I'm happy that you're happy

It has come to my attention lately that people are still confused on how they should act around me with certain situations.
I guess I am partly to blame. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (seriously, I have a freakin' public blog, people).
I don't always make it easy.
And I can't say that I don't get emotional when I have 3-4 wedding invitations hanging on my fridge at all times.
Or when I see ANOTHER ultrasound posted on facebook.
Or watching friend's statuses change from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged."
BUT.

BUT!!!!

I AM HAPPY YOU ARE HAPPY!!!!!

I, Autumn, do still have the ability to be excited when my friends have life changing moments. And I will ALWAYS be supportive of these moments... whether you are scared to tell me or not.

You are buying a house?
Great! When am I helping you move? What tips can you offer a girl currently seeking to buy her first home as well? Where is the guest room I am staying in? What's for dinner?

You are engaged?
Congrats! So.... when's the date? What's your colors? How did they propose? Am I invited? (of course i am...) Oh, you want me to be a BRIDESMAID? Oh you were nervous to ask that? (stop it. don't be. I can plan one awesome party for you!) You need someone to help you go pick out dresses? done!!!

You are pregnant?
OMG! I love little babies!!!!Did you know there was a moment in my life where I considered being a midwife? Oh, and I want to be doula trained. Oh, you didn't know? You were too afraid to tell me because you thought I would be upset?


I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable to tell me the happy times in your life. Instead, I do often feel people are more comfortable to share the sad times in their life. No one can live with all of that.
I need the happy moments.
I want to be happy for you.
So, please let me.

Now.
There's a line that can be crossed.
Do I really to discuss these?
I don't, right?
There's a time to celebrate.
And then there's a time to give it a rest.

DO NOT FLAUNT.
There is a line (and it's not fine) between celebrating and flaunting.
Be smart.
Think it through.
I am not the ONLY person that gets bothered by this. Everyone wants happiness. Everyone is going after their own happiness. So, allow those people to share that and don't dominate every discussion with you you you you.



Friends, I want you to be happy.
What kind of person wouldn't want that?
Hopefully not someone that I am friends with.
Because then I need to get rid of them.
And if people are still my friend by now then they may just realize that I am actually a pretty supportive person... even with all of the shit that has been handed to me. I do the best I can to make sure everyone is achieving their upmost happiness.
And when I have happy moments I want you to celebrate with me too.

I am happy... that you're happy, friend.


xoxo

Memory Boxes

When me and John started getting serious in our relationship I decided it was time to start a "memory box" to place all the many memories we would have somewhere... and not forget. To be able to look back on them. We occasionally did. Not often.

After John's death I had to buy a new box. A larger box to hold on to all his sentimental things. I bought it a week after he died. It is black. It looks like a box you wouldn't want to open. Our other box has palm trees on it. Way much happier box.

The boxes sit in my closet. I have 3. One is from our earlier relationship, one is from our Europe trip, and one is was made after his death. Sometimes, when I feel the need to grieve, I will take out a box and place it on my bed. I open it and slowly take out items one at a time. I grieve over each item individually. Some items, like his glasses, I touch and smell... to try and feel closer to him. I had him wear his glasses at the viewing... and took them back after everyone left. I was the last person to say goodbye to him there. I was in the parlor alone and I kissed his cold cheek... and gently slid the glasses off his face. They will be mine to keep forever. I was the one who pleaded for him to get them. And sadly it wasn't just because he needed them... i just thought he looked so cute in them that he had to have a pair!! Of course, we got these really sleek looking Oakleys. When he put them on it was like he turned into a different person. "professional John" I loved it.

I am sure many people at the viewing didn't know John with glasses.

I am sure it was weird to see him with them on.

But, it's how I wanted to remember him. My handsome John.

The box holds much more than glasses..... let me share...

The newest memory box... purchased right after John's death. To hold our memories.

A smaller memory box inside. Bought by my school after John died.

John's silver DCI medal. The year Phantom won drums.

John's glasses. I took them after the viewing... he always looked so handsome in them.

John wrote me this note before he left for work on Valentine's Day. The night before we stayed up really late making over 200 valentine cookies for my students. It was quite a project. But we enjoyed it!!!

The staff at Waldorf signed this Congratulations card the day after John proposed to me.

John gave me this Valentine's day card about two years before he actually proposed to me. He knew from the start he wanted to marry me. :)

John's cards were my favorite.

John only bought me Hallmark cards. I don't know why. He considered them more classy? One time he didn't... and he did this. I laughed a lot. He was the funniest.

Read this. It breaks my heart but reminds me how amazingly lucky I was. The last sentence is what gets me.

John's tie bars. I bought him the top one from Tiffanys last Christmas.

John worked with me at Universal for a whole month. He hated it. He worked at Spiderman... it was hilarious. It was nice getting off together and talking about how our days went. My favorite story was when he danced for MC Hammer... hahahahahaha

John's Phantom Regiment dog tags.

John's mom bought us this picture frame the day he died. Just the beginning.... of the end....

Evan and I went to a bridal show. Being engaged was so enchanting... and I only got to experience it for 17 days.

Those are just a few of the memories in the box.... in one box. There isn't a box large enough in the world to hold all the moments we shared together.

ilymtli

Proposal Video.

Today I took a big step.

I uploaded a short clip from my proposal on to YouTube. It was the only video footage taken. But it captured the perfect moment of me saying "Of course."
But, you can't really hear anything. You can't hear John's cut speech or me replying. You can however hear people by the lake chanting "say yes! say yes!" and you can see a weird woman in the background trying to get out of the pictures and fail miserably. lol
It was.... THE happiest day of my life.
John had asked some of his friends to make up a small percussion ensemble and play our song, "I love how you love me."
Our friends and family were gathered around us and it was very sweet and well thought out.

To watch the video click on this link (warning: you'll cry...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqSGn8vHTIc

4 months ago

4 months ago I was teaching class. I was super excited!

I was also super nervous.

Would John get his surprise in time?? What was taking so long to get these strawberries delivered?

I ordered chocolate covered strawberries to be sent to John's work. When they got there John thought they were for a guest at the hotel. It took him a couple minutes to realize they were for him. I wrote something sweet on the card. And he, being so sweet himself, shared them with his co-workers. I called and asked if he got them and he said he did and was so excited.

4 months ago John was working at the Waldorf. He was super excited!

He was also probably a bit super nervous.

He had a plan. He was going to propose to me that evening on his 25th birthday. Using his birthday dinner as a cover up.

4 months ago I sat in the middle seat of the car surronded by John's dad, mom and my dad. I was super car sick. I was hungry and wondering why our dinner reservations were so late.

4months ago John changed his plans last minute. He went from wanting to propose to me alone to wanting all of our family and friends around.

4 months ago I stepped out of the car and ran over to give Lisa a big hug.

At this very moment, 4 months ago, my dad was sneaking the ring to John.

And a few moments later... John grabbed my hand and took me toward Lake Lily... toward the music that was so familiar to me.

I caught on.

And John dropped down to his knee.

The music was being played by some of John's friends... a little percussion ensemble by the lake. There are strangers around and my family has circled us. There ae photos being taken.

John is talking. He is talking and talking and I can't remember all the words. I am in a daze. THIS WAS HAPPENING.

4 months ago John opened a blue box. just as the music paused.

and asked me to marry him.

he gave me a promise of forever.

4 months ago I said Yes, of course!

As we hugged and kissed in our happiness (and me crying) the ensemble played Happy Birthday for John. I was laughing. I was also shaking. I was overwhelmed. And I was filled with a flush of heat... from a sudden attention that I was not used to. I stared at my left hand. With it's new beautiful hardware. A beautiful ring. Princess cut, surronded by kite diamonds and other tiny diamonds. Sparkling. Perfect.

4 months ago we went to dinner to celebrate two occassions. To us! To our future together.

To John! To his life and turning 25.

4 months ago I went outside to make phone calls. I found out everyone knew. But, everyone wanted the details. I was beaming. I didn't mind telling the story over and over. This was a day I had been waiting for. For a long time indeed.

4 months ago John leaned over to me at the dinner table and whispered "you're the best birthday gift ever."

This is John proposing. And me covering my face because I am crying.

This is my ring. John's pride and joy. It hasn't left my finger since 4 months ago. It will be there for quite some time.

4 months ago I made the best decision of my life.

denial and a ring

sometimes when i am a large crowd of people i look for John's face. as if he is going to magically appear.

sometimes i just look for something that resembles him. his type of hair, his hands, his legs, his type of clothes... to see if there is something out there like him. but there is NOTHING. NO ONE that is my John.
is this part of that denial stage? what does that consist of anyway? it means you don't believe something happened.
i guess i do have that happening sometimes. especially being here in north carolina. it was the weekend before John died that I was up here. He was in Dayton and I was here. It was just a short weekend apart.
We talked every night.
We missed each other a lot.

Now that I am here again I feel like it could just be a weekend apart. but i know it's not.
i know that the next reuniting we will have will be in heaven.

I cried with my niece today.
She is 13. So, I was a bit nervous to let go in front of her. But she understood. She loved John too. She hugged me close and cried with me.
Brielle had been preparing a song for our wedding. It's a Taylor Swift song. She has also been wanting to learn the guitar part for it so i have been teaching her a little guitar while i am up here. she has a beautiful voice. it would have been so touching to have her sing at our wedding.

just thinking about our wedding hurts my heart.
sometimes i just sit and stare at the ring on my left hand. i dont ever take it off. EVER.
and honestly, i don't know if i can.
it was john's promise to me.
he promised to love me forever.
to stay by my side for the rest of our lives.
to marry me and be true to me.

and he left me.
he was taken from me.
and now I have a ring. a symbol of what was supposed to be. i have had the ring for 2 months now. i can only imagine how much planning i would have had done by now.
because in the 2 and a half weeks we were engaged i already had a lot figured out and was days away from purchasing my beautiful wedding gown.

i love my ring. i love how john was so proud of it. how he grabbed my hand in the car and marveled at it... he would place it in the sunshine where it sparkled most and would brag "wow, that's a good looking ring." he knew he had done good.
but it wasn't the ring that i was so excited about.
it was what came with it.
a future with john. THE. LOVE. OF. MY. LIFE.
a wedding... a home.. a baby... the things you dream about as a little girl and get to finally fulfill as an adult.
and that there is such a thing as a prince charming.
and i had one.

but now all i have is a ring.