root of evil

first of all let me start by saying that money is the root of all evil. it has brought nothing my strife in my life since john passed away. we had it so figured out then. living with his parents... saving up money... successful in our jobs and content ( well, he was a bit less content). but now it's come down to me draining my savings account to zero... and calling relatives and asking for money. something i havent had to do since asking to be sponsored to march drum corps. it's embarassing. it makes you feel irresponsible. and maybe i was during my first couple months. i bought things that gave me instant happiness. a movie. a shirt. a video game. a puppy. a painting. instant happiness is how i held on to my sanity these past few months. but i may have moved on to a new stage. it's called the survival stage. the stage where i just try and live to day to day. and some have been like "wow. you have done so well. you are so strong... i couldn't do it."
You never know how you will react to it until it happens to you. But it's pretty much like hell. everyday is filled with discomfort of some sort. of memories and flashbacks. oh loniless and also of agoraphobia. I never want to be lonely... but too many people get to me. parties can be hard on me. i am still scared about the decemer wedding for John's best friend tim.
John and I were such a a great team. I lost my team mate. it's a tough recovery. i want to post the story soon. the one i have been dreading, but that i want to share.. and get off my chest. I think it needs to be said. for memories sake., for the same that it haunts my mind everyday and writing it out will help me to forgot but remember.

there is something so soothing about hot mint team with cream before going to bed that is so soothing. and lunesta. i guess that helps too. I just want to sleep and not stress about all this stuff piled on top of the reality. the reality is that i am going to have to be independent once again. i have to take control of my life and start over. not a new chapter. a new book. John's death was the final chapter of our beautiful love story. Of how our lives transformed each other's. It's a sad story. but one of love and having love that can last forever and overcome it all. it's all about true love.

goodnight