Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Cold sheets

I have been sick for the past few days...which explains my absence from the blog. In these days I have done a lot of sleeping. And usually with sleeping comes dreaming. Vivid ones specifically for me. Most Nyquil induced. Of course they are about John... some of the weirdest dreams. Some that wouldn't make sense to try and even describe. I just know that even when my body shuts down at night my brain is still on and constantly spinning reels of John.
In these past few days I have been experiencing a bit of heartache in the specific area of lonliness. As a woman... as a widow... as a human... I crave affection. More than anything I crave affection from John. But, the reality of it all is I cannot feel that affection anymore. And it kills me. The hollowness of my life is getting larger. I hate living alone. I hate watching TV and laughing out loud by myself and having no one to share with. I hate turning over in my bed and feeling the cold sheets where there used to be the warmth of a body. I crave affection. I want to be held and touched and loved. I want to be called beautiful again. I want someone to shower me with their love and affection. I want to be kissed and touched.
I still sleep on one side of the bed. I have to FORCE myself to move in the middle... to make myself realize I can have the whole bed to myself. The funny thing is when John was around I NEVER slept on my side. And it drove him crazy :) I am a diagonal sleeper. Even more so when I had his body to wrap around.

Sometimes I feel completely desperate. I pick up my phone and start calling and texting people. Anyone. Anyone to come spend time with me... listen to me... be with me. The other night I ended up in tears because I felt like people were avoiding me. Like, I am infected with a plague. No one wants to be infected with my sorrow. I am that SNL character..."Debby Downer." And I do feel like that a lot. I bring John up in conversation all the time. At work, with friends, in front of strangers, at the doctor's office, etc. And maybe this makes people uncomfortable? But he was such a big part of my life. And still is. I think others just rather move on. But that's not how it works for the grieving. We need to talk about it. Ignoring it will only make the process longer and more painful.
I was so angry the other night.
I felt like people were going back on their word.
In April so many were like "oh, I'll always be here for you... whenever you need me...." blah blah blah.
It's December. It's the holidays. I am struggling. More than you think. Or maybe it's what you thought. So, where are those promises from April? Why aren't people seeking me out to help me or just keep company with me? Why am I always on a quest to seek out company?? Is that what I should be doing? Why can't others just do what they say? Actions speak louder than words. And I will remember those who have been there for me... and those who slowly drifted away.... staying comfortable and cozy in their little world.... and escaping mine.
I wish I could escape.

My friend Allison sent me a funny message the other day after I complained about people saying "you look tired." It made me laugh. And I told her I would post it:

I've never thought it's appropriate for anyone (other than a close family member) to tell someone "you look tired." Here are some appropriate responses for the next time someone tells you "you look tired."
1. Thank you
2. Yes, I am. Thank you for reminding me.
3. So do you
4. I was just going to say the same thing to you
5. I'm tired of people saying that to me
6. How is that ok to say to me?
7. And you're very perceptive
8. Your mom's tired
9. And you look fat
10. And you look old
11. And you look half-retarded
12. And you look rude
13. And you look stupid with those shoes on
14. And you need to learn some manners
15. (silence- no response, just eye contact and turn away)
16. I'm not tired I'm just not wearing makeup. Thank you for telling me, I'm ugly without make up.
17. No I don't.
18. Your face is tired
19. I'm tired of missing John. Thank you for bring it up

Thanks, Allison. I may start using some of those.

Sooo... last thing to discuss. I went to a plastic surgeon today for a consultation. No, nothing exciting or fancy. No lypo or tummy tuck. I wish. It was about my friend on my chin. My mole I have had since I have 3 years old. And I have been wanting it off... forever. Since childhood. But I never had guts. I had gone a few years ago and was given a ridioculous estimate and told I would have a big scar. But, this guy is the best of the best.... and ensured me that if I scared... it would be less noticeable than a mole. True.
So, he consults. And then is like... are we doing surgery today? It will take 15 minutes.
And in an instant I was like... "yes, let's do it." and next thing you know I am laying on a table with a needle going in my face. The doctor removes the mole ... i almost pass out... he stitches me up... and minutes later I am walking out of the office with bloody gauze and a new chin... that looks pretty Frankenstein right now. It's not a cute sight. But, hopefully it will make a difference in the future. Because why not more change? Maybe if I change enough things I will distract myself enough from the biggest change in my life. Ok, that's doubtful.
Next stop: tattoo.


Ora Diana said...

this blog is so perfect. I hope you don't mind but I would like to reference it in my blog. You worded everything PERFECTLY! XOXO sending you big hugs!

Autumn said...

Of course I don't mind! You're so sweet and in my thoughts! Love you sweet girl!