The Wedding That Would Have Been

There isnt a day that goes by that I am not thinking about what my future would have been like with John. And every day I think about what was to be the happiest day of our lives.
It was a day we had talked about for years... it was something we would have done sooner but John had to make sure everything was perfect. He had goals to reach and he felt so accomplished of himself when he achieved them.
Our wedding was set for the fall this year. The date would have most likely been October 30th.
I wanted November... but location wise wasn't working out.
Our colors were brown, cream and gold. (with a hint of garnet... duh)
I had already picked out my wedding dress. A Maggie Sottero. My dream designer. When I tried the dress on my sister-in-law cried. We knew it was the one. I looked like a princess... as cliche as that sounds. It was quite extravagant.
We wanted a big, traditional, formal wedding. We had our guest list already made up... around 250 people. We had the wedding party selected and I had already started planning with my wedding planner, Deb.

I mean this was something I had planned for years... maybe since I was a little girl. Because it's what all little girls dream of.
I laughed at the fact that John felt like he was off the hook because he had done the proposal and he was "free and clear." I made him aware this was not the case. That he still had to participate in decisions. So, when I showed him the cake I wanted he said "whatever you want..." He truly wanted me to be happy.
Then I mentioned the birds nest on top of it. That's where he drew the line.
When looking at reception locations we took John once. We walked in and immediately he said "NO." and that was that and we concluded it was the last time we would take him to those.
John was going to have a bass drum grooms cake.
It was going to be complete with mallets. It was going to be awesome.
I was going to dance with my dad to "What a Wonderful World/Somewhere Over the Rainbow." and of course I would take my first dance with John to our song... "I love how you love me."
We were going to take dance lessons. Just to get basic moves.

We looked forward to cake tastings and food tastings.
We wanted a big dance floor because we wanted our friends and family to be there all night. We wanted for everone to have fun and not want to leave. Which also meant we were gooing to have an open bar.
My bridesmaids were going to be in brown most likely with a gold sash to break up the solid color.

After the wedding John and I were going to take a honeymoon to Ireland.
We don't know what made us want Ireland.
We didn't want the traditional "island" getaway.
We wanted a place secluded and beautiful.... and actually Ireland isn't bad expense wise.
I was all about the castles and horses in fields of green. John was all about the pub atmosphere and the people.

John and I had a big dilemma when it came to our wedding bands. I have a platinum ring. He wanted white gold.
This was unacceptable to me because I thought we needed to match. It would show we were a couple, right? That we belonged together. John wouldn't budge. EVentually he caved in. And then I caved in. He could have yellow gold. I would have it engraved with "ilymtli" on the inside. Something that both his father and brother have engraved on their wedding bands.

It was going to be a perfect wedding for a perfect couple.
We were going to have an amazing marriage and a family together.

I miss my fiance. He was going to be my husband. In October. And I was to be his wife. forever.