Monday, June 7, 2010


About three days ago was one of my hardest, darkest, scary days. I still don't know what brought it on. It was 5am. And I woke up from a sound sleep to a full blown panic attack. I had been sleeping with Courtney that night so she was woken up by me. I turned on the bathroom light and found myself gasping for air and grabbing my chest... because my heart was pounding. My arms and legs were tingling and I felt dizzy, light headed and nauseous. If you have ever had a panic attack before you know how AWFUL they are... that they literally make you think "im going to die.." "i can't make this..."
And with all the situations going around and the way John had passed away... I felt this more than ever. I thought I was dying.
Usually my panic attacks last no more than 10 minutes. But this one didn't go away. It lasted for awhile.. after almost 3 hours of non stop anxiety and feeling awful I decideed I needed to go to the hospital. The first stop there was prettty much a waste of my time. I tried to explain my situation and they had no comfort at all... they gave me the "oh you have a broken heart" (no shit) and gave me a vallium and sent me on my way.
the vallium lasted all but one hour. then I was back in full anxiety mode again. my chest was hurting, i had massive tremors (inside shaking), i was dry heaving, and i was terrified. Terrified that no one would be able to help me or that I would never stop feeling this way. After giving a second vallium a shot and it having about the same effect... it was back to the hospital.
Let me just say right now.
THANK GOD FOR PHILIP AND COURTNEY BEING SO UNDERSTANDING. Never once did they questions my decisions or feelings. And Philip even took off work to be with me all day so I wasn't alone. He rubbed my hands and tried to put stuff on TV that might help me calm down (Paula Deen)Needless to say watching food on TV when you have nausea is not the best idea.

So. Back to the hospital we went. This time I had a doctor that made sense. She took all my vitals and started to come to the conclusion that it was panic/stress, etc. and Courtney insisted I get an anti anxiety medicine. Then, she heard John's story. She completely understood that as much as my heart was aching for John... I also had a huge intense lingering fear that I could possibly have it too. I know it isn't reasonable. But I tend to think unreasonably right now anyway. I mean. If John could die so suddenly without warning... who couldn't? I could too. I needed to know.
They did every test imagineable.
Urine, blood, EKG, Chest X rays, Cat Scans, etc.
They hooked me up to an IV because I was extremely dehydrated. I also hadn't eaten in over 24 hours...
I was a serious mess.
In the end all the tests came out clear.
And I was given an anti anxiety medicine which I am now taking daily to make sure that never happens again.

I hate the fact that I have to be medicated for that. but I never want to go through whatever that was again.

Jim (John's dad) eventually came to the hospital and let Courtney go home... and he stood by my side before I went in for the cat scan. He's such a genuine person. And he genuinely cares about me and wants what is best for me. He loves me and I love him. I have always thought of him like a second father and I believe he thinks of me like a daughter. We cried some together in the hospital. We cried because we missed John. We cried because it has done this to us. It has made us aware of how frail life is. How easily it can be taken from us. And how we need to cherish it.
Jim only wants what is best for me... and so at the hospital he mentioned that maybe I should go spend some time away from Orlando.
And go to North Carolina. And be with my family. My sister in law, my brother, my nieces...
So, the next morning... my dad came over... I packed my bags and left.
I left John's clothes and his shoes and our memories. Our computer, his love notes, our boxes filled with our life... I left Metallica and his nephews and sister and his mom and dad. I cried the whole time. I knew it wasn't a permanent thing. But I also was scared.
scared that something would be different when I got back. like what had happened with john's car.
but i was promised it wouldn't. so at least that can put me at some ease.
john's family is MY family. leaving them ... whether for a short amount of time or not is hard. we each our each other's connection to John. And as much as I am aware John isn't here on Earth with me anymore... holding my hand or kissing my cheek...
I can't quite let go of him. He's still my soul mate and I still feel completely attached and in love with him. With who he was.

So, now I am in North Carolina.

The weather is beautiful today and I am writing this blog outside on the front porch. My nieces are by my side. Brielle to my left reading a book... a beautiful blonde 13 year old with ambitions to be a singer. Kalee to my right... also reading a book... a smart, witty 14 year old that has the potential to do anything she wants because she is good at just about anything. Also to my right is Xander. A blood hound puppy/teenager. He's good company.
I remember showing John videos of him and how excited we were to come meet him. I had gone up to North Carolina on my own without John was he was in Dayton and got to meet Xander and got back and bragged about how cute he was and how John would love his big floppy ears because they reminded me of Metallica's.

John always loved it up here in North Carolina. We considered moving here. It was on our list. It was something we were going to think through after the wedding. He had alredy even job hunted for jobs up here and even applied to one. He loved my family just as much as I loved his.
He bonded well with my brother and was totally obsessed with the girls. He knew how special Karen was to me and it made him happy I had a friend as good as her. He LOVED Zion. He often bragged abbout him ... when dogs came up in conversation. It was Zion that started John's love affair with danes. And we both had decided the first thing we were going to do when we get a place of our own was to buy a beautiful blue Great dane. I thought of naming him Regiment. Or Apollo. But we never concluded on anything.

North Carolina was an option though.
We loved it here. We loved it in Orlando too.
I think the biggest thing was that we didn't care WHERE we were... as long as we were together. And now I have to make a decision without that factor. Where do I go without the love of my life?

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