7 months without you.

I am in Vegas.
Everyone thinks it was a crazy trip to get away and party. I mean, it's a vacation that's for sure. But it's more based around family than it is "what happens in vegas stays in vegas."
When I arrived on Friday night my sister took me to a restaurant called hot and juicy. A place where your dinner comes in a plastic bag and you eat with gloves on. It's brilliant and delicious! That's was it for that night. The next day we woke up and got massages and then got our hair done. That took up a big part of our day. And now I am starting to get the itch... the "I am in Vegas and how come I haven't gambled yet" itch. So, I played some video poker in a restaurant we went to and threw away $10. Ah yes, vegas.
Yesterday was Makenzi's 4th birthday party! It was really cute. It was held at a place where they have tons of different types of bounce houses and then the kids get food and cake. It was a neat place, really. Last night I had my sister time.. we went to a casino (not on the strip) and played Bingo (and didn't win) and saw the new Harry Potter movie. I played a few slots but I didn't go crazy.

So, that's my Vegas trip so far. It's relaxing. It's not wild and crazy. But I am enjoying it. I always enjoying getting away. I have always been fond of traveling. I just have to get used to traveling by myself.
The last time I was in Vegas John was by my side. We went to as many casinos on the strip as possible. We gambled our hearts away. We sat at roulette tables for hours. John drank gin and tonics and I had cherry coke (it's my gambling drink). We saw shows and had the total Vegas experience. It was for his graduation from college... and he deserved it. It took John a long time to get through college... and I was there for him every step of the way... helping any way I could. I even wrote some of his college essays for classes because
1) he would stall on them
2) I liked writing

But when John did sit down and write out a paper... it was pretty good! I was super impressed about how smart he was. He never gave himself enough credit on his intelligence. He always thought I was the smarter one out of the two. But I don't think that's true at all. I think we were pretty matched... but just in different areas. He was an absolutely brilliant man. The best, really.

So Vegas. Without John.
Is what I thought it might be.
Difficult.
I hide it well.
Or sometimes not. Like when I cried in the parking lot and in the car after Makenzi's birthday.
I hate when John misses events. I can't believe he's not there to celebrate. I feel like when John died half of my memories when with him. Because he shared them all with me... and his recollection of things we did together was different than mine. So, half of my memory left. If I tell a story about something I know I missing parts of it. John would have filled those in. And I would have been like "oh my goodness I totally forgot about that!" That's what is so great about having a partner in your life. You get to SHARE life. You get to live an experience beyond just what you feel but also what another feels. That's why I refuse to go to movies alone. I have never done it and probably never will. Because it's an experience I prefer to share. I want to discuss the movie with someone, I want to laugh together or cry together. I want to get excited with someone when I see a preview for an upcoming movie.
Maybe that's why I am not too dissapointed about not going to the strip yet. Because it was something I had shared with John. I am creating new experiences with my sister that won't make me compare it to the experience I had with him. But I also want to do the things that we never got to do together... because in a way... in a small way... I still feel like John may be experiencing them with me. Just on a different level. I just wish I could hold his hand while it happens. I want so badly to just sit down and hold him and tell him every story of every moment he has missed these past seven months.