things around me.

I am back to living in my room at John's parents house. Our room. Me and John. Now, for another two weeks or so... it belongs to me, Andrea and Kelly. The girls stuff is scattered about the room. But, the room is still very much mine and John's.
I have been slowly going through things already. I have found a select few video games I am sending to his brother in NYC. That's a big way they connected.... through video games. Whenever we had family functions we would sit around and chat about games that were out and games that were coming out. I always felt special because I could chime in because I love video games too (a quality John LOVED about me). When Billy moved to NYC we found the best way to connect was through Playstation chat. It was a lot of fun for us. Once we opened a three way chat. It was a fiasco though. Everyone's speakers kept echoing and we had to repeat everything we wanted to say. But it was fun. There we were in each other's living rooms. Miles away and laughing it up... talking... smiling at each other through a TV screen.
Sometimes John would start a chat without me knowing and I would run quickly to go put on some pants or decent clothes. He always had that sort of timing. It was funny in the end.


And then in the room are notes, letters, and cards. Everyone expessing their sympathy.
Should I save these?
Will I ever read them again?
Do I want to read them again?
I have some that mean a lot to me... some that say the sweetest things... some where people share their special memories of John. Should I only save those?

And then there is a pile of books. It started small. A couple books I bought with Evan a week or so after John died. So I could read up on grieving and widowhood.
Then books came in the mail. Books were handed to me by others. I bought more... thinking I would find the time to read them. I have tried. I have finished one widow book which I will hand off to my friend Andi tomorrow. I have also started reading a book called "When Life is Hard." I started it today.
I have 10 books to read.
I will try and read through at least once a week. If you know anything I am a FAST READER. In fact, I have read a full book lately. I read the new novella by Stephanie Meyer about Bree Tanner. I bought it in NY and read it in one day. It wasn't a grief book though. It was an "escape" book. One that I could dive into and not have to feel sadness or lonliness or dive deep into my interal thoughts and feelings on life and love.
So, I guess I should mix it up. Heavy stuff books mixed with a bit of escape books. But I don't have anymore escape books. I am thinking about perhaps re-reading Breaking Dawn but I think it's being borrowed. Any ideas for a good "escape" book?

In the bathroom is John's cologne. I smell it everyday. I spray his favorite one on Waldy, the peacock. If you don't know... Waldy was a gift from the Waldorf Astoria to me. It was their "mascot." There was only one. They gave him to me with a picture of John holding him. So, Waldy is who I sleep with at night. Along with one of the girls. And he smells like John. Who smelled like Bulgari.

There's the P90X video I bought John for his birthday.
We did it twice before sort of giving up. We didn't even make it through the full second day of it. John said we would "work up to it." Honestly, it kicked out asses. But we really wanted to get in shape for the wedding. I wish I would have given him something more meaningful for his birthday. But I guess telling him "yes" was a good gift. I mean... he did lean over to me at dinner and say "you're the best birthday present ever."
And he was the best gift in my life ever. A precious gift.


Sometimes I think about what I am going to do with all this stuff.
What do I keep? What do I not keep? What stays? What goes? Am I weird for keeping certain things? Like his toothbrush. I still have that.
I also was keeping a water bottle he had been drinking out of... and finally threw it away the other day.
There is a huge bag of drum sticks which I am going to most likely use at my school and donate to some of the high schools. I want his drum pads to go to his friends. One is going to Tim.
My dad called today and asked for John's knives. Of course they will go to him since he bought them all for John. John's Kabar. I mean what was he ever going to do with a Marine KaBar?! But he wanted it. and my dad got him one. And he kept it close when we lived in our apartment. I guess if someone intruded he planned on stabbing them with a huge, sharp KaBar.

When we move in a couple weeks things are going to be tough. I will be unwrapping memories I have totally forgot about. And then I will have to make decisions on "stuff" again.

I am so glad his parents have allowed me to be in charge of John's things. I know there are things that people will want. And I am not about hoarding it all to myself. I know that everyone needs something. But if I could ask for one thing. easy. I would like John. Can I please have that back?