Memory Boxes

When me and John started getting serious in our relationship I decided it was time to start a "memory box" to place all the many memories we would have somewhere... and not forget. To be able to look back on them. We occasionally did. Not often.

After John's death I had to buy a new box. A larger box to hold on to all his sentimental things. I bought it a week after he died. It is black. It looks like a box you wouldn't want to open. Our other box has palm trees on it. Way much happier box.

The boxes sit in my closet. I have 3. One is from our earlier relationship, one is from our Europe trip, and one is was made after his death. Sometimes, when I feel the need to grieve, I will take out a box and place it on my bed. I open it and slowly take out items one at a time. I grieve over each item individually. Some items, like his glasses, I touch and smell... to try and feel closer to him. I had him wear his glasses at the viewing... and took them back after everyone left. I was the last person to say goodbye to him there. I was in the parlor alone and I kissed his cold cheek... and gently slid the glasses off his face. They will be mine to keep forever. I was the one who pleaded for him to get them. And sadly it wasn't just because he needed them... i just thought he looked so cute in them that he had to have a pair!! Of course, we got these really sleek looking Oakleys. When he put them on it was like he turned into a different person. "professional John" I loved it.

I am sure many people at the viewing didn't know John with glasses.

I am sure it was weird to see him with them on.

But, it's how I wanted to remember him. My handsome John.

The box holds much more than glasses..... let me share...

The newest memory box... purchased right after John's death. To hold our memories.

A smaller memory box inside. Bought by my school after John died.

John's silver DCI medal. The year Phantom won drums.

John's glasses. I took them after the viewing... he always looked so handsome in them.

John wrote me this note before he left for work on Valentine's Day. The night before we stayed up really late making over 200 valentine cookies for my students. It was quite a project. But we enjoyed it!!!

The staff at Waldorf signed this Congratulations card the day after John proposed to me.

John gave me this Valentine's day card about two years before he actually proposed to me. He knew from the start he wanted to marry me. :)

John's cards were my favorite.

John only bought me Hallmark cards. I don't know why. He considered them more classy? One time he didn't... and he did this. I laughed a lot. He was the funniest.

Read this. It breaks my heart but reminds me how amazingly lucky I was. The last sentence is what gets me.

John's tie bars. I bought him the top one from Tiffanys last Christmas.

John worked with me at Universal for a whole month. He hated it. He worked at Spiderman... it was hilarious. It was nice getting off together and talking about how our days went. My favorite story was when he danced for MC Hammer... hahahahahaha

John's Phantom Regiment dog tags.

John's mom bought us this picture frame the day he died. Just the beginning.... of the end....

Evan and I went to a bridal show. Being engaged was so enchanting... and I only got to experience it for 17 days.

Those are just a few of the memories in the box.... in one box. There isn't a box large enough in the world to hold all the moments we shared together.

ilymtli

memory box past and present

Today I sorted through a pile of cards I have received since John's death.
I was putting them away into a new memory box I bought today. This memory box is big, black and is going to be filled with the saddest memories of my life. I have decided NOT to throw away any of the cards. Because on days when I feel helpless and alone I will need to open the box and read their words of encouragement. But, going through the cards... and re-reading them... hurt. It brought everything back to the surface. I was amazed at some of the names on the cards... people I had forgotten sent them. Some were sent to me when I was still in a daze. I would open them those first two weeks and throw them on the pile of other ones. Cards with flowers and peaceful scenes with sunsets and trees and clouds and birds and dragonflies. Cards with neutral colors. Cards written in black ink and filled with words of hope... although I know those who wrote them feel completely helpless. And I know there is nothing they can say to bring John back to me. Because if there was. I would have been the FIRST to make it happen.

John and I used to have happy memory boxes. Filled with movie tickets stubs, programs from shows, concert stubs, holiday cards we gave each other, etc. It's those boxes I am dreading finding when we unpack on the 24th. But I will open it. I will go through each memory and I will cry for each of them. The memories I had. That I will never have again. At least with John.

Eventually I will get a chest. In this chest I can store all of John's items I feel the need to hang on to. His dirty clothes, his sweaters and jackets, his hats, his slippers, his glasses, his cologne...

I gave Evan, my best friend a memory box for Valentines Day a couple years ago. I should start one with Kelly and Andrea. A happy one filled with happy memories. Its something I recommend for everyone to have. It keeps those memories tucked away safely in a place where one day you can retrieve them and open the box to smile again. When you really need them. Or when you just want to laugh. At the silly things you keep. That two years ago you thought were important.

My weirdest item in my memory box?
Would be the little oxygen mask the EMT gave me after I had my first panic attack in 2007. We were in John's car. He was taking me to my first tennis lesson (he bought them for me for Valentine's day) and I got a phone call from my supervisor saying how he was disappointed in me and my internship (in the end it was a misunderstanding) but for me... it was critical. It was my life. It was my future. And I lost it. It started out crying and ended up a full blown panic attack. I didn't know what to do my heart rate was around 190... I was sweating profusely and my hands and joints got stiff and rigid. John freaked out and called 911 and pulled the car over. The ambulance have me oxygen and let me keep the mask to keep breathing into.
It was a scary situation for both of us. But for some reason I kept the mask. I tucked it inside the box. It was a memory after all.
From then on out... John handled all the panic attacks. He knew how to talk me through them, calm me down, get me to breathe....
There were two times when he wasn't there to help.
Both were in the summer when he was off in drum corps.
Now I am back to not having John help me.
I have little yellow pills.
I rather have the natural remedy. The John remedy.
Never would I have ever imagined that it would be John in the end... that gave me the most panic and anxiety in my life. The once only person that gave me calm... now gives me strife.
I can admit the medicine helps.
I can admit that Andrea and Kelly are being very helpful.
I can admit that I would trade everything for John.
this is a given.