email from John

I was looking through my email the other day and found this one from John. He wrote it last February while I was at work. It was terribly sweet.. which is why I kept it, of course.
I thought I would share it. because it displays how adorable john was. how he always just wanted to make me smile. and how we constantly thought about each other. every day. all day.

Hey Girl!

So you forgot your phone this morning, silly head. I tried calling but it only rang to the bedroom...anyway, that can't keep me from telling you how much I love you! You are wonderful! I hope you have a great day and I can't wait to see you! You are the light in my life! ...too many exclamation points? NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!


Love Always,


John!




This email makes me smile.
i can hear john's voice reading it to me.
i can see his smile on his face as he writes it. i can remember myself getting this email at school. when i could access hotmail at school.
i hated when i would forget my phone at home. it bothered me that i couldn't talk to john. i can't believe at one point in my life i lived without a cell phone. and as i look at my cell phone now... and press my "favorites".. john is still there. top of the list.
if i press his name it dials his number. his disconnected number.
a woman on the other line tells me it's not in service.
a recorded voice reminding me of the pain. that john won't answer a phone call ever again.
or respond to an email.
or write a cute email to me while i am at work.. just because he couldn't reach me on my cell phone.

and as of yesterday.... i will no longer be pulling up to the driveway and seeing john's car. his cadillac. his baby. his pride and joy. the car we both put so much into. for our anniversary i got his windows tinted. illegally, of course. for christmas i got him chrome door handles... which he put on right away with the help of my dad.
for valentines day i got him stuff for his car to keep it nice... like leather cleaner and tire cleaner. he used it all right away. he was so excited.
and now the car is gone. it's going to be sold.
john and i wont be making any road trips in it anymore.
we won't be plugging in the ipod and listening to the battles as loud as possible. john won't be drumming on the stearing wheel or putting his seat way back when he drives. we won't be washing it every other weekend at the car wash... with the reggae music and buying scratch off tickets at the 7-11 next door.
i miss the car.
i miss the emails.
i miss the phone calls.
the voice mails, his voice, his smell, his touch, his warmth.

every day i face a new challenge.
i slowly have to face a new hurdle. something that awakens the pain again. lifts the band aid. and everyday i have to be reminded that john isn't here.
i hate it.
i hate every feeling i feel. good or bad.
because they both remind me of what i don't have. which is him.
which is the man i am still in love with.