denial and a ring

sometimes when i am a large crowd of people i look for John's face. as if he is going to magically appear.

sometimes i just look for something that resembles him. his type of hair, his hands, his legs, his type of clothes... to see if there is something out there like him. but there is NOTHING. NO ONE that is my John.
is this part of that denial stage? what does that consist of anyway? it means you don't believe something happened.
i guess i do have that happening sometimes. especially being here in north carolina. it was the weekend before John died that I was up here. He was in Dayton and I was here. It was just a short weekend apart.
We talked every night.
We missed each other a lot.

Now that I am here again I feel like it could just be a weekend apart. but i know it's not.
i know that the next reuniting we will have will be in heaven.

I cried with my niece today.
She is 13. So, I was a bit nervous to let go in front of her. But she understood. She loved John too. She hugged me close and cried with me.
Brielle had been preparing a song for our wedding. It's a Taylor Swift song. She has also been wanting to learn the guitar part for it so i have been teaching her a little guitar while i am up here. she has a beautiful voice. it would have been so touching to have her sing at our wedding.

just thinking about our wedding hurts my heart.
sometimes i just sit and stare at the ring on my left hand. i dont ever take it off. EVER.
and honestly, i don't know if i can.
it was john's promise to me.
he promised to love me forever.
to stay by my side for the rest of our lives.
to marry me and be true to me.

and he left me.
he was taken from me.
and now I have a ring. a symbol of what was supposed to be. i have had the ring for 2 months now. i can only imagine how much planning i would have had done by now.
because in the 2 and a half weeks we were engaged i already had a lot figured out and was days away from purchasing my beautiful wedding gown.

i love my ring. i love how john was so proud of it. how he grabbed my hand in the car and marveled at it... he would place it in the sunshine where it sparkled most and would brag "wow, that's a good looking ring." he knew he had done good.
but it wasn't the ring that i was so excited about.
it was what came with it.
a future with john. THE. LOVE. OF. MY. LIFE.
a wedding... a home.. a baby... the things you dream about as a little girl and get to finally fulfill as an adult.
and that there is such a thing as a prince charming.
and i had one.

but now all i have is a ring.