Dear John 2

Dear John,

I watched my first FSU football game without you today. The seminoles look great, John. They are strong and fast and they kicked ass today. You would have been so proud. It's a game we would love to watch... a one where we didn't have to worry or pace the room or yell obscenities at the tv screen. John, I loved watching football with you. We both couldn't wait for football season. We always had hope in the Noles. That they would have a sucessful year. John, remember when we went to the swamp for the FSU vs. UF game my first year out of college? We had amazing seats... to watch our team lose. And by the 4th quarter you said it was time to go. But I was so loyal and wanted to stay. But you insisted we leave. And you swore we would never return to the swamp. And we didn't. And remember the time we watched that UF vs. FSU game in the Bahamas at Atlantis? And there were gator fans all around... and i had gotten gutsy with the help of a couple martinis... and i yelled at them? and you were embarrassed and had to keep me from getting us kicked out/beat up?
John, that game is on our anniversary this year. Nov. 27th. We have to win John. For you. On our 6 year anniversary which we will never have. You would have been my husband by then. I still owe so much to my time at FSU....because it is what brought us together. To the chiefs. To our love for music. and band. I will always be thankful of our times in Tallahassee... and of our love for our noles. That never waivered... even in our worst seasons.
John, remember when we would invite the neighbors over to watch games with us and we scared them? We were intense. We were very angry losers and extremely enthusiastic winners. Every touchdown you would hug me, high five me., and kiss me. You grilled on our pathetic excuse for a grill and wore you FSU shirts I bought you.
Even better was going to the games with you in Doak. And going to the members only club and watching the game in the A/C... eating sandwhiches and drinking coke/beer/wine. Then going back outside to be part of the crowd again. Because honestly who goes to a game to stay in a room watching screens the whole time when you can go outside and see the action right in front of you live. You can hear the player's helmets crunching on the field, you can feel the excitement of the war chant being played and the 5th bass playing as hard as they can on the drum...
and i loved sharing that with you. and our sunburns. and me being a hypocrite. telling you to wear your sunscreen even when I would not. And when it rained you got creative. with a trash bag. and i was so embarassed. and then i caved in. and wore one too. you were a genius.
i know when i go to Doak again to see a game this year... it won't be the same without you. we wont sit behind the crazy hat lady or the weird guy to our right. the band to our right... blasting the war chant every 2 minutes.
John, today Lily looked up into my eyes and I cried.
She gives me joy. A small amount compared to the joy you brought me. but joy none the less. My dad came over. He calls her Lily Seay Hassell. My heart skipped a beat when he said it. Although you have never met her. Lily is part yours. We dreamt her up a long time ago. She belongs to us both. My dad even knows that. He misses you too, John. He misses you more than he lets me know because he tries to be strong for me. I know many still hurt for you. I know that every day you are being thought of by more people than just me. You meant the world to so many. But for me... you were my world.
John, Billy wore your shirt today. Your FSU shirt I bought you at a game. Because you were wearing something ridiculous... like green or something. Nothing FSU. So, I went down and bought you the nicest shirt i could find. one you would WANT to wear. Its nice... Nike brand. The kind perfect for you because it protects against sweat or what not. It fit you then. I think you outgrew it. Billy looks great in it. I am glad I sent it to him. And glad he took time to send me a pic. I miss him and Liz. I miss seeing your family everyday. I miss the boys. As much as I complained about how loud they were in the morning... it's better than the awful silence that now haunts me. A reminder of the emptiness I face daily.
I long for your affection, John. A kiss, a hug, a hand, a hold. I feel no one could fulfull this. I hug people longer now. I dont want to let go. they may have to pry me off sometimes. you knew how to hug the best. and i wish you were here next to me in the bed so i could crawl into your warm arms again.
John, next month we were supposed to be married. Did you realize it was coming so soon? In October I was to change my name and title. Mrs. Seay. It was perfect. I couldn't have been happier to share the rest of my life with just you and only you.
John, my sleep is unsteady. Your dreams fluctuate every night. sometimes they are sweet and you are smiling. other times you are trying to break up with me and leave me. and sometimes you dont show up at all. last night you didnt. and its always a dissapointment.
John, have you met my grandmother? Beatrice Ella. Ella... remember... our daughter's name. That's the beautiful woman she would have been named after. Talk to my grandmother. she knows so many stories.
i thought she knew how to talk to birds when i was a child.
they would fly right up to her. like in a fairy tale. maybe this is where my bird obsession began. we can thank Bea for that.
John, I am going to sleep now. I am hoping you visit me in my dreams. will you hold my hand if you do? and reassure me that there is a reason and a purpose and hope?

Goodnight baby.
love,
Autumn