hair.

Today I cut my hair.
My "wedding" hair.

Today is exactly 2 months since I hugged John for the last time and kissed his warm lips the morning of April 22.

And I thought today was a good day for a hair cut.
Something fresh.
Something easy.
Something different.

Why did I call my previous hair my wedding hair?
Some of my friends knew the story. When I decided that I was going to marry John... and when we discussed it and knew for a fact it was in our future... I at the time had cut my hair off very short.
So. I was like... if I am going to have pretty hair for my wedding and options with it I am going to grow it out.
And I did. And I grew it out for quite some time.
For years.
Last October I chopped it off 8 inches because it was getting a little bit too long. My school ID looks like I am wearing a sash. we call it "sash hair."
I knew that I had some to grow it out some because John hadn't even proposed yet. I knew I would have months to grow it out once he proposed.
But.
There is no more wedding.
And so today... I cut my hair. I chopped it off.
I wasn't sad.
I didn't regret it.
And yes, it has pink in it.
Because.
WHY THE HELL NOT?!

Last night I had a dream I got a tattoo with Annie. Now part of me is kind of wanting one.
But for a person with problems makin decisions in my life. how could i possibly pick out a tattoo that is going to stay on my body for the rest of my life??

I also had another dream.
a dream that made me hate waking up.
yes, a john dream.
he was alive. I was given a second chance!!! He came back.
but we knew he couldn't stay.
somehow we knew he would die again.
so, I told him... "john, lets go down to the courthouse and just get married."
he agreed.
i ran upstairs and got a dress together and created my own sort of "blusher" by cutting up some material. how we had this material? i don't know.
John's dad let John have his wedding band. which actually in my dream looks like my brother's wedding band.
but as I was getting everyone ready to go... john wanted to take a nap on the couch. I kept telling john "no! no, you can't nap! You won't wake up!" I knew that if John fell asleep he would be gone again. he would die again.
and for some reason I wanted to marry him first.
even in my dreams I am longing to be his wife.
so much I would sacrifice the dream ceremony.
just to be his wife.
just for him to be my husband.
just so i can say I am Autumn Seay.
for 5 years I practiced writing that last name over and over on scrap paper by the computer.

autumn seay.
autumn seay.
autumn seay.
Autumn Seay.
Autumn Grace Seay.

I got the S just right! It was beautiful. Sometimes I made the S look like a treble clef. Nerdy.
But neat that you can do that with that letter.

after john proposed... a week later i changed my bank account sign in name to Autumn Seay.
I can always change it back. but i dont want to. i'll keep it for now. because it's the only chance i will have to use it.



tomorrow i am sending john a note on a balloon. it's pink and a heart.
it represents my heart.
and it will fly up high.
and he will read it.
and eventually it will fall back to earth.
and get caught in a tree.
and the heart will deflate.
kind of like my heart now.