stand still

as much as I have tried to resist it... the world kept spinning when John died.
the lives of people around me went on.and yet, here I am. still at a stand still.yes, i live a normal life. i have a job. i have an apartment. i pay bills. i hang out with friends. i have a dog and a cat. i watch tv and movies.but i still feel totally weird all the time. like i am in a strange time warp/twilight zone/wacky universe. i don't quite fit anymore.i have come to realize that John made me more confident than I already was. and although this may be no big surprise to most... i am EXTREMELY dependent. and mainly on him.being dependent isn't a bad thing. in fact, i hate people that rag on those who are. because we all have been at some point in our lives. yet, i am still a very independent woman. i think for myself.
people's lives have continued forward. i am here. perhaps going slightly backward. i went from on my way to marriage. to completely single. a almost 6 year relationship to no relationship at all.and people are moving forward.lives continue to move... forward... away from me.engagements, marriages, babies, houses, etc. it's all happening. and it was going to happen for me too. and now it's not.how did i even get here?i am ashamed of my feelings towards others and their successes in life.it's not like i want them to fail or feel hurt.i just want everyone to stay where they were. to just pause with me. so we can get back on track together.but no one is waiting for me.this is my burden apparentlythe one i didn't ask for and the one john didn't mean to give.
perhaps i need a push?lily has given me a slight nudge towards moving forward.she has been my companion for a week now and i have to admit i am totally in love with her.she brings me joy and happiness. i love every moment i get to spend with her. and i dont mind cleaning up her poop.today she even learned how to sit.she's very smart.and she's the best cuddle dog at night.
but it's going to take more than a puppy to get my world to turn again.a push.a big push.and a good one.because i have been pushed enough negatively lately.i need a positive push.a happy strong push.
Dear John,Your email account sent an spam email today to everyone in your address book. It gets me every time. Next time, will you email, please?John. Our kids at OMS are great. you would love them. there are so many percussionists i don't know what to do with them all. it would be your cup of tea. i could just see you bonding with these kids. they would have loved you (as every student of yours did anyway). John, i went by timbercreek HS today. i had flashbacks of the many rehearsals and performances i attended there when supporting you and TCI. I also remember the time i took a pregnancy test there. lol. it was negative. i was shaking. even when i was 99% sure it would be.. pregnancy tests can be nerve wrecking. no matter what. they just intimidate you. a little stick that gives you the answer to your future. that can change it all in 2 minutes. I remember sitting on the bench and watching you teach. which always was a turn on for me. :) i remember trying to distract you. because it's what i did best. i can still see your face, John. your smile and your laugh and your silliness. it's inside my mind all the time. your name sits on the tip of my tongue all day. i feel like sometimes i might fall into a tourette tantrum and just blurt it out of nowhere. John! John! John! I want to scream it sometimes. i miss you.