july 4th

I am back in Florida.
I came back and was scared. I was terrified of coming back to my situation i had left. Me, out of control and losing it. But the family time helped apparently. I came back and I was picked up at the airport by John's dad.
Flying. doesn't quite scare me anymore.
before, i was scared of dying in a plane crash because i had my life ahead of me. i didn't want to crash and throw away my life. my future.
now that John is gone I don't quite feel the same.
if the plane crashes. i will be with him. the end.
now i just try and relax. i am sure the xanex helps too.

so. im back in florida.
the first thing i did when i came back was hug sarah. she greeted me at the door with a huge hug and smile. which was sweet. but homecomings are awkward now.
i am back from my meltdown. welcome home.
"home"
metallica is whining. he missed me so much. I feel like he aged more since I left. I worry about the day he dies. but know that John will be waiting for him in heaven. with Zion, of course.

i go upstairs to our room. i am nervous.
nothing was touched. i was so relieved. I had made sure that everything was kept in tact.
i did get a couple bills though. great. another reminder that the world around me hasn't stopped. I still have to pay my car insurance. i still have a car loan to pay. and that ER visit. yes, it was waiting for me there too.
i went into the closet. i threw myself into john's clothes. i missed them. they were calling for me.
i went into his work closet. i threw open the doors and let the aroma hit my nose. it smelled like working John. the John I kissed when he came home from working at the Waldorf. when I would help him take off his tie. and hang up his coat. and he would put his pants in the pant press.
he still has a pair in the pants press. i have no idea when i will take them out. or what they will end up doing with the pant press.
i went into the bathroom and smelled his cologne.
and then i cried.
i cried as silently as I could upstairs.
i didnt want to upset john's mom.
i always try to hide the tears from her because we are so different with grief.

this might sound like i am torturing myself. this ritual.
but i need it. to feel like he's still around me. that 2 months ago he was living

i slept in our bed. on john's side. annie slept with me.
so, i still can't sleep alone.
i didn't sleep alone in NC either. every night I was sleeping with my nieces or sometimes Karen.
this will be a step i will start to take as I make my journey with andrea and kelly.

I have spent the weekend here in Sarasota with the girls. it's a holiday weekend.
another one.
not as bad as mother's day or father's day.
but still a holiday.
one where you can be with your loved one and celebrate. john spent most of our 4th of julys apart due drum corps. the past two years we actually had them together.
last year we were in switzerland... on our way to Germany. We were surronded by Austrailians and our guide was Canadian so July 4th really didn't mean anything to them. I requested the star spangled banner and they played "American Woman" to make up for it. How patriotic. I wore a red dress and painted blue stars on my cheeck. John bought me a beautiful swrovski red necklace. all by himself. he was quite proud.
and i loved it.

this 4th I was on a beach. my toes in the sand.
i had made a wreath of daisys to go around my head.
i was surronded by friends.
i was surronded by people who had other people.
and i am alone.
i am completely alone in all of this. really.

the fireworks were beautiful. the booms hit my chest. they make me feel alive. they create a wave of sound that carries through me.
i know that i am alive.
and i know that john isn't.

what a shitty realization.


tomorrow we head back to orlando.
Autumn. Kelly. Andrea.
no turning back.
we are going to make this happen.
I am dragging them down to Orlando and through the grace of God we are going to find jobs and we are going to find a decent place to live. to start over.
to give me a second chance at my life.
i am horrified.
i am scared they are going to back out.
i am scared we won't be able to support ourselves.
i am scared of living out of our means.
i am worried that things are going to fall out of place.
becausse that's seems to be what my life does.

i made plans. big plans. to marry the love of my life and look what happened. in a flash. the plan is nothing. it's rubble. it's a shot to the face.
planning become frustrating and scary.


sometimes i focus so much on how much I miss John I don't get to list why. Here are a few things (out of millions) that I miss the most from John Seay:
-his contagious laugh. especially when i did something silly or he saw something on tv he thought was hilarious
- his warm hands. holding them in the car. holding them on the couch. holding them in public.
-his strong arms. that carried me to bed or picked me up when I jumped into them when he got home from work.
-his pride in riding in his cadillac that he loved so much
- his conservative radio stations and websites and how he tried to explain everything to me that I didn't understand
- spooning. who doesnt love that? john was the perfect spooner.
-tickle fights. john would always warn me " i don't want to hurt you... stop stop...." did i? no.
- his love for metallica. how he would ALWAYS give him a treat no matter what. because he always felt he deserved one
- his butt. i think we both fell in love with each other's butts at the same time. after drum corps. on chiefs field. both in short shorts ;)



tomorrow we take a baby step towards of future.
im still scared.
i will be for a long time.
John was my partner. he was always there to get me through it all. how do I do it alone?