinking about it. like those are now missed memories. but. it's over now.)
So...Georgie's memory.. she said when we all walked in for Christmas Eve dinner John was behind the front desk. She mentioned how his eyes lit up when I walked through the door. I was wear a white and black dress with red high heels. (for Christmas, after all). He talked to Georgie about my shoes and how he couldn't get over that I was wearing them. Georgie's recall wasn't so good on what he said but she said he kept talking about them.
I was tearing up.
John took notice on what I was wearing.
When I had gotten dressed up for dinner that evening... i was dressing for him. i always dressed for him. I wanted him to notice me. to still think i was beautiful/sexy.... whatever made him love me (which he admits were my short shorts in college marching band and my bubble butt!)... and it worked. He noticed me and actually talked to someone about it.
i cried. and Georgie felt bad. the crying is going to happen no matter what. i'll take my chances. i want to hear all the stories i can get. i need to.
Then I got to see John's memory wall in person. It's great. It really is touching. I read all the notes on there that people left each other. I think I want to do an appreciation wall with my students next year in my band room. leave notes for the students and let them leave notes for each other. that way the older kids can encourage the younger ones/etc.
I cried some more leaving. I didn't drive. Waldorf may always bring back these feelings for me. But, like I said before... it's an exposure. THat i need to go through. that has to happen. and if I cry everytime... well, whatever. I am not going to lose contact with such nice, caring people who care a lot about John and a lot about me.
I have nothing planned out today. Which means it might be a job hunting kind of day for the girls. They are getting so frustrated already. It adds an extra sadness to my heart. to watch them struggle for jobs. i am so lucky to still have mine. i almost feel like i dont deserve after abandoning it the last weeks of school. which actually probably mentally was the best decision I ever made. wait. i dont even think i made the decision. it was made for me by others.
so, the girls need jobs. the job markets SUCKS. of course. i feel like people aren't making the same efforts they were before to try and help. and it may just be that I am becoming just as impatient as andrea and kelly are. i want security for all three of us. i want to feel like we have something settled and figured out. when i saw them coming out of the audition room for HHN i had an insane ammount of butterflies in my stomach. i wanted them to have jobs SO BAD. even a seasonal job for two months. something to lift their spirits and mine too. And so when they made it I was relieved.
then we auditioned for Disney yesterday. all of us got cut. downer. but, that's Disney. I wasn't expecting too much from them. and it's competitive... character stuff.
I just want to feel a small weight come off my shoulders. Here I am. the one with the job and I still feel like i am waiting to exhale. i am waiting for something to happen so we can take a step in a new direction. a small one. a baby step. and i can't promise i won't look back. because i will.
When I see people now... they have started opening up and telling me their John stories. I love them. even if they make me cry. which is why people sometimes keep them from me... because they don't want to see me get all worked up. but, it's going to happen one way or another. i get to hear stories from a different perspective. I find them all intriguing... peaking into the part of John's life i wasn't there to experience. (which was very rare. let's be honest)
Yesterday I stopped by the Waldorf to say hello. I found it harder to do than before. I think because I had a bad panic attack last time I was there my body wanted to avoid the situation completely. (this is what happens to people who get panic attacks. i.e.: if you have a panic attack in a train... you might never want to ride a train again thinking it will trigger it again.)
But, i went. i drove down the winding road of Bonnet Creek. The road I rode down many times with John in the cadillac. the first time we went was before the hotel was opened. John just found out he had been hired and we wanted to check it out. we got so far before a security guard turned us away. but he was so excited. he had FINALLY gotten a job. This had been such a long process and he had gone through a few "joke" jobs before he got this one. sales jobs. trying to sell direct TV in Best Buy or even better.... selling windshields at local gas stations. just a lot of stinker jobs. so, landing Waldorf.. .. was inspiring for him. He had big plans in his head. He honestly thought within a few years he could make his way to the top. And he was determined to do so. I supported him completely when he landed the job. Even though he was a bellman... it didn't last. They saw his determination and put him in a front desk position. A drummer. A guy with NO hospitality experience at all. He was working next to Hospitality majors and people working in the business for years. and that just shows his drive. and his passion for working for PEOPLE. how he connected with people. how they were drawn into him.
so, going to the waldorf... sends a wave of emotions and memories back my way.
and as I parked... er... got valet.... i started to get nervous. would people still remember me? would they want to talk to me? would they be too busy for me? would i remember everyone?
but of course... I was remembered and greeted with open arms. i talked to everyone at the front desk for awhile and of course i got the "how are you?" question out of the way first. my answer is still "ok." or even "fine" sometimes. I actually said "good" to someone the other day and regretted it. I felt like a big liar.
The girls and I went to peacock alley (a lounge) for a drink. I sat down and then BOOM. It was memory overload. All my John memories flooded my head. And the creepy feeling touched my skin and waved down my spine that he was gone. something that was beginning to numb. i can't possibly still be in the denial stage, can I?
Georgie (one of John's supervisors...) came down to sit with us. I had not seen her since John's passing because she was overseas right after his passing. She sat and chatted with us and shared her memories.
One of the memories she shared was when the family came for Christmas Eve dinner and John had to work (John worked EVERY holiday. i HATED it. I held a major grudge at the Waldorf for doing it too. He had to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, Easter... and even on his birthday. ugh. i still get kind of mad thinking about it. like those are now missed memories. but. it's over now.)
So...Georgie's memory.. she said when we all walked in for Christmas Eve dinner John was behind the front desk. She mentioned how his eyes lit up when I walked through the door. I was wear a white and black dress with red high heels. (for Christmas, after all). He talked to Georgie about my shoes and how he couldn't get over that I was wearing them. Georgie's recall wasn't so good on what he said but she said he kept talking about them.
I was tearing up.
John took notice on what I was wearing.
When I had gotten dressed up for dinner that evening... i was dressing for him. i always dressed for him. I wanted him to notice me. to still think i was beautiful/sexy.... whatever made him love me (which he admits were my short shorts in college marching band and my bubble butt!)... and it worked. He noticed me and actually talked to someone about it.
i cried. and Georgie felt bad. the crying is going to happen no matter what. i'll take my chances. i want to hear all the stories i can get. i need to.
Then I got to see John's memory wall in person. It's great. It really is touching. I read all the notes on there that people left each other. I think I want to do an appreciation wall with my students next year in my band room. leave notes for the students and let them leave notes for each other. that way the older kids can encourage the younger ones/etc.
I cried some more leaving. I didn't drive. Waldorf may always bring back these feelings for me. But, like I said before... it's an exposure. THat i need to go through. that has to happen. and if I cry everytime... well, whatever. I am not going to lose contact with such nice, caring people who care a lot about John and a lot about me.
I have nothing planned out today. Which means it might be a job hunting kind of day for the girls. They are getting so frustrated already. It adds an extra sadness to my heart. to watch them struggle for jobs. i am so lucky to still have mine. i almost feel like i dont deserve after abandoning it the last weeks of school. which actually probably mentally was the best decision I ever made. wait. i dont even think i made the decision. it was made for me by others.
so, the girls need jobs. the job markets SUCKS. of course. i feel like people aren't making the same efforts they were before to try and help. and it may just be that I am becoming just as impatient as andrea and kelly are. i want security for all three of us. i want to feel like we have something settled and figured out. when i saw them coming out of the audition room for HHN i had an insane ammount of butterflies in my stomach. i wanted them to have jobs SO BAD. even a seasonal job for two months. something to lift their spirits and mine too. And so when they made it I was relieved.
then we auditioned for Disney yesterday. all of us got cut. downer. but, that's Disney. I wasn't expecting too much from them. and it's competitive... character stuff.
I just want to feel a small weight come off my shoulders. Here I am. the one with the job and I still feel like i am waiting to exhale. i am waiting for something to happen so we can take a step in a new direction. a small one. a baby step. and i can't promise i won't look back. because i will.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
cough. cry. repeat.
I have a cold. it sucks.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.
then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.
I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.
today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.
Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.
Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry
I will get this done.
I WILL.
between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.
Lorien,
I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.
Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.
to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.
john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.
then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.
I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.
today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.
Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.
Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry
I will get this done.
I WILL.
between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.
Lorien,
I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.
Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.
to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.
john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.
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