step one

Today has been completely exhausting.

We found an apartment.

I was really iffy about it. because it was our first day looking and I am the kind of person that could look for days and not be satisfied.
honestly i dont think anything will completely satisfy right now when it comes to this part of my life. because i know that it should have been different.

i should have been planning my wedding with John. married him in October and then looked for a house. a place we could call home as husband and wife. where we could go back to the days where he walked in the door and i jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around him and kissed him all over. in our happy little home.

it doesn't mean I am not satisfied living with andrea and kelly either. i owe these girls so much. they abandoned their lives in sarasota to start over with me and live and take care of me. and they have been so helpful already. just having them there. to cry on their shoulders at night and to laugh with when I see something stupid.
i love them a lot.
and they understand they arent John.
they know what I would have wanted in my life. what was taken away from me. what was taken away from him.

but for now i have to take a small step in a new direction. starting with a place of our own.
and that step has been taken.
the first of many small steps.
but i can say i have taken it.
and it was hard. every bit of it.
and it's only going to get harder. to leave my john life behind.
and carry him with me on my journey.
but only in my heart.